My Immortal
by rochele-88
Summary: ...and from that day on it was JamesandLily, LilyandJames... Lily Evans struggles to find a happy medium between hating James Potter and losing herself in him.
1. The Beginning

_Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling_

**Prologue**

This is the story of two people trying to find their places in life; the story of true love at its finest. It's the story of two people who made a difference in their world…James Potter and Lily Evans.

It all started very innocently, platonically even. James was simply fighting with Lily about his latest prank when it happened. As he paused to take a breath, he noticed the sparks her emerald eyes were emitting, the fire in her coppery hair, and the way her body trembled as she reprimanded him.

In that one instant, James fell hopelessly in love. James had had silly crushes and infatuations before, but never had he felt as he did now. Now he felt as if Lily Evans was the single most wonderful being on earth, and if he couldn't have her he'd simply die.

That one moment changed everything for James, everything for Lily, and their life together.

From that moment, their fate was set.

* * *

**The Beginning**

"What is your problem, James?" Lily hissed, her eyes narrowed into slits.

James tried to answer with a good comeback, but all he could do was stutter.

"Do you think it's _funny_ to see Snape walking around with his hair dyed bright green?" she demanded.

James felt relieved. This question, at least, he could answer.

"Yes," he answered immediately. Wasn't it obvious? Anyone would think it was funny to see Snivellus walking about with strands of oily putrid green hair hanging in front of his face. Except for Lily, it appeared. _Had the right answer been no?_ he wondered briefly.

"You disgust me," Lily said firmly. "Ten points off Gryffindor and a detention." She spun around on her heel and walked off, leaving James to stare after her like a gaping idiot.

He had always slightly fancied Lily before. Every guy with hormones did; Lily's thick red hair and extraordinary green eyes were too much to resist. But never, ever had James felt the way he did now.

He felt as if he would do anything to win Lily's favor, even if it meant walking to Hell and back.

Still dazed from the sudden arrival of new feelings, he sat down heavily on one of the nearby couches in the Gryffindor common room. Six years of Hogwarts hadn't managed to dull his appreciation for the homey atmosphere it provided. The couches and chairs situated around the cheerfully flickering fire were perfect for draping one's self in…which James frequently did.

"Hey, mate, what's up?" a cheery voice asked from behind him. James turned his body around so he was facing the speaker. It was his friend Sirius Black.

"Not much, Padfoot," he said in a faint voice. The two boys had known each other since the beginning of their Hogwarts days, and shared nearly everything. They had collided in their eagerness to board the Hogwarts Express that wonderful first day, gotten into a fight, had just as quickly got over it, and had been inseparable ever since.

"I saw Evans was going at you again," Sirius teased, winking at him. "Ever since that girl became a prefect she hasn't been any fun."

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?" Sirius appeared puzzled by the strange tone of James's voice.

"I have a problem," James said with a sigh.

"Ooh…" A delighted look spread across Sirius' face. "You're having gi-irl problems, aren't you?"

James felt his face flush a radiant shade of red, and he shook his head at Sirius.

"Not so loud!" he whispered. "I don't want the whole school to know!"

"Oh, c'mon, tell old Padfoot your problems, and I'll tell you how to solve them," Sirius urged.

"Come up to our room with me, and then I will," James instructed. The two friends walked up the stairs of the Gryffindor tower until they reached the sixth year boys' dorm.

"So…is it Lily?" Sirius asked in excitement. He loved girls, and he loved giving his friends wild ideas on how to get them.

"How did you know?" James asked with a groan. "Am I that obvious?"

"Oh no," Sirius hurriedly assured him. "It's only the way you were staring at her arse as she walked out of the room." He let out a wicked cackle as James shoved him over. He flopped down onto his bed, pulling James down next to him.

"Ok, now, Lily's a serious girl," Sirius said, getting down to business. He had had his own brief fling with Lily the previous year, although that hadn't lasted long. The two had parted amicably, deciding that they were better suited as friends.

"Serious girls like being courted, so you have to send her flowers, jewelry, and the like. Then, make sure she notices what a gallant sort of fellow you are. She'll be falling for you in no time flat," he boasted confidently.

"Are you sure?" James asked doubtfully. Sirius appeared horrified by the distrustful attitude towards his advice.

"Me? You're questioning me? I am only the handsomest, most popular most…" Sirius was interrupted when James shoved him over once again.

"I get the picture, Sirius. You better be right on this…" Sirius smiled at him innocently, his black hair falling across his eyes in a way James could never get his own to do.

"Of course I'm right," he said. "Trust me on this one."

The next day Lily was sitting at the long Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, eating her breakfast with her friends. Her peaceful morning was interrupted when a barn owl carrying a mixed bouquet of colorful daisies and wild roses perched on the table next to her.

Taking the flowers cautiously, she read the note attached.

_Lily, my apologies for the trouble I caused you yesterday. Yours, James_

Her face turned bright red and she looked down the long table to where James and his friends sat. James was attempting to nonchalantly stare at his slices of bacon, but it was fairly obvious he was really watching Lily's reaction.

"Oooh…Lily, who are they from?" Alice Lancaster asked in excitement.

"Nobody!" Lily snapped. Her friend's face creased in confusion at Lily's harsh words.

"I'm sorry, Alice, I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just…irritated, to say the least. I'll tell you about it later, ok?" Alice nodded in acquiescence, a confused but supportive smile on her face.

Once she made sure James was watching, Lily grabbed the eclectic blossoms and thrust them into the hands of a little first year Gryffindor.

"Here, throw these away for me, will you? They simply smell terribly of mold." The boy looked bewildered, but he took the flowers and headed off to do what she asked. And over at the other end of the table, James's face was an awful shade of red that more than matched Lily's own.

Lily felt a sense of perverse pleasure at seeing James's embarrassment, although she didn't know why. In general, Lily was a kind person who tried never to hurt other people's feelings, no matter who they might be.

But when it came to James Potter…something about that boy simply got under her skin and made her itch like no other could.

_Author's Note - this one isn't a one-shot, in fact, it's turning out to be incredibly long. It seems that way at least! I hope to update this once a week, but I'll be waiting to see if anyone reads it first...so please, review, and tell me what you think of it. A huge amount of thank you's goes out to my beta...you're awesome Sierra!_


	2. Hogsmeade Weekend

Chapter Two

James watched in humiliation as Lily shoved the flowers he had sent her into the arms of a younger student. He turned to glare at Sirius, who was watching with amusement.

"So, Padfoot, care to tell me why that plan of yours fell through?" he demanded angrily.

"Prongs, Prongs, calm down. You aren't seeing rejection, you are seeing Lily playing hard to get. This simply means that you have to try harder if you want to win her."

"Win who?" Peter Pettigrew asked eagerly, sticking his nose into the conversation.

"Oh…nobody," Sirius said slyly. "You'll have to try to get the information out of Prongs later. He's in a mood right now."

James glared at Sirius and turned back to his nearly empty breakfast plate. Remus Lupin was observing him quietly, a small smile on his narrow face.

Remus felt a mixture of envy and amusement towards James and Sirius and their infamous pursuits of women. Although good looking, Remus was much quieter and more serious than his other two friends, and had never gone out with a girl in his life.

The antics of James and Sirius were often quite entertaining to watch, especially when they were making fools out of themselves in front of people. They always had a long line of girls ready to go out with them though, which was something Remus didn't have.

Not that he hadn't ever had one, or that he couldn't have one; it was more that he chose not to have such a line. He felt it unfair to any girl he would possibly date to keep secrets from her, especially secrets of the severe magnitudes of Remus'.

How could he ever let a girl get close to him, and then have to reveal that he was a werewolf? Any normal girl would panic and run, and Remus knew it. Therefore Remus chose to stay single, unlike James and Sirius.

Peter's single status was not by his own choice. The slightly plump, slightly slow Peter had never had a girlfriend, or even a fling. He was never quite sure how he got to be friends with people as popular as James, Sirius, and even Remus, but he knew he could never be on their level. He was simply the tag-a-long, the one who would do all the dirty work they were too lazy to do.

Other people looked on this arrangement with scorn, but Peter was satisfied with it for the most part. He hung around with the Hogwarts elite, and was accepted by most students. If being the errand boy was what it took to remain in his place, he would be such willingly.

"So, what are we going to do for the Hogsmeade weekend?" James asked to change the topic.

"What do you mean, 'what are we going to do'?" Sirius asked suspiciously. "We're going to go to Hogsmeade, that's what."

"Obviously," James smirked. "Are we going to go with just us four, or are we going to try and get some of the girls to go with us?"

"Ah…" Sirius answered, grinning. "I was thinking it might be kind of fun to get Marlene McKinnon to walk with me a bit."

"Do you think we should ask Marlene, Dorcas, Alice, Emmeline, and Lily to come with us?" Peter asked breathlessly. He loved being with the sixth year Gryffindor girls, as they always slightly babied him and pampered him, instead of treating him like a lapdog.

James's cheeks flushed almost imperceptibly as he nodded his approval. Sirius winked at him, and added his own agreement.

"Remus?" Peter prodded.

"I don't care," Remus said affably. The girls, Alice and Lily in particular were extremely friendly and always livened things up a bit.

"It's settled then!" Peter beamed. "I'll go ask the girls right now!" He stood up to go to where they were sitting when a hand yanked him back down into his seat.

"No you won't!" James growled. "You'll likely scare them off with your overexcited yipping. Let Remus ask, they'll be more likely to agree to it if he asks." Peter deflated a bit at James's words, but he was used to such by now.

Remus grinned coolly at being the appointed go-between…apparently not having the lady killer reputation of James or Sirius occasionally had its advantages.

"All right…I'll go ask them now," he said casually. He stood up and strolled towards the other end of the Gryffindor table. The girls looked up at him, most of them with smiles on their faces, but he thought he saw Lily give him a slightly dirty look.

"Hey girls," he said.

"Hey, Remus, what's up?" Alice asked, looking up at him from where she sat. Her dark blue eyes sparkled as she smiled at him.

"We," he said, gesturing at his friends, "were wondering if you girls had any plans for the Hogsmeade trip …which is tomorrow."

"Actually," Lily began, her tone of voice vaguely chilly, "we…" she stopped abruptly and jumped, as if someone had kicked or pinched her.

"…don't have any plans!" Marlene McKinnon interjected brightly. Remus stifled a laugh at the antics of the two girls and tried to pretend he hadn't noticed anything.

"Great, then we were wondering if you would possibly want to spend the time with us," he continued.

"We most definitely would not…" Lily started again, a scowl on her face.

"…would not mind a bit!" Dorcas Meadows finished. She grinned almost madly at

Remus, her small even teeth flashing at him. Lily glared at her, but turned back to her breakfast with a resigned expression on her face.

"Great, we'll see you then I suppose!" Remus said, hastily making his way back to Sirius, James, and Peter. Once he had sat back down next to them he burst out laughing.

"What's so funny, Moony?" James asked.

"Nothing…" he answered. He kept smiling though, causing his three friends to watch him suspiciously.

"Dorcas!" Lily hissed, turning to face her friend. "What did you do that for?"

"Do what?" Dorcas asked innocently. The other three girls snickered as they watched Lily's eyes flash.

"I do _not_ want to spend my Hogsmeade weekend with James Potter and his friends!" Lily cried. "And Marlene…you didn't have to kick me so hard!" She bent down and rubbed her sore shin.

"Just because you seem to have a problem with James, for who knows what reason, it doesn't mean that we can't spend some time with our own friends," Marlene answered defensively.

"And that wouldn't have anything to do with the oh-so-handsome Sirius Black, would it?" Lily asked sarcastically. Marlene felt herself blush, but she stood her ground.

"So what if it does? He's paid some attention to me lately, and I wouldn't mind having a little fun. Just because you're a stick in the mud doesn't mean we all have to be."

"Really, Lily, just relax and have some fun this weekend," Alice suggested, her voice soothing. "We'll make sure you hardly even have to talk to James."

Lily immediately began to feel ashamed for her actions.

"I'm sorry, I'm being a prat. I'm letting this silly grudge I have get in the way of all of our friendships. I don't know why I'm acting so strange," she said apologetically. The other girls all smiled at her forgivingly and waved their hands, dismissing the matter quickly.

"Don't worry about it," Emmeline Banks advised. "We all have slightly insane moments; you just have more than the rest of us." She smiled teasingly at Lily, and Lily grinned back ruefully.

* * *

The nine Gryffindors squeezed themselves into the largest booth at the Three Broomsticks, which was still much too small. The table had all sorts of graffiti scratched into the surface, ranging from the usual "Tommy + Laura Love" to "Fred wears pink polka dotted knickers". They all quickly ordered butterbeers, and then began to chat amongst themselves.

"So, who are you taking to the Valentine's day ball?" Marlene asked Sirius; her dark brown eyes open wide. He grinned at her and leaned back as far as the back of the booth would allow him to do.

"I don't know, who do you think I should take?" he asked, his black hair falling down into his eyes.

"Oh, somebody from Gryffindor, for sure!" she said breathlessly. "A girl from another house might be all right, but she'll never be as good as a Gryffindor!"

The others watched as Marlene and Sirius very obviously flirted. Marlene was avidly trying to persuade Sirius to take her to the ball, without saying as much of course, and Sirius was purposely playing dumb.

"All in favor of ditching those two and leaving so we can have a somewhat intelligent conversation say 'aye'," Emmeline suggested quietly. The other six laughed, and each said 'aye'. They stood up and slid out of the booth.

They each started to pull knuts out of their pockets to pay for the butterbeer but James stopped them.

"Don't worry, it's on me," James said, pulling out a whole handful of knuts. The others immediately started to protest, but James held up his hand.

"Don't, someone else can pay next time," he promised.

"If you're sure…" Dorcas said reluctantly. Lily crossed her eyes in annoyance; she liked to pay for her own expenses, but was sick of arguing with James. He assured them it was fine and the group started to make their way out of the shop. To their amusement, Sirius and Marlene still hadn't noticed the departure of their friends and were still flirting madly with each other.

True to their word, Dorcas, Alice, and Emmeline tried their best to keep James and Lily apart at all times. As they walked down the streets of Hogsmeade, James and Lily were on opposite ends of the group. When they browsed in Zonko's, Emmeline hurried James off down one aisle and Lily went with Alice to a different area of the joke shop.

"Lily, why are you so upset with James all of a sudden?" Alice asked once they were out of hearing distance of the others. Lily sighed and turned towards her best friend.

"You know those flowers I got?" she began.

"They were from him?" Alice asked. Lily nodded. "I suspected as much. You immediately looked his way after reading the note, and he was acting so strange I knew they weren't from Sirius. But why is that such a big deal? If you don't like him like that, just ignore them."

"It's not that. He's such…such a prat! For no good reason the other day, he hexed Snape so he had bright green hair all day long. Then yesterday morning he sends me those roses, as if they would make it all better. If he truly wanted to repent for his actions, he should have sent flowers to Snape!" Lily exclaimed.

Alice started to giggle. When Lily looked at her questioningly, Alice shook her head in amusement.

"Can you imagine? James Potter, boy wonder, sending gorgeous flower bouquets to _Snivellus_?" Alice began to giggle even harder and Lily had to join in. It really was a funny thought, and it would certainly never happen. If it did, Lily would have to check herself into St.Mungo's, because surely she would be having delusions.

James and Emmeline wandered over to where the two laughing girls were standing puzzled expressions on their faces.

"What's so funny?" James asked casually. The two girls took one look at him and started laughing even harder.

"Oh, nothing," Lily choked out. He stared at her with a bewildered look on his face. "We were just talking about…flowers." James immediately looked embarrassed, because he knew this meant they were probably laughing at him.

Lily watched his expression change and felt a small twinge of guilt.

"Oh, ignore us. Alice and I have a tendency to go off on the oddest tangents. We were just laughing about nothing at all," she said kindly. James didn't look convinced, but he nodded anyways.

"Girls, Slytherins, and parents all have one thing in common," he muttered under his breath. "I can't understand any of them."

"Hey, watch it!" Emmeline said jokingly. "You're outnumbered here!" She playfully swatted him and he ducked, sticking his tongue out at her.

"Real mature," Lily commented. He immediately straightened up, a more serious expression on his face. Lily felt another pang of guilt as she saw how her words took effect on him. Why did he take everything she said so seriously?

After rounding up Remus, Peter, and Dorcas they all left the shop to go in search of Sirius and Marlene. It was nearing time to leave, and they all wanted to walk back together.

Lily hung back in the group a little so she was walking next to James. He looked at her in confusion, but he couldn't hide the smile that was playing on his lips.

The winter wind was chilly, making Lily grateful for the thick green scarf she had wrapped around her neck. The rest of the group wore Gryffindor colors, but Lily couldn't stand following the crowd, no matter how loyal to her house she was. In exchange for her sense of self-identity she gladly brushed off the "Slytherin-lover" comments that a few immature students couldn't resist making in her presence.

"Potter, I owe you an apology for how I acted yesterday morning," she said quietly, shivering a bit as the wind gusted suddenly. "I shouldn't have acted so rashly like I did just to spite you."

"Don't worry about it a bit," he said. "My feelings aren't hurt that easily!"

"Well, that's pretty well evident," Lily muttered. "I really wanted to tell you that I think that instead of apologizing to me, you should have apologized to Snape. He is really the one who was affected," she went on.

"Ah, well, I guess that won't be happening any time soon," James said sourly. "He was the one who started it; I'm not going to apologize."

"If that's the way you felt then, I don't have anything else to say," Lily answered. She quickened her pace and started to catch up with the rest of the group.

"Evans, wait!" James called after her. She turned around to see what he wanted.

"You're right," he said hastily. "I really should apologize to Snape. I've always been a total prat to him and it's not really fair to him." James was lying through his teeth, but he didn't want Lily to think badly of him. It must have worked because Lily blessed him with one of her gleaming smiles.

"I'm glad you see it now, better late than never. Especially after that incident last year…I think it would do good to apologize to him," Lily said in a pleased tone. James winced at the reminder of how Lily had scorned him after he had tormented Snape that day after OWLS in fifth year.

"I'll…I'll be sure to do that," he muttered. She smiled at him again and he felt a sudden rush of confidence.

"Um…well, do you want to go the Valentines Ball with me?" he asked.

Lily's eyebrows almost flew off of her head. How in the name of Merlin did James figure that she'd want to go to the dance with him? The two had never gotten along a day in their lives. She simply could not understand him if her life depended on it.

"Sorry…I already have a date," she answered.

His face falling just the slightest bit, he asked, "Who?" Competition wasn't bad; it always made him look good and the other guy look worse.

"I guess you'll find out at the ball," Lily replied coolly. To tell the truth she didn't have a date yet, but she was sure she would by the time the ball came around. If nobody asked her, she would simply ask another guy.

She walked away from James with a swish of her long coppery hair. She had done her apology, and now she was relieved to get back into the company of her actual friends.

_Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews Em, Sierra, Lily, and Mage-Aurian! Reviews are awesome... Let me know what you think of this... -Rochelle_


	3. Dorcas Meadows

Chapter Three

"So…I take it you and Marlene are going to the ball together?" James asked Sirius casually. The four boys were back in their dormitory at Hogwarts, sprawled out on their respective beds.

"What makes you think that?" Sirius inquired innocently. He was fiddling with the velvet ties of his crimson bed hangings, belying the tone of his voice.

James snorted in disbelief. "What makes me think that? Only the fact that you two were talking about it so heatedly that you didn't even notice that we all left!"

"We noticed!" Sirius protested. "We be bothered. We were busy talking."

"Whatever, are you two going together?"

"Yes," Sirius admitted grudgingly. "That girl really knows how to twist my arm."

"You were the one who said you were looking _forward_ to walking with Marlene," Peter pointed out. He looked pleased with himself for remembering this fact. A small smile spread across his plump face, causing him to look a bit like a munchkin.

"Whose side are you on anyway?" Sirius demanded, glaring at him. "What about you, Prongs? Who are you going with?"

"I asked Lily," James answered. Sirius grinned and slapped James on the back.

"See, I told you my advice would work, she's already fallen for you then!" he crowed. "Good job, mate!"

"She said no," James added. Sirius' face fell and he shoved James.

"You prat," he said. "Why'd she turn you down?"

"She already had a date," James admitted.

"Ah…" Sirius mused, stroking his chin. "That doesn't mean that if she was available, she still would have said no."

"She probably would have, she's still sort of mad at me for turning Snivellus' hair green."

"She's _mad_ about that?" Sirius asked incredulously. "She should thank you for doing a favor to wizard-kind. That Evans really needs to stop being such a stick in the mud."

James scowled at him.

"She's not a stick in the mud. She's just very…serious," James said defensively.

"Right…and that's why she thinks that humiliating Snape is a criminal offense," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes. He stretched out on his bed and yawned. "I don't know, Prongs, but I'm going to bed. We can talk more about your love-lacking life tomorrow."

* * *

Lily sat in Transfigurations, avidly taking notes on what Professor McGonagall was saying.

_Bonk._

A small wadded up piece of parchment hit Lily in the back of the head. She bent down and picked it up off of the floor. Catching a glimpse of writing on it, she uncrumpled it.

_You're beautiful,_ it read. Lily scowled at it and crammed it into her pocket.

A few minutes later another hit her head. This one said, _your green eyes are the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen. They remind me of lime flavored jelly beans. _

During the remainder of the class, a total of fifteen notes hit her, all saying various "flattering" things about Lily.

_No other girl in the world could ever compare to you._

_When you walk by, my heart does back flips._

_Your perfume drifts through the air and makes me want to kiss you._

When Lily read that one, she vowed to never again wear the perfume she had on. It was Chloe, a muggle perfume that she had always adored. But if James liked it…it must be terrible.

When class ended, she walked up to James who was smiling cockily at her. Now was when Lily would come confess her undying love to him.

She held out her hand, and he stretched his out likewise. This was going even better than he thought if she was willing to hold his hand in the middle of the whole class.

"For you," she whispered. She dumped all fifteen crumpled up pieces of parchment into his hand. "You can keep them, for another girl," she added. His face fell into a look of utter despair. Lily quickly walked out the door with Alice, who was waiting for her.

James turned to Remus with a heartbroken expression on his face.

"I was being gallant," he said gloomily. "Why didn't it work?"

"James," Remus sighed. "I doubt that tossing wadded up pieces of parchment with corny sayings really counts as being gallant. It's more like irritating, I would guess."

James groaned, and glared at Sirius, who was walking over to them. "Every time I try to follow your advice I end up looking like a fool."

"That, my friend, is because you never listen to me. I say to be gallant and you throw things at her. They aren't the same," Sirius answered in exaggerated patience, his blue eyes wide.

James frowned. It was true, but he never realized things like that until he had gone and done them.

"Maybe you should just give up on her," Sirius suggested. "She's resisted you for years now. I don't think she'll ever come around."

"Never!" James answered, aghast. "I will never give up on Lily. I…I couldn't." He was so horrified by Sirius's suggestion that he picked up his books and sped into the hallway. If anyone ever thought he'd stop chasing Lily Evans, they were completely off their rocker.

* * *

Lily lay down on her bed and sighed. A nagging uneasiness had settled in her stomach, and she didn't know why on earth it was there.

"What's wrong, Lily?" Alice asked. She was perched on her own bed, peering at Lily with her midnight blue eyes open wide.

"Oh…nothing," Lily replied. "Who are you going to the Valentine's Day Ball with?"

Alice blushed and she cast her eyes down shyly.

"I'm going with Frank," she said softly. Lily sat up to look at her friend carefully.

"You're going with Frank?" she repeated. Alice nodded. "Good for you!" Lily exclaimed. "Frank's nice; you'll have a lot of fun with him."

Alice had always had a slight crush on Frank Longbottom, now a seventh year Gryffindor. Lily was happy that her friend had finally gotten a date with him. Alice was a sweet girl, but always too shy to make a move on a guy.

"Who are you going with?" Alice asked.

"I don't know, I guess I'll find someone to go with pretty soon," Lily replied nonchalantly. She had better be able find somebody since she had told James she already had a date. She didn't want to end up looking like the liar that she was. Not that she cared what James thought of her, especially after his immaturity in Transfigurations that day.

"There's sure to be loads of boys wanting to go with you, Lily. There always are," Alice said confidently. She knew that her best friend was gorgeous, not to mention brilliant and personable. Men were always lining up to get a date with Lily.

"Thanks, Alice," Lily said, laughing dryly. "I'm glad you have such faith in me."

Lily was somewhat of a legend at Hogwarts. All the boys wanted to date her, and she wanted to date very few of them. She liked being her own person, setting her own rules for her life, without the interference of school age males trying to pretend they knew what was best for her.

Just as she finished speaking, Dorcas Meadows stumbled in, a troubled expression on her face.

"What's wrong, Dorcas?" Lily asked immediately. The petite brown haired girl turned to her, tears welling up in her amber eyes.

"I just got an owl from my parents. It said…it said that my grandmother was just found attacked by Death Eaters in her house," she whispered. The tears immediately started to fall down her cheeks, as if saying the words had somehow made it even more real for her.

"I'm so sorry," Lily said, jumping off her bed to put her arms around Dorcas. Alice immediately did the same thing.

"Do they know who did it?" Alice asked softly. Dorcas shook her head.

"What are you going to do?" Lily asked.

"I can't go home; my parents don't think its safe enough. I can't even go to her funeral service!" Dorcas sobbed.

"I'm so sorry," Lily said again. The three girls stood huddled together in the middle of the large circular room with their arms around each other. Dorcas cried quietly while Alice and Lily rubbed her back gently saying soothing things to her.

When Marlene and Emmeline came in, they didn't even ask what was wrong; they just wrapped their arms around Dorcas and joined the group. Sometimes friendship didn't require words; it just meant being there when somebody needed you.

* * *

James walked out of the Great Hall where he had just finished eating dinner and nearly tripped over Dorcas Meadows. The small girl looked very dazed and preoccupied, standing alone in the middle of the vastly empty hallway.

"Are you ok? I'm sorry…I didn't mean to stumble over you," James apologized.

"I'm fine," Dorcas said quietly. Her tawny eyes were large and sad as she looked up at James.

"All right then, I'm glad I didn't hurt you," James said awkwardly. Dorcas just nodded her head and kept standing there.

"Dorcas, are you really all right?" James asked. She looked as if she had more troubling her than simply having her toes stomped on. "Is there anything you want to talk about?" James normally wasn't one to talk about feelings, especially not with girls. In addition, Dorcas was almost always quiet, so James hardly knew her at all.

Yet something about the downcast eyes, the sorrowful expression on her face brought out the sensitive side in James.

"I'm…I'm ok," she whispered. "Thanks for asking though." She tried to force a small smile onto her face so James would stop worrying about her.

"No problem," James said. "Dorcas…I don't suppose you'd want to go to the Valentine's Ball with me, would you?"

Dorcas' face lit up immediately, and the smile on her face became real.

"Of course I'll go with you," she said. "Thank you for asking me." James nodded. He didn't know exactly why he had asked Dorcas to go to the ball with him, but it was certainly worth it seeing the way it had cheered her up considerably.

"I'll see you then," he said as he started to walk away. She smiled and nodded. The smile on her face made her plain features almost appear pretty, James thought, as he made his way down the hall.

* * *

"Well, everybody, I have a date to the ball," Lily announced as she walked into her dormitory.

"With who?" Alice asked with interest, leaning forwards on her bed. The orange bed hangings swayed as she shifted her weight. All the other Gryffindors had crimson hangings, but Alice had been determined to change hers to yellow, her favorite color. The hangings were magicked to hold their crimson color, and when combined with Alice's spell had produced a rather shocking shade of carroty color. Any further attempts at color changing had proved unsuccessful.

"Michael Penn," Lily replied. "A seventh year Ravenclaw," she added.

"Ooh…is he that one that's really cute?" Marlene asked eagerly, her dark brown eyes sparkling.

"I guess you could say that," Lily answered indifferently. She grabbed her red satin nightgown out of her chest and started to change out of her uniform.

"I'm going with Sirius," Marlene gushed, spinning around in circles. Her curly light brown hair flew out behind her, catching the light easily.

"We know," Emmeline said dryly. She was draped elegantly on her bed, her gleaming black hair pulled up in a simple twist and her face was devoid of makeup.

Marlene simply giggled and flopped on her bed. Although she often acted quite ditzy and boy crazy, Marlene was truly a talented witch. Knowing that about herself made it easier to shrug off any teasing about her empty-headedness.

"What about you, Dorcas, are you going with anyone?" Marlene asked. Alice started to frown at her, but Dorcas cut her off.

"Yes, actually I am. I'm going with James," she said quietly with a proud expression on her face. The other four girls gasped.

"You're going with James?" Alice asked in excitement. "That's wonderful!"

"Yeah," Dorcas said. "He probably just felt sorry for me though," she added.

"Why do you say that?" Alice asked. "Does he know about your grandmother?"

"No," Dorcas replied.

"See, he obviously just realized what a sweet girl you are, and wanted to take you," Alice stated happily. "Sometimes I think all that boy cares about is looks and figures, but then he goes and proves me wrong." After saying this, Alice quickly realized her mistake. "Not to say that you aren't pretty, Dorcas, because that's entirely untrue," she amended hastily. The damage had already been done though.

"I know I'm not pretty," Dorcas said glumly. "I don't know why he felt he had to ask me."

"Dorcas, don't listen to a word Alice says," Emmeline said sharply. "You are a beautiful girl, inside and out. James should feel honored that he's going to the ball with you." Marlene and Alice quickly agreed, trying to cheer Dorcas up.

"Oh well," Dorcas said, shrugging it off. "I'm going to try and forget about everything that's been bothering me and have some fun at the ball."

"That's the spirit," Marlene said approvingly. She grabbed Dorcas' hand and started twirling around the room again, pulling Dorcas with her.

"Just think, you and I somehow snagged two of the most popular boys at Hogwarts!" she sang as she danced. The two giggled and spun until they were so dizzy they fell down onto the floor.

The whole time, Lily had been strangely silent. Alice shot her a concerned look, but Lily pretended not to notice. Too many thoughts were flying through her head.

James had always acted like the worlds biggest prat. Girls, Quidditch, and looking good were his main concerns. Lily had always scorned him and his arrogant ways; and she had made sure that he knew it too.

Now he had asked Dorcas to the ball, and Dorcas, although nice, was definitely not James' normal type of girl. There was no way he had ran out of girls to date, so Lily was left wondering why in the name of Merlin was he going with Dorcas.

Was it possible that James was finally maturing? Lily shook her head. The idea was impossible. James Potter would be a prat until the day he died, Lily was sure of that.

Despite her thoughts, Lily couldn't push away the image of his messy black hair and large hazel eyes as she drifted off to sleep.

_Thanks for reviewing Lily-Fashizzle, and thanks to Sierra for the awesome beta-ing and reviewing you always do. Please, let me know what you think of My Immortal, how it's going,what you like, and what you don't like. Until next week... - Rochelle_


	4. Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day started off as a cool, crisp, sunny day. All of the students quickly made their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast; eager to receive any Valentines the owls might deliver.

Lily sat down at her usual place at the Gryffindor table, surrounded by Marlene, Alice, Emmeline, and Dorcas. She reached over for the jar of syrup and poured some over her pancakes. She was in the middle of chewing her first bite when a large owl appeared at her side.

It was carrying a huge bouquet of red and white heart shaped flowers. When she touched the petals gingerly they opened up into blooms of roses. A simple white card fell out with a short message written on it. Lily read it slowly.

_If I know what love is, it is because of you_

It was unsigned, and written in a script unfamiliar to Lily. She looked around to see if anybody was watching her with a guilty expression on their face, but none such person was found.

"Ooh…Lily, those are gorgeous!" Marlene exclaimed. "Who gave them to you?"

"I don't know," Lily said thoughtfully. "But I'd like to find out."

* * *

The hours leading up to the ball were extremely hectic. The girls were rushing around trying on various dress robes, putting on makeup, doing their hair, and obsessing over their dates for the night.

Lily was wearing flattering deep red dress robes that contrasted wonderfully with her creamy skin. She applied hardly any makeup at all, because she had always preferred a natural look. She had used a hair-doing spell to twist her long red hair into an exquisite bun, with a few curly tendrils falling to frame her face.

"Lily, you look beautiful," Alice breathed in admiration. "Michael's going to faint when he sees you."

"I hope he doesn't," Lily said sharply. "I plan on dancing the whole night, and I can't do that if my date's in the infirmary." She smiled mischievously at Alice, who giggled.

"You look nice too," Lily commented. Alice was wearing blue satin dress robes that complimented her dark blue eyes. Her blond hair was in curls around her round face, giving her an angelic look.

"Thank you," Alice said shyly. She was never comfortable when people complimented her. "I just hope Frank likes it."

Lily laughed. "If he has any brains in his head, he'll like you, whether you're in rags or riches." Alice smiled gratefully at Lily, and the two girls headed down the stairs to meet their dates.

James watched in awe as Lily twirled around the dance floor with Michael Penn, her date from Ravenclaw. He knew that as Dorcas' date he should be paying attention to her, but Lily was so beautiful he couldn't resist staring at her.

As he danced with Dorcas his eyes followed Lily's slender figure moving across the floor in her vibrant crimson robes. As he and Dorcas sipped butterbeers, he watched Lily's gorgeous smile flash across her face as she talked to Michael. And, as he and Dorcas snacked at one of the tables, he marveled over the way Lily could look more dazzling than any other girl there, and still be as unaware of it as she was.

"Go," a soft voice said, breaking him out of his reverie. He looked down to see Dorcas looking up at him sadly.

"Excuse me?" he said, confused.

"Go ask her for a dance," she urged. "I know you want to."

"Dorcas I…" he started to protest, but Dorcas cut him off.

"Don't worry about me. I'm going to go find Emmeline; I have to talk to her about something. Meanwhile, go and dance with Lily." She smiled at him reassuringly.

"If you're sure it's alright…" he said. He felt guilty that he was so blatantly paying attention to Lily rather than Dorcas.

"It's all right."

James smiled at Dorcas gratefully, and quickly made his way over to where Lily and Michael were dancing.

"May I cut in?" he asked politely. Michael gave him a dirty look, but nodded. James took Lily's hand and wrapped his remaining arm around her narrow waist.

"Happy Valentine's Day," he said, smiling at her. She smiled cautiously back.

"Same to you," she replied.

"I apologized to Sni…Snape today," he told her.

"Really? That's marvelous."

"Yes, he didn't seem to appreciate it, but I did it none-the-less," James answered. _Only for you though, Lily. Nothing, or nobody, else could ever make me apologize to Snivellus._

"It's the thought that counts," Lily assured him. "Speaking of which…I'm so glad you asked Dorcas to the dance. It made her very happy."

James was confused as to why Lily was talking about this, but he smiled and nodded.

"I knew that she was feeling slightly low," James said. "I simply wanted to make sure she had a date, I was hoping to make her happy."

"Yes, I don't know if you've heard, but her grandmother was killed by Death Eaters this past week. She's been depressed ever since she found out."

"I didn't know that," James replied.

"Good, I'm glad you didn't ask Dorcas out of pity then," Lily said. She looked for Dorcas and was surprised to see her dancing with Remus Lupin.

"Out of pity?" James asked, narrowing his eyes. "I would never ask a girl to be my date out of pity. I asked her to come because I wanted to."

Lily smiled at him, this time a big genuine smile. She reached up and tried to smooth down his wild black hair.

"It never stays combed," he said apologetically. "It has a mind of its own."

_Good, _Lily thought. _I like it this way. _She blushed and immediately chastised herself for such thoughts.

"You look really nice tonight, Lily," James said. She blushed even deeper, but the compliment jolted her out of her silence.

"Thank you, James, but you don't need to compliment me. It's not going to get you anywhere," she said.

"I'm not trying to get anywhere, it's just the truth," James said, puzzled.

"I know your reputation," she answered somewhat sharply.

James had a slightly hurt expression on his face. "You might know my reputation, but do you know me?" As he asked her that question, the song ended, and he walked away. Lily was left standing alone on the dance floor, a troubled expression on her face.

"_You might know my reputation, but do you know me?" _The words haunted Lily for the rest of the night. Was it true; that Lily was only judging James by what was on the outside? But James had always been a cocky, arrogant prat; Lily didn't want to believe that she had been wrong about him all this time.

After lying to Michael about not feeling well Lily escaped outside. There she found herself walking the grounds, lost deep in her thoughts.

She hated herself for thinking about James so much, but right now he was causing so many conflicting feelings in her life.

Lily was so involved in her thoughts that she didn't pay attention to where she was walking. A sudden thump brought her back to life as she felt herself collide with what seemed to be a hard wall.

A look proved that she hadn't collided with a wall, but only James Potter. He quickly reached out an arm to steady her. That arm snaked around her back and held her body close to him.

Lily felt tremors run up and down her body at being so close to James. He smelt wonderful, a musky, distinctly masculine smell. When she looked up into his eyes, a strong charge jolted her body.

"Lily," he whispered. He smoothed a gentle finger along her jaw, tipping her chin up. His face got nearer and nearer until their lips met. At first the kiss was gentle and cautious, but then it became deeper and more passionate.

To her dismay, Lily felt herself kiss him back. It felt heavenly to be in his arms, to have him kissing her.

When she pulled away to take a breath, a few of her senses returned to her.

"What are you doing?" she demanded. Before he had a chance to respond, she went on. "I was feeling sorry for what I had said on the dance floor, but now I'm glad I didn't apologize! I was right all along. You are a womanizing prat; I can see that clearly now!"

James tried to stop her, tried to explain, but she continued in rage. "You were messing with my thoughts, trying to make me believe that you had honestly changed, and that you were no longer your old self. I don't know what kind of game you're trying to play with me, Potter, but I suggest you stop. Or you'll regret it," she added in a hiss. Then she turned around on her high red heels and stalked away.

James stared after her in bewilderment. She had kissed him back, he was sure of it. What had made her suddenly turn and run? As much as he was in love with her, James was sure that he'd never understand her.

* * *

Lily entered her dormitory slightly calmer than before. She breathed deeply and put a fake smile on her face.

"So, how was your evening, girls?" she asked in a chipper tone of voice. They all looked at her suspiciously, but began to tell their stories.

"Well…Sirius was sooo handsome!" Marlene exclaimed. "I thought I was going to swoon just looking at him! Not to mention how charming he is, how witty he is…" she trailed off, her hand over her heart. "I had a wonderful evening."

"Frank kissed me!" Alice shared eagerly. "We left the ball early and went for a walk around the lake. He held my hand the whole time, and then when we were about to go, he kissed me."

The girls all oohed and ahhed over this, as Alice had never had a boyfriend or even gone out with a boy. She had always been too busy pining for Frank.

"I had a nice time, not as exciting as you two though," Dorcas put in. "James was quite the gentleman; he danced nearly every dance with me, and stayed by my side the whole evening."

Lily rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything.

"How about you, Emmeline?" Marlene asked. The tall girl smiled coyly at them.

"Of course I had fun," she replied. "I danced with half of the boys there…only the cute half obviously!" She winked a dark green eye at them and laughed.

"Lily?" Alice said, prompting her to tell her story.

"Oh, I had a marvelous time," Lily lied.

"I saw you danced with James," Dorcas said slyly.

"Only because it would be rude to turn him down in front of everyone!" Lily replied hotly. "I never would have otherwise. He's a complete prat of the worst kind."

As she turned to slip out of her dress robes, the other four girls shared a look behind her back. It almost seemed as if Lily was trying to convince herself more than convincing them.

* * *

The nextday as Lily left Transfigurations, James caught her arm.

"Lily, I need to talk to you," he said in an urgent tone. She glared at him, but didn't say anything.

"Meet me in the Astronomy Tower at nine tonight," he ordered. She simply walked away. When guys tried to tell her what to do, she usually did the exact opposite, an adverse reaction due to the fact that she hated when men tried to treat women as their subordinates.

Yet that night at nine she found herself walking up the steps of the Astronomy Tower. Possibly it was the thought of finally being able to put James in his place and burying him there. Or it could have been to get James and his annoyingly floppy black hair out of her system.

It was frustrating, really, that so much of Lily's time was devoted to thinking about James Potter. Not that she pined away for him, but that she spent her time irritated with him, or thinking of ways to win against him for once and for all in their battle of the wills.

No matter the reason however, she was there, in the dark spirals of the Astronomy Tower, precisely at nine. Lily abhorred lateness.

When she reached the top she saw James gazing out at the stars, his back to her. He didn't turn around until she had made her way to stand next to him.

"Why did you run away from me last night?" he asked harshly. She blinked and took a step back.

"You think that by complimenting me and saying nice things you can get me to fall for you like all the other girls do, but you can't!" she exclaimed. "I'm not like your other girls."

"I know," James said quietly. Lily was startled by his answer. What did he mean?

"What you were saying to me last night, it wasn't true Lily. I can see how possibly you'd think that, because of my reputation, but I wish you'd give me the chance to prove I'm not like that. You judge me without truly knowing me. And it hurts."

Lily couldn't believe how freely James was bearing his soul, if that was truly what he was doing.

"You didn't need to kiss me though," she snapped.

"But I wanted to," he countered. "And I could tell that you wanted it too." She was about to protest when he put a finger on her lips.

"Shh…I never told you, but I'm excellent at Legilimency. And right now, your mind is telling me to do this." Then he leaned over and kissed her once again. When she tried to back away, he put his arms around her and pulled her closer.

They stayed clinging together for what seemed like all too short of a time, while at the same time feeling like an eternity. Lily felt her body heat rising rapidly and her mind whirling as James held her tight. He was long and lean, with muscle definition built up from Quidditch. Although his body was the opposite of Lily's softer curves, the two seemed to meld together perfectly. Then James stepped away and put his hands on Lily's shoulders, one hand playing gently with a lock of her thick hair.

"You can't deny that you don't enjoy that," he stated. "And you can't deny that it feels right. Can you?" he challenged.

Numbly, Lily shook her head.

"Give me a chance," he begged. "Let me show you who I am." His hazel eyes were pleading with her.

She sighed. "I'll give you a chance, under one condition."

"Anything, name it," he promised.

"You can't kiss me anymore."

"What?" James stared at her in disbelief. "I can't _kiss_ you anymore? What does that mean?"

"It means exactly what it says. When you kiss me, I start to feel all these…feelings, and I get confused. If you really want to prove to me what kind of person you are, hands off. We'll be friends."

James groaned in frustration.

"If that's what it takes, I'll do it," he finally answered. Even though it would be torture, knowing that he had once tasted those sweet red lips but couldn't anymore, it was better than their previous relationship.

Lily smiled at him softly. "That's what it will take," she said. "And if you can show me you've changed, we can go from there." With that she turned and walked back to the stairs of the tower. James could only watch her retreating figure with longing. It seemed he was doing a lot of watching her walk away lately.

_Thanks again to all who have reviewed...Lily-Fashizzle and Sierra...Sierra - minion shows up as a synonym of "subordinate" on my computer, but I do admit that I have an abnormal obsession with the "m" word. Sooo...I took your advice and changed it. Please, everyone, let me know what you think of this and how it's going. Any likes, dislikes, or suggestions are welcome - Rochelle_


	5. Not Dead Yet

"Prongs, Prongs, why the gloomy look?" Sirius asked. James had just returned to the dormitory and slung himself desolately onto his bed.

"You look like a man who has just been rejected," Sirius observed. James shot him a nasty look. "You _were_ rejected?" Sirius asked in delight.

"You don't have to sound so happy about it," James said sourly. "But no, I wasn't rejected. Not exactly anyway."

"What do you mean?" Sirius questioned.

"Lily. She wants me to prove that I've turned into a better man," James explained.

"You've turned into a better man? When?" Sirius asked, wrinkling his brow. James threw a pillow at him in exasperation.

"Right now, you dolt. If that's what it takes to get Lily, then I have officially become a more mature, more sensitive man," James said.

"Sounds pretty boring to me," Sirius exclaimed. "To me, it sounds like she's got you on a leash already."

"Padfoot?"

"What?"

"Shut up. You aren't helping at all." Sirius scowled and threw James's pillow back at him.

"I wasn't trying to help you, I was trying to show you what a stick in the mud you're going to become."

"Why is James becoming a stick in the mud?" Peter asked eagerly as he entered the dormitory. Remus was following behind him.

"Because Jamsie's in love," Sirius said in a singsong voice. "And now he's going to show us all how matu-u-u-ure he is."

"You're going to become mature?" Peter gasped. "No more pranks?" He sounded horrified. Remus nudged him, trying to get him to shut up.

"No more pranks," James said heavily. "You three can do whatever you please, just don't get me involved in it."

"It just won't be the same without you," Peter wailed in a mournful tone.

"Shut up, Wormtail, I'm not dead yet." Sirius and Remus snickered and Peter looked disgruntled.

"I didn't _say_ you were dead," he huffed. "I said it won't…"

"He knows what you said," Remus cut in. "He meant that you were acting like he was dying."

"Oh…" Peter said in comprehension. "I get it."

"_Finally_," James said sarcastically. He pointed his wand at the flickering candles on the wall and muttered, "_Nox._" The room was immediately cast in darkness. He slowly fell into a fitful sleep full of images of Lily retreating from him.

* * *

Late the next night, Remus prowled the halls of Hogwarts alone. He was on prefect duty, and technically Lily should have been with him. She had begged off though, because she needed to study for a big arithmancy exam.

A nearly inaudible sound made him stop suddenly. It was Dorcas, sitting in a little alcove, shaking uncontrollably.

"Dorcas?" he asked in disbelief. "Are you ok?"

"I…I guess I'm all right. I just wanted to be alone for awhile," she explained.

"Is there anything I can do?" Remus asked.

"Sit by me," she whispered. "I think I need somebody to talk to." Remus walked over to her and slid down to the ground.

"What's wrong?"

"Did you hear about my grandmother?" Remus nodded, so Dorcas went on. "Ever since she was attacked, I've felt this perpetual…fear, I guess. I want to go home so I can see that everyone's fine. I'm so scared that they're all going to be murdered too. I want to be there with them, and see with my own eyes that they're all right. I feel so alone, and so scared here."

"So why can't you go home?"

"They're trying to protect me. They say there's no place safer than Hogwarts, and I know they're right, but right now I don't care. I want to be with my family."

"Why don't you tell them that?" Remus suggested. "It sounds to me like they simply don't understand how you feel. They're trying to help you, to keep you safe, but that's not what you want. And if I know you, Dorcas, I'm sure that pretty soon you'd find a way to get home anyway. It'd be better if you did it safely, and with permission."

Dorcas laughed quietly. "Yes, I'm sure pretty soon I'm going to grab my broom and fly home if they don't agree to let me go. It'd definitely be safer if I could get an escort, or ride the Hogwarts Express home. That's what I'll tell them, I'm sure they'll see it my way now," she said almost to herself.

She leaned over impulsively and hugged Remus.

"You're a lifesaver, Remus. I don't know what I would have done without you. Thank you so-o-o much. I've got an important owl to write now," she said, standing up.

"I'm sure you do," Remus said, laughing. She smiled at him and nearly ran down the hall to the Gryffindor common room.

* * *

James sat in Transfiguration trying to figure out a way to get Lily to spend time with him that afternoon. His mind was reeling with various possible ways to ask her out.

"So Lily…do you feel the need to commune with nature? Great…let's go on a walk."

"Lily, I saw the most miraculous thing outside…the giant squid is wearing a pink tutu…come out on a walk with me and I'll show you."

"Lily, I know it's hard to resist me, and I have to say I'm feeling the same towards you. Let's just accept the attraction between us and go snog behind the castle."

Somehow each possibility seemed more ridiculous than the last. He sighed; he was never going to be able to get her to spend time with him.

"Mr. Potter? Mr. Potter?" A loud demanding voice broke into his thoughts.

"Wha…huh?" he stuttered. Professor McGonagall was staring down at him; her glasses perched primly on her thin nose.

"Perhaps if you spent more time paying attention and less time staring at Miss Evans you'd hear the question the first time," she suggested. James flushed a startling shade of red, and from what he could see, Lily was doing the same.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "What did you say?"

"Don't worry about it," she said crisply. "I'll ask somebody else, someone who was paying _attention_." James felt slightly guilty until he saw her wink at him. James was always at the top of the class in Transfigurations, and he was one of McGonagall's favorite students.

Lily turned around in her seat and glared at him. He mouthed the word "sorry" to her, but she just shook her head and turned around.

Once class was over James caught the sleeve of Lily's robe as she started to walk by him.

"Lily, wait," he said. She turned around with a wary expression on her face.

"What? Going to embarrass me again?" she asked coolly.

"I told you, I'm sorry! I can't help it if all I can think about is you!" he exclaimed. She blushed again, but she appeared secretly pleased.

"All right, all right. What do you want?"

"Er…I wanted to know if you'd…if you'd consider going on a walk with me after dinner," he faltered.

"I'll consider it," she answered sweetly. Then she turned and walked away, leaving James staring at her in disbelief.

"You totally set yourself up for that one, Prongs," Sirius said gleefully as he came up to James.

"You were listening?" James glared at Sirius. "Isn't there any privacy?"

"First, if you want privacy, you won't get it in the middle of a Hogwarts hall. Second, I'm your friend; it's my duty to eavesdrop on you."

"Why is it your _duty _to eavesdrop on me?" James demanded.

"Cause then I can tell you want a fool you just made out of yourself," Sirius cackled. James slapped him on the back and started to walk away. Sirius followed him, still laughing.

* * *

When they went down for dinner James slid into the seat next to Lily at the Gryffindor table.

"James," she hissed. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sitting next to you," he said simply. She rolled her eyes.

"I can see that," she said. "I'm asking why are you sitting next to me?"

"Because I want to."

Lily was getting more and more flustered.

"James Potter, this is _not_ where you're supposed to sit!" she exclaimed. "Would you please go back and sit by Sirius and your friends, and let my friends sit by _me_?"

"I thought you and I were friends," he said in a hurt tone of voice. Lily felt a small twinge of guilt.

"We agreed that we were going to work on becoming friends," Lily pointed out.

"Yep. So I'm sitting next to you so we can _work_ on becoming friends," James said happily. Lily sighed as she had to concede defeat.

"Fine," she said. "Sit by me. But if you so much as take one step out of line, or embarrass me at all…you're dead, Potter."

"Would I ever, Lily?" James asked.

"Yes!" she said in a resounding voice. James shrugged his shoulders and smiled a guilty smile.

"What can I say?" he asked. "It's all a part of my charm." He smirked as Lily shoved him.

"You prat!" she exclaimed. James felt a rush of delight though when he noticed that Lily said it more affectionately than angrily.

"I may be a prat, but it's better than being a jerk," he said, nodding at the Slytherin table where, as usual, a fight was breaking out.

"You may be right about that," Lily agreed, watching as a professor ran down to separate the two fighting boys.

"Lily," a new voice said. Lily turned to see Marlene smiling at her slyly.

"What?" Lily asked, a note of defensiveness creeping into her voice. Marlene simply smiled that same coy smile and wiggled her eyebrows. Her meaning was clear as she tilted her head towards James.

Lily groaned and put her head in her hands. Somehow, even if his intentions were good, James Potter managed to humiliate her and complicate her life more than anyone else ever could.

"Are you okay, Lily?" James asked in concern.

"I'm fine," Lily answered, still cradling her head in her hands. She wished that by not showing her face nobody would know it was her, but her flaming red hair was unmistakable.

"If you're fine, then are you going to go on a walk with me later?" James asked in a sly voice. Lily groaned again. She was sick of people making sly comments and sly looks.

"If I say yes, will you go sit with Sirius?" she asked.

"If you say yes, I'll go sit on the moon," James promised.

"As much as I'd like to see you take off for the moon, Potter, I doubt that's going to happen. If you did, you'd have a hard time going on a walk with me, wouldn't you?" Lily asked innocently.

"Evans…you take things too literally," he growled.

"Whatever. I'll meet you in the common room at eight…I have prefect duty at nine thirty, so we have to be back by then," Lily said. James nodded cheerfully and stood up and walked over to the other end of the table. Lily immediately sighed in relief.

"What'd you do to chase James away?" Marlene asked eagerly.

"I didn't chase him away. I asked him to leave and he went," Lily answered.

"Right…Potter looked awfully pleased for a guy who was asked to leave," Marlene observed.

"You know what, Marlene? Sometimes you are too smart for your own good. So shut up," Lily commanded.

Marlene let out a snicker, and then she promptly closed her mouth. Lily was hiding something, she was sure of it.

"Ah…little Lily just doesn't want to admit her secret love for James Potter and the snogging sessions they've been arranging."

Lily's eyebrows flew up and she had to use all of her self-control to keep the color from her face. It wasn't as if Marlene's guess was true…just uncannily close.

"What? Lily and James are having snogging sessions?" Alice asked as she slid over to take James's now vacant seat. "Why didn't anyone ever tell me?"

Lily let out a frustrated sigh and yanked on a strand of hair.

"James and I are _not_ having snogging sessions! He and I are _nothing_!" That was true at least. They weren't having sessions, plural, only the one time in the Astronomy Tower. The kiss at the Valentine's Ball didn't count, for that was practically a molestation in Lily's opinion.

"Say that a couple more times and maybe you'll believe it, Lily," Marlene said snarkily, smirking at Lily before returning to her kidney and steak pie.

_Sorry for the lateness on this one, everybody. I was on vacation (hot sun...a tan...nice!) and fell behind. However, the next chapter should be coming out this coming weekend, following the normal schedule. Thanks for the reviews, those of you who have written them, and for those who haven't...please do so. I'd love to hear what you think. Comments, suggestions, anything, let me know -- Rochelle_


	6. Walks and Talks

Lily leaned against a wall in the Gryffindor common room, trying not to look like she was waiting for anybody. Nervously she smoothed down her skirt. Since classes were done for the day she had changed out of her uniform and into a short skirt and a fitted sweater. She held a cloak in her arms for she knew the weather would most likely be chilly.

James sidled down the stairs from the boys' dormitory looking like his normal cocky self. Kids from the younger years jumped out of his path and watched him adoringly. Girls stared at him with longing in their eyes, and boys of all ages looked at him with a mixture of envy and hatred.

As he made his way towards Lily their eyes all fell on her. She flushed a bright shade of crimson.

"Do you always have to put on such a show?" she hissed in embarrassment.

"What do you mean?" he asked innocently. He appeared to have no inkling of what she was talking about.

"Never mind, let's go!" Lily just wanted to get out of the room, out of everybody's eyesight. She knew that as soon as they had the chance all the girls in the room would be running back to their friends and reporting on the new developments in the Lily and James romance.

"Lily Evans is going out with James Potter," they'd whisper in excitement. Or maybe Lily was just overreacting. Either way, she wanted to get the whole walk over with.

"Eager to get me alone, aren't you?" James asked with a wink.

"James, could you put your arrogant side away for even a moment? It's really irritating," Lily said in exasperation. James immediately looked apologetic.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to act arrogant. I was just teasing you."

"I don't like to be teased, James. At least not that kind of teasing," Lily replied. She quickly followed him out the portrait hole and then out of the castle door.

When they stepped outside Lily took a deep breath of the crisp air. It felt cleansing and cool.

"It's dark outside," James commented. "Are you sure that you dare to let it be known that you were alone with me in the dark?" he added somewhat sarcastically.

"I'm sure my reputation can handle it," Lily answered. "As long as I don't come back looking like…" she trailed off in embarrassment.

"Looking like you were just thoroughly shagged?" James finished for her. Lily nodded.

"Don't worry," he said. "I'm being a good boy, remember? No kissing even."

"Remember that," Lily warned him.

"How can I forget?" James asked. "You remind me of it anytime I come near." The bitterness in his voice was clearly evident.

"James, don't," Lily pleaded.

"Don't what?"

"Don't make me feel guilty for the decision I made. No matter who it is, I don't jump into a sexual relationship with people right away. I like to get to know people first. And that includes you. The 'no-kissing' thing isn't because I dislike you in any way. It's simply that I want us to be friends first," Lily answered.

James sighed. "In my head I know you're right to feel the way you do, Lily. I just feel so completely different. I feel as if I already know who you are and that you're a wonderful person."

"But how do you know that, James?" Lily challenged. "Are you sure I'm who you think I am?"

"I've watched you with your friends," James retorted. "I've lived in the same building as you for the past six years. How could I be mistaken?"

"People aren't always who they seem to be. I'm not saying that I have deep, dark secrets, but I may not be the same girl you see. Deep down, there may be a very different Lily…"

James thought for a moment before answering. "I get your point. I won't say any more about it. C'mon, let's keep moving, it's getting cold," he urged. They walked around the shadowy waters of the lake talking quietly. Halfway around the lake Lily started to shiver uncontrollably.

"What's wrong?" James asked immediately. Lily managed to say while her teeth knocked together in a ferocious clatter.

"What are you wearing under that cloak?" James asked with a frown on his face.

"A skirt…and a sweater…" Lily chattered.

"You're insane. It's not even spring yet. It's still February, for God's sake!" James cried in disbelief. He shrugged out of his own cloak and wrapped it around Lily's shoulders.

As good as the warmth of it felt on Lily, she knew that James was going to freeze solid without a cloak.

"No, I can't…take it…. You wear…it," she said, trying to take off the cloak.

"No!" James insisted.

"Here, then…we'll go like…this," Lily said. She lifted one side of the cloak up and wrapped it around James. The two of them had to walk nearly on top of each other to fit under the cloak. The closeness of their bodies provided a lot of shared body heat though, and it was even warmer than Lily simply wearing two cloaks.

"You sure?" James asked.

"I'm sure," Lily answered firmly. He wrapped an arm around her waist to keep her close to him and she did the same to him. They slowly made their way back to the castle, remaining intertwined the entire time.

"Thank you," Lily said to James as they stood in front of the castle doors.

"For what?"

"For sharing your cloak with me."

James shook his head. "It wasn't anything. I couldn't sit there and let you freeze, could I? Then I'd only have an ice cube to snuggle with on the way back…not nearly as nice as you," he teased.

Lily smiled and shook her head. "You're impossible, James Potter. I don't know what I'm going to do with you." Then she hugged him quickly and sighed.

"It's nearly nine thirty. I have prefect duty, so I have to leave. I'll see you tomorrow morning at breakfast," she said before opening the castle doors and entering. James didn't even realize that she had taken his cloak with her until she was already out of sight.

He only laughed. Her roommates would have a fun time figuring out what it meant when Lily showed up wrapped in James's cloak along with her own.

As soon as Lily got into Gryffindor tower she realized that she still had James's cloak wrapped around her. She quickly took it off and draped it over her arm. She didn't have time to give it to him before prefect duty, so she would just have to leave it in her room for the night. She sighed and quickly made her way up to her dormitory.

After dropping the cloak off on her bed and changing clothes quickly, Lily ran back down the stairs to find Remus.

"Thanks for covering for me last time," Lily said as they started their walking.

"It was no problem," Remus said. "You had that test to study for, and I don't mind walking alone. I'll just remind you of that if I ever need a night off…"

"I owe you one," Lily agreed with a laugh. She ran her fingers through her long red hair and shivered.

"Are you cold?" Remus asked, "Where were you?"

"I was outside," Lily said. Remus raised his eyebrows questioningly. "On a walk," she added.

"Ah…is this the same walk that James was on?" Remus asked with a small smile on his face. Lily blushed bright red.

"Err…yes, I believe so," she admitted. "It was just as friends though," she clarified hurriedly.

"Sure…isn't that what they all say?" Remus winked at her.

"You can ask James if you want to, but we are simply friends!" Lily protested.

"Oh, I'll be sure to ask James, all right," Remus promised. His light blue eyes sparkled with good humor.

"Remus!" Lily groaned. "You are exasperating. How did I ever end up having prefect duty with you?"

"Well…it might be the fact that we are the only sixth year Gryffindor prefects," Remus said seriously. "But it could be worse…you could be with _Snape_."

Lily sighed in mock resignation. "I guess I should be happy that I'm with you then."

"Damn right," Remus agreed. Lily shoved him playfully and they laughed.

"So…if you get to tease me about James, do I get to tease you about Dorcas?" Lily asked.

"Dorcas?" Remus asked in surprise.

"The other night she came into our room all smiles…which she hasn't been ever since her grandmother was killed…and all she would say was some nonsense about you."

Remus's cheeks took on a slightly pink hue. "What did she say?"

"We couldn't tell because it was mostly murmurings. We tried to figure out what she was saying, but she was too busy scribbling away. We thought maybe she was writing a love letter to you," Lily teased.

"A love letter? To me?" Remus snorted. "She may have been writing a letter, but it wasn't to me. It was to her parents. She was trying to persuade them that she should go home for her grandmother's funeral."

"So that was why she left the next day. Whatever she wrote must have finally convinced them," Lily mused. "They seemed pretty adamant about her staying here. So what did you have to do with it?"

"I came across her sitting in the hall during prefect duty. She was in a bad state and I tried to comfort her. We talked for awhile and then she left to write to her parents," Remus explained.

"Such a gentleman," Lily said as she poked him in the side. "How did you ever end up with Sirius and James? They're complete opposites of you."

"Don't underestimate James, Lily. He's a good guy. Occasionally he forgets to use his common sense, but he always means well," Remus said in defense of his friend.

"He means well while he dates nearly every girl at Hogwarts and then breaks every one of their hearts?" Lily challenged.

"I'm not going to try and justify what he's done in the past, but if you look at how he's acted recently, he hasn't been like that. He's different, Lily. I don't know what it is, but he's changed up in the last month."

Lily sighed. "Whatever, Remus. I don't mean to badmouth your friends. I simply don't understand them."

"Then why don't you start trying to?" he asked quietly. Lily looked at him sharply and didn't say anything. They spent the rest of their patrol in silence.

* * *

Lily crawled sleepily into her big warm four-poster bed. Patrol with Remus had lasted for what seemed like eons and all she could think about now was going to sleep.

She snuggled down under her soft fluffy comforters and wrapped them tightly around her. One of them held a foreign scent; slightly like spice. As a matter of fact, she thought it almost smelled like somebody she knew.

Too tired to try and figure out whom it reminded her of, she simply wrapped it around her even tighter, closed her eyes, and fell fast asleep.

* * *

The next morning, though, things weren't quite so peaceful.

"Well, well, look what we have here. Lily asleep in her bed snuggled in a Gryffindor cloak," Marlene observed.

"And it's not her own, because hers is hanging on her cloak hook," Dorcas added, a smile on her face.

"I wonder whose it could be then?" Alice asked innocuously. All three burst into giggles, and Emmeline who was stretched out across her bed joined them.

Lily woke up with a start, sitting up faster than a lightning bolt.

"Wha…what's happening?" she asked sleepily.

"Oh, nothing," Alice answered. "We're just trying to figure out whose cloak you're sleeping in." Lily's eyes flew wide open and she looked frantically down.

"Oh my god," she whispered. "This is…umm, I don't know who's it is," she offered weakly. They all smirked at her.

"Well, in that case, we'll need to figure it out." Marlene quickly snaked a hand out towards Lily and grabbed the cloak. She found the label and read the writing on it.

"J. Potter," she exclaimed triumphantly. _Damn that James Potter, why does he need to write his name on his cloak anyway? _Lily thought.

"Uh…Joe Potter?" she suggested weakly. They all burst out laughing.

"Admit it, girl. You're busted."

"I wasn't doing anything with him!" Lily cried. "I don't know why I have his cloak, but you four should all just…just…" she couldn't think of anything after that, so she simply picked up the cloak and stormed out of the room.

"Here's your cloak, James," Lily said coolly as she handed him his cloak. He was sitting down at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. "I seem to have…forgotten to return it to you."

"No problem," he answered with a twinkle in his eye. "I hope you enjoyed it."

Lily felt her cheeks flush and she glared at him. "James Potter, you are unbearable!" she snapped. She quickly turned and walked away.

"You know mate, you might actually have a chance with Lily…" Sirius started to say.

"You think so?" James asked eagerly. "I thought so myself…"

"If you would stop saying such stupid stuff to her all the time," Sirius finished. James deflated like a popped balloon.

"What stupid stuff?" he asked innocently.

"Whenever you make suggestive little comments like that it gets her even angrier with you. If you could just keep your hormones and your dirty little mind under control you'd be a lot better off."

"I do not have a dirty mind!" James cried indignantly.

"Of course you do," Sirius replied. "What normal seventeen year old male doesn't have a dirty mind?" He wiggled his eyebrows at James. James thumped him across the back.

"I'll have you know that my mind is a sharp, intelligent, witty and refined. There is nothing dirty about it," James said in a mock-prim voice as he looked down his nose at Sirius.

"Ha ha, that was a good one, Prongs," Sirius answered sarcastically. They both started laughing. James quickly sobered up as a worried expression came upon his face.

"Do you really think she thinks I have a dirty mind?"

"I _know_ she thinks it!" Sirius cried in delight. He loved watching James suffer.

"Then I'm going to change that, starting now," James vowed. He jumped out of his seat and walked determinedly away from the table.

_Hey everyone…I'm on time this week! Please, let me know what you think of My Immortal. What works, what doesn't work, any suggestions…anything. Reviews are wonderful… Also, I have a question for everyone. I just realized that the spacing that I use when I write doesn't carry through when I publish the chapters on This makes it so I have nothing to indicate a change in time or scene. Is this confusing to you? Should I go back and insert breaks into my chapters? Or are you following My Immortal fine without markings to indicate shifts? Please let me know - Rochelle_


	7. Dirty Little Secrets

Lily firmly shoved Michael's hand back to where it belonged. It had developed a nasty habit of sliding up her skirt.

"Aww…Lily," he groaned.

"Michael, I told you, I'm not doing that with you," she hissed. "So keep your hands out of my skirt and we'll both be happy."

"I won't be," he grumbled.

"Yes, you will be. Because otherwise I'll hex you to Jupiter, and that wouldn't be very fun for you," Lily replied.

"Fine, fine," Michael acquiesced. He ran a hand through his floppy blonde hair. "I'm sorry," he added more softly. "I just…get carried away sometimes, you know?"

"I know," Lily said dryly. She smiled at him to take the bite out of her words. She didn't really care extremely for Michael Penn, but he was a nice guy, and a good kisser. The fact that he was a Ravenclaw, hence intelligent, didn't hurt. In Lily's opinion he was definitely a good snogging partner.

"Let's start over," he suggested. "And this time I'll keep my hands to myself."

"Well, they don't have to be kept _all_ to yourself," Lily replied coyly. "Just keep them…out of my clothing."

Michael winked at her. Lily loved his light brown eyes; they were such a light shade that it was hard to believe it was his natural color. Plus, they were totally different than James' eyes, which was a definite bonus.

"Fine with me," he answered. He leaned in again to kiss her, placing his hands on her back, fiddling with her hair. She smiled into his mouth. He was a quick learner, she didn't mind being touched, as long as it was appropriate. Now, as long as nobody caught them in the Astronomy Tower, the rest of the night was looking good.

* * *

"Lily, where did you come from?" James exclaimed in surprise as he nearly tripped over her. Lily felt her already flushed cheeks turn even redder. She was just sneaking back from her little meeting with Michael and she had nearly plowed James over while turning a corner.

"I could ask you the same thing," she finally answered.

"But I asked first," James replied cheekily. Lily sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Fine, I'll tell you. I was having trouble sleeping so I thought a quick walk would get rid of my jitters," she explained.

James smirked.

"What?" Lily asked defensively.

"Figures. I thought finally I had caught you doing something secretive and exciting, and you're just taking a little walk." James sighed. "You do realize that you need to lighten up at some point in your life, right? Because otherwise you're going to explode."

Lily struggled to hide her own smirk. James thought he could read her like a book, but in truth he knew hardly anything about her.

"Don't worry, James," she answered. "I think I have plenty of good stress relievers."

"Such as…"

"Such as things that you don't need to know about," Lily replied snootily.

"I take it back…I have found out something secretive about Lily Evans. Tell me!" James urged playfully.

"If I told you it wouldn't be a secret, would it?"

"Secrets don't make friends," James pouted.

"Who said I wanted you to be my friend?"

"I'm hurt, Lily. I thought we already were friends."

"Do you always take everything I say so seriously?" Lily cried in exasperation. "Everything I say, you take offense at. You never get my sarcasm. You must be incredibly dim witted."

"Hey! You happen to be speaking to the master of Transfiguration," James shot back indignantly. "I noticed today in class that you seemed to be having a little trouble turning that rabbit into a chair. I mastered it on the first try!"

"Well good for you. For your information, I was not having trouble, I simply sneezed in the middle of the incantation and turned the rabbit into a pack of rats instead," Lily answered defiantly.

A new voice suddenly interrupted their heated argument. "I think both of you are going to be having a little trouble in Transfigurations if you don't stop this right now!" The two of them spun around to see Professor McGonagall glaring down at them.

"It is past curfew, you two! What are you doing in the hallways at this time of night?" Both of them started to open their mouths to explain but she interrupted them again. "Don't bother. I can see what you're doing quite clearly. You're fighting, quite loudly I might add, and waking up poor teachers who need their sleep!" Professor McGonagall scowled angrily at them.

"Detention for both of you, with Filch, for the next two nights. He'll be looking for you at seven tomorrow night. Now go to bed." She stalked off in the same direction that she had come from.

Lily turned on James irritably. "Now look at what you've done, you've gotten me a detention."

"Look at what I've done? You were the one calling me stupid!"

"I didn't call you stu…

"I told you two to GO TO BED!" an exasperated voice called from the other end of the hallway.

* * *

The next night Lily and James arrived at Filch's door promptly at seven. Just as she was about to knock, Lily looked over at James and scowled.

"You know, if I hadn't run into you, I wouldn't be here today."

"But if you hadn't run into me you wouldn't have won the privilege of my company for two nights," James answered innocently.

"The privilege of your company? That's what you think this is?" Lily snorted. "I hate to break it to you James, but this is detention, not social hour."

"Think of it as what you like, you pessimist," James said dismissively. "I prefer to think of the goblet being half full, and detentions being social events."

"You are so strange, James," Lily replied, knocking on the door. Filch flung it open and glared at them.

"Ah, you awful children," he muttered. "Always getting into trouble and wasting my time. Come along now, I have work for you to do." He quickly walked off, leaving James and Lily to follow. They followed him down one hallway, around a corner, up a flight of stairs, around another corner until they reached a room neither had seen before.

"This," Filch pronounced, "is the laundry room. The laundry houselves have come down with an illness, and you will be washing the castle's clothes tonight."

"That shouldn't be too hard," Lily started to say.

"By hand," Filch added with a nasty grin.

"What?" James exploded. "That's ridiculous! You mean I'm supposed to take other people's grubby clothes and scrub it with my hands? You must be out of your mind!"

"Potter, unless you want another detention, I suggest you shut your trap," Filch growled. James quickly quieted down, glaring hotly at the floor.

"You can leave at midnight," Filch proclaimed as he walked out of the room.

"This is disgusting," Lily said as she held up a particularly dirty piece of underwear. "I can't believe I have to do this. For five hours."

"Tell me about it," James answered. "I'm getting lightheaded from the fumes of this place."

"Filch said we had to wash the clothes by hand, but he didn't say anything about other magic use, did he?" Lily cried eagerly. She muttered a few words under her breath and suddenly a pleasant tropical smell filled the room.

"There, now at least it smells a little better." She muttered another spell, and music began to play.

"Where did you learn these charms?" James asked curiously.

"Oh…you know, I just picked them up," Lily answered nonchalantly. "I don't really remember where."

"I'm not so hot at charms," James admitted. It hurt his ego to say that he wasn't the best at anything, but it was true. Transfiguration was his strength, and somehow, charms had never came naturally to him.

"Really? I can't believe you'd admit that you're less than the best at anything," Lily replied, repeating his thoughts.

James shrugged. "Believe it, because I just did."

"Well, if you ever need any help, just ask," Lily offered. "Charms happen to be my forte."

"I'll probably end up doing that," James answered. "Sirius is intelligent, but he's best at Defense. Peter…well, Peter isn't the best at anything. And Remus is too smart for his own good; he's always tutoring students. I hate to ask him for help."

"Can I count on you for help in Transfigurations, if I happen to need it?" Lily asked.

"Anytime, Lily," he answered. She smiled at him and turned back to her pile of laundry.

Around 10:30 James poked Lily in the shoulder.

"What?" Lily jumped; jolted out of her thoughts. They had been scrubbing silently for the past half an hour.

"Wanna dance?" he asked, grinning at her.

"Right now?"

"Why not? I like this song," he said, referring to the music that was playing. "Besides, I owe you one, for leaving you on the dance floor at the Valentine's Ball.

Lily was too startled by the invitation to protest as he grabbed her arms. Should she tell him to bugger off or give in just this once?

"Well, alright," Lily answered reluctantly, although he already had her in his arms. She felt slightly silly dancing with James Potter in the laundry room, but she did need a break from scrubbing, she reasoned. It was only in fun, wasn't it?

He pulled her close, and she slowly placed a hand on his shoulder. They spun around the room until she was dizzy and breathless. Then they simply swayed back and forth, and her head fell onto his shoulder.

Lily was surprised to feel how well her head seemed to fit, as if his shoulder was molded just for that purpose. He felt strong, yet soft, and Lily felt as if she could stay there forever.

That feeling made her jump back from him. It definitely wasn't a safe thing to feel about James.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you about getting me detention," Lily offered, looking up at him shyly.

"Forgiven," he said huskily. He couldn't believe that Lily was letting him get this close to her.

"Friends?" she asked.

"Friends," he agreed. He sighed inwardly, knowing that he wanted so much more, but Lily wasn't willing to give him that.

She hugged him impulsively, and then quickly stepped back. Blushing almost imperceptibly, she went back to her laundry pile.

* * *

"Where were you last night, Lily?" Alice asked slyly.

"Detention," Lily replied with a sigh.

"You? Detention?" Alice looked horrified. "I don't believe it."

Lily scowled. "Believe it. I had to spend five hours hand washing people's clothes, and I have to do it again tonight."

"Eww…" Alice exclaimed. "What did you do?"

"McGonagall caught me and James fighting in the halls after curfew. I think we woke her up or something." Alice wiggled her eyebrows at Lily.

"Alice! What part of _fighting_ don't you understand? There was positively nothing romantic about it!" Lily cried in frustrations. Just once she'd like for people to stop teasing her about James. It wasn't her fault he liked her.

"Good, because guys are scum," a disgusted voice interjected. Lily turned to see Marlene sniffling on her bed.

"What's wrong?" she automatically asked.

"I just saw Sirius snogging another girl in the library," she answered. Lily walked over to Marlene and hugged her.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Don't worry, I'll get over it," Marlene sighed. "I know that Sirius is a player, so I should have expected it. I just thought that maybe, just maybe, I could be the one…you know?"

"I know," Lily said softly. "It'll be okay, it's his loss."

"But I'm the one who's left all on my own," Marlene replied bitterly. Lily gently pulled Marlene's head down onto her shoulder so the trembling girl was cradled against Lily's body.

"You're not left alone, you have me, and the other girls," Lily reminded her, rubbing a hand soothingly over Marlene's back. Alice quickly agreed, moving over to comfort Marlene as well.

"I know," Marlene whispered. Just when it sounded as if she were about to burst into a fresh flood of tears, she wiped her eyes and jumped off the bed, disentangling herself from Lily's arms.

"Sorry for being such a downer," she said in a forced peppy voice. "I shouldn't let him get to me. I'm going to go…um, down to the common room, and try to take my mind off this."

"Good plan," Alice said. "I'll go down there with you. I want to find Frank," she added bashfully. She blushed. Ever since the Valentine's Ball, the two had been going out, and Alice was incredibly shy about it.

The two girls left, leaving Lily by herself on Marlene's bed. Shortly after, Dorcas bounced through the doorway.

"Dorcas!" Lily exclaimed, jumping up to greet her friend. "I haven't seen you in ages, how are you?"

"I just got back from home," Dorcas said breathlessly. "I'm better now."

"Tell me the whole story," Lily invited. They sat down on the floor and Dorcas began to talk.

"Well, after I convinced my parents to let me come home, I hopped onto a train going to Kings Cross station. We went home and had this major bawling session, and it felt so…relieving, you know? I needed to get all those feelings off my chest.

"Then, we went to my grandmother's house, and I picked out a few mementos. I think I needed to really see that she was gone. It helped, a lot.

"The rest of the time it was all family time. My family, and all my cousins, we were together for the rest of my stay there. We'd talk about my grandmother, our memories, everything. It was so fun. I mean, I was incredibly sad and angry about my grandmother's death, but it felt so good to do all that.

Lily nodded. Dorcas looked a million times better than she had before she left.

"And I owe it all to Remus!" she added excitedly. "I have to go find him, and tell him thanks!" She jumped up and headed for the door.

"Thanks Lily, I missed you while I was gone," she said over her shoulder. Lily smiled and shook her head. Dorcas was _definitely_ a lot better than before.

* * *

The next night at seven Lily and James found themselves washing laundry once again. After performing the same charms as she had the night before, Lily plunged her hands into the laundry basin and started scrubbing.

"Are you coming to the Quidditch match tomorrow?" James asked, turning his head to look at her.

"Maybe," Lily answered. "I'm not sure."

"Maybe?" James repeated in horror. "It's the second last match of the year. How can you not come?"

"Maybe I'll have better things to do," Lily suggested teasingly.

"You would willingly miss the chance to see me play?"

"I would definitely miss the chore of seeing you showing off once again," Lily replied dryly.

"Lily! I'm hurt!" James cried in half fake, half real pain. Lily turned to look at him and saw the look on his face.

"Sorry," she grumbled. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"Apology accepted. Because when I'm flying, it's nothing like showing off. I feel so…free. None of the stuff about school, dark wizards, and Voldemort seems to matter anymore. It's just…me on my broomstick. I don't think, I simply feel. It's a complete…physical rush." James's cheeks flushed as he realized that he had just confessed to Lily his true feelings, something he rarely did to anybody.

Lily looked at him with a mixture of awe and surprise on her face. She hadn't realized that James felt so deeply about Quidditch…or anything for that matter.

"Wow. Looks like I'm going to that Quidditch match tomorrow."

"You're coming?" James asked in delight.

"How can I not? You just convinced me," Lily answered. James grinned at her and did a little victory dance. She laughed and slugged him on the shoulder. Sometimes he really amazed her, proving everything she had once thought about him completely wrong.

They spent the rest of the detention in comfortable companionship, talking, laughing and joking. As Lily walked up the stairs to her dormitory she found herself marveling at how James had changed. He had gone from a total arrogant jerk to a sweet, funny, cute…

She stopped abruptly when she heard herself think the "c" word. _James Potter is NOT cute, _she thought furiously. _Never, ever, use that word to describe him again!_

Lily sighed and stepped into her dorm room. She must be suffering from lack of sleep; that was the only reasonable explanation.

_Hey everyone! This chapter as you can see, I experimented with using line breaks to break up changes in setting and time. Not very many of you responded to my question of whether or not my timeline was difficult to follow…except Janine (thanks Janine!), so I'll put it out there again. Is it easier to follow with line breaks like I inserted in this chapter, or do you prefer it as the first chapters were written? Please review and let me know. As always, thanks to my awesome beta Sierra. Until next week - Rochelle._

**edit – I've gone back and inserted line breaks into all of my chapters. It made more sense to me that way!**


	8. All in Fun

Lily watched in excitement as the Quidditch players flew complicated maneuvers around the field. The whole crowd was jittery because not only was it the last game of the year, it was also against Ravenclaw, Gryffindor's toughest opponent. As of the moment, the score was tied 120-120.

Alice elbowed her in the side.

"What?" Lily asked, turning her attention away from the game.

"I meant to ask you before, but I forgot. What exactly are you doing here?" Alice looked at Lily with a suspicious twinkle in her eye.

"Watching my house play Quidditch," Lily answered nonchalantly. She started to turn back to the game.

"Not so fast," Alice laughed. "You've come to about two matches in your entire life; both under coercion. I think there is another factor playing a part."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Lily said defensively. "I've been to more than that!"

"No, I distinctly remember," Alice said thoughtfully. "The first time was when you were dating Sirius, and then the second time was when you were dating Sebastian Malfoy."

"I never dated Sebastian!"

"Fine, when you and Sebastian were secretly snogging buddies," Alice amended, smirking. "Never knew what you saw in that slimy Slytherin…"

"He was a good kisser, I'll have you know." Lily crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her bright green eyes at the amused Alice.

"I'll keep that in mind," Alice said seriously. "I'll recommend Frank ask Sebastian what his secret is." Her lips quivered slightly, giving herself away.

Lily swatted her before attempting to focus back on the action.

"So…about today's startling attendance… Would it have anything to do with a certain…Chaser?" Alice asked suggestively.

Lily sighed. "You guessed it. Watching Sirius Black really turns me on."

Alice glared at her. "You know that's not who I meant!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, did you mean Sarah Prewett then? Alice, I thought you knew I don't swing that way. I'm hurt," Lily answered.

"Lily…" Alice growled threateningly. "I am going to tickle you until you give me a serious answer." She dove for Lily's side and started tickling. Lily, who was extremely ticklish, shrieked with laugher, drawing the attention of nearby spectators. Some glared at her for disrupting the game, but most just laughed as they saw their dignified prefect become not so dignified.

"I am serious!" Lily screeched. "I came to…hee hee…watch - stop that - the match…ahh!...because I felt like it!" Alice, who was not convinced, kept tickling. After a little while longer Lily couldn't stand it anymore. She couldn't breathe because she was laughing so hard.

"Okay, okay. Stop it! I'll confess!" she begged. Alice stopped and sat back with her arms crossed in satisfaction.

"Fine, if you must know, James asked me to come watch him. But that's not the reason I came; I thought it would be good to show support for my own team," Lily answered huffily.

"Sure, sure," Alice replied slyly. "I believe you…because before, I didn't see you checking James out or anything …"

Lily flushed a deep shade of angry and embarrassed red. "I was not checking James out! I was watching the game, and I can't help if he gets the most action out of everyone. Obviously I'm going to be watching him, if that's where the excitement is."

"So you think he's a brilliant player than?"

"Yes…no!" Lily yelped. "James is too much of a prat as it is. He doesn't need me thinking of him as a brilliant Quidditch player."

Alice winked at her. "Maybe he doesn't need your admiration, but that doesn't mean he doesn't get it."

Lily poked her hard and turned back to the game. She was sick of being teased about James. When were people going to get it through their thick heads that she didn't like him in the slightest?

"Potter scores, the score is 130-120, in Gryffindor's favor!" Dorcas cried into the microphone. She didn't typically announce for the games, but she had been asked to fill in today.

"And Potter scores again…watch out for those beaters, James, they're looking pretty angry!" Dorcas called out in warning. James grinned at her and ran a hand though his hair. He would be all right.

James noticed Lily sitting high up in the Gryffindor section. He waved at her. She glared at him and looked away. He snickered; he knew why she was here, even if she didn't want anyone else to know. Seeing her motivated him even more. He made scored five more times in the next ten minutes. The Ravenclaw team was furious. They had expected to stomp Gryffindor, and James Potter was making them look like a little-league team.

"And Longbottom catches the snitch!" Dorcas called into the microphone. The Gryffindor fans burst into cheers as Frank took a victory lap around the field. As they watched him, the livid Ravenclaw beaters belted the bludgers straight towards one of the other players' heads. James's head…

"James! Watch out!" cried the audience. He turned in time to see the bludgers flying at him, but too late to move. A bludger hit him on each side of the head, and he began to wobble on his broom. As if in slow motion he slid off of his broom and plummeted nearly fifty feet to the ground.

"Oh my God," Lily whispered. She watched as his teammates flew to the ground next to him. He was immediately lifted onto a stretcher and hurried inside the castle. The ground where he had fallen was red with his blood.

"What dirty, rotten scumbags," Alice hissed. "They did that on purpose."

The two beaters were receiving a chewing out by Madame Hooch, Professor McGonagall, Frank, Gryffindor's captain, and surprisingly, Michael Penn, the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain.

"You will be disqualified from all future games…"

"You both have earned yourselves detention for a month, not to mention 50 points from…"

"…no matter how mad at Gryffindor you are, you act like a good sport at all times…"

"Are you bloody mad? Trying to kill my players, you bloody numbskulls?"

The two boys looked at each other with expressions of satisfaction and a slight bit of guilt, mixed with outrage at the reactions of the authority figures.

"You can't disqualify us, Hooch!" one cried.

"Detention for a month? It was an accident!" the other yelled at McGonagall.

Hooch, McGonagall, Frank and Michael gave the beaters equally harsh death glares.

"We will do whatever we see fit," the two adults said.

"And if they wouldn't have done it, I would have," Michael added. "I won't have murderous players on my team. The game was ended for God's sake! He wasn't even aware of any danger! You could have killed him!"

"And that's not even determined yet," McGonagall sniffed. "James might be dead already." She glared once more at the two boys. "I am going to find out right now," she informed them. She turned on her heel and nearly ran towards the castle.

* * *

Lily crept into the hospital wing as silently as she knew how. She didn't want anyone to know she was there. It was past midnight and she was positive that she would be the only one in there, besides James of course.

After spotting his bed, she pulled up a chair and sat down next to him.

"James…" she whispered. "What did you do to yourself?"

"I don't think it was really James who did it," a voice said from behind her.

"Remus!" Lily yelped. Then she quickly covered her mouth.

"Sorry. Where did you come from?" she asked in a whisper.

"I was here the whole time," Remus answered. "We've been taking turns monitoring him. I got the midnight shift."

"We?" Lily frowned.

"Sirius, Peter, and I," he explained.

"Oh," Lily answered. "I should have known that." Then she blushed. If Remus knew she was in here visiting James, he would tell James, and then Lily would really be in trouble.

"I won't tell James you're here, if that's what you're thinking," Remus said suddenly.

Lily smiled at him gratefully. "Thank you. I…I'm not really sure why I'm here. I just…I felt as if I should come…it's all my fault, you know?" She stared at the floor instead of meeting Remus's eyes.

"It's not your fault," Remus disagreed. "You didn't hit the bludgers at him. You simply were there watching."

"I know…" Lily sighed. "I guess I should probably leave. How is he?"

"Don't leave," Remus urged. "He's okay. He got hit pretty hard, but Poppy's a genius at this healing stuff. She said it should only be a couple of days until he can leave this place."

Lily nodded her head. She didn't know why she was so worried about James, but she was. She looked at his sleeping form. His head was completely swathed in bandages. Only his eyes, nose, and mouth were uncovered. Blood showed on the edges of the white gauze.

Lily felt the strangest urge to touch his hand. She quickly shook it off. She shouldn't be getting urges like that, especially with Remus in the room. Instead she sat primly in her chair, staring at the stone wall across the room from her.

Remus bit his lip to keep from laughing out loud. Watching Lily was pretty funny. She would look at James with an expression somewhat like longing in her eyes, then her hand would twitch as if she were going to touch him, then she would blush and sit quietly back in her chair. Remus could clearly see the attraction that Lily was fighting, but he knew she would just sit there like that for as long as he was watching.

He began to yawn loudly. Over and over again. Lily looked at him with a strange expression on her face. In order to make it more convincing he slumped a little against the wall he was standing by and wiped his eyes.

"You know," she said finally, "if you're really tired, you can go. I have some work to do, so I wasn't planning on going to bed anyway." She held up her bag as proof. "I can do it here just as well as back in my room."

Remus faked a look of relief. "That'd be great!" he exclaimed. "I'm exhausted, but I didn't want to leave James alone. If you really don't mind…"

"It'll be okay," Lily said, and she blushed again. She didn't know what on earth she was doing, but it was too late to back out now. Remus quickly left the room and she found herself alone with James.

"Now what am I supposed to do?" she asked him. "I get to sit here all night making sure you don't suddenly croak on me? If anyone ever finds out about this, I'm screwed. They'll all think I like you or something. And I do not, no matter what they say!

"I'm just here because…because …okay, I don't really know why I'm here. I just started…walking here all of a sudden, and now…now I'm stuck here with you."

Lily sighed. "Why am I even talking to you? You can't hear me. You can't answer back. Thank goodness for that, because if YOU knew I was here, then I'd really be in for it. You'd think that meant I had finally professed my undying love to you." Lily glared at him. "And I am NOT doing that any time soon!"

With that, she stopped talking to him and turned to her Transfiguration essay. It was long and complicated, and Lily was having a hard time concentrating. Maybe working at one in the morning wasn't such a great idea after all.

She slowly began to drift off to sleep without even realizing it. Her dreams were filled with images of James falling from his broom…over and over and over…and Lily screaming his name.

"James!" she called. She heard a snicker from behind her, and she sat straight up. She looked around wide-eyed and realized that she had fallen asleep in the room with James. During the night she had somehow slumped over so she was lying across his chest.

Now, early in the morning, she found Sirius standing next to her laughing. She felt her face heat up in incredible embarrassment.

"Oh my god," she whispered. "Sirius, if you tell anyone…I'll tell everyone that you sleep in those cute little fireman pajamas!"

"You wouldn't!" he protested, his eyes wide and alarmed.

"Don't bet on it," she smirked. Sirius continued to look horrified by the prospect of the embarrassing truth being revealed. Lily turned and left the room. She could still hear him mumbling in protest from halfway down the corridor.

"Hey, Lily, where were you last night?" Marlene asked as Lily sat down at the breakfast table.

"Fell asleep in the library," Lily lied. "I was working on the stupid Transfigurations essay and I was so exhausted I just collapsed." The girls nodded and appeared to accept her explanation. Lily smiled gratefully and began to shovel food into her mouth. If she was eating they couldn't make her talk.

She was strangely restless throughout all of her classes. She couldn't concentrate, she couldn't think, and when the professors called on her during classes she couldn't come up with an answer. The professors all pondered on the source of her distraction, but none could figure it out…except for wise old Dumbledore; the only one who knew where Lily really was the previous night. In Hogwarts it was always safe to assume that the walls had ears…and that they all reported directly back to the headmaster himself.

Lily sat at her desk in her room, glaring angrily at her Transfiguration essay. It was due in two days, and she had hardly even started it. Every time she tried to work on it she found that she simply could not absorb the material that she had read from her schoolbook. Whether it was her own stupidity or her state of distraction, she wasn't sure. All she knew was that she couldn't stop thinking about James lying in the hospital wing.

Was he okay? If she hadn't been at the match, he wouldn't have shown off for her. If he hadn't been showing off he wouldn't have gotten creamed by the beaters. It really was all her fault. Was he going to hate her when he woke up?

Lily slammed her Transfiguration textbook shut. The other four girls in the room looked up at her in surprise.

"What's wrong, Lily?" Dorcas asked cautiously.

"I can't concentrate in here," she replied crossly. "I'm going to the library."

"It's late," Alice warned her.

"I can see the clock," Lily growled.

"Don't fall asleep in there again," Emmeline called after her. Lily ignored her. They were treating her like a child and it drove her insane. She was perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

She went and sat in the library for a brief period of time so that she wouldn't have actually lied. After she had made an appearance, she snuck back out, and down to the hospital wing. Peter was sitting there with James, and all the lights inside were off.

"Out," she snapped at him. She knew she was acting like a bitch, but she didn't care. She was having extremely mixed up emotions and thoughts, and right now she was acting purely on impulses. Peter whimpered and scurried out of the room.

Lily glanced around to make sure that Madame Pomfrey hadn't seen her sneaking in, or Peter running out. She couldn't hear or see anything, so she was pretty sure she was safe.

She turned her attentions to James.

"What are you doing to me?" she demanded. "All I can think about is you. If you're lying here dead, if you're going to hate me when you wake up, everything! This is not how I normally act! Lily Evans does not constantly think about guys, especially not guys that she doesn't even like!" she cried in frustration.

"You are a prat. I thought you were my friend and then you go and pull this on me. Getting hurt and making me care about you."

Her eyes widened dramatically as she realized what she had said. _I don't care about James, _she hissed at herself.

"Oooh…you make me so angry!" James twitched suddenly and she jumped. He started to tremble, and her maternal instincts immediately kicked in. She did the only thing she could think of.

She grabbed his hand.

Lily held his large strong hand in her own smaller, slender one. She stroked the smooth skin of his palm, feeling the calluses from his broom. She laced her fingers through his, and let their hands fall to the bed. A surprising amount of warmth was passing between their joined hands; Lily tried to tell herself that it was because James was feverish. He stopped trembling, and she smoothed the hair away that was sneaking out of his bandages. It had a habit of falling in his eyes, which bothered her, even if his eyes were closed.

Lily tried to slip her hand from his, but he was now grasping it as hard as he could. Considering he had a lot more muscle than she did, there was no way she could escape. The grip was firm, but it was still gentle, as if he were tightly holding a prized possession.

She sighed, and settled herself down in her chair. It didn't feel like he was going to let go of her anytime soon, so she might as well make herself comfortable.

Once again Lily drifted off to sleep, although this time she managed not to fall on top of James. She woke up when she felt James's hand tighten on hers, than let go. She was alone with him, and he was starting to wake up.

Lily panicked. She jumped out of her chair and ran out of the room. She could hear James start to talk as she ran.

_Hey everyone, I know this chapter was a bit late. I was gone all weekend, and there were a few other factors as well. I'm hoping to get the next chapter up this weekend as planned though. Please, send me a review with suggestions, likes, dislikes, anything – Rochelle_


	9. Rapid Recovery

"Poppy?" he mumbled. The old nurse heard him calling for her and she ran to his bedside.

"James!" she murmured in delight. "How do you feel?"

"Fine," he answered, trying to shake the fuzzy feeling out of his head. "Weren't you just in here?"

"No," she replied. "Why do you ask?"

"I swear that somebody was just in here with me," James said. He frowned in concentration.

"No, you've been alone all night long," she assured him. "I didn't even come and check up on you, because I knew you needed sleep more than anything."

James shook his head. No matter what the nurse said, he knew that somebody had been with him. Now he just had to figure out whom.

"Sirius?" James put his bag down on his bed and walked over to his best friend. Sirius was sleeping at the moment.

Sirius didn't answer. James sat down on Sirius's bed and started to bounce. It was a bad decision; it made his head throb. He stood up dizzily.

"Whoa…" he muttered. He steadied himself and looked down at the bed. Sirius was rolling over, looking up at him.

"Huh?" he asked groggily.

"I take it that you weren't just with me down in the hospital wing?" James asked sarcastically.

"Huh? No…why?"

"Because…somebody was with me last night, and I don't know who it was. Poppy swears I was alone, but I know I wasn't," James explained. Somebody behind him snickered. He turned around to see Remus sitting on his own bed, pushing his sandy hair out of his eyes.

"What?" James asked suspiciously. "Was it you?"

"Wasn't me, Prongs, but I think I know who it was," Remus replied, a smirk on his normally kind face.

"Who?" James demanded. "Whoever it was held my hand the whole night, and it seems kinda weird if it was one of you guys."

Peter, now awake, started to bounce on his bed. "I know who it was!" he said in delight. It wasn't often that he knew secrets that James didn't.

"Let me put it this way, Prongs. It wasn't one of us, and she made us swear that we would never tell you it was her," Sirius answered slyly. He winked at James. "Enjoy those two nights while they lasted, they're probably the only you'll ever get with her." James looked at him in disbelief.

"You expect me to believe that it was Lily?" he asked.

"Who?" Sirius asked innocently. "I don't know a thing!"

James felt a huge smile erupt on his face. "I knew she'd come around!" he said cockily. "Who can resist the old Potter charms? Not Lily Evans, that's for sure."

"And with that attitude, you'll really have her begging for more," Remus answered sarcastically.

"Moony, the girl I've been fancying for the past six years has finally fallen for me. Would you please let me celebrate?" James asked in exaggerated patience. Remus laughed and shook his head.

"I was just warning you."

James ignored him. Instead he grabbed Sirius and yanked him out of bed.

"Victory is mine!" he cackled. He pulled Sirius around in a victory dance, spinning around and around the room.

"Whoa, Prongs…calm down," Sirius said warily, pulling away from James. "I know I'm irresistible, but forcing me into crazy tribal dances at seven in the morning is not the way to win me over."

"You're no fun," James grumbled good-naturedly. "Anybody up for some breakfast?" The three other boys all eagerly assented and they started to get dressed. James took extra long shaving and putting on cologne, causing his friends to smirk. Now that James knew, he was going to be irrepressible.

As they started to walk down to the Great Hall, James outlined his strategy for them.

"Okay everyone. I have a plan. First, I smile blandly at Lily when we walk in. She will become nervous, wondering if I know, and if you guys have told me. She will also notice the way I look like a gorgeous yet physically exhausted war hero, back from many days of recovery." He gestured towards his face. "See? Do I not look spectacular, as if I were bravely suffering, while still appearing devastatingly handsome?" He didn't wait for an answer.

"I then spend the rest of the day making cute remarks to her, driving her crazy with lust for me. Then, at the end of the day, I will sweep her off her feet to the Astronomy Tower, where we will profess our undying love for each other. She will agree that all she ever wanted was me, and we will live happily ever after."

Sirius, Peter, and Remus stared at him in disbelief. Then they burst into hysterical laughter.

"Bwaa haa ha haa…"

"Prongs…you have really outdone …(snicker)…yourself!"

"I can't wait to…ha ha… watch this one…"

James glared at them. "I don't see the humor in it," he replied stiffly. He stood there until his friends stopped laughing.

"Sorry, mate," Sirius said as he wiped a tear from his eye. "Those bludgers must have affected you more than ole' Poppy thought. We better bring your right back…"

"I am fine!" James growled.

"Your plan is…entertaining, to say the least," Remus tried to say tactfully.

"I don't see how it's entertaining! It's realistic! It's fate!" James insisted.

"If you say so," Peter said doubtfully.

"I say so," James repeated firmly. His friends looked at him hesitantly. They didn't want James to ruin his chances with Lily, especially once they had found out how much Lily really cared. Yet, James would never listen to them anyway, not once had had made up his mind as to how things would be.

"Okay, whatever you say," Sirius finally said. The four of them started walking once more towards the Great Hall.

When James walked in and he saw Lily he smiled blandly at her. _Step one of the plan is now in motion, _he thought. She warily smiled back at him, but he could tell it was forced. _She's nervous, _he thought_. She's wondering how much I know._

He didn't have time to think about it much longer, because people in the Great Hall started to stand up and clap. Students ran up to him and hugged him, girls kissed him on the cheek, and boys patted his back. It seemed everyone thought him to be a hero and wanted to welcome him back accordingly.

"Tell us the whole story," one girl cooed. Others echoed her thought.

James smiled and ran a hand through his hair. Once again, he was the most wanted man in school. He pondered on how to make the ordeal sound as dangerous and as exciting as possible. After a few moments of thought, James leaned back in his seat and started to tell his harrowing tale to all of his admirers. Then he looked up and saw Lily scowling at him.

_Maybe this is what she means when she said I always have to be showing off, _he thought. He cringed as he realized he was once again fitting into the exact image she had always had of him.

"You know what guys? It wasn't that big of a deal. I got whammed in the head with two bludgers, and now I'm better. End of story," James said abruptly. He turned to his breakfast and began to eat. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Lily with a shocked expression on her face. In front of him, Remus was giving him a discreet thumbs up.

His disappointed fans started to walk away to their respective tables, leaving James alone with his friends.

"You almost blew it, James," Remus whispered. "Good save." James couldn't help feeling a rush of pride. The old James would have given an exaggerated play by play of the incident. And the old James would never have gotten Lily Evans. He smiled. He was going to kiss Lily by the end of the day, he vowed. No big deal.

_Hey everyone, I'm right on time this weekend! Question for everyone: what's been your favorite part of the story so far? Send me a review and let me know. Thanks! – Rochelle (by the way, thanks to iamnotafreakingGOTH for the review, and to Sierra, my awesome beta) _


	10. Pride and Prejudice

Lily quickly left the Great Hall. James confused her in the worst way. First he came in and gave her that…that smile - it was a smile that said absolutely nothing and everything rolled into one. Did he know it was she who had visited him? Had his friends told him? And why had he turned away from all of his admirers like that? She knew she hadn't imagined him looking at her right before doing that.

She sighed. If he knew, life was really going to be difficult.

For the rest of the day Lily avoided James. If he even appeared to be coming towards her, she walked the other way. If he was in the common room, she was in her room. If he was in the Great Hall, she was in the common room. She managed to go through the whole day, classes included, without speaking to him once.

That night though, things changed.

Lily was patrolling the halls for prefect duty. Remus had asked her if she minded splitting up…he said he wanted to see if it would be more effective. Lily had been surprised, because she had always enjoyed talking with him during their rounds, but finally agreed to his idea.

Then she saw James walking towards her in the hallway. He winked at her and she started to panic. Again. She felt as if she were panicking an awful lot lately.

"Lily-love," he called. "You can run, but you can't hide. I happen to know you're doing rounds until eleven…which means you can't hide from me anymore."

Lily glared at him. He fell into step beside her.

"What do you want, Potter?" she asked angrily.

"Tsk, such a harsh tone from a girl who I considered my friend." James sighed. "Would you please tell me what I did to warrant such cruel treatment?"

"You…you prat!" Lily spluttered.

"Yes, I realize that you quite often think of me as a prat. From what I know though, all I've done lately is get conked over the head with two incredibly hard bludgers; is that why you're angry with me?"

Lily nearly snarled in frustration. She was sure James knew she had been with him. Why else would he be acting so cocky? Yet, just in case, she didn't want to blow it. There was still the chance that he didn't know it had been her.

"So, I take it you were pretty worried about me," he said casually. So much for her hopes, he had just gone and dashed them with a wooden club.

"Not at all," she answered coldly. Her hands started to shake. James noticed and he grabbed them.

"Lily, why are you so scared of me?" he asked softly.

"I'm…not…scared of you," she whispered. They had stopped walking by now.

"Then what are you scared of?"

"Nothing," she chattered. By now her teeth were shaking too.

"I don't believe you." James pulled her into an empty classroom. "Talk to me, Lily. I know it was you who was with me the last two nights. You must have cared about me somewhat to stay with me. Why won't you talk to me now?"

Lily burst into tears. He looked at her in astonishment.

"Lily?"

"This is what I'm scared of!" she sobbed. "I hated you! Then you went and got yourself knocked out, and all of a sudden, all I could think about was you! And I'm scared of what I'm feeling," she added.

James wrapped his arms around her. "Does it hurt you when I hug you Lily?"

"No," she whispered.

"Does it hurt you when I do this?" he asked, smoothing her hair from her face and wiping away her tears.

"No."

"Then why are you scared of letting me be your friend? Of letting me get close to you?"

"Because. I've always felt the same about you. I thought you were an arrogant prat. And now I'm all mixed up and I don't know what I'm feeling."

"I think I know what you're feeling," James answered. "You're confused. We've both changed, and you're not sure how to react. Your pride is hurting. You've always insisted that you felt nothing for me, and now that's a lie. You want to me go, because you want things to be how they've always been between us. Yet still, you want me to stay, because you can't help but be attracted to me."

Lily started to cry even harder. Everything he said was true.

"Lily, please don't cry," he whispered gently. "It's going to be okay."

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Because I do," he said firmly. Then he leaned down and kissed her. He put everything he had felt for her for as long as he had known her into that kiss; all the frustrations, hurts, love, and longing he had felt for Lily Evans.

And when she started to kiss him back he nearly choked. Because he had dreamed of this for so long it hardly seemed real. Yet as her kisses grew more insistent, James knew it was the truth. Lily was kissing him. She wanted him. She didn't hate him after all.

Finally, James pulled back. They were both breathing unevenly, and their faces were flushed. Lily still had tears in her eyes, and James wiped them away again. Despite her swollen red eyes and disheveled hair, she had never looked more beautiful to him.

"Are you still scared?" he asked.

"Kind of," she admitted. "It's more like confused though. I thought I hated you for five years. This year, we kind of became friends, but I still pretended I disliked you immensely. Which doesn't really make sense, but go figure. And now…" she blushed.

"And now you think I'm the best kisser you've ever met and you can't believe you've been missing out for all these years?" James supplied eagerly.

"Not quite, James," she answered, laughing. "More like, and now I think I've maybe fallen for you a little bit."

James snorted. "You snog me like that and expect me to believe that you've 'fallen for me a little bit'? Maybe it takes more than that to convince you, girl. We belong together." With that he leaned over and kissed her again. By the time they had stopped again, it was already past 11:00.

"I think we're out past curfew again," Lily remarked, looking at her watch.

"But boy was it worth it," James answered, winking at her.

"We should head back," she suggested.

"Not yet," he urged. "Stay with me a little while longer. We need to talk about some things."

"Like what?"

"Like…what are we now?"

"We?" she echoed.

James moaned in frustration. "Yes, Lily. _We_. As in, the two people who just spent the last hour and a half snogging each other out of their minds. Usually when that happens, you have to figure out where you go from there."

"I thought for you a snogging session was just that," Lily replied snottily. "A session. And after that it was over with."

"Lily…" he said warningly. "Don't play games. I know what my history with girls has been. And you know why? They never lasted because none could compare to you. My ideal. I've been crazy about you for a long, long time. And this year, I fell completely in love with you."

"James, I don't know what to say. Can we just keep things quiet for a while? Not tell anyone that we hooked up? I need…time," Lily said lamely. It was the truth though, because she definitely needed time to adjust to her new feelings towards James.

"Lily, I've waited for you for a long time now. I'm running out of time."

"James…."

"Fine, if you need time, you've got it." Lily grinned at him.

"Thank you."

James didn't answer, he just kissed her instead. He couldn't get enough of kissing her. He had been longing to do it for so long, and now he could, as much as he wanted.

"Don't take too much time, Lily. I don't know if I can stand it." Lily didn't say anything. She didn't know what _to_ say. Sometimes, in cases like that, silence was the best answer.

"Lily…"

"James, please don't ruin this by talking…" Lily groaned. She tried to pull James closer again but he resisted.

"What do we even have going if we can't talk to each other?" he asked dryly. The broom closet was dark but Lily knew that he was serious.

"It's not talking that I dislike. It's what you choose to talk about," Lily explained.

"I can't help it, Lily. It's been a week. Isn't that enough time for you? All you ever want to do is find an empty broom closet and snog. What's so bad about me that you can't let anybody know we're together?" he demanded.

Lily leaned in and ran a finger down the fabric of his shirt. He shivered and she smiled.

"There's nothing wrong with you, James. You're…you're a great guy. It's just that…"

"It's just your damn pride, isn't it Lily? You can't admit that you were wrong and that you like me after all. That's it, isn't it?"

"No, James…" Lily protested weakly. It shamed her to know that the words he spoke were true. She felt so worthless and dirty knowing that she would hide a guy like James to save face.

"_No, James_," he said mockingly. "Why don't you just tell me the truth and quit lying to me? I've been in love with you for a long time now, Lily. I put any pride I had aside and did whatever it took to get you. And now I'm finding out that maybe it wasn't worth it...because you won't even admit that we have something.

"James…"

"Don't, Lily," he growled. "I'm leaving. Damn your stupid pride."

James shoved her aside and groped for the door handle. He strode angrily down the hallway, leaving a crumpled Lily alone in the closet.

Lily fled back to the Gryffindor Common Room in complete disbelief. James had left her! She hadn't thought James would ever leave her after he had tried so hard to get her.

She sighed and curled up into a little ball in the corner of one of the couches. As she studied her flaming red toenails a million thoughts ran through her head.

James was truly wonderful. Although he was cocky and arrogant he had a certain charm about him. There was something about him that said "I'm only this cocky because I have everything in the world to be cocky about." He was a great Quidditch player, he was drop dead gorgeous, and he was at the very top of the class…depending on the day of course, he and Lily competed furiously for that spot.

And not only that, but he was head over heels in love with Lily.

"At least he was…" Lily grumbled. She had a feeling that James could never turn his feelings for her off that fast, but she knew she had to be careful. She had taken James for granted for too long. Now it was time to prove that she deserved to hold onto him.

If only she knew how to do it…

Lily sat there and planned and plotted for the rest of the evening. She walked up to bed with a small smile on her face. If her plan didn't work, nothing would.

* * *

James walked into the Great Hall and saw the entire student body of Hogwarts laughing and giggling as they stared at words that were floating through the air. He squinted and tried to read them from where he stood.

"_James Potter, oh James Potter,_

_could any guy be hotter?_

_More intelligent more brainy?_

_More crazy, more insane-y?_

_More cute or more cuddly?_

_More simply oh-so-snuggly?_

_No, I think there could never be,_

_a guy more amazing than dear Jamie."_

James felt his face flush as he read them, unsure of exactly who had written them. His question was soon answered though with one look at the Gryffindor table. Sirius, Remus, Peter, Alice, Marlene, Dorcas, and Emmeline were all howling hysterically around a very red Lily.

"Lily?" he choked in disbelief.

She stood up and walked over to him. "I've put my feelings up there for everyone to see. My pride is completely thrown away. I hope this is enough for you." With that she started to walk away. Her steps were a bit quicker than normal as if she were dying to get away from the humiliation.

"Lily!" he called after her. "Couldn't you just have maybe mentioned it to Alice or something, instead of writing sappy poetry about me for the whole school to read?"

"I could have," she said as she turned around. "But what fun would that be? Think of it as payback…for all those embarrassing times you gave me.

His eyes grew wide as an evil smirk appeared on her face. "Revenge is sweet," she whispered in his ear as he moved closer. Then she took off out of the Great Hall. With one last look at the very amused students, James ran after her.

His long legs overtook her easily. He grabbed her from behind and spun her around.

"You're crazy, Lily Evans," he growled. "And it just makes me want you more." He had to admit that her prank was humorous; he should have thought of doing something like that himself.

Lily squealed as he lifted her off of her feet and kissed her hard. When he set her down he realized they had an audience. The rest of the Gryffindor sixth years were peeking around the doors from the Great Hall. When the kiss ended they all cheered.

Lily glared at them and grabbed James's hand.

"C'mon, James. Let's go somewhere more private."

His hazel eyes got all big and round and hopeful and she hip-chucked him. "Not like that, you dork. I want to talk to you without these clowns spying on us." James chuckled and followed after him, winking at Sirius who gave him a thumbs up sign.

All was definitely good between James and Lily.

* * *

"I didn't realize you had it in you, Lily," Alice said slyly. Lily groaned and buried her face in her pillow.

"Alice, you've been teasing me about this nonstop since lunch. Now I'm trying to go to sleep. Can't you please let it go?" she asked in exasperation. Her words were muffled but Alice understood her anyway.

"Let it go?" Alice repeated in mock outrage. "Never! The moment finally comes when Lily admits that she's in love with 'cute and cuddly' James Potter and she wants me to let it go?" The other girls, who were all in bed, agreed with her.

"Especially after such a terrific demonstration of your feelings, Lils," Marlene joined in.

"Shut up!" Lily wailed from beneath her pillow.

The other four girls snickered but finally let up on their teasing.

_Hey everyone! A bit of a momentous occasion takes place in this chapter. Please, let me know what you think. I need some reader feedback...likes, dislikes, comments, or suggestions. They're all extremely welcome…and wanted. Until next week – Rochelle (by the way – thanks for the review Waterdreamer, and for the awesome beta-ing Sierra!)_


	11. Lover's Lane

From that day on it was always JamesandLily, LilyandJames. They went nearly everywhere together, excluding James's Quidditch practices and Lily's prefect duties. Lily found it hard to admit that she had finally, yes finally, gave in to James Potter, but he was too irresistible to deny it.

She left the dungeon, after a particularly difficult Potions lesson, and felt two strong arms wrap around her waist. She yelped and struggled to spin around.

A pair of gleaming dark brown eyes stared down at her wickedly.

"James!" Lily whacked him with her textbook.

"Hey, watch it! Those things are brutal!" James protested. He loosened his hold on her, leaving only one arm around her waist.

"You deserve it, sneaking up on me like that," Lily retorted.

"I wasn't exactly sneaking up on you," James replied. "You knew I was leaving class, same as you, and who else would be hugging you?" He paused to think for a moment. "Is there anyone else that would be hugging you?" he asked suspiciously.

"James!" Lily cried in exasperation. "No!" She hit him again with her book, this time more gently. "I guess I'm just not used to having people fling their arms around me." She let her long red hair fall around her face to hide the slight blush that had covered her cheeks.

James grinned. "Get used to it. I'm going to do it every time I see you, no matter where we are!" Lily rolled her eyes at his exclamation but smiled none-the-less. She slipped an arm around his waist so they were walking intertwined.

Unusual as the position was for Lily, it somehow felt extremely right.

* * *

"James, this is crazy. I'm never going to get it," Lily moaned in frustration. She was practicing a Transfiguration spell that they had been assigned and it never came out quite right.

"Hmm?" James responded absent-mindedly. He was deep into his History of Magic essay, having already successfully learned the spell. The two of them were sprawled out comfortably on a big leather couch in the Gryffindor Common Room, near the fireplace.

"No matter how many times I transform this rabbit into a toaster,the toasterhops away every time I try to make toast in it," she explained, showing him the bouncing toaster she was struggling to hold.

"It's simple, you just have to swish and twist like so," he said, demonstrating the proper motion. Lily imitated it and once again tried to turn her rabbit into a toaster. This time it successfully toasted the bread she had conjured instead of hopping out of her arms.

"You're brilliant," she exclaimed, smiling brightly at him. "I'm lucky to have such a smart boyfriend, she said teasingly, messing up his hair.

"Hey, watch it," he muttered. "You're going to ruin my reputation. Is that all you want me for anyway, my brain?"

"You got it," Lily answered instantly. "I was having a little trouble in Transfigurations, so I thought, why not have James tutor me? Of course, you aren't known for your helpfulness, so I…" before Lily could finish her tale, James had tossed his book onto the floor and tackled her.

"My brain, huh? That's what attracts you?" he growled, his deep brown eyes flashing menacingly. Lily giggled and nodded her head.

"I'm going to show you another quality I have that's pretty desirable, Evans," he whispered threateningly.

Lily shivered in mock-fear. She watched dizzily as James lowered his mouth down to hers until their lips met. She closed her eyes and he kissed her so thoroughly that she thought she was going to die from asphyxiation.

"Still only want me for my supreme intelligence?" he asked once he pulled back.

"Hmm…" Lily replied as she pretended to consider it. "I'm not convinced. You might have to demonstrate your _other_ talents again." James willingly complied, convincing Lily beyond any doubts she may have had previously.

"Whoa, whoa," a deep voice commented. "Some of us are trying to study here."

James sat up with a sinister scowl on his face until he saw Sirius smirking down at them. "Oh, bugger off, Padfoot. If only you knew how many times _I _was trying to study as you and some girl went at it…"

"Tsk, temper, temper Jamesie," Sirius chuckled. He tossed back a lock of shiny black hair for the benefit of a couple third year girls watching him intently. "I was merely commenting on the location of your, er, activities."

Both James and Lily flushed as they realized that indeed, nearly a dozen other students were watching the spectacle closely. Sirius laughed and plopped onto the couch beside James.

"So, James, any good ideas for tonight?" he asked conversationally.

"Plenty," James replied. "And they don't include you." He pulled Lily off the couch and grabbed their materials. "C'mon, Lils, we're going upstairs."

Lily followed him, but not before catching a glimpse of Sirius's face as they walked off. He looked strangely…hurt. But before Lily could study him too closely, Sirius crossed his eyes playfully at her and took off out of the common room.

Once they were in James's room, Lily cautiously approached the subject.

"James, don't you think that was a little harsh?"

"Harsh? What?" he asked in surprise.

"Sirius. He was sitting down to talk to you and you totally blew him off."

"I didn't blow him off," James answered, somewhat defensively.

"Yes you did. He was trying to talk to you and you just grabbed me and walked away. Do you think you have ignored him somewhat lately?"

James snorted. "He'll be fine. I've had lots of girlfriends before, and he's always handled it fine. Same for when he was with girls."

Lily scowled somewhat at the reminder of James's previous conquests but she continued on anyway.

"I don't know, James. He just looked so lonely as we walked away. I've never seen him look like that before."

"Lily, you worry too much." James reached out a hand and stroked her hair. "C'mon, I promise you, Sirius will be okay." He sat down on his bed and pulled her down with him. Lily looked at him stubbornly; still convinced she was right.

James sighed. "I promise, I'll talk to him tonight."

"Good." Lily smiled at him and ruffled his already messy hair. It never stopped amusing her to do that, because it got such a rise out of James.

"Hey, watch the hair!" he yelped, not disappointing her. Lily laughed and did it again.

"I can't help it if I find it so entertaining," she protested. She reached out to do it another time, but James grabbed her arm and stopped her.

"I will have to punish you very severely," he intoned.

"Oh no," Lily cried, her eyes dancing.

"Yes, I will have to resort to tickling you," James continued. He dove for Lily's stomach and started tickling wildly.

"Oooh! No! James…stop it!" she screeched. "You know I'm ticklish!" She squirmed but he was too strong, and he easily held her captive. Finally she was able to yank out her wand and cast a breathless repelling spell, making James fall over on the bed.

He looked at her with such shock that she laughed triumphantly. Then she straddled him and started tickling his sides ferociously. James was as ticklish as she was, but this was the first time she had been able to gain the upper hand with him.

"Revenge is sweet," she finally proclaimed, her breathing nearly as heavy as his was. She pumped her fist in victory, grinning at James.

James was still lying underneath her, his glasses knocked off and his cheeks pink with exertion.

"I kinda like this position," he commented, winking impishly at her.

Lily rolled her eyes at him. "You would," she retorted, for lack of a better comeback. Then she leaned down and trailed kisses along his neck, causing him to moan in pleasure. She grasped a handful of his soft black hair in one hand and placed the other on his cheek to hold him still. Finally, after teasing him enough, she slid her lips across his skin to meet his, and kissed him softly.

After she sat back up, James looked at her with a dazed expression on his face. "I told you I liked that position," he finally said. She grabbed a pillow and swatted him with it, and rolled off of him.

As they lay side by side, James rolled over partway and grabbed her so they were lying with Lily's back against James's chest. He placed his arms around her and held her tight.

"Seriously, though, Lils. You make me feel amazing. No other girl has ever made me feel like this before," he said quietly. Lily smiled and snuggled deeper into his arms. His holding her made her feel safer than she had ever felt before.

"I…I love you Lily," he continued. It was the first time he'd ever said that to her.

Lily rolled over in his arms so she was looking him in the eye. "I love you too, James," she whispered. He smiled at her and pulled her close. She lay her head on his shoulder and sighed with contentment. As terrible as it had seemed at first, falling in love with James Potter was the best thing she'd ever done.

_Hey everyone! I'm a bit late with this; I had incredible amounts of homework this weekend and no time to post up the next chapter. I hope it was worth the wait! Please, review, and let me know what you're thinking. Until next week - Rochelle_


	12. Return to Hogsmeade

"C'mon, Lily, girls night out!" Marlene cried as she tugged on Lily's arm.

"Day out, you mean," Alice corrected her, grabbing onto Lily's other arm.

"Whatever," Marlene answered. "C'mon, Lily. You haven't done anything with us in ages. This is a strictly girls only Hogsmeade visit."

"But I promised to go with James," Lily protested weakly, searching for him in the crowd of students leaving the castle.

"Well, you'll just have to unpromise him," Marlene chirped. "It's our turn to have you."

"If you want, we can talk to him for you," Dorcas said solemnly. "We can explain that he's depriving us of your cynical companionship."

"If that's all you think I have to offer," Lily sniffed in mock hurt.

"Kidding." Dorcas grinned. She was doing much better these days than she had been when her grandmother had first died.

"Let me at least tell James first," Lily pleaded as they continued to pull her along. "I see him, right over there."

"Oh, no." Marlene shook her head. "How do we know that as soon as we let you talk to him, he won't convince you to go with him?" She waved at James. "See, now he knows you're going with us. It's all good."

Lily looked helplessly at James and shrugged her shoulders. "What can I do?" she mouthed at him. He grinned at her and ran his hand through his hair. He waved and headed off to catch up with Remus.

"See, he's going with Remus now. You don't have to worry a bit," Alice said cheerfully, relinquishing her hold of Lily's left arm. Lily groaned in defeat but smiled anyway.

"You're right," she admitted. "I haven't gone to Hogsmeade with you in…forever."

"This from the girl who swore she'd never like James Potter," Emmeline said in mock disapproval. "See how fast and far she's fallen." Lily couldn't help but blush, even though she knew that Emmeline was only teasing. It was amazing how fast she had fallen in love with James. It was almost frightening to tell the truth.

* * *

James paced the rows of joke items at Zonko's impatiently. "C'mon, guys," he urged. "We've been here forever."

"That's the twentieth time you've said that James," Remus said, almost irritably. " "We've heard you every time. You can be quiet now."

"If we don't hurry up, we're never going to catch Lily and the girls at the Three Broomsticks," he explained, also for the twentieth time.

"We know, James," Sirius said. "But it'll be okay, I promise you. Repeat after me…I can survive one whole day without Lily…I can survive…"

James glared at him so viciously that Sirius backed off.

"Calm down, James. You know what your problem is?" Sirius casually spun his wand in his hand as a gaggle of fifth year girls watched him covetously.

"What?" James asked, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

"She's got you whipped," Sirius answered in a matter of fact tone of voice.

"You don't understand," James said through clenched teeth. "So shut up." Sirius's eyebrows shot way up and Remus turned and stared at James. Peter, peering out from the next aisle twittered nervously.

"Is everything okay there?" he asked, his eyes wide.

"Quite all right," James said stiffly. He stared at Sirius intensely.

Sirius finally looked away and shook his head. "Sorry, mate. I don't know what's going on, but you're acting really odd. Really, really odd…" he muttered as he walked around to where Peter was standing.

James turned to Remus who was still watching him closely.

"I'm…uh, done now, if you want to go see if they're at the Three Broomsticks." Remus displayed his wrapped purchases.

"Finally," James sighed, spinning on his heel and walking out the door.

Remus stared at him as he walked out, shaking his head. Sirius and Peter appeared suddenly at his side and they took off behind James to the Three Broomsticks.

"Am I not right?" Sirius asked indignantly. "He's never acted like this before."

"He's never been in love before either," Remus answered quietly. Sirius jumped with such a jolt it seemed as if he'd been shocked.

"You think he's in love?" Sirius asked in horror. "He…he can't be. He's…he's James!"

"He's changed."

Sirius tugged on his hair in dismay. "Changed. He can't change. He's my best friend!"

"Oh, come on," Remus said somewhat impatiently. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed that he's been getting into a lot less trouble lately, and spending a whole lot more time with Lily."

"I've noticed, believe me," Sirius muttered. "I just never thought…"

"Never thought what?" Peter asked eagerly.

Sirius glared at him and Peter quickly closed his mouth.

When they arrived at the Three Broomsticks, James was disappointed to see that the girls were not there. He ordered butterbeers for the four of them and pulled out his wallet.

"I've got them," he mumbled, handing Madame Rosmerta a handful of sickles. He grinned impishly at them, causing them all to sigh in relief. "I was a bit of a blockhead back there, so I figure I owe you."

"A _bit_ of a block…" Sirius stopped when Remus nudged him sharply in the ribs.

"When somebody pays for your drink, you don't insult them," he hissed. Sirius nodded and put on a more amicable face.

"Don't worry about it, Prongsie. Just keep the butterbeers flowing."

James started to reply when he saw the five girls walk in, all laughing wildly with their cheeks flushed, and their hair disheveled. He smiled to himself as he noted that Lily was definitely the most stunning of the group, with her bright green almond shaped eyes twinkling merrily in her heart shaped face.

"Hey, James!" she greeted him, sliding into the booth next to him. He slipped his arm around her and gave her a quick squeeze.

"How did your shopping go?" she asked him, taking a drink of his butterbeer.

"Great," James replied, disregarding the fact that he had spent nearly the whole time urging the others to hurry up. "In fact, I bought you a present."

"A present?" Lily squealed in delight. "Show me!"

He pulled out a small velvet box from his pocket and handed it to her. She opened it slowly, her eyes wide with anticipation.

"A watch!" she exclaimed fastening it onto her wrist. "Thank you, James."

Just as she finished speaking, the hands inched to show 3:00. A large, fuchsia and lime green bird flew out of the face of the watch and into Lily's face. "Cuckoo!" it cried three times, quite loudly, as it danced in front of Lily's dazed eyes. Then it returned to the watch, disappearing from sight.

Lily looked at James in bewilderment as the rest of the group dissolved into fits of laughter.

"What on earth…" she asked, her gaze darting from the ordinary looking silver watch and James' bright red face.

"I…well, Sirius said that girls like presents, and I thought perhaps this would make you laugh…" he explained, his cheeks growing even redder. Sirius guffawed loudly.

"You're supposed to buy them jewelry, James, but not jewelry that bops them in the face!" he cried before collapsing into laughter again.

James looked so crestfallen that Lily felt guilty. She gave James a quick kiss on the cheek and ruffled his hair. This time he didn't even stop her.

"I love it," she declared. "Just think what McGonagall will do when I wear this to her class!"

James sighed in relief and grabbed Lily's hand, holding it tight. She smiled at him and he finally relaxed.

"We'll see you later guys," Lily declared, standing up. "James and I are going for a…walk." James looked up at her in surprise, but she just winked at him. He stood up and followed her out of the Three Broomsticks despite the protests of the others. Leave them to their own pitiful company. He had Lily, and he was going to keep her.

"You don't have to wear it," he said as they walked slowly down the street. "I'll understand if you don't want to."

"Why wouldn't I wear it?" Lily looked quite offended. "It's great! Everyone's going to think I've gone nuts when it goes off in class."

"Yeah, I didn't quite realize what it'd do," James said weakly. "It said it was like a cuckoo clock, but I had no idea what that meant…"

Lily laughed and messed his hair. He automatically grabbed her hand to stop it and she smiled.

"Cuckoo clocks do that, James. There's a little bird that pops out and says 'cuckoo' for every hour that it is. Normally they're just a little smaller and they don't do it right in your face. But don't worry about it. I love it. And I love you," she added, grinning at him. He grinned back. He knew that Lily would like it…never mind all the crazy thoughts that had ran through his mind when he saw what it did…

"I love you too." With that he grabbed for her but she darted out of his reach. Although the street was busy with Hogwarts students, she stuck out her tongue playfully and hopped from foot to foot.

"If you want me, get me first," she exclaimed, her bright eyes laughing. He made a move for her and she took off running.

He chased her down the crowded street, weaving in and out of students. He chased her nearly all the way to the Shrieking Shack before he caught up with her. To his surprise, instead of letting herself get caught, Lily turned around and grabbed him.

"I got you!" she crowed, ignoring the fact that she had been trying to outrun him rather than catch him. His body hit her with such force that the two of them went rolling onto the grass on the side of the road. They rolled over and over until they came to a stop behind a line of bushes, which blocked them from the view of passersby.

"I thought I was trying to get you," James said, tousling her already messy hair. It was amazing how much Lily had changed from the prim and proper prefect she had once been.

"And me accept defeat?" She wrinkled her nose. "Never!" He laughed and she laughed and they lay there in the sunlight feeling as if all was perfect in their world.

* * *

Peter watched Lily lead James off on their "walk", fighting a flame of jealously burning in his gut. As if anyone actually believed they were going to walk innocently down the road, talking about the weather and having random conversation.

Lily was gorgeous. He loved her auburn hair, her vivid green eyes, and the way she had of making everyone feel caught up in her exciting world. When Peter talked to her, he didn't feel like tag-a-long Wormtail, he felt as if he were Somebody worth Something.

Jealousy was a new feeling to Peter. He had originally been supportive of James and his pursuit of Lily. Maybe that was because he had never believed James would actually catch her, so it didn't bother him, or maybe it was just that the feeling had snuck up on him.

Peter wanted Lily. He wanted Lily to write silly poems about him, he wanted her to sneak off on walks with him, and he wanted to be the one who bought her surprise presents.

He would have had more sense than to buy a watch with a manic bird in it.

"Wormtail, why the long face?" Sirius asked curiously, poking him in the shoulder. "Mourning the death of that frog of yours again?"

"Nutter Butter wasn't a frog, Sirius, he was a toad," Peter scowled.

"Frog, toad, bunny, they're all the same," Sirius said, waving a dismissive hand. "Aren't they girls?" Marlene, who was trying not to notice Sirius, didn't say anything, but Alice giggled, and Emmeline rolled her eyes.

"You can tell they're astounded by your brilliance," Remus intoned.

"Obviously," Sirius smirked.

_Hey everyone! Back again with another dazzling chapter…well, I'll reserve judgment on the chapter until I see your reviews. Speaking of which…reviews are great. Please let me know what you think! Thanks to all those who already have, and to Sierra, my most awesome beta. Until next week - Rochelle_


	13. Making it Last

"_Oh Snivellus,_" Sirius called tauntingly. Snape tried to walk inconspicuously past the sixth year Gryffindors without success.

"Are you ignoring me?" Sirius asked in a mock pained voice. He said a quick incantation and Snape was yanked backwards by an invisible force.

"It's not polite to ignore people, Snivellus," Sirius sing-songed. James tried to conceal the smirk that was tugging at his lips, while Peter watched in fascination and Remus shook his head.

"A little help here, James?" James pulled out his wand, ready to oblige. A little voice in his head reminded him that Lily hated people who tormented others, and that she had often chastised him for it, but he couldn't let Sirius down.

A quick _swish_ and _flick_ of Sirius's wand turned Snape upside down. A chocolate frog fell out of Snape's pockets and James grabbed it.

"Didn't realize you had a sweet tooth, Snivellus. I thought you'd be more likely to eat pickled lizard tongues or the like," he commented lazily. He tossed the frog to Peter who unwrapped it eagerly.

"Put me down!" Snape demanded, his pale pasty skin turning an alarming shade of fuchsia.

James twitched his wand back and forth a little, causing Snape to dance in midair. Then he let his wand fall, allowing Sirius to turn him right side up.

"Well done," Sirius congratulated him. "I didn't know if you still had the ole' touch."

James gulped. He could see Lily standing not a hundred feet from him, making him wholeheartedly wish that he had indeed lost the touch. Lily looked as if she was about to crucify him, and he didn't imagine that'd feel pleasant.

"I gotta go, guys," he said quickly. Sirius looked confused until he saw Lily.

"You're screwed, mate."

"Thanks for sharing," James growled. He slowly made his way to Lily - dreading what was to come.

"_What _was _that_?" Lily demanded, her face stiff with anger.

"It was…it was just a bit of…" James sighed. "I'm sorry, Lily. I swear that I didn't do it, this time it was Sirius, not me."

"And why did you have your wand raised?"

"I…I admit, I _possibly _might have twitched him around a bit while he was in midair, but that's it!"

"Do you not learn? You know how I feel about people who cruelly torment others for no reason!"

'I know…I wasn't thinking."

"I'd say not," Lily harrumphed, turning her back on him.

"Lily…"

"James, I don't want to talk to you right now."

"That'll be the last time I ever touch him, I swear! I won't lay a hand on Snape, ever again," James promised fervently as he followed Lily back to the castle.

"I don't want you to promise that because you know I get angry," Lily said, turning around. "I want you to stop because you realize what an arrogant, malicious, hurtful thing it is to do. You hate Snape because he's a Slytherin. How can he ever be anything more than what you expect him to be when you don't give him the chance? If all people ever did was hurt me, I wouldn't want to do anything other than hurt them in return."

James felt a rush of shame flood through him. He hung his head, knowing that what Lily said was true.

"It's called 'karma' James. What goes around, comes around. And it's due to hit you soon."

At dinner that night James slid into a spot across from Lily. She sighed when she saw him, but didn't move.

"You're right," James said as he sat down.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm an arrogant, malicious, hurtful idiot."

Lily blinked at him.

"You know…what you were telling me earlier. You were right, and I know that now. The last time this happened, I apologized to Snape to make you happy. This time I realize that it's not about you, it's about me and Snape, and the way I treat him."

Lily didn't say anything; she remained impassive.

"People are only what they are expected to be, what they're taught to be. And I regret that I'm one of the ones forming Snape's future right now. I want to tell you I'm sorry. I apologize to you, not because I want you to stop being angry with me, although I do want that, but because I let you down. You thought you were going out with an okay guy, but all I was today was a jerk."

"Did Remus tell you to say that?" Lily asked suspiciously.

"No!" James protested indignantly.

Lily smiled. "In that case, I accept your apology."

James felt a small weight lift off his shoulders and he smiled in relief. "Can we put that behind us now?"

Lily gave him a puzzled look.

"Because I can't eat if I'm worried, and that means I won't be eating until you tell me that we can move on."

Lily laughed. "You're so full of it, James. I've never seen you unable to eat before."

"That's because we've never gotten in a fight before."

"We have too! Do you not remember the time we got detention for fighting in the halls?"

James leaned forward, an all-knowing look on his face. "That," he said seriously, "was before we were going out, pre-us days, days when I was hardly even alive. You can't count them, because I was so desperate for you, I couldn't be held responsible for my own actions."

Lily laughed even harder and reached a hand over and mussed his hair. As always, it made him yelp.

"Hey! Leave my hair alone!"

"How can I when it's so irresistible?" she teased.

"Is that the only reason you're going out with me?" James asked warily. "So you can mess up my gorgeous locks?"

"You guessed it," she said gravely. "I must confess. It was your chaotic mop of hair that attracted me to you."

"Chaotic mop?" James grabbed a handful of his hair and tugged it gently. "You're calling my hair a chaotic mop?"

"Damn right!" Lily playfully reached across the table for his head. James ducked, grabbing her arm and immobilizing it.

"That," he intoned, "was entirely uncalled for."

"I'm sorry," Lily said in mock seriousness. "I…I…" before she could finish her lips began to twitch uncontrollably.

"Are you laughing at me?"

"Never," Lily swore. As soon as the words had left her mouth she burst into gales of laughter. James scowled at her, but was unable to look angry for more than a moment, before he too succumbed to the humor of it all.

* * *

Lily looked up in surprise as a sudden intruder came flying through the Gryffindor Common Room door, breathing heavily. It was past midnight, and Lily was alone, studying by the fire.

It was James.

"Where were you?"

He slowed down and stared at her as if seeing her for the first time.

"Oh…Lily. It's you." James turned towards the fire and walked over to her.

"Yeah, it's me," she repeated in confusion. "James, what's going on?"

"I just want you to know," he said seriously, "that my debt with Snape is completely paid up. We're even - dead even." He shuddered as he spoke the last two words.

"What are you talking about?"

"It's….it's nothing. I can't tell you. Just trust me, I made up for any unjust actions I had performed towards Snape tonight. And that's all I can say."

Lily stood up to better see James's face.

"James! You have scratches and dirt all over your face? What happened to you? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine."

"Did Snape do something to you? Is that why you're even?" Lily felt completely and utterly lost.

"Do you trust me, Lily?"

"Yes…"

"Then know that I'm telling you all that I can."

Lily nodded, reluctantly accepting James's poor explanation.

When she got a better look at him, she could see that his face was pale and his eyes were wild. His glasses were askew and his hair was a total mess.

"Sit down," she said softly, gesturing to the couch she had been studying on. James sat, his body rigid with tension.

"Relax," she whispered. She moved so that he was lying with his head on her lap, allowing her to tend to him.

Gently she brushed aside the dirt on his face and removed the bits of twigs from his hair. A few simple healing spells cleared up the cuts and scratches. Once all the damage was corrected, she ran her fingers tenderly through his hair, trying to sooth the rigidity of his body. Slowly his body relaxed, his eyes closed, and his breathing became even. He wasn't asleep, but finally at peace.

"Better?" she asked.

"Better," James answered, his eyes still shut. Lily lay down alongside of him; the deep comfortable couch large enough for both of them.

James wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tight against his chest. Lily closed her eyes and snuggled into him, inhaling the spicy scent that she had grown so fond of.

"Lily?"

"Mmhmm?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, James."

They fell asleep like that, under the bright glow of the full moon, shining through the windows.

* * *

"Good luck, James," Lily said quietly. Even though it was common knowledge that James and Lily were dating, there was still a large gaggle of girls surrounding James as he prepared for his Quidditch game.

"What? Oh, thanks, Lily," he replied absentmindedly.

"James, how did you ever get to be so good?" one of the fourth year girls squealed, delighted that she was talking to him. "You're like, the most amazing Chaser I've ever seen!"

"That play you made in the last game, it was simply brilliant!" another of the girls cried breathlessly.

James smiled at them and Lily felt her temper start to grow hot.

"James!" she said a bit sharply. He looked up at her in surprise.

"Yeah?" he asked, running a hand casually through his hair. One of the girls giggled in elation.

"I'm going to go sit down with Remus and Peter and the girls," she said, starting to edge away.

"You're not going to wait until I go out?" he asked, a hurt expression on his face.

"It looks as if you have plenty of girls already waiting with you," she replied coolly.

"Aw, Lily!" he called after as she walked away. "You know that they don't mean anything…"

"Then why don't you tell them that?" she retorted, continuing on her way to the stands.

James shook his head in exasperation and looked at the girls surrounding him. They all looked at him with wounded expressions on their faces.

"What are you looking at me like that for?" he demanded. "Go!" They all scattered quickly.

He sighed. This was the first Quidditch match that had taken place while he and Lily were dating. Every match the girls had always been there…it wasn't as if he invited them there. Lily didn't understand that he didn't care about any of them, only her.

Breathing deeply, James tried to clear his head. It never did any good to play with a head full of worried thoughts. Lily would come around. She would realize that she was being overly paranoid and she'd calm down.

Convinced of this, James took his broom and started to walk out onto to the field, as the game was about to begin.

"What's wrong, Lily?" Alice asked quietly as Lily sat down beside her.

"Nothing," Lily muttered.

"Lily…I can tell something's wrong…" Alice peered at her with big round blue eyes.

"It's really nothing. I was just down talking to James, but there were so many other girls around him that he hardly paid attention to what I was saying," Lily confessed, her eyes troubled.

"Oh, Lily," Alice said, grabbing her friend's hand. "I'm sure it's nothing. James is totally head over heels over you."

"Then why doesn't he tell that to all his little friends?" Lily asked snappishly.

"I don't know, Lily. But honestly, don't worry about it. Everything will turn out fine," Alice reassured her.

Lily smiled at her and turned her head to the game. James would surely apologize as soon as the game was over and everything would be okay again.

_Hey everyone! It's the holiday season and next week I'll be posting up two chapter as bit of a gift to the readers…that is, if you give me a gift in return and let me know what you think of My Immortal so far. (Greedy, aren't I? I'm sorry…but reviews really are wonderful!) Enjoy the season…Rochelle_


	14. Slashed into Shreds

The Slytherins slunk back to their dungeon in defeat, completely trounced by the Gryffindor chasers. The score had been 350-30, the biggest win of the year.

Lily knew that it couldn't be easy for the Slytherins to lose to their lifelong rivals, but felt that they could be better sports about it. There was no need for Regulus Black to fly his broom into the victorious crowd of Gryffindor fans.

She quickly surveyed the Gryffindor Common Room. There were people everywhere and the atmosphere was one of great excitement. After the thrilling victory over Slytherin everybody was in the mood for a giant party to work off all their energy.

James and Sirius looked sweaty and gorgeous in the center of the room as they relived some of the most exciting plays of the game with a group of fifth years.

Remus was sitting comfortably on the couch sipping a butterbeer and talking with Dorcas, both of their eyes lit up in animation. Lily smirked; they were a cute couple no matter how much they denied their feelings towards each other.

Peter was standing in a corner bragging about James and Sirius to a gaggle of little first years, bouncing up and down in exhilaration. To him, nothing was better than being friends with such superstars as James and Sirius.

Marlene, Emmeline, and Alice were standing by Frank Longbottom and his friends from seventh year, Alice flirted with Frank shyly while Emmeline and Marlene made friendly conversation.

Lily smiled in satisfaction. Everything was running smoothly and everyone was having a great time. After the Quidditch game she had been slightly nervous that things would get out of hand but the Gryffindors were proving her wrong.

"Hey everybody!" a loud voice called. Lily spun around to see who had yelled. It was a large seventh year boy looking flushed and exhausted.

"I just brought a keg of firewhiskey smuggled directly from Hogsmeade for all you who feel you worked hard tonight and deserve it!" he continued, pointing at the large keg next to him. "All you Quidditch players and all you wild, devoted fans out there, enjoy!"

Lily groaned and buried her face in her hands. Just when she thought things were going to be perfect, firewhiskey was dragged into the picture.

"What's wrong, Lils?" James asked, suddenly appearing besides her.

"I really don't think that he should have brought the firewhiskey," she said quietly. "It's not going to do anything but get us into trouble.

"Aww…come on, Lily. A little firewhiskey never hurt anybody," James replied. "You need to loosen up." He grinned at her and chucked her under the chin.

"Don't," she cried as she slapped his hand away. "Don't tell me to loosen up. I'm going to be the one who has to haul everyone back to his or her beds tonight when they're all too drunk to do it themselves." James hadn't apologized and she was still slightly irritated with him.

"Don't be like this, Lily. It's all in good fun," James said confidently. "Nothing like that is going to happen."

Lily glared at him and stalked away. It would be nice, she thought, if her boyfriend was a little more supportive of her and her opinions. She shook her head. James might be irritating sometimes, but they loved each other, and that was all that mattered.

Quickly they party shifted from a loud, laughing, innocent gathering to a drunken stumbling mass of people. Lily sighed inwardly as she picked her way through the crowds of people.

"Hey, Lily, whatcha doing?" a very drunk Sirius called, leering at her. She looked at him in disgust as he swayed unsteadily on his feet.

"Bugger off, Sirius," she said firmly. Most of the time she liked Sirius, but not when he was sloshed. It was definitely one of the reasons she had called it off the previous year; she didn't like wild partiers.

"Aw, Lily, don't you want to come and play with me?" he asked suggestively. The guys around him started to snicker.

"Sirius, leave me alone," she replied. A tired-looking Remus ran up and slipped an arm around Sirius to steady him.

"I'm sorry that he's bothering you, Lily," Remus apologized. "I'm going to get him up to our room so he can sleep this off."

"Thank you, Remus," Lily answered gratefully. "You don't need to apologize for him though; you're not responsible for his actions."

"It sure feels like it some times," Remus grumbled as he started to heft Sirius towards the stairs.

"Remus, I'm not tired! G'way. Come dance, let's dance Remus! You need t'ave fun, no good to be too too serious, like me, I'm Sirius!" Sirius said stupidly as Remus dragged him towards the staircase.

Lily continued to make her way around the room, checking to make sure everyone was ok. As she approached the far corner of the room Emmeline quickly came running towards her.

"Lily, stop!" she cried. "Come over here." Emmeline looked unnaturally red for someone who was normally so calm and graceful at all times.

"Why?" Lily questioned. "Is something wrong?"

"Um, yes," Emmeline answered, sounding quite flustered. She turned around and pointed at the other side of the room. "I think a fight is breaking out over there. You better go check. I'll take care of whatever's over here."

Lily hastily made her way back over to where Emmeline had pointed and surveyed the scene. She couldn't see any fights going on, and she wasn't quite sure what Emmeline was talking about. Looking around she saw that Marlene was lying on the floor giggling quietly.

"Marlene?" Lily bent over and tentatively shook her friend. Marlene kept giggling nonsensically.

"Marlene? I'm going to take you upstairs, now, okay?" Marlene didn't answer her, so Lily pulled her friend up off the floor and put her arms sturdily around her. She struggled to pull Marlene across the floor as Marlene was completely limp in her arms.

"Hey, I'll help you with that," Remus answered, running back down the stairs. "We have to get these people into bed or we're screwed when McGonagall finds them."

"You're a lifesaver, Remus," Lily exclaimed in relief. "This party was terrible. And now trying to get all these drunk people back up to their rooms, it's beyond awful."

"Tell me about it," Remus said. "This is about my twentieth trip. I don't think there is anyone save us and a few others who aren't completely toasted."

James watched as Lily and Remus went up the stairs and sighed in relief. When he saw Lily heading over towards the corner where he was he knew that it probably wasn't a good thing. Everything was a little fuzzy to him, but something deep down told him that Lily wouldn't be pleased to see him like he was.

He hadn't meant to get into this situation, really he hadn't, but somehow it had just happened. Sonya Figaro, one of the fifth years who had been hanging on him before the game, had came over to him, flipping her long blonde hair over her shoulder, and offering him shots of firewhiskey. The next thing he knew she was sitting in his lap. She had congratulated him on his good game, and kept handing him more drinks. As he got more and more incoherent in thoughts and words she pressed her well-proportioned body closer and closer to him.

"James," she cooed. "Did I tell you how amazing you looked as you scored the winning goal?"

He shook his head. He ignored the feeling that something was wrong; at least Sonya was paying attention to him. After the firewhiskey arrived and he and Lily had argued about it, Lily had been cold to him the rest of the night.

"You looked so strong and gorgeous as you threw the Quaffle through the hoop, I was astounded by your talent," she continued in a syrupy voice. She leaned over and kissed him wetly on the mouth.

"Hey, not here," he managed to get out.

"Ok handsome, then come to my room with me," Sonya said provocatively. James started to shake his head but she stopped him.

"Drink up, James," she commanded, handing him another glass of firewhiskey. He obligingly drank deeply.

"I promise, we won't do anything that Lily will find out about. Besides, wasn't she ignoring you all night? You deserve better than that," she said sympathetically. "C'mon, I'll make it worth it for you."

"You're right," James slurred. "I do deserve better." His eyes flashed with anger when he remembered the way Lily had stalked away from him. And the way she had treated him before the game. Come to think of it, she had never apologized for it either. He tipped the cup of firewhiskey up and drained it.

Dorcas appeared in front of him, her face horrified and angry.

"James, stop it…Come with me…" she pleaded. At least, that's what he thought she said.

"Dorcas! Wanna join the fun?" he asked jovially.

"James, you don't know what you're doing," she said, her voice tight and controlled, her face pinched and white.

"I'm having fun," he said defiantly.

"If all you're going to do is bother us," Sonya told Dorcas in a sugary sweet voice, "then we're prefer you'd leave."

Dorcas's eyes grew wide and she turned and fled to get reinforcements.

Sonya saw her chance and grabbed his hand and started to pull him up.

Just then she saw Lily come down with Remus. She ducked the two of them behind a couch. When she saw the two of them grab Peter and maneuver him up to the boys' dorms, she grabbed James and led him up to hers.

Even as drunk as he was he managed to get up to her room without falling over. It would figure that a golden boy like James Potter was even graceful when he was drunk, Sonya thought. She had lusted after him for ages, and now she finally had him.

James sat down on her bed, looking incredibly sexy with his ruffled black hair and bright hazel eyes. She sat down on his lap and started moving, his chest pressed tight against her back. He moaned and she continued to move more and more provocatively. When she felt his body react she turned around and kissed him hard on the mouth. They tumbled backwards and he slipped his arms around her. He started fumbling with her robes and he slid them slowly off of her.

Sonya smiled in satisfaction. Lily Evans may have lasted for a short while, but it was definitely Sonya who had him now.

* * *

Lily looked around the near empty common room. Between herself, Remus, Emmeline, Dorcas, and Alice they had brought nearly everyone back to his or her own dorm. It was three in the morning and there was only one girl remaining, a fifth year that Lily didn't know very well.

"C'mon, guys," she called. "Only one more to go and then we can all head off to bed." They quickly each grabbed an arm or a leg and started carrying the girl to the fifth year girls' dorm room. When they stepped into the room and placed her on her bed they heard strange sounds coming from one of the other beds.

Behind curtains that weren't quite shut were unmistakably James Potter and a girl that Lily hardly knew. Doing things to each other that Lily herself had never done with him.

A strange sounding moan escaped from deep inside of Lily and she swayed unsteadily on her feet. James looked up and saw her standing there. For a moment they stared each other straight in the eyes until Lily couldn't take it any longer. She spun around to flee the room. Behind her stood a shocked looking Remus and Alice and a guilty looking Emmeline and Dorcas.

"You knew!" she whispered in shock. Emmeline looked miserable and she started to speak. Before she could get any words out Lily flew out of the room and down the stairs. She didn't know where she was running to, but as long as it was away from everyone she knew it was good enough.

"Lily?" she heard James voice call in confusion from behind her. "Where….where are you going?"

Lily could hear the slur in his words and knew that he was drunk. Damn him!

She ran at a breakneck pace down the stairs and through the empty common room. Through the portrait hole and down the dark hall, breathing heavy uneven breaths, she ran.

Footsteps sounded behind her but she didn't stop running. When she reached the prefect's bathroom she burst through the door and locked it behind her.

"Lily! Open up!" Alice pleaded as she banged on the door. Remus, Dorcas, and Emmeline echoed her calls.

Lily sank to the cold marble floor and sat there stone faced, her skin white and drawn. Her eyes were open wide in shock and anger but not a tear slipped out of them.

Pounding and pleas continued to sound on the door, but Lily didn't hear them. She didn't speak, she didn't cry, she didn't think. She was simply numb.

She sat like that for hours when suddenly she heard a strange wailing sound. She looked around the bathroom and saw that it was as empty as she thought it had been. The heartbroken sounds were coming from her.

As tears streamed down her face and moans escaped from her throat she beat the hard tiled floor with her fists until she could hardly breathe from the exertion.

_James slept with her, _she thought. _He promised that he'd love me forever. And I loved him back. And now he slept with a girl I don't even know. How could he do this?_

Her torn heart ached until she thought that she wasn't going to be able to stand it any longer. It felt as if James had slashed it into shreds with a knife and then fed the mutilated slices to a Hungarian Horntail Dragon.

In a hurt and wild frenzy she raked her long nails up and down her arms, reveling in the angry pain the slashes made. Maybe if she caused herself enough physical pain the emotional pain would hurt less in comparison.

Finally she collapsed on the floor in exhaustion and fell into a deep comatose sleep. It was filled with confusing images and pain that continued to haunt her when she woke the next morning.

_Merry Christmas! For those who don't celebrate Christmas, happy holidays! Here's the first chapter that I promised, the other will be up shortly. Enjoy the season! Please send me a review to let me know what you think…reviews presents awesome! - Rochelle_


	15. Nothing You Can Do

James woke up the next morning sprawled on his bed, dressed only in his robe, lying on top of his comforter. The room was empty except for him. He groaned as the heavy pounding of a massive hangover throbbed in his head.

"Oh fuck," he whispered as he sat up on his bed. The events of the previous night came flooding back to him.

_What had he done?_

Lily had seen him with Sonya. He had slept with Sonya.

He jumped out of bed and quickly dressed. He didn't know how he had gotten back into his robe or back to the bedroom last night, and he didn't want to know. He was too busy panicking.

James frantically searched the halls for Lily. He looked in the Gryffindor Common Room, in the library, in the Great Hall, in every place he thought Lily could possibly be.

His mind swirled with pain and regret and self-hatred. How could he have possibly been so stupid as to get drunk and sleep with Sonya? His relationship with Lily meant too much to him, yet here he had gone and done the worst thing possible. He had betrayed her. He had broken her trust, trashed her hopes, and most likely lost her love.

Just as he turned a corner he saw her walking with Alice. Alice had her arm firmly secured around Lily's waist and she was whispering something into her ear. Lily looked up from the floor she was staring at and looked James in the eye.

For the first time in James' life he saw Lily without her gleaming emerald eyes. Today they were completely dark and dull, as if someone had sucked all the life out of them. The rest of Lily looked even worse. Her fists were deeply bruised, her arms had vivid red slashes running the length of them, and her face was pale and tightly drawn.

"Lily, I need to talk you," he started to say as he hurried towards them. Her expression didn't change, but Alice pulled Lily closer to her.

"Leave her alone," Alice hissed. "You have no right to talk to her."

"I have to," James protested. He followed them as they speed walked down the hall.

"Lily, please, listen to me," he begged. "I fucked up majorly. I don't know what I was doing in there. I was drunk, I didn't know. She…she came on to me, and I was so drunk, and I was so angry with you for ignoring me, and it's my entire fault," he babbled disjointedly.

"Please, Lily, I love you. I am so sorry; I'll do anything to make this up to you. Lily, say something, please?"

The two girls kept walking, leaving James standing alone in the middle of the hallway.

"Prongs, what's wrong?" a tired voice said from behind him. James turned around to see Sirius walking up to him, rubbing his head gingerly.

"I am in deep shit," James answered.

"What?" Sirius mumbled. "I have a terrible headache."

"Your headache is nothing compared to my situation. Lily won't speak to me and I'm majorly screwed."

"She wouldn't talk to you last night either, is she still mad about the firewhiskey thing? Tell her to get over it."

"It's a lot worse than that," James said grimly. "She caught me with Sonya Figaro."

"Wow, Prongs, not good. But can't you tell her that you were drunk and you didn't mean to snog Sonya?" Sirius asked. "I bet she'll forgive you."

"I didn't just snog Sonya!" James cried in frustration. "I slept with her!" He said the last two sentences a little louder than he meant to and students passing by shot him looks of incredulous disbelief.

None of their faces, however, matched the shock on Sirius's face.

"You did what?" he said in horror.

James started to repeat himself but Sirius waved his hand to stop him.

"I heard you," he muttered. "I just can't believe that even you could screw something so good up like that."

"What am I going to do?" James asked miserably.

"You're going to suck it up and apologize a million times until she can bear to look at you. Then you think of a really creative way to get her to speak to you again," Sirius answered.

"Be serious," James replied.

"I am. I don't know, Prongs, I've never gotten into a situation like this before."

"That's because you've never had a serious girlfriend before."

"At least when I get drunk, I end up safely in my own bed, not in a girl's," Sirius shot back.

"That's because Remus always drags you up there!" James retorted.

"Stop it guys," a new voice said. Remus suddenly appeared and placed a hand of both of their shoulders. "This whole situation is bad enough, we don't need you two fighting on top of it," he added. Sirius glared at James and walked hurriedly down the hallway.

"What am I going to do, Moony?" James whispered hoarsely.

"I don't know," Remus answered, shaking his head. "I really don't know."

* * *

Lily sat unmoving in the library, her eyes focused on a random part of the wall in front of her. It was empty, except for her, as it was late at night. There was only Lily, sitting in a state of near unconsciousness. She hardly even moved when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey, Lily," Sirius said.

"Hey," she whispered. She looked just as awful as she had in the morning. Her hair was in a terrible state of chaos, her eyes were dull and distant, and she held herself so stiffly she looked as if she was about to snap.

Sirius didn't say anything, but instead opened his arms. Lily tumbled into them. He held her as she cried again, shaking and trembling in his embrace. He smoothed her wild hair and rubbed her back, trying to soothe her.

They sat like that for what felt like an eternity until finally Lily pulled away.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"No problem," Sirius answered. "Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on every now and then. I knew you'd feel the same."

"Why did he do it, Sirius?"

"I don't know why," he replied. "James…well, he's my friend, but I really can't explain him. Especially when he does something like this."

"What am I going to do?" Lily asked. "I can't forgive him. He has hurt me more than I ever thought anyone could."

Sirius sighed. "You know, I'm not the best at this advice kind of stuff. All I can say is hold your head high. Tomorrow, look stunning. The world will see that nobody can get Lily Evans down, and your pride will be a little more intact."

He looked down at her forlorn figure and felt a terrible pang of pity. He hugged her one more time.

"I'll be here whenever you need me, Lily."

"Thank you."

Sirius held out a hand to help her up. Together they walked back to the Gryffindor Tower, her small, thin body leaning against his tall, broad frame. Several heads turned when they walked in, but the Common Room was nearly empty, so only a few students saw them come in.

"I'd walk you up to your dormitory, but I've had painful experiences with your stairs," he whispered in her ear as she started up the stairway. She didn't say anything; she only continued moving slowly, as if she were not only emotionally shattered, but physically wounded too.

All of the Gryffindor girls were waiting for her in their dorm. Alice, Marlene, and Dorcas all had on faces of extreme sympathy and pity. Emmeline looked slightly guilt ridden, and also very sympathetic.

When Lily walked in, nobody said a word. She held up her chin defiantly and walked over to her bed. She sat down on the soft mattress and began to cry again, for the second time that day. Truthfully, she was amazed that she had kept the tears from flowing so long.

"Lily," Alice said softly. She crossed the room and slipped her arms around her friend.

"I hate him," Lily said bitterly. "What did I ever do to him? I loved him, and that was my mistake. I'll never trust a guy again. Look at how all of you convinced me to go out with him. You all said we were perfect for each other. And I believed you.

"Now look at me. I thought he loved me, but he was sleeping with other girls behind my back." She glared at Emmeline. "And some of you knew, but didn't have the kindness to tell me."

Emmeline burst into tears. "I'm sorry, Lily. I only saw the two of them together in the Gryffindor Common Room. And I thought that I could take care of it, before it got out of hand. But once I had gotten you to go the other way, Alice needed me to help her take care of another girl, and I wasn't able to go separate them."

She went and sat next to Lily.

"I'm so sorry, Lily. I am. Please, forgive me."

Lily sighed. "I forgive you. I know it wasn't your fault. I'm just taking out my anger and my pain on you, and it's not fair."

Dorcas and Marlene joined the other three girls on the bed; all five of them huddled in a group hug.

"I knew that I wasn't his type. How could a girl like me keep James Potter interested for long? It was only the thrill of the chase he wanted. Once he had me, he got sick of me," she said remorsefully.

"Don't ever say that," Alice cried fiercely. "You are the best, most wonderful, girl to ever walk this planet. You deserve a man a million times better than James. He was lucky to have you, and he was the most incredibly stupid person ever to lose you."

"Don't put yourself down," Dorcas chimed in. "It's entirely his fault. If I were you, I'd make him fall on his knees and beg forgiveness, and then I'd kick him where it really hurts."

"I'm not going to kick him," Lily whispered. "I don't think I could bear to do that."

"Look at how he hurt you," Marlene pointed out.

"If he's a bastard, does it mean that I should stoop to his level?" Lily asked.

"No," Marlene sighed. "I guess not. But I really think he should suffer for what he's done."

"How about we don't talk about it anymore," Lily suggested. "I just want to forget about James Potter, now and forever."

The rest of the girls respected her wishes, and eventually they all feel asleep there on Lily's bed. They spent the whole night, arms wrapped around each other, lost in their individual dreams and nightmares.

* * *

The next day Lily took Sirius's advice. She still wasn't able to function very well, so she had Alice and Emmeline help her. Alice curled Lily's long red hair so it tumbled in waves around her face. Meanwhile, Emmeline carefully applied makeup on Lily's face, accentuating Lily's vivid green eyes and pale, smooth skin.

The final product was stunning. Lily looked gorgeous. The only flaw to be seen was her expression: her eyes were still dulled with pain and the corners of her mouth were tilted downwards.

"Smile, Lily," Alice urged.

"I don't remember how," Lily answered. It was the truth; her heart felt numb, as if it couldn't quite recall the feeling of happiness it once had.

Alice sighed and hugged Lily. "You'll get through this, Lily. You're strong, just hold your head up, and you'll survive."

"That's what they keep telling me," Lily answered, "but I don't know if I believe it." She shrugged her way out of Alice's hug and walked out of the room.

She was walking down the hallway to the Great Hall when she saw James quickly running up to her. She started to turn and walk the other way, but he grabbed her arm and forced her to look at him.

"Lily," he said in a low voice, "we have to talk."

Lily looked at him blankly. She hadn't spoken to him since she had found him in bed with Sonya.

"Please," James pleaded, his voice raspy. "Come with me to the library. Please, five minutes, it's all I ask."

Lily sighed, knowing that at some point she'd have to speak with him. Standing so near to him caused her completely mixed feelings. She was still attracted to him, yet she felt revulsion knowing what he had done to her, pain, sadness, and defeat and the total urge to run the other way.

"Fine," she answered, trying to keep her voice from shaking. "Five minutes."

James grinned at her in relief, grabbing her hand to guide her to the library. She yanked it away.

"I can find my way to the library myself quite well, thank you," she hissed coldly. His face fell and he let his hand fall back to his side. They walked in awkward silence the rest of the way.

James watched as Lily sat stiffly in her chair across the table from him. She looked everywhere but at him. He only had five minutes; he started to talk.

"Lily, I have done the worst thing imaginable, and I am truly a despicable being. I have hurt you more than I ever thought anyone could ever hurt another, and that's bad, considering I love you. I love you so much, Lily, more than I've ever loved anyone else. Believe me, it's true.

"I don't know what to say that will make it better, that will make things okay between us again. Tell me, Lily, what do I do?" His big hazel eyes looked at her in pain and agony, but she was still pointedly examining the shelves of books nearby.

"Lily, look at me. Answer me, please," he begged. She turned to face him.

She stared at him for what seemed like eons. Her eyes were void of any emotion whatsoever; it was as if somebody had suctioned all the life out of her, leaving an empty shell in its place. Finally she broke the silence.

"There is nothing that will make it better, James. There is nothing you can do that will make things right between us. I came with you because I wanted to get one thing straight between us, so hear me out.

"I loved you, James. I thought you loved me back. But people who love each other don't do things like sleeping around to each other. I'm sorry that I believed you when you told me you loved me. I'm sorry that I ever fell in love with you. I'm sorry that I ever met you, because now I have a whole lot of forgetting to do.

"Because, James, I never want to speak to you again. Don't talk to me, don't try to get me to like you again, don't use your friends to try to persuade me, and don't try to have any part in my life ever again. From this moment on, you are nobody and nothing to me. That's how it will be; don't even try to change my mind."

"You can't mean that," James whispered, his face steadily growing paler and paler.

Lily looked him in the eye one last time. Her face looked so pained that James wanted to hug her and make it all better, but he knew he couldn't. Then, she stood up and turned around. She walked slowly but determinedly out of the library, never looking back.

James put his head down on the table. How his life had gone from the ultimate bliss to living hell in the space of a couple of days, he didn't know. All he knew was that it was entirely his own fault.

_And here's the second of the double posting! Please, if you haven't done so, let me know what you think. There's a lot going on in My Immortal right now, and I'd love some feedback. Have a wonderful holiday season. Thanks to my awesome beta Sierra for getting this to me!_


	16. Salt in the Wound

Lily spent the rest of the week in a semi-daze. She went to classes during the day and slept at night. She hardly talked and spent all her time wrapped up in her melancholy thoughts. Her friends tried to draw her out of her depression, but it was to no avail. The more they tried to pull her out, the further inside herself she retreated.

After giving up on Lily, her friends decided to find James. They cornered him in the Gryffindor Common Room when nobody else was around.

"Hey, James," Marlene called sweetly across the room. He turned around and saw the four girls advancing on him.

"I hope you're suffering for what you did," she said in that same saccharine voice. "Lily sure is suffering. And it's all your fault."

"Don't you think I know that?" he asked bitterly.

"We just wanted to send you a little message," Alice said abruptly. She didn't feel like wasting any more time on James than necessary.

"Leave Lily alone," Emmeline stated. "And then we'll leave you alone."

"But if you hurt her any more than you already have," Dorcas went on.

"Which would be hard to do," Marlene interjected.

"We'll tie you up in knots and hex you into Voldemort's lair," Dorcas finished.

"Understand?" Alice asked.

"I understand," James answered. "Believe me, I never meant to hurt Lily. I was drunk…"

"Potter, we don't want to hear your fumbling excuses. A lot of people were drunk that night. You were the only one who woke up having ruined the life of the person who you claimed to love the most," Marlene pointed out. James winced.

"We just want you to know that we think you're the most despicable cretin to ever walk this earth," Emmeline continued.

"And we really regret ever encouraging Lily to date you," Dorcas finished off. All four girls gave him the worst death glares he'd ever received and simultaneously spun around on their heels. Their message was crystal clear to James. Stay away from Lily, or regret it for the rest of his life.

* * *

The next morning when Lily appeared in her first class she found a note on her desk. All it contained was the instruction to report straight to Dumbledore's office and the password. She looked up at Professor McGonagall who nodded briefly at her. McGonagall's expression was unreadable; it held a mixture of pity and sadness, mixed in with anger and love.

Lily walked up to Dumbledore's office and quietly recited the password of "gumdrops" to the gargoyle. When she sat down in the chair across from Dumbledore, she immediately knew something was wrong.

"I don't think I want to hear this, professor," she said warily.

"Lily, I'm sorry to have to deliver some terrible news to you," he began.

"I really don't want to listen to you," she continued.

"Your sister happened to be staying at a friend's house, but your parents…" he started to explain.

"I'm not listening," Lily cried childishly, her fingers in her ears.

"…were at the house when the Death Eaters attacked…"

"I can't hear you!"

"…and the ministry was notified about use of magic in a Muggle neighborhood…"

"La la la la la!"

"...and they arrived at the house to find both of your parents dead, murdered by the Death Eaters."

Lily slowly removed her fingers from her ears. "No," she whispered hoarsely.

"I'm sorry, Lily," Dumbledore said sympathetically. "Just remember, we'll always be here for you at Hogwarts…"

He broke off when Lily slumped from her seat into a pile on the floor. He picked up the unconscious girl and began the long trek to the hospital wing.

"What happened to her?" Alice gasped as she saw Professor Dumbledore carrying Lily to the hospital wing.

"She had a tremendous shock," he answered gravely. Alice fell into step next to him.

"She's going to need a lot of support," he continued. "I'm hoping you'll be there for her."

"Of course," Alice agreed breathlessly. She had been on her way to her second class but immediately abandoned her previous schedule. "Me and all the girls will be. May I ask what the shock was?"

"Well…" he hesitated. "I suppose when Lily wakes up she might not be able to tell you herself, and I know you are her best friend, so I hope I'm not being presumptuous if I think Lily would like for me to tell you." Dumbledore stared Alice in the eye. "Lily's parents were murdered in their sleep last night. The Death Eaters attacked."

"Oh no! Why?" Alice cried.

"Lily is a very powerful witch. They are trying to break her before she has the chance to fight them," he answered. "It's a terrible cowardly thing to do, but it is their way."

"That's awful! Hurting innocent Muggles like that…" Tears started to well up in Alice's eyes. "Poor Lily," she whispered. Dumbledore looked at her sharply, and quickly turned away again.

They got to Madame Pomfrey who quickly took Lily from Dumbledore's arms. Alice watched as the nurse lay Lily down on a bed and started preparing a peaceful sleep draught.

"Alice, I want to ask you something," Dumbledore said suddenly.

"Yes?"

"James and Lily have split up correct?"

Alice started to fidget. She really didn't feel comfortable talking about the circumstances of Lily's relationship with James to her headmaster.

"Yes, you are correct," Alice finally answered.

Dumbledore sighed. "This is not good, not good at all," he mused. He stroked his beard thoughtfully, his blue eyes narrowed in concentration.

"I have not had the chance to talk to Lily about it, and now I believe that I most likely won't get that chance for a long while. James, on the other hand, has been acting strangely lately. I presume this is because the split is his fault."

Alice didn't say anything. She felt it was really none of her business, and if he really wanted to know, James deserved to face up to what he had done.

"You are a good friend, Alice, very trustworthy. Lily has chosen well."

Alice flushed from his compliment. Dumbledore turned to Madame Pomfrey.

"Poppy, I'm going to have a talk with a student. Please alert me as soon as Lily starts waking up."

"Of course," the nurse answered. Dumbledore strode gracefully out of the room.

"Will Lily be okay?" Alice asked timidly.

"Of course," Madame Pomfrey replied reassuringly. "She will be back to her original state in no time. It is her mental condition I am worried about. Lily hasn't been looking very happy at all lately, and now this has happened. She will need a lot of support."

"And I will be there to give it to her," Alice answered automatically. "If she wants me, of course."

"Good," the nurse answered. "Not everyone is so lucky as to have a friend like you."

* * *

"James, I trust you know why I have called you in here," Professor Dumbledore began.

"Actually, no, I don't know," James answered. "Whatever it is, I didn't do it." He attempted a small smile.

"This isn't about a prank one of your friends has pulled," Dumbledore said softly. "This is about what has happened to you and Lily."

"What do you mean?" James asked somewhat insolently. His eyes narrowed slightly.

"You know what I mean," Dumbledore replied. He noticed the small change in James's tone of voice, and he didn't appreciate it. The boy was feeling guilty, and he was acting defensive.

"You and Lily are no longer dating. You had been with each other for two and a half months, James, ever since the end of February, in fact. What happened?"

"You know me," James responded indifferently. "When have any of my relationships lasted?"

"James, don't be flippant with me," the headmaster said sharply. "We both know that you and Lily lasted longer than any other relationship you had had before. From the way things were going, it should have lasted even longer than that. I think I know what happened, but I want to hear your side of the story."

"Why?" James asked softly. All rudeness had left his voice, for he knew Dumbledore could see right through him.

"James, together you and Lily are a powerful pair. I was hoping that once you left Hogwarts you two would decide to enter the Order together, and join forces. Share your powers. If you did that, even Voldemort would have a hard time putting you down," he explained.

James contemplated these words. Finally he spoke again. "I screwed up," he admitted. "Massively. And now she won't forgive me. I don't expect her to, but I wish she would, someday at least."

"I see," the headmaster said quietly. "Do you love her?"

"Yes," James answered bitterly.

"Does she love you?"

"She said she did. Before I ruined everything."

"Then don't ever give up hope. Where there is hope, there may someday be love again," Dumbledore advised. "I would encourage you not to push her though. When Lily is pushed, she tends to run far in the opposite direction."

"I know," James replied. "It's just that…I love her so much, being near her makes me go crazy. I want her back, and I'll do anything…anything at all."

"Then wait for her," the older man answered. "Especially after what's happened now…"

James straightened in his seat. "What happened?" he demanded. "Is Lily okay?"

"That is not for me to say," Dumbledore said abruptly. Fawkes suddenly popped up on his desk with a note. Dumbledore read it and stood up.

"I must go now. Remember what I have said to you. It is all very important."

James nodded, his mind still racing with possible scenarios as to what happened to Lily. He followed Dumbledore out of his office, unable to keep up with his headmaster's long, fierce strides.

* * *

Lily blinked blearily up at Madame Pomfrey. The kind nurse was gazing down at her with large sympathetic eyes. When she saw Lily's eyes flutter open she jumped in surprise.

"Child! You're awake!" she exclaimed. She immediately went to her office for a minute and appeared to be writing a note. Then she appeared back at Lily's bedside.

"What happened?" Lily asked cautiously. She had a feeling something was seriously wrong but she didn't know what it was.

"Well, you see, you received a bit of a nasty shock, and er…" the nurse stumbled.

"Is she awake?" a voice interrupted. Lily turned her head to see Professor Dumbledore standing in the doorway. She attempted a halfhearted hello.

"Lily," he said gravely. "Do you remember what I told you in my office?"

Lily started to shake her head, but as she stared into his light blue eyes, his words started to come back to her.

"_I'm sorry to have to deliver you some terrible news…your parents were at the house when the Death Eaters attacked…both of your parents dead; murdered by the Death Eaters…"_

"No…" Lily whispered.

"It's never an easy thing to go through, Lily. Everyone at Hogwarts will be here to support you."

Lily turned over so she was staring at the wall. She knew it was rude but she wasn't sure if she could bear to look at one more benevolent gaze. It was all so overwhelming…how could her parents is dead? She had just seen them over Christmas and they had been so warm and loving. It was impossible to imagine them gone.

Lily laid there, lost deep in her thoughts, alone in the hospital wing for most of the afternoon. A quiet voice flew her back to earth and slammed her into reality.

"Lily?"

She turned around to see Alice standing by the edge of her bed. Alice crouched down and extended her arms. Lily leaned into them as Alice started to whisper soothing words in her ear.

"I'm so sorry, Lily. I don't know what to do. This is the most terrible, awful thing I've ever heard of happening. If you need anything, just tell me," Alice said softly.

Lily simply lay stiffly on the bed, fighting back tears. The sympathy and love in Alice's voice was too much to take, she was about to lose it all.

"It's okay to cry, Lily. It's good to cry. If you don't let it all out, you'll never be able to start to heal," Alice said encouragingly.

Lily sniffled in Alice's shoulder. She hated crying, especially in front of people.

"Lily, don't try to be tough. Please. It's only making it harder for you."

The last walls broke and Lily felt herself start to weep. Why was life treating her like this? First James, and now her parents, all were gone, in different senses of the word. All were people she had loved and lost, and it didn't seem right to Lily. Hot stinging tears poured down her cheeks and into the fabric of Alice's robes. Alice rubbed her back comfortingly, whispering sweet nothings into Lily's hair.

Lily grasped Alice tightly and held onto her for dear life. She was the closest living person to Lily now, and Lily was scared she'd lose her too. The way Lily's life had been going lately, Lily almost expected it.

"Don't leave me, Alice," she mumbled in fear.

"I'll stay here as long as you need me," Alice replied.

"No, I don't mean that. I mean, never, ever leave me. I need you…" Lily sobbed.

"I'll never leave you," Alice promised. "I'll always be with you whenever you need me. I'll stick by you so much you'll get extremely sick of me. I promise."

Lily hugged her even tighter. "Thank you," she whispered.

"Don't thank me," Alice answered. "I'd do anything for you; you're the best friend I've ever had."

_Happy New Year everybody! I hope your holidays have gone well. I'm sixteen chapters in…not even halfway there. I hope you're in for the long haul! Let me know what you think by dropping me a review…they're very much appreciated! A special thanks to my awesome beta Sierra for getting me extra chapters during the busiest time of the year. Until next week – Rochelle._


	17. Old Memories

Lily was released from the hospital wing the next day. The following month was spent in a state of near oblivion. As long as she didn't think about it, it was almost as if nothing had ever happened. Her parents were still back home in London, it was just an ordinary day, and Lily felt fine. The mask she continued to wear fooled her friends into believing that she was dealing well with her loss.

One morning in May Alice realized that Lily hadn't shown up for any of her classes. She got a pass to go check on her friend and immediately ran for the dorm. She had a suspicion she knew what was happening.

"Lily!" Alice cried, throwing the door open into their room. Lily was lying on her bed crying and shaking.

"They're gone…they're gone…" she was mumbling into her pillow over and over. Alice sat down beside her and started to rub her back soothingly.

"Lily, talk to me," Alice begged.

Lily sat up and looked Alice in the eye. "They're really gone," she whispered.

Alice looked at her in confusion. Lily knew her parents were dead; it'd been a month since the incident. She thought Lily had been handling it so well. Alice didn't know what to say so she kept silent.

"I kept fooling myself into believing that maybe they really weren't gone. Maybe they were still there and I'd go home at the end of the term and they'd be waiting for me. But then…"

"Today's your birthday, isn't it Lily?" Alice asked softly.

"This is the first year I haven't received anything from them! I always got a nice long letter and a gift and this morning nothing came…"

Alice leaned over and took Lily into her arms. She was shocked at how thin her friend had gotten.

"I thought maybe…just maybe…" Lily sniffled.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I'm so sorry."

"Just go, Alice. I want to be alone," Lily replied bitterly.

"Are you sure?" Alice asked reluctantly. "I don't want to leave you."

"Well, I want you to leave!" Lily cried. The look in her eyes was so fierce that Alice pulled away from her.

"I'm sorry you're hurting, Lily. If there's anything I can do for you…"

"Can you bring my parents back?" Lily demanded. Alice shook her head sadly. "Then there's nothing. Absolutely nothing." Lily turned so she was facing the wall. Alice shook her head in defeat and left the room.

Lily heard Alice leave and sighed. Alice meant well, but there was simply nothing she could do.

* * *

James crept quietly closer to the chair in which Lily was sitting. It had been a long while since Lily had hung around down in the common room and he wanted to take advantage of their privacy.

Sixth and seventh year boys persisted in following her around and asking her out, now that she was "on the market" again. Lily quietly sent each on his own way, much to their great disappointment.

Meanwhile, James watched each advance with flames of jealously spiking through his veins, but was always delighted in her response. Perhaps there was hope for him yet.

He sat down in the chair next to her but she didn't look up.

"I…uh…heard about your parents, Lily," he said softly. "I'm really sorry."

Lily looked up at him with lifeless eyes. They hardly seemed green anymore, with all of the light and energy gone from them.

"If you ever want to talk about it, I'm always here for you."

Lily mustered up the energy to send him a scathing glare.

"Just like you were here for me when you were shagging Sonya, right?" she sneered. James reeled and stared at his feet.

"Just leave, James. I told you a month ago to leave me alone and I meant it. Now and forever."

James felt his already broken heart tear itself to shreds as he reluctantly stood up.

"I'm sorry, Lily…" he whispered. "I still love you, you know."

"Don't say that!" she shrieked, leaping out of her chair. She balled her tiny fists by her sides and glared at him with all her might.

"You have no right to say that to me! You have no right, do you hear me?" She reached out and slapped him across the face, hard. Then she turned and fled up the stairs to her dormitory as fast as her legs could carry her.

James stared after her, shaking his head in confusion. He had no clue how to win her back.

"Say something stupid, _again,_ Potter?" a sarcastic voice from behind him asked. He swiveled around to see Sirius watching him incredulously.

"You think you'd learn you're lesson," he continued. His black hair was tousled as if he had been having a good time, but his blue eyes were narrowed. "Lily's my friend, and I hate to see her hurt."

"I thought I was your friend," James said in a low voice.

"You are, James," Sirius answered. "But somehow, I just can't seem to see how you're the one hurting here. Let's see…_her_ boyfriend cheated on _her_, _her_ parents died, _she_ has a crazy ex-boyfriend that won't leave her alone…"

"That's because I love her," James interrupted.

"Than let her be!" Sirius cried in exasperation. "She doesn't want you anymore, Prongs. You have to respect that."

"But how? I can't stop myself from wanting her!" James sounded almost desperate and Sirius almost pitied him.

"You should have thought of that before you cheated on her, James. I don't know what to tell you. You just have to …move on, I guess. I could fix you up with a nice girl…" he suggested hopefully.

"I don't want another girl. I want Lily," James growled.

Sirius shook his head. He knew what James wanted, and he knew James wouldn't have agreed to the plan. It was better off anyway, because Lily would have been only more hurt to see James dating someone else.

"Then go move to Australia, James, because there's no hope for you here."

* * *

Lily packed her trunk methodically, hardly believing that sixth year was over and it was really time to go home. Except for the fact that she wasn't going home. Not really, because neither of her parents would be there. She was already seventeen, so she was able to live alone for the summer months, but she really didn't want to. She hated being alone.

That was one of the best parts about dating James. He had been there for her twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. She was never lonely when she had him…

"Shut up!" she commanded herself fiercely. "You never really had James. It was a farce!"

"Um, Lily, are you all right over there?" Alice asked cautiously, looking up from her own trunk.

"I'm fine," Lily replied, smiling weakly.

Alice stood up and moved over to hug Lily.

"I'm going to miss you," she whispered into her ear. Lily hugged her back tightly. Then an idea popped into her head.

"Alice, do you know what you should do?" she burst out with more excitement than she had had in a long time.

"What's that?" Alice asked, happy to see Lily's eyes finally light up for a moment.

"Move in with me over the summer. I…I really don't want to go back to my house alone, it would be much nicer if you'd live there too!"

Alice's mind reeled. She _was_ seventeen. She was a legal adult by wizarding standards. And Lily really shouldn't be left alone in that big old house with the memory that her parents had died there…

"Yes!" Alice exclaimed. "I'll do it."

"Really?" Lily asked, her voice hopeful.

"Yes," Alice said in a definitive tone of voice. "I'm going with you."

* * *

Lily took a deep breath and pushed open the door to her house. She really didn't want to see it. In her mind the bodies of her murdered parents still lie on the floor and the house was in ruins from the Death Eater's cavorting.

The more practical part of her mind wasn't surprised to find a clean house empty of any bodies whatsoever. It was empty of nearly everything, actually, Lily thought, remembering the days when her parents would have been rushing up to greet her, with warm smiles and arms reaching to pull her into the house.

Petunia, too, was gone. She had gathered her belongings and moved into a small flat in London. As she had written in her final letter to Lily, the house only "served to remind her of her parents and how Lily had brought them to their tragic demise."

Alice, who was right behind Lily, placed a comforting arm around her shoulder. "C'mon, Lily, let's put our bags upstairs."

Lily walked slowly through the rooms of the house, memories of her parents flooding her mind in each of them. The living room, where they had always spent evenings together. The kitchen had been where they ate breakfast every morning. The hallway where they would always crash into each other as they rushed about their morning business.

Tears started to slip down her cheeks for the first time since her birthday. Seeing the house was more overwhelming than she had ever dreamed it could be.

She placed her bags in her bedroom and walked to the room where Alice was going to be sleeping. Alice was starting to put away her robes and other items in the closet.

Alice looked at Lily's tearstained face and gave a sympathetic sigh. "You know what I think we need to do, Lily?"

"What?" Lily asked heavily, flopping down on Alice's bed.

"I think we need to redecorate the whole house. And not with magic either, by going shopping the Muggle way."

"Redecorate?" Lily echoed.

"Yes," Alice answered firmly. "You're never going to heal if every time you enter a room it brings back all the memories. It's good to remember your parents, but you can't think about them every moment of the day. Going shopping and decorating will keep us busy and productive."

"But how can I, Alice? This is how the house has always been, I can't change it," Lily said.

"If you're going to live in it, you have to. You need a place without memories. A place where you can be happy, not sad all the time," Alice said, sitting on the bed next to Lily. "Why don't we give you a couple of days with the house as it is, and then on Thursday we'll go shopping."

"Do you really think I need to?" Lily asked, hating the weak tone of her voice.

"Yes, I really do," Alice answered, giving Lily a hug.

"Then we'll do it," Lily said, rolling over so she was staring at the ceiling.

That Thursday the girls headed to downtown London to a big department store that would have all of their supplies. They shopped both Thursday and Friday for new wallpaper, rugs, framed paintings, lamps, sofas, chairs, everything they could think of for the house. Lily's parents had a considerable amount of money saved up that they had left to her, so cost was of no consideration.

The rest of the weekend they recruited Dorcas, Emmeline, and Marlene to help move the furniture and put up the wallpaper and such. By Sunday night all five were exhausted and hardly able to move. The house however, looked in excellent shape, with a much more light and modern look than it previously had had.

"Thank you, girls," Lily said quietly. "It looks wonderful." Then to her dismay, she started to cry again. All four converged on her and wrapped their arms around each other.

"It's okay, Lil, we understand," Marlene whispered soothingly. "It's hard to change it…but it's okay to change things. Your parents wouldn't have wanted you to sit and dwell on sadness all the time." Lily sniffled and wiped up the last of her tears.

"I'm sorry I keep crying. You know me, I normally never cry," she said wryly. "I just can't seem to control myself anymore."

"Don't worry about it," Dorcas said, waving her hand dismissively. "That's what we're here for."

"Would you care for some tea?" Emmeline suggested. "I can go set some water boiling."

"That'd be nice," Lily replied. "But you're my guest, you shouldn't have to do it. I can handle it."

Emmeline rolled her dark green eyes at her and took off for the kitchen. Alice grabbed Lily's hand and pulled her to the couch.

"C'mon, Lily. Let's all sit down while we wait for our tea." Lily followed Alice to the new blue couch they had bought and sat down gingerly. The house, which looked wonderful she had to admit, was going to take some getting used to.

* * *

"Lily…please?" Alice pleaded. She looked at Lily with her big blue eyes open wide. "This is the first time I've ever lived away from my parents…besides school of course. I really want to go."

"Well, go ahead then," Lily replied. "What's it got to do with me anyway?"

"It won't be any fun if you're not there…" Alice's imploring eyes were driving Lily crazy. When the other three girls had been there, they had provided more than enough entertainment, but now that they had left, things were silent and still in the house.

"Fine!" Lily finally gave in. "I'll go out with you tonight on one condition."

"Anything!" Alice grinned at Lily and fiddled with her blonde hair.

"We're going to a Muggle nightclub. Not a wizarding one…"

"A Muggle nightclub?" Alice echoed. "Muggles…have night clubs?"

"Of course," Lily answered in annoyance. "What do you think they do at night? Sit home and twiddle their thumbs?"

"Oh, no," Alice answered hurriedly. "I…I guess I just don't think about Muggles much. But if that's what you want…"

"It's what I want."

_Hey everyone, here's another chapter for you! Please send me a review to let me know what you think…I love hearing from you! A big thanks to everyone who reviewed last time, as well as Sierra, my beta! - Rochelle _


	18. Boys of Summer

"Whoa, Lily…you're really stepping out tonight." Alice did a double take at her friend's appearance. Lily wore tight black pants, a deep red tank top, a tiny black sweater, and black sandals with thick platform heels. Her fiery red hair was arranged in tousled waves around her face. She had on black eyeliner that accentuated the emerald green of her eyes, and more makeup than Alice had seen her wearing in a long time…To be precise, Alice hadn't seen Lily looking so amazing since the day after James had cheated on her.

Now if only Lily would try smiling. Alice hadn't seen her smile since…the day James had cheated on her.

"Yeah, well, I thought if we were going to go, I might as well try look semi-decent," Lily replied flatly.

"You look gorgeous," Alice reassured her. She searched Lily's face for an emotion, yet there was none. The emptiness in Lily's eyes couldn't be camouflaged with even the heavy makeup she wore.

"Thanks," Lily replied, studying her deep red nails in disinterest. "Are you ready to go or what?"

Alice nodded slowly. Lily was acting…strange, as if she were bored stiff.

"Good. I'm dying to get out of here," Lily continued in that same flat voice.

"Well then," Alice began, fidgeting in discomfort. "Let's get going, shall we?"

The two girls walked out of the house and headed for the Evans' car.

"Are you sure you know how to drive this thing?" Alice asked as she tried to figure out how her seatbelt worked.

"Yes. Alice, you pull on the belt and clip it into that thing right there." Lily pointed to where the belt buckled. Then she revved up the engine and took off through the night

"Where are we going?" Alice asked, clutching the dashboard.

"Rosalia's." Lily answered, swerving to avoiding a piece of debris on the road. Alice yelped and held on a little tighter to the dashboard.

"Is…is it a good place to go?"

"It's a good place to go without getting carded." Lily kept her eyes focused straight ahead, on the road. Finally Petunia had provided useful; Lily would never have known about Rosalia's if Petunia hadn't talked about all the sinful girls she knew that frequented the place.

"Carded?" Alice echoed. _Since when does Lily know all the best places to go to drink?_

"You know, when they check your I.D." Lily explained in irritation. Alice almost told her that she had known what being carded meant, but Lily was acting so strange that she didn't want to cause any disruption between the two of them.

Lily stopped and parked the car in front of an old, falling down building, illuminated by a streetlight.

"This is it?" Alice asked cautiously.

"No," Lily answered, her tone of voice a little softer. "You don't think we're going to get a parking place directly in front of a London nightclub, do you?" Alice smiled in relief to hear Lily's voice finally start to return almost back to normal.

"Is everything all right, Lily?" Alice studied Lily's face, which was full of shadows from the streetlights overhead.

"Of course." Then Lily sighed. "No, everything's not okay. It's just that…it feels so strange to be doing this…it's the first time since…" she trailed off. "Never mind. I'm just being a sentimental fool. I'm fine."

Alice knew that Lily was thinking of how it was the first party of sorts without James. Normally James was the life of every party and dance at Hogwarts, and he dragged Lily into the excitement with him. This time, Lily would be alone.

"Hey, just think of it as a time to cut loose," Alice offered. "Don't think about…things…tonight. Just let go…"

Lily turned to look at Alice. "I might just do that."

"Good. Hey, we're here," Alice replied, looking at the elegant script spelling out "Rosalia's". "How do I look?" She touched her fine blond hair nervously. She had looked pretty when she was getting dressed, but now next to Lily she felt like a dud.

"You look great," Lily said softly, appraising the hot pants and sequined bandeau Alice wore. The ensemble gave a more innocent look than Lily's outfit, but it suited Alice entirely. The blues set off her deep blue eyes perfectly.

"Thanks." Alice grabbed Lily's hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "If we get split up, let's agree to meet back here at one-thirty," she said as they entered the club. Lily nodded absently, surveying the crowd of people within.

"All right, Lily?" Alice asked. Lily nodded again, and Alice smiled. "C'mon, then. Let's get this party started."

Lily let Alice propel her through the throng of people. She really wasn't quite sure what she was doing here. She had never been to a nightclub in her life. Yet the throbbing disco music and the wild energy of the dancers appealed to her, in the looseness of it all. Nobody here was worrying or remembering. Everyone was simply having a good time.

"Hey, babe, wanna dance?" a cute blonde haired guy asked her as she made her way by him.

Lily stared at him, unsure of what to do. The last person she had ever danced with was James…a feeling of defiance ran through her and she took the guy's hand.

"Just one thing…" she said as they started to move.

"What's that?" he asked, tilting his head. His gray eyes captured Lily's and she felt a small thrill run through her body. His eyes were gorgeous.

"You can't call me babe. It makes me feel like a child." He winked and laughed.

"No problem…I wasn't thinking of you like a child when I called you that, if it makes you feel any better." He winked one of his velvety gray eyes at her.

"Another thing," Lily said, pushing back a stray strand of hair. "No cheesy lines…I hate them…"

He looked surprised, but then laughed again. "From now on I promise, no lines, no nicknames. Is that it?"

"That'll do it," Lily replied, shimmying a little. He smiled at her and moved closer, which she hadn't thought possible. Lily sighed. He might be gorgeous, but she wasn't here to get attached, she was here to forget. She just had to figure out how to handle the look in his eyes that told her he already wanted her, badly.

After a couple of dances, Lily slipped out of his grasp and ducked away from him.

"Hey, where're you going?" he asked in surprise.

"I'm going to get a quick drink of water," she lied, pointing to the water fountain nearby. "I'll be right back." Before he could say anything she quickly made her way off of the dance floor and sat down in a chair close to the bar.

As soon as she sat down a flash of red bounded over to her. She looked up in surprise to see a boy, possibly a year older than her, maybe more, sitting across the table from her. He had floppy red curls and freckles that gave him an innocent look as he grinned charmingly at her.

"You know what you look like you need?" he asked gravely.

"What's that?" she asked.

"A drink. I was standing over there," he gestured energetically over his right shoulder, "and I saw you, and I knew it was fate. Maybe it's the way our red hair matches, but I knew we were meant to be together." When she looked alarmed he grinned with so much enthusiasm she thought he might burst. "For tonight only, I mean. I am all for good times, but I seem to have issues in the commitment area." He shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "what can I do?"

Lily was amazed at the amount of energy he seemed to give off. Even sitting there in the chair, he was bouncing his knee and tapping his fingers at an alarming pace on the tabletop. Without even thinking she reached out a hand to stop them.

"Has anyone ever mentioned that you seem sort of…hyper?" she frowned.

"Oh, yeah, all the time." He bobbed his head up and down, up and down. "It's all a part of my boyish charm. Seriously though, has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful? My name's Joey by the way." He spoke so fast it was almost as if he feared that he had to get all of his numerous thoughts out before somebody cut him off.

Lily stared at him with a dazed expression before finally sticking out her hand. "I'm Lily." He took her hand, but instead of shaking it, he pulled her up.

"Lily. That's a nice name. C'mon, let's go get something to drink." Lily stared at him in amazement as she felt herself being pulled towards the bar. This guy…was so full of energy that he overwhelmed the slower, less animated person Lily had become.

"Here, it's on me," he said, handing her a beer. He pulled her back to the table they had been sitting at. Lily couldn't help but wonder why everyone felt the need to push, pull, and propel her everywhere. It didn't seem to occur to people that Lily could make it there herself.

"Thank you," she said slowly, taking the beer. She slowly took a sip of it as he watched her carefully.

"So, Lily, tell me. Why are you so sad when you're in such a great place?" He opened his big blue eyes innocently at her.

"Me? Sad?" Lily echoed. "What would make you think that?" She twisted a lock of hair around her forefinger.

"Your eyes are sad," he observed. "And you never smile."

"What's there to smile about?"

Joey tilted his head and considered it. "Well…you are sitting and talking with an amazing person…"

"My smiles are hard earned," Lily told him, taking another big drink of her beer.

"Ah…a serious girl. I noticed you sitting here all alone and looking so sad, so I just had to come over. Spread some of the Joey-cheer, you know?" He grinned at her. "Wanna dance?"

Lily drained the rest of her beer and nodded. "You know me, I'm a party girl."

"Actually, I don't really know you. But I like party girls, because I'm sort of a party guy."

Lily was amazed by the rate at which he moved and talked. On the dance floor, however, they were equals, because when they were out there talking was not an option. They could only dance, which Lily was quite skilled at. After a few more dances and a few more beers, Joey left Lily sitting at the table.

"You're a gorgeous girl, Lily, but I think you're kind of drunk. And not only do I have issues with commitment, but I'm not very good at handling drunk girls," he told her as he got up. "I hope you find a ride home so you don't have to drive."'

Lily, who admittedly was a little drunk, watched him go. _I don't need him anyway…who is he to tell me I'm drunk?_ She stood up and walked over to a smooth looking man at the bar.

"Buy a girl a drink?" she asked coyly. _I don't care what Joey or anyone else might say. Tonight is my night to cut loose and forget it all. Everything…James, my parents…_

The man looked her up and down appraisingly. "Sure, name your poison."

"A tequila will do," Lily said, sitting down on the stool next to him. When the drink came she took a large swallow. The more and more she drank; the less and less she hurt. It was as simple as that…

_I'm a bit late this weekend, but that's my fault. I was too tired to edit/post it yesterday, so I waited until today. For all those who don't have school (Martin Luther King Jr. Day), have fun using your day off to read fanfiction! Drop me a review to let me know what you think. Until next weekend…Rochelle_


	19. Summer's End

Alice wove through the crowd searching for Lily. She had waited at the door for twenty minutes, but Lily hadn't shown up. She searched the dance floor, but couldn't see Lily. She searched the bathrooms, but Lily wasn't there either. Finally she checked the bar, out of pure whim, even though she doubted the conservative Lily would be there.

To Alice's shock and dismay, Lily was there, holding a margarita glass dangling from her fingers. Her skin was sickly white and her hair lay limp and damp around her face. Her eyes looked cloudy, as if she weren't really there.

"Lily?" Alice called as she approached her. Lily turned unsteadily on her stool.

"Alice…" she slurred. "What time is it?"

"Ten to two," Alice replied flatly. "And it's time to go home."

"I don't want to go home, I'm having a good time," Lily protested. "For once in my life."

The man sitting next to her put his hand on Lily's arm. "I can take her home," he smiled sleazily.

"No need for that, she's coming with me," Alice said coldly. She pulled the protesting Lily off of the stool and helped her to stand up. Lily leaned heavily on her with one arm around Alice's neck to keep from falling over.

Almost as soon as they got out into the night, Lily turned her head away and puked onto the sidewalk.

"I don't think I feel so good," she mumbled, before puking again. Alice knelt down with her and rubbed her back soothingly. When Lily was able to continue, they walked to her car.

Alice stared at the car, and then at Lily. Lily was in obviously no condition to drive, but Alice had never sat behind the wheel of a car in her life. The first time she'd _been_ in a car had been on the way to Rosalia's.

Sighing in defeat, she placed Lily in the passenger seat and walked slowly over to the driver's seat. By the time she sat down, Lily had already fallen asleep.

"Lily, what am I supposed to do?" she cried in frustration, looking blankly at the key she held in her hand. Trying to remember what she had seen Lily do, she placed it in the ignition and turned it. The engine roared to life with such ferocity that she panicked and turned it off.

"Okay, that's how you turn it on," she laughed nervously. She slowly twisted the key again and started the car.

She stared at the gearshift. At the moment, it pointed to "P". That must mean "park" she assumed. Hopefully "D" meant drive, because that's what she was going to switch it to.

Once the car was in drive Alice tentatively placed her foot on the pedals. She tried the first one her foot hit. The car roared forwards and almost hit the car parked in front of them. Alice shuddered and slammed on the other pedal. The car stopped.

"Okay, that was the go…" She carefully eased out of the parking space and into the street. The roads were almost deserted, which was definitely good for her. Driving as slowly as she possibly could, Alice cautiously maneuvered the car throughout the streets of London. She thought Lily had done something that made lights blink on and off when she turned, but she had no idea what that might be.

Luckily, Alice managed to get them home safely.

"Lily, when you come out of your drunken little stupor you are going to be in so much trouble," she growled at Lily's sleeping form once they were in the driveway. Her nerves were fried from the experience and her heart was pounding from fright.

"Wake up," she commanded, poking Lily in the side. "You're too heavy to carry."

Once Lily opened her eyes, Alice helped her out of the car and into the house. She left Lily lying on the couch in the living room, as it would have been way too much to heft her up the stairs.

Alice sighed. When she suggested that Lily let loose and have fun at the club, she hadn't meant for that to happen. She had never dreamed that Lily would even consider getting drunk, although, of course, she might not have intended to. The old Lily was one who protested heatedly the presence of firewhiskey at any of the parties Gryffindor had.

Quickly changing into her pajamas, Alice willed herself to fall asleep fast. She was going to have a rough morning with Lily.

* * *

Lily opened her eyes and blinked blearily. Her head was throbbing with a ferocity she had never experienced before. Staring at the clock that hung on the living room wall, she realized that it was already noon.

She swung her legs carefully over the side of the couch and stood. The room began to spin and she sat heavily back down. When the dizziness faded, she tried again. Once she had managed to stand up steadily, she made her way into the kitchen. Alice was already there, dressed and everything.

"You look…like you're not feeling well," Alice commented tactfully.

"Tell me about it," Lily moaned.

"I happen…to have brewed a bit of a remedy for that hangover," Alice said, holding up a bottle filled with nasty green liquid. "It should help you quite a bit."

Lily took the bottle skeptically. "You're sure this works?"

"I've never taken it myself, but many others swear by it."

Lily examined the bottle, and then considered the tremendous pain in her head. She unscrewed the top and took a deep gulp. Immediately her head began to clear and her vision became less blurry.

"Ahh…" she sighed. "That feels better."

"I thought you might need it after last night," Alice replied, cleaning up some dishes with her wand.

"Yeah…last night was fun. The first good time I've had in a while."

Alice spun around and gaped at Lily. "Fun?"

"Of course," Lily replied frowning. "Didn't you have a good time?"

"Well, yes, I did," Alice answered. "But…"

"But what?"

"Lily, you were smashed last night! You were completely drunk!" Alice cried, throwing up her hands in disbelief.

"So?"

"So…hello…does that not make you think a little bit? Since when you considered getting drunk a 'good time'?"

"Since I decided to cut loose and live a little," Lily shot back, her eyes narrowed. "I do believe that you were the one who encouraged me to have a little fun."

"But not like that!"

"You know what, you do what you want, I'll do what I want. I don't need you judging me. I had fun last night, and that's something I haven't been able to say in a long time. It was just what I needed."

Alice opened her mouth, and then shut it. She didn't know what to say.

"As a matter of fact," Lily continued, "I'm going out again tonight. And I definitely don't need you hanging on me like a deadweight."

* * *

Lily carefully applied the deep red lipstick, studying herself in her mirror. As sure of herself as she had sounded, deep inside she had no idea as to what she was doing.

This wasn't her. Lily had always been a good girl. Not boring, necessarily, but not the type of girl who thought getting drunk and then laid was a good time. Yet, now, that was what she was going out to do.

_James._

He had always loved her as she had been: fresh faced, vibrant, and innocent. He had told her how he would never love a girl more than her, how no girl could compare to Lily, how Lily was his ideal.

Then he had cheated on her.

Lily had never realized just how deeply she loved him. Sure, she had said the words, and she had meant them, but she had never fully comprehended what they meant. It was a deep giving of one's self to another, placing one's self entirely into another's hands. Trusting that they would do everything, anything in their power to protect the heart they had been given. When they so carelessly flung it to the ground, to be stomped on and ground into the dirt, it hurt so terribly that Lily knew she would never love like that again.

And never would she feel any sort of feelings towards James again. Just the thought of his charming grin, his deep charybdis eyes, and his warm embraces made hot tears prick at the back of her eyes, made her want to scream her fury to the world.

But Lily never cried. Lily never showed her emotions. Instead she faced the world with a façade of cool indifference, a façade that she hoped would only become real soon enough.

If she flushed all the memories of James out of her system, possibly all the traces of the girl she had once been would be gone too.

That girl was no good. Worthless. She had been cheated, betrayed, she had been weak. Lily would never be weak again. Never would she let a man have her heart and then break it. She would never let a man have her heart at all. It would really be best, Lily decided, if she didn't have a heart at all.

She pulled back from the mirror and looked herself over. She looked like a girl ready for a party, no strings attached. And that was exactly what Lily meant to be from then on.

* * *

Alice carefully closed another bottle of the hangover potion Lily had been in such constant demand of. It was almost unbearable to watch what Lily was doing to herself, but Alice knew that she couldn't leave. If she left Lily now, Lily would be completely alone in the world. She would always have, of course, the other four girls, and even Sirius and Remus, but none of them were as close to Lily as she was, or even able to be there for Lily as completely as Alice was.

So Alice stayed, watching Lily go out every night in tight, revealing clothing, and coming home the next morning, unsteady on her feet, her hair mussed and all traces of the previous night's makeup worn off.

No matter how many times Alice tried to talk to Lily about it, Lily ignored her. She didn't want lectures about drinking, sex, or other foolish behavior. Alice didn't really know what Lily wanted at all, other than to continue her wild night activities.

Instead of lecturing, then, Alice gave up and let Lily do as she pleased. Alice, whose parents weren't tremendously well off, went out and got a job as a salesperson at a local department store. Even though she had all her living expenses taken care of, the spending money throughout the next year would definitely be needed.

The summer began to fall into a routine. Alice would go to work each morning, as Lily was stumbling home, and come back in the afternoon before Lily left for the night. The two would spend time together, and then Lily would take off, and Alice would go to bed.

As unsettling as Lily's actions were, Alice was helpless, and so she gave up trying to stop them. The summer flew by then, and soon they had received their Hogwarts letters, for their final year as students.

_Hola, everybody! Hey, that's an idea…translate My Immortal into Spanish…There's only one problem; I'm not fluent en espanol. In the meantime, I'll continue to update weekly in English. Send me a review to let me know what you think – reviews and critiques are incredibly valuable. Until next week - Rochelle_


	20. Return

Lily surveyed her new quarters coolly, her expression one of neither distaste or pleasure. Albus Dumbledore was standing beside her, and next to him, was James.

"You will share this common room," Dumbledore was saying, "and a bathroom. Over here are your rooms, Lily's to the left, James's to the right. You will see a door in each of your rooms that leads to the bathroom."

Lily followed him in silence as he walked throughout the rooms. She had to admit that the place was gorgeous. The common room was done in Gryffindor colors, deep red couches and armchairs with gold accents throughout the cozy room. The room was much smaller than the Gryffindor common room, which was understandable considering that it was only for two people. In the back of the room were two mahogany desks set up next to each other, creating a study area. Lining the back wall were bookcases full of books of every genre.

"You will find that these bookshelves will be quite useful," Dumbledore said as he saw Lily examining them. "You simply have to wish for any book that we have in our regular library, and it will appear on the shelves. This will give you a place to study without the distractions of the rest of the student body. As the Head Boy and Head Girl, you will have a considerable amount of responsibility, and the absence of others will be a blessing."

Lily's room was done in shades of sea green and light blue, creating an oceanic feeling. Her bed had a green comforter and hangings, and there was an overstuffed pale blue chair in the corner of the room, next to the enormous bay windows overlooking the castle grounds and lake.

"I will stay here," she told Dumbledore, "and start to unpack my bags while you show James his room. If you need me, call me."

Dumbledore's blue eyes studied her carefully as he nodded. "I think I have told you all I need to for the moment. You will have your first meeting with Professor McGonagall and myself tonight at seven o'clock. Come to my office at that time."

Lily groaned inwardly. She would have to spend time with James whether she wished to or not. When his name had been read off as Head Boy, Lily had been shocked. James, one of the biggest troublemakers of the year, was Head Boy. Although, when he was pursuing Lily, and while he had her, he had cut down on his activities considerably…

Remembering that she was the Head Girl, she felt as if she had been knocked backwards. Dumbledore knew what had happened between the two of them. How could he consider making them spend the rest of the year working together, living in such close quarters?

"I will be there," Lily answered finally. James, who was standing awkwardly in the entry to her room, put in his agreement. Without looking like she was studying him, Lily studied him closely. His dark brown hair was still as messy as ever, and the same long dark eyelashes fringed his light-flecked hazel eyes.

At one time, Lily had memorized his face. She had loved it, caressed it when she was with him, wished to see it when he was gone, and had seen it in her dreams.

Now it held all the memories of his betrayal.

Dumbledore smiled at her and walked out of the room. James followed, if somewhat reluctantly.

Once they were gone into James's room, Lily flung herself down on her bed. Seeing James was making her heart ache with all the pain from the previous year. Throughout the summer she had found …ways to make herself forget what had happened, but at Hogwarts, living with James, she could not escape.

"You can't spend your time thinking about him!" she commanded herself fiercely. She jumped off of her bed and shrugged out of her robes. They were making her hot. Then she grabbed her trunk. Pulling out her clothes and robes, she started hanging them in the closet of her room. Finally, she grabbed her toiletries and headed for the bathroom.

James was in there, putting his own things away. Lily spun on her heel and began to walk back into her room.

"Wait, you don't have to leave, Lily. I was…just going," James called after her. Lily turned around and stared at him. His eyes were open wide, with a slightly pained expression. She sneered. After all this time he was still hoping that she was going to take him back. It was too bad really, because that was the last thing that Lily was going to do.

"There isn't any change in your feelings for me, is there Lily?" he asked, his voice a mixture of hope and desolation.

"I thought you said you were just leaving," Lily said coldly. James blinked in surprise.

"Er…yes, I was," he mumbled. He turned around and dejectedly walked back into his own room.

Lily stood there and stared at herself in the mirror. What changes her life had experienced over the last year. At the beginning of sixth year, James had been nothing but a slight nuisance, always being a pest, but nothing to her especially. A year ago, her parents had been there to see her off to Hogwarts, her mother crying as she always did when Lily left, her father shouting words of encouragement as Lily boarded the train.

Now Lily stood in front of the mirror, family-less (except for Petunia, who was much older and had written her off years ago), empty, and alone. She still had Alice, of course, and probably Marlene, Emmeline, and Dorcas, although she hadn't talked to them at all since they had left her house.

Still, inside she felt as if she were swimming alone against a strong current that was continually forcing her back. Back to all the memories and pain that she was trying so hard to forget.

Lily put toothbrush and toothpaste in the cabinet next to the sink. She placed her shampoo and conditioner in the large shower. Her reflection in the mirror as she moved around caught her, and once again she stared into it.

Even her physical appearance had changed. She wore tight black pants and a cropped black top, accentuating the slightness of her body. She had dropped at least fifteen pounds over the summer, pounds she hadn't needed to lose. Her belly button was bared, along with her belly button ring, with its shiny emerald gleaming.

She wore black eyeliner and deep red lipstick, in contrast to the fresh-faced look she had preferred the year before. On both ears she had accumulated multiple piercings, in which she had placed little silver rings.

Lily smirked. The Lily Evans of the year before had been innocent and young. This Lily had experience and an attitude to go with it.

* * *

James sat down in the large navy blue chair in his room. The room had been decorated much like his room at home, with a dark blue plaid comforter, blue hangings, and red accents. It was a nice room, but James was too distracted to notice.

He hadn't seen Lily at all over the summer, and now he was living with her. Admittedly she wouldn't even give him the time of day, but there was always hope. No matter what else, James would always hold out hope for Lily.

She had changed over the summer. James smiled to himself as he remembered Lily glaring at him as she told him to leave the bathroom. Her emerald green eyes had flashed delightfully at him as he had stared at her.

Last year Lily had appealed to him with her cheerful, natural look. He had thought her gorgeous, and of course, still did. This year, on top if it all, Lily was drop dead sexy. The makeup she wore set off her bright eyes, and the glossy red of her lips made him want to take her and kiss her over and over again until all her lipstick was kissed off.

Of course, considering she hated him, he knew that wouldn't be happening any time soon. He would have to content himself with simply looking for the time being.

James heard a faint knocking sound and peered out into the common room. Someone was at the door.

When he opened it, Sirius was standing there grinning at him.

"Prongs…." he began, and then he whistled. "Not too shabby." Sirius walked around the room and then flung himself onto one of the couches.

"Nice place. I thought it would be awful with you up here and us all in the Gryffindor rooms, but now we can have really swinging parties in here. Or, nice private little parties if you know what I mean…" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Sirius…" James groaned. "I'm not having nice little private parties up here."

Sirius sat up and stared at him in disbelief. "You're not? But you have the perfect place."

"But I don't have the perfect girl," James said quietly. Sirius's eyebrows shot up and he jumped off of the couch.

"C'mon, James. Which room is yours? We need to have a little talk."

"I thought we had gone over this," Sirius ranted once they were both in the privacy of James's room. "You were going to get back to Hogwarts and forget all about Lily. It's never going to work, James. She's not going to take you back after what you did. So you were going to move on!" He shouted the last few words.

"I know," James said miserably. "But then I saw her…and all my resolutions went flying right out the window. She looks amazing, Padfoot. You only saw her down in the Great Hall…but up close, and without her robes on…" James trailed off, a dazed grin on his face.

"James," Sirius said, walking over to stand in front of James. "You have got to get over her. You're going to drive her crazy with your rampant pursuit of her, and yourself mad when she constantly rejects you. For both of your sakes, forget her!" He grabbed James by the shoulders and shook him.

"Where did the old James Potter go? You swore you were never going to get serious over a girl. Then you dated Lily for two months…which is NOT long enough to be that serious…and you've spent that last four months mooning over her. This is not good; it's not good at all." Sirius began to pace the room anxiously.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" James asked somewhat angrily. "I will do what I want to do."

"I can't ignore it when you're doing something that's going to hurt two of my friends. One being you, and the other being Lily. She wants to forget, she wants to move on. Let her do that, if you care about her at all!"

"I can't."

"You have to!"

"I won't."

"Yes, you will."

The two boys stood face to face, glaring at each other.

"You will not hurt Lily," Sirius growled. "And you will not drive yourself crazy over her. I am going to do anything I can to stop you." With that he turned and strode quickly out of the bedroom.

Sirius walked over to Lily's door and knocked softly.

"Who is it?" she called suspiciously.

"Me!" he called as he threw the door open. She saw him and her wary face softened.

"Sirius!" She flung her arms around him. "I haven't seen you in so long. You should have wrote to me over the summer."

Sirius looked slightly ashamed. "I know…I didn't know if you wanted to be alone or not, but I should have tried. I just thought that maybe you needed to be by yourself for a little while."

"It's okay. I did need some alone time, but I would have liked to hear from you. It goes both ways though, I didn't write you either."

Sirius took a step back and looked her up and down. "Looking pretty good, Evans. What do you say you and I hook up again?" He gave her a sly smile and winked a bright blue eye at her.

"Only if I can be on top," Lily answered, smirking at him. Sirius did a double take.

"Wow, we really do need to get together. I'm liking this." Lily shook her head and shoved him playfully.

"Oh, get over yourself," she said, sitting down on her bed. "You know that you and I are definitely not happening."

Sirius laughed. One of the things he liked best about Lily was that he never had to worry about romantic entanglements. Since they had split up, they had remained just friends, and they both liked it that way. Lily had never flirted so outrageously with him before, but he knew that they were both just joking around.

"How are you doing?" he asked, sitting down beside her.

"I'm all right. A little annoyed right now, that I have to share this place with James, but otherwise I'm fine." She looked at him cautiously.

"I told him to back off, Lily. I really did. He had sworn he was going to leave you alone, and I told him he needed to keep that promise, but he's having a hard time accepting that you two are through."

Lily sighed. James had the thickest head of anyone she knew, and the relentless energy to follow through with his pursuits.

"I really hate having to see him," she said. "I'm not really hurt or angry anymore; I've gotten over that. I just…really dislike him. And I dislike remembering what happened last year," she added softly.

Lily looked so small and forlorn that Sirius wrapped his arms around her in a friendly hug.

"I know, Lily. If he's bothering you, just tell me. He's my friend, but I don't have a problem with telling him to back off. He should know better. He never really did have any common sense, though."

Lily didn't say anything. It was clear that she was done talking. Sirius sighed and held her a little tighter. It hurt to realize that the happy version of Lily still wasn't returning, but he hoped that being with all her friends would eventually help her go back to normal.

Whatever normal was anyway.

_Hey everyone! I know I'm a bit late on this one, I'm quite sorry about that.It was a fun chapter to write though.I enjoyed bringing Lily back to Hogwarts, where she will be confronted by old friends, old memories, and so much more. Let me know what you think! Any ideas, comments, or critiques are welcome, so drop me a review. Thanks to all those who have been faithfully reviewing, and my wonderful beta Sierra. Until next week. –Rochelle_


	21. Great Expectations

"Your first big duty as Heads will be to plan the Halloween Party we are holding this year. It can be a ball, a haunted castle, anything you choose it to be. But a word of warning; you must work together if you expect anything to get accomplished, do you understand?" Dumbledore stared down at Lily and James through his half moon spectacles, his normally twinkling silvery blue eyes serious.

McGonagall, sitting to the left of his desk, nodded in agreement, her eyes also grave.

"Of course," James said, a bit of worry in his voice. Lily remained silent. She was not going to agree to work with James for anything.

"Miss Evans?" Dumbledore prompted. "We need your full cooperation."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I just don't see how I can agree to work with him," Lily said, her lips taut with displeasure.

"As Head Girl, Miss Evans, it will be necessary for you to do so."

"With all due respect sir, I didn't ask to be Head Girl. I certainly didn't ask to be stuck with _him_ for a year." Lily tried to keep a polite expression on her face but being in the presence of James made her eyes narrow and her mouth tighten with annoyance.

"Really, Lily," McGonagall remarked, her face shocked, "I expected better of you."

"Perhaps you expect too much," Lily replied. "I will gladly resign my position as Head Girl, so you can choose another, more willing, student to work with James." She crossed her arms over her chest in defiance.

"No," Dumbledore said quietly. "I chose you, Lily, and you will remain Head Girl. But I cannot have hard feelings between my top two students. You are responsible for being the students' voice. You must work together to make sure that everyone is kept happy, contented, and safe."

"As long as James and I are your top two students, Professor, there will never be anything but hard feelings between us," Lily said coldly, standing up from her seat. Her black skirt swayed softly over her legs and her long red hair fanned out as she turned around to walk out.

"Miss Evans, sit back down." Dumbledore spoke using tone of voice that Lily had never heard before. It sent chills up and down her spine and she stopped dead in her tracks.

Slowly, Lily returned to her seat. McGonagall was still watching her with an expression of horror on her face, and James looked quite embarrassed and ashamed.

"I'm sorry, sir, if I have been disrespectful, but you ask too much of me."

"I am well aware of what happened last year, between you and Mr. Potter. I realize that what occurred is not an event that is easily forgotten. However, it is imperative that you move on and work together, Lily. More is at stake than you could ever know." Dumbledore sounded as if he were desperate, pleading nearly.

"I don't understand, sir."

"I don't expect you to. I hoped to not have to tell you, but perhaps it will be necessary. Let's see, where shall I begin?" He tapped his fingers thoughtfully on his desk. "Have you ever heard of a man called Tom Riddle?"

"No."

"Lord Voldemort?"

"Yes, sir…isn't it him who…who murdered my parents?"

"Yes, Lily, it was. James, have you?"

"Yes, sir, a bit. My parents don't usually speak of him around me, but I've heard things."

"Very well, I will tell the story just for a little recap then. Tom Riddle was a student at Hogwarts, not many years ago. He was quite brilliant; truthfully the most brilliant student I have ever taught. However, something wasn't quite right in Riddle's psyche. He craved power. He wished to kill all those he considered inferior, including Muggleborns, yes, like you Lily.

"Today, he has transformed himself into a man he calls 'Lord Voldemort'. He has amassed a group of followers, Death Eaters, and he makes a living killing his enemies, killing those weaker than he."

"Like my parents." Lily said bitterly. "He set his little Death Eaters on my loving, wonderful parents."

"Yes, unfortunately, he did. He is a very evil wizard, Lily. He has created fear in many hearts across the wizarding community, for good reason. He knows no mercy. The thrill, for him, is in the torture, knowing that he holds the power over his victims. In a Muggle society, he'd be defined as a psychopath."

"What does this have to do with James and I, sir?" Lily asked curiously.

"I believe, that the two of you together, could be strong enough to fight Lord Voldemort, to play a large part in the war against him. Strong enough to defeat him, possibly."

"But I don't see how we can do that…"

"I must ask you to try to forget about the past and join forces. Think of what is at stake here. The lives of hundreds, thousands even, of innocent humans, people who have done no more wrong than you or I. Yet they are tortured, murdered, torn away from their family, forced into servitude to a master that shows no leniency. Together, you may be able to save these lives. Separate, I don't believe you will be nearly as powerful."

Lily sighed and toyed with a strand of hair. McGonagall stared at her with hopeful eyes and Dumbledore leaned over his desk, waiting for her response. James sat beside her, staring at his feet.

A small stab of pleasure shot through her. He was feeling ashamed of his actions, of having Dumbledore and McGonagall know, and of having Lily react so aversely to working with him.

"Think of how you felt when your parents died, Lily. The sadness, the emptiness, and the loss you suffered. Would you wish that on anyone else?"

"Not even my worst enemy," Lily answered hoarsely. She clenched her fists tight. She truly despised James and his weak, bumbling persona. However, if what Dumbledore said was true, Lily could not deny him.

"Very well, sir. I will try. I cannot promise what I will be able to accomplish, but if you truly believe us to be so powerful, I will try."

"That is all I can ask, Miss Evans," Dumbledore said, smiling softly.

"And if you are even in need of help, you can always come to me," McGonagall added.

Lily nodded and stood up. "I must be going, Professors."

"Good night, Lily," Dumbledore said affectionately.

"Good night, dear," McGonagall echoed.

Lily walked out of Dumbledore's office and down the revolving staircase. As she walked quickly down the hallway, she heard footsteps following behind her.

"Lily, wait up!" James called. Lily kept walking, quickening her pace.

When he caught up with her he was breathing heavily. "I thought we were going to work together, Lily."

Lily turned around to face him, her face a mask, emotionless.

"If you believe that I could ever become friends with you again, you are more of an idiot than I ever thought possible. We will never 'work together'. We will have arrangements set up on my terms. I will leave you my notes and thoughts, and you will leave me yours. That is how we will arrange things this year."

"But you promised Professor Dumbledore…"

"Do you honestly think that I could look him in the eye and tell him that I wasn't willing to do anything to fight my parents' murderer? I will fight Lord Voldemort, Potter, but I believe Dumbledore is wrong. You and I are nothing, and we will always be nothing. Working together will have no benefit, because I do not like you at all. Instead, I will fight him alone, by myself. And that's how it's going to be."

James turned white at her statement but before he could reply, she had stalked off down the hall.

"I see," he muttered. "That's how it's going to be, huh? You might have a little surprise coming to you, Miss Evans, because the world doesn't always work your way."

* * *

James was sprawled on the couch in the Heads' common room, trying to pretend he was studying for Transfigurations, while really waiting up for Lily. This had been the third night in a row since the beginning of school that Lily hadn't come back by midnight. This time, he vowed, he was going to find out where she had been and satisfy his curiosity.

It was driving him crazy, really, to wonder where she was all night long.

At about three in the morning, as his head was starting to drop and sleep was creeping up on him, the door opened. Lily walked in, her hair everywhere and her makeup smudged.

"Lily?" he mumbled. She stopped in her tracks and spun to look at him.

"Potter…what are you doing?" she snapped.

"I was…studying."

"At three in the morning?"

"Yes, in fact, I was," he lied. "And where were you?"

"It's really none of your business, Potter," Lily sneered. Her words were the tiniest bit slurred and James realized that she was drunk.

"Lily, where were you?" he repeated.

"If you insist." She stood there for a moment, staring off into space. Then she looked down at him and smirked.

"I was with Dameon Nott." Her eyes gleamed almost triumphantly, an emotion he was sure she never would have let show if she hadn't been wasted.

"Nott's a Slytherin, Lily. What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking, Potter, that I was having a good time, unlike what you showed me." She turned around and walked unsteadily to her bedroom. James watched her go, his mind not comprehending what he had just seen.

He knew Lily had changed. She looked different, and she was colder than ice. He had never imagined though, that she would go willingly with a Slytherin, especially once as wicked as Nott.

Lily was in trouble. And James was going to save her.

* * *

James crept quietly up the stairs to the North Tower. Lily had left again for the night and James was positive this was where she had gone. He was on duty tonight, which provided him the excuse for searching the tower. Truthfully, as Head Girl, Lily was also on duty tonight. She had a habit of disregarding her nighttime duties, however. Something was keeping her from them, and James was determined to figure out what or who that was.

As he entered the tower James spotted a shadowy figure passionately entwined around each other. The male had one hand possessively placed on the girl's lower back, the other working its way up her chest. A moan escaped the girl's mouth and James recognized the voice immediately. His fears were confirmed.

"Lily, you shouldn't be up here," he said sharply, striding across the tower to approach the couple. The two jumped apart at the sudden intrusion.

"Potter!" Lily snapped angrily.

"Mind your own business, Potter. You shouldn't be sticking your nose where it doesn't belong," a deep voice drawled. "It just might get cut off…or worse."

Dameon Nott's dark eyes gleamed in the sparse candlelight the tower provided. James stiffened.

"I wouldn't make idle threats, Nott," he said coldly. "One might take them the wrong way."

"They're definitely not idle, Potter. I would love to have an excuse to take you down for once and for all."

"Just leave us alone," Lily interrupted. "I don't interrupt you on your little escapades, you could have the same courtesy towards me."

_I don't have little escapades,_ James thought. _Not since you._

"You do realize that you're supposed to patrolling the halls with me right now," James said casually.

Lily sneered at him. "With you? Unlikely." She turned back to Dameon and slipped her arm around him. "If you'll excuse us…"

James watched in horror as Lily lifted her beautiful but heavily made up face towards Nott and kissed him. He felt like rusty nails were being thrust into his gut and tearing him apart. He couldn't bear to watch it.

Before he could turn and head back down the stairs, he saw Nott's hand slipping up underneath Lily's skirt. James winced; Nott was going into territory that James himself had never charted. How could Lily let such a thug do that to her? It didn't make any sense to him whatsoever.

Lily felt smug satisfaction course through her body as Dameon slowly caressed her thigh. James was surely watching, and it only served him right. He had actually come looking for her; to try to bring her back down the safe and boring life of the Heads.

Dameon helped her to forget all the pain that so often consumed her life. He didn't ask questions, he didn't pressure her to talk, and he hardly talked himself. Their encounters were nearly completely physical. Lily preferred it that way. When relationships became complicated, people could only get hurt. It was much safer this way.

She felt Dameon's hand creep further up her thigh and she grabbed it. She maneuvered his large hand until it rested on her cheek, his warmth radiating against her cool skin. He rubbed his thumb gently over her cheekbone, his eyes showing mild puzzlement. Lily, although she didn't ever go all the way, didn't usually stop him from going part way there.

Tonight, though, James had managed to ruin any sexual thoughts Lily had previously entertained.

"Don't, Dameon. Not tonight," she whispered. He obliged. Lily knew that a lot of people thought Slytherins were the scourge of the earth, and in some cases, they were right. With Dameon, however, she knew they were wrong. He wasn't an angel; he had gotten into his share of trouble. He shared a similar past to Lily, and that made him different.

From what he had told her, his father was abusive to him, and still tortured him regularly on vacations. He used Lily for the same reason she used him: to forget.

She didn't care for him deeply; it was just convenient to have a partner in crime: somebody to get wildly drunk with, somebody to be alone with, and somebody who wouldn't be moralizing and trite.

Someone, Lily knew, that was the exact opposite of James.

_Hey everyone! I hope you're enjoying how My Immortal's going, now that Lily's back in the swing of things at Hogwarts. There's a lot in store for her, so be prepared! Send me a review to let me know what you think. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, and to Sierra. Until next week – Rochelle._


	22. Double Life

James spent days agonizing over Lily and her situation. She was always sober during the school day, attended class regularly, and presided over prefect meetings. Other than her outward appearance, the only other big change was her withdrawal from her friends. Lily hardly ever spoke to Emmeline, Dorcas, or Marlene, at least that James saw. This wasn't due to any lack of trying on the girls' parts, for James had seen them attempting to get Lily involved, striving to persuade her to attend Quidditch games or go to Hogsmeade; Lily always refused.

Alice was the only girlfriend that Lily retained. Sirius still spent time with Lily regularly. James suspected that at times Sirius was an accomplice to Lily's wilder moves, but Sirius always denied it.

Once night came, Lily morphed into an entirely different person. She discarded her robes to reveal tight clothing, left for places unknown, and came back completely wasted. It amazed James that she was still able to hold any aspects of her life together.

He tried to recruit his friends into helping him, but they were reluctant to interfere. Remus said he'd try to talk to her, although he wouldn't promise results, Peter admitted that Lily turned him into a stuttering mess, and Sirius was noncommittal. James felt this was because Sirius enjoyed the wilder Lily, but he kept that to himself.

Not more than a week after James had caught Lily with Nott, a knock sounded on the door to the Heads' common room. It was approaching eleven o'clock at night, and James had just been finishing his Potions assignment.

When he opened the door he saw Sirius standing there, an unreadable expression on his face.

"Ah…I found Lily in a bit of trouble," he said. "Er…she's right here." Sirius stepped aside to reveal Lily, slumped against the opposite wall, completely out of it.

"What happened?" James asked suspiciously.

"I don't really know. There was a bit of a party going on down in the dungeons, and I saw her, and went to talk to her, and she passed out in my arms."

"Is that the whole story?" James narrowed his eyes at Sirius.

"In fact, dear Prongs, it _is_ the whole story, the whole story as I know it. I appreciate the trust you hold in me. It shows the true _depth_ of our relationship. You know, maybe if you'd join me every now and then, you'd know how to cut loose and have fun. You've become a complete stuffy little jerk this year." Sirius's eyes flared with pent up anger, telling James that this talk had been a long time coming.

"I've partied before, Sirius. Do you remember what happened then?"

Sirius shook his head. "I remember, James, but I don't agree with you. It's over between you and Lily. Do you have to continue holding on to the past? Move on…at least this time if you end up in another girl's bed, there's nobody to hate you for it."

"All I can do is wait, Sirius, wait for Lily. If I can't have her, I don't want anyone at all."

Sirius stared at him in disbelief. "And if she never wants you?"

"Then I'll forever wait. Right now, however, I am going to take Lily in."

"Right then." Sirius ran a hand through his thick black hair. "Just remember that you're an eighteen year old boy. If you don't have a little fun now, you may never get the chance." With that, he was gone, leaving James and the snoring Lily alone.

James lifted Lily into his arms and brought her through the doorway. He placed her gently onto the couch. She opened her eyes just the smallest amount as he laid her down.

"James?" she mumbled. "Where am I?"

"You're in the common room. Sirius brought you here."

Lily opened her mouth to speak again, but instead she began to gag. James quickly turned her over onto her side, just before she vomited. He quickly cleaned it up, using S_courgify_, and then grabbed a bowl.

"Here, use this if you're going to throw up again." She nodded weakly.

James sat down gingerly at the head of the couch, placing her head in his lap. Surprisingly, Lily let him. She must have been drunker than he realized. For the next twenty minutes, Lily alternately vomited and cried, small little tears that slipped down her cheeks, a soundless cry.

When she was finished, James wiped her face with a cool, damp washcloth. "It doesn't always have to be like this, Lily."

She moaned.

"It takes time to heal, but it will never happen if you don't even begin. You're avoiding your feelings, Lily. It isn't right." James wanted to say so much more, but didn't want to lecture her, not when she was finally allowing him to speak to her.

Lily moaned again, before closing her eyes. The rest of the night, Lily slept in a deep, drugged sleep, while James nodded off, unable to sleep for more than an hour at a time in the unusual upright position.

* * *

Lily slowly opened her eyes, her head throbbing and a painful crick in her neck. She wasn't in her own bed…where was she?

She looked up to see a sleeping James directly over her. She was lying with her head in his lap.

"What the fuck is going on?" she burst out. James's eyes flew open and he stared at her in alarm.

"Lily!"

Lily scrambled off the couch and out of James's reach.

"What the hell were you doing?" she demanded. "Trying to molest me?"

James flushed.

"No! Sirius brought you here last night and you were completely smashed. I was just helping you out, and you fell asleep like that."

Lily sneered at him. She knew he was probably right, but she still didn't like it.

"Next time leave me to help myself. I don't need any favors."

"All right. Next time you get dragged here passed out, I'll leave you sprawled out in the hall. Is that what you want?

Lily glared at James and left t he room. She loathed even sharing the same breathing space as him.

The mirror in her room showed a wild creature that Lily barely recognized as herself. Her hair was a chaotic mess of knots and her makeup was smeared all over her face, making her look like she had two black eyes and red splotches everywhere. Her skin was pale and drawn, her eyes puffy, and her clothes wrinkled beyond compare.

Was that what she had looked like last night? Embarrassment flooded through her at the thought of everyone seeing her in such disarray.

It seemed that she was slowly beginning to lose her grip on her own actions. It frightened her. She was becoming someone she didn't recognize, didn't even know.

Lily wasn't sure she liked the stranger that was taking over her body. The stranger had such a strong grasp on her; it would be nearly impossibly to stop her. It was either like her, or kill her.

_Hey everyone! Sorry about being late. I hope it was worth the wait…That rhymed! Anyway, drop me a review to let me know what you think so far. Thanks to all who've reviewed in the past. Until next time - Rochelle_


	23. Blessed Oblivion

The whispers slowly infiltrated Hogwarts, weaving a tight web of truths and lies, which nobody could separate, which nobody even tried to discern.

Remus could hear them winding through the halls, although he was never the one speaking them, and rarely the one receiving them.

He heard them none-the-less.

"…_completely off her rocker…"_

"_A wild partier, the heaviest drinker in the school…"_

"_They say that she's made her way through all of the seventh year Slytherins by now…"_

"…_even Snape?"_

"_I wouldn't be surprised…remember how she was always defending him last year?"_

"_Oh yeah, back when she was dating James Potter…"_

"_Voldemort met with her himself, promised not to kill her if she'd change sides…"_

Remus knew it was useless to try and stop them. It didn't seem to matter to Lily anyway; she simply ignored them, as she ignored everything these days.

It seemed that she was hardly even a part of the same world as he and the rest of the students were. He was surprised when he saw her blink, amazed when he heard her soft breathing, for it confirmed that she was still there.

It wasn't that she was easy to miss. No, her appearance practically demanded attention. It was the lack of anything inside, of a personality, of a living human soul that bothered him. If he spoke to her, would she answer? Would she even hear him?

Not even six months ago Lily had been a vibrant passionate girl, with a life full of friends and laughter and happiness.

Now she was a shell floating through a life that had cruelly twisted on her.

Remus felt guilty, although he knew that it was unreasonable. He hadn't cheated on her, hadn't even been dating her, and had had nothing to do with the death of her parents. Still, he felt that he should have talked to her, tried to help her, should have attempted to have been there for her. Like all of the rest, he had ignored her, thought that in time she would recover.

In that way, he knew he deserved the guilt he carried around. Nobody could heal from the loss of the three people they loved the most without help.

After the last class of the day had ended on a warm Friday afternoon, Remus caught Lily's arm as she walked out of the room.

"Lily."

She turned slowly around, her eyes wary.

"Can I talk to you?"

"I have…I have to be…"

"Lily, it's a Friday afternoon. There's nowhere you have to be. Please, just for a moment if you'd like."

Lily sighed, stowing her books in her bag. "Where would you like to go?"

"Wherever you'd like, although I thought somewhere private might be nice. I know a nice place outside…"

Lily nodded. Remus led the way out the Entrance Hall and out onto the grounds. Over a hill there was a small pile of boulders that would shield them from the view of any passing students.

"Is this fine?" he gestured to a small area of soft grass where they could set their bags down and relax

Lily nodded again. She waited for him to sit down before she followed suit, leaning her back against the smooth face of the rocks as he did.

For a moment they simply sat, gazing off into the sky, lost in their respective thoughts. Then Remus cleared his throat to break the silence.

"How are you doing, Lily?"

"Haven't you heard?" Her mouth twisted into a bitter smile, devoid of any joy.

"It doesn't matter to me what they say. It matters what you say."

Lily didn't answer, instead replying with her own question.

"How have _you_ been, Remus?"

"I'm okay. Dorcas and I decided to break up a while ago, so we're just friends now. Everything is normal otherwise."

"You're a werewolf, aren't you?"

Remus nearly choked on the air he was breathing in surprise.

"How did you know?" he demanded once he caught his breath.

Lily looked at him, her eyes soft.

"It wasn't hard for me to figure out. You're mother was conveniently sick once a month. If you were a girl, I'd think you simply had terrible PMS, but that obviously wasn't it."

Remus couldn't figure out how the conversation with Lily had turned its focus onto him so quickly.

"Yes, I am," he said quietly. He stared off into the sky, unsure of what to say next.

"You don't have to worry, I'm not going to tell anyone. I know what it's like to have secrets that ought to remain hidden."

Remus smiled, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around his tucked up legs.

"Now that we got that startling revelation aside, can we return to the original topic of conversation?"

"I suppose," Lily agreed. "I just wanted to see what would happen if we talked about something other than me for a change. Normally when I talk to people, all they want to talk about is my messed up life and how to fix it. Of course, it's always their take on my messed up life and their plans to fix it. They never consider how I feel about any of it."

"Are you talking about James?" Remus asked curiously.

"I try _not_ to talk about him," Lily said sarcastically. "But yes, him, Alice, McGonagall, and Dumbledore…everyone really."

"That's unfortunate. Tell me then, Lily, what you'd say if they gave you the chance."

Lily narrowed her bright green eyes at him, but apparently decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"My life is entirely my own, and nobody other than myself can choose how it should go. It isn't ideal right now, but it's allowing me to survive, so I'll take what I can get."

"What do you mean?"

"Everyone lectures me, especially about my…late night activities. So what if I drink a little, party a little, let my hair down every now and then? They don't realize that I can't handle life without an escape. I spend my days in a living hell, surrounded by painful memories and ugly truths. If I can escape them, even for just a night, I'll do whatever it takes to reach that blessed oblivion."

Remus could hear the desperation in Lily's voice, could see the fear that was shadowed in her heavily made up eyes.

"Now isn't this the time when you tell me that I'm a useless slut who should be sent to a convent?" Lily asked disdainfully.

"No," Remus answered. "This is the time when I give you a hug…if I may?" Lily didn't say anything, so he inched over to her and wrapped his arms around her. She held herself rigid at first before softening into his platonic embrace.

She laid her head heavily on his shoulder and sighed a deep shuddering breath. Her body felt tiny, extremely fragile, in his arms, and he wished he could make her eat something to strengthen her.

When Lily pulled away, her eyes were damp, her perfect makeup just a little bit smudged.

"Thanks," she whispered as she stood up.

"Anytime," he replied. Without bothering to dust herself off, Lily took off for the castle. Remus hung back to allow her time to slip in the castle doors, to slip away from him if that was what she so badly wanted.

The next day Lily felt a hand briefly touch her arm as she left the Great Hall after breakfast. It was Remus.

He walked beside her without saying anything for a moment.

"What do you want?" Lily asked bluntly.

"Want to go for a walk?"

Lily wanted to refuse, wanted to return to the solitude of her room. Instead she found herself accepting his invitation and following Remus out of the castle. It had been a while since she had had human contact; at least, human contact that she was sober enough to recall.

The air was chilly, a brisk fall breeze whipping red and gold leaves across the grounds. It looked as if the leaves were performing an intimate mating ritual in midair as they danced and swirled, perhaps celebrating the changing of the seasons.

One of the leaves blew into Lily's hair and entangled itself in her long red locks. Remus gently pulled it out and gave it to her.

"It's pretty," she said quietly.

"It's the same color as your hair," he commented, his soft blue eyes twinkling.

"I've been thinking of dying it."

"What color?"

"Black."

"Don't do that," Remus urged. "It's the only part of you that looks alive these days. It reminds me of the old days."

"That's why I want to change it."

Remus looked at her, fiddling with a gold leaf that he had caught. Instead of looking him in those all-knowing eyes, Lily focused on the leaf instead.

"Don't you remember how happy we all were back then? We were one big group, always together, always having fun…"

Lily sighed. "I remember."

"Can I say one thing if I promise I won't say anything else about this stuff?"

"I may choose to ignore it," Lily said.

"How would your parents want you to live? Like you did before they died or the way you are now?"

Lily felt her chest seize up, almost as if she were panicked or scared, although she knew this was irrational.

True to his word, Remus didn't say anything else on the topic, and they spent the rest of the afternoon breezing through lighter subjects.

His words haunted her however. Could her parents see her? Did they know what she was doing? If so, what were they thinking?

_Hey everyone! It's a little soon to be posting again, but I got great response from you last chapter. Since Sierra's sent me some extra chapters, up this one goes. Send me a review to let me know what you think. Thanks to all who have been doing so already, and to Sierra. Until next time - Rochelle_


	24. Sirius Discussions

That night as Lily walked the halls, plagued by deep thoughts, Sirius caught up with her.

"Going out, Lily?" he asked.

"Not tonight…not to the same place you're going to…"

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, his big blue eyes clouded with confusion. "Where else is there to go?"

"Walk with me," Lily said softly, partly inviting, partly commanding.

Sirius agreed for lack of better idea, Lily was acting quite odd and he wished to know why.

The castle was dark and empty, dimly flickering torches cast shadows on sleeping portraits. Their footsteps echoed in the eerie silence. Any signs of life were well tucked away within common rooms and dormitories, in offices and staff rooms, and as a select few knew, in distant dungeons down below. Filch was out roaming the corridors with the bedraggled Mrs. Norris, but at that moment the ratty old man was out of sight.

Lily led a path up and over to the North Tower, which occasionally held couples taking advantage of the privacy and breathtaking view of the grounds that the tower provided. Tonight it too was dark and empty.

Lily took a seat on the ledge of the tower, her long red hair drifting in the soft night breeze. Sirius leaned against a rounded wall, trying to remain silent. When the effort became too strenuous, he gave up.

"Why are we here?" he blurted.

Lily leaned back slightly and stared up at the stars. It was said that they held all the answers to life's mysteries. If only she could interpret them, if that really was the truth.

"Have you ever wondered why we're alive, Sirius?" she asked.

"What? I mean…sure, I guess…but not really…" Sirius flipped his black hair out of his eyes and peered at Lily. "Why do you ask?"

"I've been wondering lately. Are we here for a purpose? Or are we simply alive because two humans mated, and we're condemned to live this cursed life?

"If I were to throw myself over this ledge right now, would it somehow change the course of the world? Or would time move on and never feel the effect of an insignificant girl dying?"

Lily leaned forward now, looking at Sirius earnestly; her eyes a mystifying swirl of light and dark.

"If that were true, I'd throw myself over this edge right now," she said rather thoughtfully. She swung one leg over the ledge so she was straddling it.

Sirius dove forward and grabbed her arm.

"Don't!"

Lily laughed almost bitterly.

"I wasn't actually going to do it." Sirius kept looking at her suspiciously until she resumed her previous sitting position.

They sat there in an oddly comfortable silence, odd considering the heavy subjects they had just discussed.

"I dunno…" Sirius began, breaking the stillness. "Our lives have to mean something, don't they?"

He scratched his head in the universal symbol of thought.

"If there was no higher purpose…no value…"

"Then we should all go chuck ourselves over a cliff," Lily finished flatly.

Sirius sat down beside her and looked her in the eye.

"If you threw yourself over this wall or chucked yourself over a cliff, the world would be affected. I would care, the Hogwarts students and staff would care, and everyone would feel the loss of the wonderful girl you are. So tell whatever little voice it is in your head that's telling you you're life is worthless to fuck off.

"Besides, if life was meaningless and everyone went and killed themselves, the world would be most definitely affected."

"Perhaps there are different types of people," Lily suggested. "The ones who will shape the future and the ones who are impeding its progress. And the latter are the ones who should help the world by ridding it of themselves. That could be their contribution to humankind."

"Lily…who could distinguish who would be important and who would not be? People can't determine that…"

"We're a lot alike, aren't we, Sirius?" Lily had a habit of changing subjects and not answering questions.

"What do you mean?"

"No families…at least not in the traditional sense. Dark pasts, heavy secrets that we try to hide. A tendency to party a little too hard to try to forget the facts of our lives."

Sirius considered her words. He was practically family-less. He'd been literally blasted off of the family tree; his mother had burnt a little hole where his name had been on the Black family tapestry.

The Potters had welcomed him into their home, but it wasn't the same as being loved by your own blood.

It was also true that by constantly being the mover and shaker, party boy Sirius, he didn't have to think about the ugly feelings and words exchanged by his family and himself.

"Yeah, we're in the same boat, aren't we Lils?" he answered finally.

"Do you think that we're destined to spend our lives hiding from the pain? Or do you think it's possible to ever escape this faux life?"

"It has to be possible," Sirius said, although it sounded like he was trying to convince himself as well.

"I don't know about myself," he continued. "I've never really thought about myself like this. I know you can do it though, Lily. You're brilliant, and if you'd just try, you could do so much for the wizarding world. The ability is in there, I know it."

Lily didn't say anything. Sirius reached over and hugged Lily, wrapping his arms around her barely-there body.

It was strange to think that nearly two years ago they had spent much time in each other's arms, driven by a mutual feeling of lust and passion. Now their embrace was much more platonic, based on a much deeper and stronger feeling of friendship and empathy.

"This wasn't the snogging session I thought it was going to be, but I love you anyway," he whispered in her ear, his breath tickling her sensitive skin.

Lily smirked and stood up, pulling Sirius up with her. They left the tower and slid silently through the castle to Gryffindor Tower.

Before Sirius disappeared behind the portrait of the barely awake pink lady, he grabbed Lily's hand to hold her back a moment.

"I'm glad we walked, Lily. And I meant it – I love you, and I wouldn't know what to do if you weren't here." By 'weren't here' he really meant 'dead' and both knew it.

Lily's eyes shone curiously bright as she continued on her way to the Heads' dormitories.

_Hey everyone! I hope you enjoyed the latest update of My Immortal. It's a bit of a transition period for Lily, in which she's becoming quite introspective. I liked writing it, so I hope you felt the same. Please let me know what you think. Thanks to everyone who's been reviewing, and to Sierra! Until next week - Rochelle_


	25. Rotten to the Core

Chapter Twenty Five – Rotten to the Core

*note: I wrote this years ago and somehow missed posting it. After realizing my story was no longer in order I didn't have the heart to continue posting. I have decided to post tehse, without editing or changing them, just to say I have finished my fanfiction. Please enjoy and sorry for the wait -- Rochelle*

Lily slipped through the portrait hole into the Head's Common Room, hoping that James wouldn't still be awake. He had a tendency to wait for her to return, no matter how late it was.

Thankfully he was nowhere in sight and the only movement in the shared common room was the barely flickering fire in the grate. Lily was able to make her way through the shifting shadows to her room without any interrogation or irate exchanges that had become the theme of her encounters with James.

It seemed that even after all these months James still felt he had a claim to her life. Nothing that she did discouraged him. By monitoring his schedule and working around it, and keeping a closed mouth when she did see him, Lily was able to reduce any contact between the two of them.

It had helped her considerably, for seeing him caused a dull ache to twist at her heart, leaving her angry and confused.

Of course, there were still the times that she didn't remember but knew happened when she came home completely wasted, but what she couldn't recall couldn't hurt her.

Lily changed quickly into a silky nightgown and moved to the bathroom to wash up for the night. After brushing her teeth and washing her face, she found herself staring at her reflection in the mirror.

This time, her image was well put together, other than the slightly tousled hair from the night breeze. There was no evidence of the wild-eyed, chaotic girl that had stared back at herself with such hatred and disgust the night that Sirius had brought her to James. Instead of the angry hung over eyes there were slightly sad, contemplative eyes, shadowed but calm.

This time she might not be subject to the anger and humiliation of the previous encounter, but at least that time she hadn't remembered any of the things that had troubled her so greatly. Tonight she could remember everything. The betrayal of James, the loss of her parents, her isolated state of being, her inability to live a natural life, and her struggle with her very own being.

Which was the better of the two, she wasn't sure.

Sunday morning dawned bright and clear with fiery rays of sunlight streaking their way across Lily's bedchambers. She reluctantly pulled herself out of the warmth of her comforters, rubbing her eyes as she reached for her lime green bathrobe.

The robe was one of her only remaining bright articles of clothing, having brought mostly grays, blacks, and navy blues to school with her. Somehow buying a new robe had escaped her to do list and she was forced to wear the cheery item, no matter how ill suited to her mood it was.

This morning however, Lily felt a sense of wonder at waking up early on a weekend morning without a hangover. When she poked her head into the common room, it was clearly evident James shared this view as well.

He was sprawled out on the floor near the fireplace reading the Daily Prophet. When he saw her he gave a start in surprise.

"Good morning," he greeted her politely, eyebrows raised.

Lily nodded her head slightly and ducked back into her room. She quickly threw on a pair of tight gray pants and a black sweater and readied herself for breakfast. She wasn't hungry, but the Great Hall would provide a welcome escape from James. Weekends were always long drawn out affairs, full of time to sit and stare at the wall while avoiding James and other moralizing people. Nighttime proved the only relief, when Lily would stay out for all hours of the night before coming back to crash into deep dreamless sleep. She would sleep the mornings away, but would always have the afternoons to fill, which she never did.

Once she would have spent her time in Hogsmeade with Alice, Marlene, Dorcas, and Emmeline, but she found herself turning down their invitations, until finally they stopped coming. Solitude was best, for nobody truly understood her thoughts and emotions, and she was always afraid that they would escape and leave her naked and bare for all to see.

Through isolation she could keep herself under control, could monitor the pain and sorrow. When she needed relief, she found it in the presence of the people who cared for her the least of all. It was much safer that way.

After grabbing a slice of toast and a small goblet of pumpkin juice, Lily slowly made her way back to the Head's quarters. She hadn't been around much on weekend mornings, and didn't know how James spent his time. Perhaps he had already left to be with his friends.

If only she were so lucky. James had hardly moved a muscle when she walked back into the room.

"Back so soon?" he asked.

Lily ignored him and continued on her way to her room. Suddenly, moving at a speed hardly imaginable, James was standing front of her, eyes blazing.

"Are you even in there, Lily? Is anyone home in that empty shell?"

Lily felt a knot of tension form in her stomach and she clenched her hands into tight fists.

"Damn it, Lily. I talk to you and it's like you're not even there! I feel like I'm talking to a statue. It's not just with me, either. You go around staring holes into nothingness and act like you can't hear or see anyone else."

"Oh believe me, Potter. I'm in here, although I would most definitely like to be somewhere else at the moment," Lily sneered, her face cold and impassive.

James's hazel eyes glared at her, his black hair rumpled as always and his body quivering with anger.

"It's like this terrible imitation of you is walking around, trying to fool everyone that it's you. I don't believe it."

"So complimentary, Potter. I'm not an imitation of myself, terrible or otherwise. I am and always will be _me_, Potter, and you need to learn to deal with it. I don't fit myself to suit what others expect me to be, I am only myself."

"Nobody changes this drastically from one year to the next. You're acting like a completely different person, Lily. Why do you have to act like someone you're not?"

"I don't need to listen to your shit. This is me, hate it or love it." Lily tried to push her way past James but he was unyielding.

"I won't let you do this to yourself, Lily. Let me help you."

"Potter, don't you get it? I don't need your help. I'm the exact same person I was last year. This is who I've always been.

"Situations change, and now you're seeing me in a different light. Without the pleasant circumstances, you see the barebones, honest version of me." She paused to breathe a little, then continued, maintaining her cold, even tone. "The apple may have been bright, shiny, and appealing, but deep down the core was always rotten." Lily stared up at James with as little emotion as possible, trying to convey her complete sense of apathy towards him.

James stared back at her in horror.

"No…" he whispered.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, Potter. If you ever imagined be to be anything else other than myself, the blame lies on your side, not mine. I've never been anything other myself. It's only others who in their own minds twisted me into something I never was, and now when they see the truth, can't take it," Lily went on harshly. "So don't try to hold me responsible."

James stood there, his face white and his eyes wide. When Lily impatiently made her way around him, he remained stock-still, unable to fully absorb her words.

Lily hurried into her room and locked the door. What a way to start a day. No wonder she didn't usually wake up this early; mornings were hell.

James slowly walked away from Lily's bedroom door, her cold words echoing in his head. She couldn't mean it, could she?

Lily wasn't rotten, he knew that much. She was confused. Upset. Hurting. It was hard for James to watch her hurt herself like she was, but she was so adamant against receiving help. And now after she had told him how she felt, he was shocked.

Couldn't she see that it was only a matter of leaving the sadness behind and learning to move on? That the pain in her life didn't need to be there? Lily seemed to believe that the empty version of herself was the true version.

Could she be right? No…James mentally kicked himself for even thinking it. He had known her for so long, and for a period of time, so intimately, that he would have known. No matter what Lily said, she hadn't always been this way. She had changed.

What could he do? Every one of his efforts to help her turned out useless, his interference disastrous.

There was only one person who would know what to do. Remus. James tried to think of where Remus would be.

The Gryffindor Common Room. It had been too long since he'd been in there last.

Remus was playing a game of wizard's chess against Sirius, in the process of kicking Sirius's butt, when James burst through the entrance of the common room.

James appeared normal, but to Remus's trained eye his friend was extremely upset. His eyes were abnormally hard and he was ever so slightly chewing his bottom lip. In addition, it had been ages since James had come to the common room; he seemed always busy with Head's duties along with his Quidditch Captain responsibilities.

"James, long time, no see!" Sirius called with a carefree smile. Since James's didn't share a dormitory with the boys anymore, they hadn't spent as much time together recently, but their bond was too deep and too old to break easily. Even tense encounters while carrying home a wasted Lily were quickly put behind them.

James pulled up a chair to the table where they sat and moodily stared at the chessboard. Remus didn't say anything but instead focused on his next move. Sirius bit immediately though.

"So, what's bothering you, Prongs?" he asked, wincing slightly when Remus captured one of his knights. "Another fight with our beloved Lily?"

James glared at him. Sirius knew him too well; it was impossible to hide anything from him. When he saw Remus's patient eyes turned towards him, he knew that Remus had noticed his troubled state as well.

"It's Lily," he sighed. "She's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do."

"Sounds like a talk better held in private," Sirius said, gesturing to the stairs to the boys' dormitory. "C'mon, Prongs."

The three boys made their way up to the old dormitory that they had once all shared. James sprawled out on Sirius's bed, Sirius on Remus's, and Remus sat on the floor between the two beds.

"What happened?" Remus asked, speaking for the first time. James closed his eyes and quickly relived the entire argument, and then proceeded to tell his two friends exactly what had happened.

Remus and Sirius listened without interruption through the entire tale. When James finished and looked at the them with eyes full of confusion and yearning, they gave each other quick sidelong glances.

"Okay, James, here's what you need to do…" Sirius began, rolling over onto his stomach and propping himself up on his elbows so he could look James in the eye.


	26. Wisdom and Wit

"You need to stay out of her life until she's got it straightened out. You're one of the things that is messing her up right now."

James looked at Sirius dismissively.

"You always say that," he told him.

"That's because it's true," Remus interjected quietly. "Listen to me, James. Lily's been talking to both Sirius and I lately about her life, and she's pretty screwed up right now."

"She's been talking to you and _Sirius_ about her life but she won't say a civil word to me?" James asked, goggling at the two. "Why is she talking to you two but not me?"

"We've never hurt her like you did," Sirius answered. "At least our breakup was peaceful."

James scowled. He didn't like being reminded that Sirius had once dated Lily.

"Anyway, what I'm trying to say, is you need to back off," Remus continued. "You're not the biggest problem in Lily's life right now, but she blames a lot of her trouble on you. I'm not sure how to say this, but you're kind of her scapegoat right now. Until we can get her to face reality, you have to accept that role."

"I have to let her hate me?" James looked slightly horrified and exceedingly angry. "What kind of advice is this?"

"Shut up, James. You'll never get it if you don't listen," Sirius lectured sternly.

"Sirius and I are working on helping her out of the mental prison she's living in. She's hurting, and she's turning to alcohol to escape it. The two things that sent her into the state where she is now were you sleeping with Sonya, and the death of her parents. She knows her parents did nothing wrong, so she doesn't feel angry toward them. You, on the other hand, are the perfect person to blame for everything."

Remus leaned back against his bed, which Sirius was still lying on, and pushed a strand of longish sandy hair out of his face.

"Until we can help her learn to face the truth rather than getting wasted every night, you need to be pretty low key, James. Work with her during Heads' projects, but don't speak about anything personal," Sirius advised, taking over the role of counselor.

"Just by approaching me to talk, and by being willing to talk with Remus, she's shown that she's willing to begin the healing process. She trusts us, and we're going to do everything we can for her. When she's better, we'll start helping her move towards accepting you again,"

"You mean you'll help me get her back? You're done telling me to get over myself?" James asked in disbelief. Sirius had been so adamant that he moved on, and so protective of Lily, that he thought everyone felt it was over for the two of them.

"I think you royally screwed up and Lily will be a candidate for sainthood if she takes you back, but what can I say? Anyone who goes celibate this long for a girl who won't give the time of day…" Sirius grinned at James.

"Of course, we'll only do it if we thinks she's ready for it, and if it seems right," Remus cautioned. "We can't promise miracles."

"How long do you think…"

"How can we know?" Remus looked James in the eye, his pale blue eyes gentle and honest. "It could take months, a year, forever. But if you really want her, you'll wait." His final sentence was more of a command than anything else.

James let out a moan of frustration. "Believe me, I've waited."

"Good, then you should have lots of practice," Sirius said.

James glared at him. "How did you two become such wise advice givers anyway?"

"What do you mean?" Remus asked indignantly. "I've always been the wise man on the mountain."

"And I've always been a wise guy," Sirius cracked.

"Don't be too proud of your smart ass tendencies," James warned. Sirius gave him a look of mock hurt, clasping a hand over his heart.

"Prongs! Do not hurt me by such cruel words! I have always treasured my sparkling wit and intelligence above all else."

"And here I was thinking that it was your shiny white teeth and big blue eyes that you treasured above all else," James muttered. Sirius pretended not to hear him, but the bombardment of pillows that hit James in the face told him that he had.

The door to the dormitory opened and Peter walked in.

"Hey, Wormtail, haven't seen you around much," James greeted him. They hardly had any classes together, as Peter hadn't achieved enough O.W.L.S. to take the tougher subjects James had selected.

Instead of the effusive greeting James expected however, Peter remained silent, instead giving James the evil eye.

James looked at Remus and Sirius. They both shrugged, indicating they didn't know what was up,

James rolled his eyes. What was it with people and their obsession with glaring at him? It was getting rather old.

* * *

The next week passed uneventfully. James reluctantly took his friends' advice and ignored Lily. Lily ignored him right back, so their quarters were very silent.

The monotony of classes and Head duties blurred one day into the other, but time still seemed to move very slowly.

Come Saturday, however, Lily found herself swept away by Sirius and Remus as she attempted to find lunch in the Great Hall. She had slept in late that morning after a night out with Dameon Nott, and had missed breakfast.

"Can't let you eat there, Lily," Sirius intoned solemnly, grabbing her and steering her into the Entrance Hall. "The food's terrible today, ask Remus, he tried it."

Lily looked at Remus in utter confusion, but he only laughed and nodded.

"Where exactly are you taking me?" she asked suspiciously.

"Why, to Hogsmeade!" Sirius exclaimed incredulously. "We're going to treat you to a free dinner at the restaurant of your choice."

Remus cleared his throat rather loudly at this point.

"Er…I mean Remus is treating you to dinner," Sirius said hastily. "I'm a little low on funds at the moment."

Lily attempted to free herself from Sirius's strong grasp. "I really don't feel like going to Hogsmeade," she protested. "Really, I don't care if the food is terrible, I'm not that hungry."

Food wasn't the issue though, and they all knew it. The food in the Great Hall was never terrible. Sirius and Remus were just using it as an excuse for whatever their little plan was.

"Lily," Sirius said gravely. "You need a bit of fun in your life. Who could better provide said fun than Sirius and Remus, your own personal jokesters?"

Remus smirked and Lily groaned.

"If I promise to be a really good girl will you let me go?" she asked, knowing it was useless.

"No can do!" Sirius answered, grinning.

"C'mon, Lily, it'll be fun," Remus finally piped in. "I promise I won't let Sirius get too wild…"

"I've seen how well you control him," Lily grumbled.

'Hey, what can I say?" Remus laughed. "You're supposed to accept people for who they are."

"Tell that to your dear friend James," Lily said sourly.

"Hey!" Sirius jumped in. "Don't say the J-word! We're supposed to be having fun. Want me to spell it for you? F-U-N-N."

Lily blinked at Sirius who was maintaining an incredible straight face. Remus was biting back a laugh.

Finally Lily gave in. "Okay…you're funny, Sirius."

"I won't believe it until you smile." They were now out of the castle and walking down the path to Hogsmeade, and Sirius had hooked his arm through Lily's, keeping her captive.

Lily bared her teeth in a ferocious smile that made him jump back.

"Whoa…easy girl…" Sirius muttered. Remus just laughed and hooked his own arm through Lily's free arm.

"Not everyone thinks that you have the brilliant wit that you believe you have," he told Sirius.

Sirius pouted, his big blue eyes wide and sad. He looked so pitiful that Lily felt a rush of guilt. Unwanted as it was, the two boys were trying everything they could do to make her smile. Was she too cold and selfish to give a little back?

Then again, they were taking her against her will. But it was only because they cared. They wanted her to smile so they'd feel better…but it made her feel almost happy to know that her smile had that power over them.

"You okay there, Lils?" Sirius asked.

"I'm fine."

"You went a little quiet on us there."

"I'm pondering the deep questions of the dark…"

"Such as…"

"Such as…will Sirius ever get a life?"

Sirius laughed delightedly. "Watch it, Lily. I think you might have almost cracked a joke there…"

Lily rolled her eyes, but felt a bit of lightness flood through her body. It had been a long time since she'd been to Hogsmeade. She'd almost forgotten what it had felt like to walk the long scenic path to the town.

The arms that held hers no longer felt like chains, now Lily felt a bit of warmth and friendship coming from the entwined limbs. A cold breeze blew through her hair, but Sirius and Remus moved closer to her, keeping her pleasantly warm despite the chill.

"So…where will it be, Lily?" Remus asked when they arrived in Hogsmeade. For the first time in a long time, Lily felt ravenous.

"Erm…how about that little teashop there? That new looking one," she gestured. They quickly made their way into the warm cozy shop. The atmosphere was snug and inviting; comfortable looking booths lined the walls.

They sat down and a server quickly appeared to take their orders. Lily asked for a chicken sandwich, soup, and a cup of hot black tea. Sirius and Remus requested the same.

"Do you realize that this is the first time I've left Hogwarts since school started?" Lily asked them.

"Are you serious?" Sirius gaped. "How can you handle it?"

"What do I need out here?"

Sirius looked at her, at a loss for words.

"Um…er…tell her Remus!" he sputtered.

"What Sirius is trying to tell you is that he can't handle being cooped up in one place for more than a week," Remus explained. "It's something to do with his belief that the walls start to close in on you if you remain in them for too long."

Lily raised her eyebrows and leaned over the table towards Sirius.

"Maybe…" she began slowly, "that's what's wrong with me. I've been in the castle too long and the walls are suffocating the life right out of me."

Sirius stared back at her, aghast, until he realized she was being facetious.

"Smart ass," he huffed. He sat back and crossed his arms over his chest. Then he made a strange gasping noise and started to cough. Remus started to pound him on the back until he saw what Sirius was staring at.

For the first time in approximately seven months, Lily was smiling a beautiful happy smile.

It shone and transformed her face into an expression of lighthearted contentment. Remus basked in its glow for the few brief moments that it lasted.

When Lily realized that the two boys were gawking at her, she started to frown.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Lily. Just keep smiling," Sirius wheezed, wiping away the tears that had popped into his eyes during his coughing fit.

Lily leaned back into the booth in utter relaxation. It had been a long time since she had felt this peaceful and at ease with herself.

Somehow, Remus and Sirius did that to her.

The three spent the rest of the day frequenting Zonko's and other shops in Hogsmeade. Sirius babbled somewhat mindlessly, Remus interrupted every now and then to add his two cents, and Lily simply enjoyed their company.

Occasionally when Sirius told a particularly stupid joke, Lily would smile a bit. Once she even laughed, and it caused Sirius and Remus to walk straight into each other.

Part of her felt like ditching them for acting like she was an animal in the zoo, carefully under observation. The other part of her though, the one that was enjoying this new feeling, overpowered the former.

As long as they didn't ask too much of her, she could handle it. If all she had to do was walk around with them and help carry the numerous bags they were accumulating (which again, Remus was paying for, as Sirius claimed he was broke), she could handle it - for now at least.

By the time they returned to the castle though, Lily felt exhausted, as if she had run a marathon. Perhaps she had run the emotional equivalent of one. It had been a long time since she had felt happy. It didn't come easily, and it had worn her out.

"Want to come hang out in the common room with us?" Sirius suggested as they walked through the Entrance Hall.

Lily shook her head tiredly. She needed her solitude back, a quiet place where she could process the gamut of feelings she had experienced through the day.

Sirius frowned, but Remus poked him in the side.

"Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find us," Sirius finished.

Lily stopped and looked the two boys in the eye.

"I do, and I'm glad that I can count on you. But right now, I want to go to my room. Thank you for lunch, Remus. It was wonderful."

Her face looked drawn and her eyes clouded. "I…well, goodbye," she finished rather abruptly. With that, she turned and left them staring at her retreating figure.

When she got back to the Heads' common room, James was eating a snack on one of the couches.

She met his eye in tired defiance, but he simply glanced at her before returning to his pickle and cream cheese sandwich.

Lily wrinkled her nose. She had forgotten that he loved those. It looked and smelled utterly disgusting.

However, rather than saying anything, she simply hurried into her room. It was time for a long, long nap. The minute she lay down, she slipped into a state of complete, blessed darkness.

* * *

The next day Lily woke up feeling tired and listless, not at all revived by her deep sleep. Even though she had slept from the previous evening until Sunday morning, she felt worn-out. She slowly made her way down to the Great Hall for breakfast. Sirius and Remus immediately sat down beside her.

"Good morning," Remus greeted her as he sat down to her left. He looked bright eyed and alert, ready to face the day. Lily scowled at the old, slightly scarred table. Some people had it all too easy.

"Food's good," Sirius mumbled through a mouthful of eggs.

Lily poked at her strips of bacon doubtfully.

"I'm not really hungry," she muttered, pushing the plate away. "I'll just drink some pumpkin juice."

"No, eat Lily," Remus commanded, placing the plate in front of her again. When she looked at him in surprise and annoyance, he didn't back down. "You've lost a lot of weight. You're never going to feel up to anything if you don't eat."

Lily stared at her plate, trying to block out his words.

"You need energy, Lily. Trust me?" The last words he asked in a question.

Lily sighed. "I… I guess."

"So reassuring," Remus commented dryly, but he smiled at her to take the bite out of his comment. "Then believe me when I say that eating will only help you."

"And if I don't _want_ to eat?"

"Well, I don't exactly want to hang out with Sirius, but my mother always told me it'd build character. So…here I am…" Remus shrugged innocently and Sirius slugged him. Remus faked an expression of agony, doubling over plate. Out of the corner of his eye, he winked at Lily.

Sighing, Lily took a few half –hearted bites of bacon and eggs before she gave up.

"That's all I can do," she said, standing up from the table. "I gotta go."

She made her way quickly back to the common room. She couldn't take their hopeful expressions. They were expecting her to continue on from where she had left them yesterday, and all she wanted to do was sleep.

When she fell asleep, however, her dreams were haunted by visions of her tortured parents screaming her name as they died. She awoke instantly and lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling.

The ghostly screams echoed in her ears. Lily clapped her hands over them to try to block the chilling sounds, but they were coming from within.

"Noo…" she moaned. Was that what they sounded like when they died? Did they cry out her name? Were they calling in desperation for her to save them? Or were they screaming in agony, knowing that if it hadn't been for Lily, they wouldn't have been hunted by the most powerful wizard and his evil henchmen?

Either way, Lily couldn't bare it. She had let her parents down. She had failed them. She deserved to spend the rest of her life hearing their tortured screams reverberating in her head.

_Hey everyone! I'm so sorry about the wait. Between spring break and all sorts of other things, this chapter just didn't come out. It's a longer one, which I hope will make you happy. How about this…you drop me a review to let me know you're still there and I'll post up another chapter midweek. I want to hear from you, because it's been WAY too long! Until then - Rochelle_


	27. Truth or Dare

_Peter watched to make sure nobody was in the corridor before entering the passage that led directly to Hogsmeade. It was risky to leave the castle without the protection of James' invisibility cloak, but that luxury was no longer available to him. James kept it safely hidden in his own Heads' dormitory. The dormitory he shared with Lily._

_Peter felt a throb of anger pulse through his head and he quickly tried to focus on other things. The man he was meeting with tonight was terrifying enough as it was, it didn't help to be visibly shaken in his presence._

It was Remus' night for prefect duty. Patrolling the halls late at night weren't his favorite thing to do, but he had no choice.

Of course, James would have tweaked the schedule a bit in Remus' favor if he asked, but Remus wasn't the type to ask for special treatment.

No, instead Remus had done everything he could to make sure he was equal to his peers. Having what James called "a furry little problem" had made him form an aversion to appearing different in any way.

To Remus it wasn't such a little problem. It made nearly every decision in his life ten times more complicated. Could he risk becoming friends with someone? It was always possible that they would begin to notice his disappearance every month. Could he plan for a wondrous career in the Ministry or any other field? No, he couldn't count on getting a job anywhere. Being a werewolf wasn't normally considered a positive point on a resume.

There were a select few that didn't care: James, Sirius, and Peter. And of course, now he knew that Lily knew.

Would Dorcas have cared? Remus liked to think she wouldn't. He hadn't wanted to find out the truth though, so over the summer he had gradually stopped answering her owls. It was easier that way, and better for both of them.

Remus was nothing if not a gentleman. And gentleman always looked out for the best interests of others.

As he climbed the winding stairs to the North Tower he heard a haunting melody play in his ears. It was only a tremble, as if someone was humming, but it resonated off the curving walls, carrying feelings of loneliness and desperation.

"Lily." He should have known. She was huddled against the back wall of the Tower, staring out at the sky, clutching a bottle in her hand. Remus wasn't quite sure what was in it, but he doubted it was innocent.

The sad notes died on her lips when she heard him say her name.

"Remus," she intoned flatly. When she saw him looking at the bottle in her hand, she held it up to him as if she were offering a toast.

"Cheers." Her voice was devoid of any such sentiment.

Remus didn't say anything.

"Are you going to tell me why I shouldn't be doing this?" Lily asked. "Because if you are, I'm going to have to tell you to fuck off."

Remus' eyes widened imperceptibly.

"I'm not going to tell you what to do," he uttered softly.

"You had no problem doing it at breakfast this morning," Lily sneered. "'Eat Lily' and 'trust me, it'll only help you'. I'm so freaking sick of being 'helped'."

Remus sat down beside her and closely examined her. Her eyes were wide, her pupils large. Her body seemed limp, as if she were barely able to hold herself up. The liquor was having an effect, he could see, which was no doubt behind her harsh words.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't mean to tell you what to do. I care about you though."

"Everyone thinks that I'm the only one with problems and I get so fed up with it," Lily continued as if she hadn't heard him. Her voice was a little too loud and out of rhythm. "Everyone has problems. I mean, look at you, Remus. You dump one of the best things that ever happened to you because you're scared to let people get close to you. How would you like if I lectured you about that?"

Remus flushed. Lily hit on the very subject he had been pondering as he walked the halls.

"You're right," he admitted, staring at the stone floor. "But how did you know that was why we broke up?"

Lily looked at him incredulously. "God, Remus. Everyone knew."

"What do you mean, 'everyone'?" Remus asked, a note of panic building in his voice. Surely everyone didn't know about his lycanthropy?

Lily snorted. "Relax. I mean that your friends and I all knew. What are you so paranoid about anyway? It's not like it matters."

"It matters to me."

"Looks like I'm not the only one with a dirty little secret," Lily said.

Remus didn't answer. He didn't know what to say.

"If you'll talk to Dorcas and tell her the truth, I'll bet you any money that she won't care about it."

"I'm not going to tell Dorcas."

"Coward."

"Talk about not being able to face your feelings, Lily. You're hiding from your own by drinking yourself into a stupor every night," he argued defensively. Immediately he regretted the words. He didn't mean to criticize her.

"Not every night," Lily smirked. "I spent last night sober, unfortunately." She lolled her head back and closed her eyes, grimacing. It seemed that the previous night hadn't been very pleasant.

A sudden flash of inspiration hit Remus.

"If I promise to tell Dorcas the truth about my…my condition, would you be willing to give up your own little shield?"

Lily opened her eyes just the slightest amount to peer at Remus.

"What do you mean?"

"Listen. I tell Dorcas, and you stop drinking."

Lily considered it for a moment and then shook her head.

'Uh uh…you only have to spit out one sentence. Your end of the deal is too easy."

_Easy? _Remus thought. If only she knew how _easy_ it was to reveal your deepest secret to the one person you never wanted to find out.

"For two weeks?" he offered.

Lily closed her eyes in thought.

"If you tell Dorcas within the first week," she finally conceded.

Remus felt a sharp jab of fear twist his insides. Would he be able to do it?

"If you haven't done it by next Monday night, the deal's off," Lily said.

Remus sighed.

"I'll do it," he promised.

"Good."

* * *

By the next morning, Remus was feeling like he'd rather do anything than tell Dorcas the truth.

If it got Lily to stop drinking, for even two weeks, he could do it. He trusted that Dorcas wouldn't tell anyone, so he didn't have to worry about that. The worst she could do was completely reject him out of fear and prejudice - which was still a terrifying thought. It was so much better to be apart due to choice, not because of terror and hate.

Lily didn't look any happier than he did. She slumped over her Transfiguration book, cradling her head in her hands as if it were hurting her. It most likely did, since she had been drinking the night before.

Oh, she was perfectly put together. Lily always was, at least in the daytime, while she was sober. Her hair was a smooth and shiny mass of red; her face flawlessly made up, her robes spotless and unwrinkled.

It was only her empty eyes, pursed lips, and defeated posture that betrayed any unhappiness.

Was she already worrying about how she was going to carry through with her end of the bargain?

Lily glared at her desktop, hoping that she could will it to burst into flames. Maybe if she concentrated hard enough it would combust.

No such luck. The desk remained annoyingly untouched, other than the curse words magically engraved on its surface.

Whoever had sat here before her must not have liked the desk very much either.

Why had she ever promised to not drink for two weeks? She must have been crazy…or drunker than she'd thought.

Oh well…it wasn't as if she actually had to do it. Lily had her own stash in her room. Remus would never know.

* * *

However, at promptly 8:00 that night, a knock sounded on the door to the Heads' Common Room.

When Lily opened it, Sirius walked in, carrying a pillow and a comforter.

"What," she asked in utter confusion, "the hell are you doing?"

Sirius looked at her innocently.

"We're having a sleepover," he answered. "Didn't Remus tell you?"

"No," Lily said flatly.

"Oh, well, we weren't sure how to make sure you followed through with your end of the deal, so this was the best we could do. We're taking turns sleeping over for the next two weeks," Sirius explained.

"And you never thought to ask me?"

"No, we figured you'd protest. But the vote would have been two to one anyway, so we still would have won."

Trailing his Gryffindor gold comforter on the floor as he walked, he sauntered into her bedroom. Lily followed numbly.

_This is ridiculous!_ she thought. How could they just take over her life like this? She refused to let this happen.

"Oh and Lily?" Sirius asked as she shut the door behind her. "I'm not leaving. Trust me. I'm staying right here, all night."

Maybe she could bribe him Sirius liked a good time. If she promised him his own stash, maybe he'd give up this bizarre plan of his.

"I don't suppose you're in need of anything, are you Sirius?" she asked casually.

"No can do, Lily. But I did bring along this Muggle game I found buried in a cabinet in the Gryffindor Common Room." He whipped a long flat box out of his scarlet pillowcase.

"Scarbble!" he proclaimed proudly.

"_Scrabble_," Lily corrected. It had always been her favorite game…she and her parents had played it nearly every night when she was home.

"Want to play?" Sirius grinned at her. "I bet I can beat you."

"You can't even pronounce it, how do you think you can beat me?"

"I foresaw it in Divination this morning," he lied blithely. He touched his fingers to his temples and closed his eyes as if in deep thought.

"Will…win…in…strange…Muggle…game…."

"You don't even take Divination," Lily said, rolling her eyes.

"Oh yeah, that's right…that must be why my predictions are always so off," he smirked. Lily shook her head. He was hopeless.

"So…want to play?"

Lily stared at the game, which he was opening, and the familiar little wooden squares. It really was her favorite, and it had been so long…

"Okay," she reluctantly agreed. "One game."

'Great!" Sirius sounded honestly enthused. "Just one thing…"

Lily looked at him, a dainty eyebrow quirked.

"Can you explain to me how to play? These instructions are impossible!"

After one game, in which Lily trounced Sirius in the greatest defeat of his life, Sirius demanded a rematch.

"I said one game," Lily reminded him.

"But that was more like a practice, not a game," Sirius protested. "It didn't count."

Lily narrowed her eyes at him.

"Please…it's only 9:00 and there's nothing else to do…"

"You could go back to Gryffindor and hang out with Remus and Peter," Lily suggested hopefully.

"Nah…Remus is busy and Peter's been acting twitchy lately. I'm having more fun hanging out here…"

Sirius looked around as if someone might have been listening before whispering, "And besides, Remus would have my hide if I left."

"I wouldn't tell," Lily offered.

"One more game…please, Lily?" Sirius widened his blue eyes into the biggest puppy dog eyes Lily had ever seen.

"Fine!" she huffed. "One more and that's it!" Irritated as she was with Sirius, Remus, and the whole arrangement, it had been ages since she had played.

Two games later, both of which Lily won, she flung herself back on the floor and refused to play anymore.

"Done!" she exclaimed. "I'm exhausted. It's nearly midnight."

Sirius yawned.

"If you insist," he said lazily. He sprawled out on the floor, propping his head on his pillow and draping his comforter over him.

"I insist." Lily got up and got into her bed. She was glad that she had already changed into boxers and a t-shirt before Sirius had arrived. Comfortable as she was with him, she wasn't ready to strip for him.

The dark blue draperies on her bed seemed suffocatingly low. Lower than normal. As if they were going to sink lower and lower until they pressed over her airways and stifled the life out of her.

_Hey everyone! I got an amazing response from everyone last time; I'd love to see that again. Let me know what you're thinking – I want to hear it! Until next time - Rochelle_


	28. Talking in Your Sleep

**I also forgot to post this chapter before. Hopefully this helps the sequence**

Chapter Twenty Eight – Talking in your Sleep

"_I win!" her father exclaimed triumphantly._

"_For the first time all week," Lily grumbled. "I've won every other night."_

"_Don't forget two nights ago," her mother reminded her. "I believe I won that night."_

"_And I think I won…what was it…Monday night?" her father mused._

"_Okay, okay!" Lily laughed. "You two win occasionally, but I'm the Scrabble master."_

"_You're just getting to smart at that school of yours," her mother said fondly. "What are you learning about now?"_

_It was summer break, so she really wasn't learning much of anything, but Lily launched into a excited description anyway._

_Her parents listened in fascination, even though they didn't understand a lot of what she said, but a disgruntled snort broke the happy moment._

"_Hmmph!" The three of them turned to see Petunia standing behind them, a look of contempt on her long narrow face._

"_So fascinated with Lily and her witchy ways, but nobody bothers to ask me what's happening in _my_ life," she snapped._

"_Petunia, darling, of course we care about your life. We hardly ever see Lily, though, so we were just catching up a bit."_

"_So talented, isn't she?" Petunia laughed bitterly. "Perfect little Lily…I can see her for what she is though. She's a _freak_!"_

"_Apologize to your sister," Lily's father demanded, standing up. "I will not accept this type of behavior from any child of mine."_

"_I refuse," Petunia said coldly. "She deserves whatever comes to her. She's the embarrassment of the family."_

"_Petunia," Lily's mother protested. "Why must you be so angry?"_

"_Why must you be so blind, Mother? Your daughter's an aberration. You know what they should do with people like that? They should lock them up in the insane asylum!"_

_Before anyone could say anything, Petunia spun out of the room, her face triumphant. Lily sat there numbly, unable to comprehend what she heard._

"_Don't listen to her," her mother said. "We love you, Lily. You're wonderful, and we're so proud of your special abilities."_

"_You don't think I'm an…an aberration?" Lily whispered, a tremble in her voice. Tears were starting to well up in her eyes._

"_Of course not," her father said dismissively. "Petunia…is just being hateful. We'll have a talk with her later…" _

_Her parents stood up from their chairs and crouched beside her. They wrapped their arms around her, enveloping her in their warmth and affection._

_They loved her._

They had trusted her. They had been proud of her special abilities. It was her special ability that had gotten them killed.

Lily lay stiffly in bed, trying not to make a noise. The familiar cries started to echo in her head.

"No…" she moaned, trying to block them out. Slowly, as not to disturb Sirius, she reached for the bottle of sherry from under her bed. A glass of that never failed to calm her nerves.

Before she even had a hand on the bottle though, another hand was grasping hers.

"Don't do it, Lily. You promised," Sirius said in a low voice. He hadn't been sleeping like she had thought.

Lily sat up and crossed her arms over her chest defensively.

"I need it," she whispered.

"_You killed us…"_

"_It's your fault…"_

"No, you don't. Lily, look at me. Lily, damn it, look at me!" Sirius jerked her chin up so she was staring him in the eye. His eyes were the same color as her father's.

"_Daddy…."_

"Talk to me, Lily. What's wrong?" She was so cold. She was shaking. Was she going crazy? She wasn't sure.

"Let me go!" she screamed.

"Lily, what's wrong? You were fine just ten minutes ago!" Sirius was beginning to look panicked as he knelt by her bedside.

Lily buried her head in her hands and curled into a tight ball.

"My fault," she whispered as she began to rock back and forth on the bed.

"What was your fault?" Sirius asked quietly.

"I killed them!" It wasn't a scream in volume, but a scream in intensity, a desperate pleading noise.

"No…no, Lily, you didn't." Sirius got up on the bed beside her and wrapped his arms around her.

"You don't know what you're talking about! You don't hear them!"

"Hear who?" he asked in confusion. "Lily…they're dead. They can't be heard anymore."

"'Every time I close my eyes they're all I can hear! And they blame me!"

"No…Lily, you didn't have anything to do with it, listen to me."

Lily flailed in his grasp, trying to get free.

"Petunia was right! I never should have come to Hogwarts. If I had ignored that cursed letter everyone would be safe and sound and sleeping in their own beds tonight! My selfish desire to be different and my pride in my abilities killed them! Let me GO!" She beat her fists on his hard chest to no avail.

"It's okay, Lily. Don't stop…you need to get it all out," Sirius soothed, rubbing her back.

She tried to push him away, but he was too strong.

Her terrified, guilty cries continued to spill from her lips as she trembled in his arms. When she could rage no longer, she collapsed against him.

Sirius held her gently, running his hand through her long auburn hair. Lily cried silently, for the first time in what seemed like forever.

"Lily, you can't blame yourself," Sirius said lowly after the last tears had fallen. "Beating yourself up over it isn't going to help anything or anyone, especially you."

A lone candle flickered on the wall and its light reflected in Sirius's intense blue eyes.

"If you'd let yourself heal and grow strong again, you could fight back, Lily. Fight Voldemort. If you can't do it, then nobody can. The wizarding world needs someone with strength to fight, the determination to carry on, and the resiliency to bounce back after failure. You can do it, Lily, I know you can."

Lily heard him, but didn't respond. She couldn't do it, no matter what Sirius said. Voldemort was the most powerful wizard in the word; Lily was a seventeen-year-old student.

"Think about it, Lily. Every time you reach for one of those bottles, you're letting Voldemort win again. Another life he's destroyed. Another victory over a good, innocent being. You can't let him have that triumph. He's taken too much from you. Now's your chance to stop being the victim and becoming the aggressor."

Sirius's face was grave but his words were passionate. Lily could tell that he really believed what he said, and that was touching. She was so tired though. So exhausted…

…and she fell asleep in Sirius's arms, her head tucked against his chest. For the first time in a long time, she slept soundly, not in an alcoholic stupor, not plagued by bad dreams, but the sleep of a body too worn out to go any longer.

Remus and Sirius alternated spending the nights with Lily after that first trying night. It bothered Lily that they had so little trust in her, although she knew that she had been prepared to blow any trust they might have had.

Every night the inevitable nightmares came. And every night, there was someone there to comfort her. It was a strange feeling, letting it all go. It was slightly pleasant though, for no matter how much warmth and oblivion alcohol could give her, it never eased her fears so thoroughly.

By Saturday she was beginning to think that she preferred the new method to her old one. Was there such a thing as a nighttime escort? She could put an ad out:

_Wanted: a person of a comforting nature to hold scared and angry girl when the nights become too much to bare._

She'd probably get a bunch of horny boys willing and ready to take the job. Definitely not what Lily needed.

She couldn't ask Remus or Sirius to take the position permanently. They had other lives, their own beds. They were only staying with her to make sure she held up her end of the deal.

Speaking of which, Lily didn't think that Remus had ever told Dorcas. Pushing aside the potions assignment she had been working on, she got up to go and find him.

As she left the Head's Common Room she passed James. If he had noticed her nighttime visitors, which he most surely had, he hadn't said anything.

It was strange, really. Lily didn't feel like analyzing her good fortune however, she was on a mission to find Remus.

Remus groaned when he saw Lily flying down the hall towards him. He didn't normally react negatively when he saw her, especially looking as lively as she was today, but her eyes gleamed in a rather suspicious manner.

She was coming to ask him if he had told Dorcas, he knew it.

"Remus, I have to talk to you," she said as soon as she had reached him. He reluctantly led her to an alcove behind a tapestry that would provide them with privacy.

"Have you talked to Dorcas?" she asked bluntly.

He winced. There was no beating around the bush with Lily. He pushed a strand of long sandy hair away from his face. He really needed a haircut.

"No," he said lowly. "I haven't."

"You're running out of time," Lily reminded him. "Are you going to keep this deal or not?"

"Oh, I'll keep it," Remus sighed. "You don't understand though Lily, how hard it is to do."

"I understand perfectly," Lily said icily. Then her tone softened and she added, "Did you ever hear the quote 'the truth will set you free', Remus? It's true, you know."

She touched his hand lightly with hers. The brief touch meant more than usual, coming from Lily. Becoming comfortable with others was part of her return to the living.

Her complete honesty nagged at Remus, reminding him that Lily had been laying herself bare in front of Remus and Sirius, and he still wasn't able to tell Dorcas one little sentence.

"_I'm a werewolf." _It was all he had to say.

"I'll come with you," Lily offered.

"No thanks," Remus said. "I have to do this on my own."


	29. How a Heart Breaks

Remus made his way slowly towards the Gryffindor common room. Each step closer to Dorcas caused the panic in his stomach to build higher, until he was nearly dizzy with apprehension. He had never told anyone other than his three best friends about his condition. How could he do this? He couldn't…no, he could. He must.

Luckily, Dorcas was sitting on one of the couches in the common room, reading a book by the fire.

"Dorcas," he said. His voice cracked on her name and he blushed. "Can I talk to you?"

She looked at him suspiciously but stood. "Sure, where do you want to go?"

"Somewhere private," he said. "Follow me."

Dorcas tucked a bookmark in the heavy leather bound book and placed it on an end table next to the couch. She was wearing jeans and a button down shirt, and her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail.

She looked comfortable and casual in the outfit, which put Remus at ease. They made their way to the Room of Requirement, which few knew about, a room that Remus frequented often.

"Where are we?" she asked, looking around the room. For this occasion the room had provided two comfortable armchairs, a cheery fireplace, and a shelf of books. Remus winced when he saw the titles.

_Understanding Lycanthropy_ and _Where is the Werewolf?_

Many other similar titles filled the shelf. The room was none too subtle.

"Sit," he said, trying to sound inviting. He sounded commanding instead. Beside Dorcas' chair was a box of tissues. Remus cringed. Could the room predict Dorcas' reaction already?

"I have something to tell you," he began when he saw Dorcas waiting expectantly. "About why I…why I stopped answering your owls this past summer."

Dorcas continued looking at him with a look on her face that said, "How stupid do you think I am?" It were as if she knew what he was trying and failing to explain. It made since, Remus supposed, since the last thing that had happened between them was the unofficial breakup.

"Okay, you knew that already," Remus faltered. "What I'm trying to say…you can't tell anyone this."

Dorcas narrowed her brown eyes. "Who do you think I'm going to tell? 'Hey everyone, want to hear why Remus dumped me?' Not happening, Remus."

"It's just…if anyone found out, it would turn out really bad…really, really, bad."

Dorcas nodded. "I swear I won't tell anyone, Remus. It's not anyone else's business, it's ours."

"I'm a werewolf."

Dorcas leaped out of her seat and then fell back into it. Her face drained completely of colour and the pale freckles that dusted her cheeks stood out in a startling contrast.

_She hated him,_ Remus thought. _He disgusted her. It showed on her face._

"And you never told me?" she whispered.

Remus shook his head, not trusting himself to speak.

"I can't believe you." She shook her head slowly, gripping the armrests of the chair until her knuckles turned white. "I just can't believe you…"

Remus felt himself turning what he knew must have been a lovely shade of green. He felt like he was going to puke, right there in front of her.

_He couldn't, he had to control himself._

Dorcas stood carefully and looked him in the eye.

"I'm leaving now," she said carefully. "Please don't follow me."

Remus nodded miserably. He wasn't in any condition to follow anyone at the moment.

Lily found Remus standing in an empty corridor staring out a window. His jaw muscles were clenched tightly and his hands were balled up into fists, not his normal relaxed posture.

"What happened?" she asked gently.

"She hates me," he said in a clipped voice.

"Are you sure?" she asked. "I don't think Dorcas is capable of hating anyone. Especially not someone she liked so much."

Remus shook his head. "You didn't see the way she looked at me. She looked like she wanted to kill someone. Someone, of course, being me."

Lily tentatively slipped an arm around Remus. The gesture felt surprisingly natural, surprisingly right to be comforting him this way. His body, although slim, was hard and sleek. People often said looks were deceiving, and in Remus' case it was true. His slender body was amazingly strong.

"I don't believe that she hates you. Dorcas might be angry right now, but she'll realize tomorrow that it took a lot of courage to do what you did. The only reason she has to be angry is that you didn't tell her sooner, and she'll get over that. And then you can move forward, or at least be at peace."

Remus slipped an arm around Lily, grateful for her support. She was proving to be an invaluable friend.

"Thanks," he whispered, staring out at the sun setting over the Hogwarts lake. The golden rays spread over the brilliant waves, turning the lake into a sheet of fire.

Lily rested her head softly against his shoulder, taking in the view with him. No matter what happened, how bad things were, or how earthshaking the day had been, the sun would always set. The next day, the sun would rise in the east, as if nothing had happened the previous day.

The thought made Lily feel small and insignificant, standing in the cold stone hallway with Remus.

Slowly and gracefully the sun sunk below the horizon, leaving the lake an inky black. The fire had burned out, leaving the cold aftermath and ashes behind.

* * *

The strips of bacon, although perfect - like all the food the house elves prepared - looked completely unappetizing to Remus. The hash browns, the eggs, and the toast looked equally unappealing.

"Not hungry, Moony?" James observed as he reached for his goblet of pumpkin juice.

Remus shook his head. His light brown hair swished emphatically around his narrow face.

"Good," Sirius mumbled through his a mouthful of scrambled eggs. "That mean's that there's more for me." He snatched Remus' plate and scraped the untouched food onto his own plate.

James narrowed his bright hazel eyes at him and turned to Remus.

"Want some of mine?" he offered. "That fool just…"

Remus, however, was no longer thinking about food. The _Daily Prophet_ had arrived, and the front headline was screaming words, bone chilling words, that had made his lean face pale.

"No…" he whispered in horror. Around him, other students unfolding their papers were reacting likewise.

Remus jumped from the table and turned to flee out of the Great Hall. Lily, appearing a bit late, grabbed him as he ran by her.

"Remus!" Remus tugged his arm to free himself from her grasp. Lily held on just as stubbornly.

"Lily," he said in a low voice. "Let. Me. Go." His voice was so cold and utterly commanding that Lily immediately obeyed. Remus once again took off, bolting through the large doors opening into the main part of the castle.

He ran, heart and feet pounding in an offset rhythm, down the corridor, up the stairs, down more corridors, until finally he reached the Gryffindor common room.

It couldn't be. It was a lie. The _Daily Prophet_ was nothing but a trash-talking tabloid.

Lily saw the scene spreading out before her, the students reading the Daily Prophets with shocked expressions, others with the paper crumpled in their hands, already starting to sob, and Dumbledore making his way gravely to the centre of the staff table in the front of the large hall.

Lily quickly made her way over to the Gryffindor table where the emotions seemed the strongest.

"What's going on?" she hissed as she sat down next to Sirius.

Sirius' eyes were solemn and his normally tan skin was white.

"It's Dorcas," he answered, his voice a bit unsteady. "She…"

"Staff and students, may I have your attention?" Dumbledore's deep voice resounded throughout the room. All eyes turned to focus on him, many filled with tears, some still unbelieving, and only a few uncaring.

"It is with deepest sorrow that I stand before you today. I had hoped to announce this to you before you read about it in the paper, but I am too late for many of you.

"A student of Hogwarts, a treasured and talented Gryffindor, was murdered at her home early this morning, along with the rest of her family. The Death Eaters pulled a surprise attack. There are no survivors."

A freckle-faced girl at the Hufflepuff table let out a long, keening wail. Her housemates wrapped their arms around her to bolster her.

"The motive of this attack has not yet been determined. However, it could be that Voldemort deemed the Meadows too intelligent, too skillful, too strong of an enemy, and felt the need to rid himself of such a great opponent.

"Whatever the reason is, we must not let her memory fade. Dorcas was a very bright, very powerful witch. She died on the side of good, died at the hands of evil. Hogwarts must stand up in support of her and her convictions. We will not let our students die, one by one, at the hands of the Dark Side. The Light Side will overcome, but only with the help of the younger generation."

Lily stared at Dumbledore in a mixture of fear, disbelief, and intense grief. Sirius slipped a supportive arm around her waist, and she sagged limply against his solid body. Marlene, Emmeline, and Alice tearfully made their way to where Lily, Sirius, and James were sitting. Peter followed shortly.

"What was she doing at home anyway?" Lily whispered. "I had just seen her yesterday…"

"She said she needed to see her family," Marlene answered, her brown eyes swollen and her dark hair falling in her face. "But why?"

Lily felt sickening realization hit her. Remus had told Dorcas. Dorcas had gone home. Dorcas was murdered.

"Lily?" Marlene watched recognition take over Lily's features. "What happened, Lily?"

Lily shook her head and stared up at the girl who had once been so close. They had been such good friends. Lily, Alice, Emmeline, Marlene, and Dorcas. Then Lily dropped out of life, quit living. Now Dorcas. There were only three of the remaining Gryffindor Girls.

Marlene began to shake and Alice wrapped her arms around her. Emmeline joined in, and then they looked towards Lily, who was still in Sirius's grasp. Slowly, a little unsure, Lily stood up.

The four girls huddled together; swaying and shaking, stuttering and crying, each depending on the others to remain standing.

Sirius stood up, and James leapt over the table, and the two wrapped their strong arms around the girls. In a large, comforting mass, the seventh year Gryffindors clung to each other.

Over at the Slytherin table, heavy lidded eyes observed them through a curtain of dark hair. The hair obscured a face contorted with ill-disguised glee. It was another victory for the Dark Side, and eliminating a Gryffindor only heightened his pleasure.

* * *

He was staring out the window, but he didn't see the bright yellow sun rising in the cornflower sky. He didn't see the hawks gliding above the treetops, didn't see the trees themselves; it all went unnoticed.

The tears in Remus' eyes were clouding out all else, creating a wavering, glistening curtain that shaded the world in front of him.

Dorcas was dead. He couldn't believe it. He had practically murdered her himself. He had confessed his true identity, and she had fled, and had died in the process.

Remus turned from the window and the light that was pouring in and sank wearily into the soft respite of his four-poster bed. He drew the heavy Gryffindor draperies tight around him, cocooning himself in his dark little rectangular world.

He could hear the sound of the door to the room opening. He cursed silently; praying that whoever it was would leave quickly. It was either Sirius or Peter, neither of whom he wanted to see at the moment.

"So, Dorcas is dead," came the quavering voice from outside of the bed curtains. It was Peter.

Remus clenched his fists and jaw tightly, willing himself to remain silent. If he could pretend that he was sleeping, maybe Peter would go away.

"I'm really sorry," Peter warbled on. "I'm really, really sorry. So sorry." He sounded teary, which wasn't abnormal considering the situation, but he also sounded guilty.

Remus closed his eyes; trying to think of nothing, feel nothing.

"I would have never wished for this to happen," Peter went on. "Believe me, Remus. I didn't want this for Dorcas."

Remus gave up all pretenses of sleeping and bolted up right and flung aside the curtain.

"I don't give a damn if you're sorry or not! I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but I would appreciate if you could just haul your apologetic ass out the door!"

Peter's runny blue eyes widened and he nearly tripped over his own feet. Nodding his head and blinking his eyes, he backed out of the room.

"Of course…" he murmured. "I'm sorry…so sorry…"

_Hey everyone! I know the question of the day is "is she ever going to snap out of it?" Well, considering Dorcas just died, Lily's doing pretty well in this chapter. I offer a glimpse of the future, however. Give me two chapters, and I think I'll have answered your question! After that, there's no telling what will happen. Can you last that long? Tell me what you think – drop me a review to let me know! Until next time – Rochelle_


	30. Transitions

Dumbledore announced that classes for sixth and seventh years would be optional, in effect from the present until the day after the memorial service. Most people, especially those in Gryffindor were in no shape to focus on classes at the present time.

In a compact group, Lily and the rest of the group made their way up to the Gryffindor common room. Peter was coming down the stairs, his eyes wild and his hands shaking.

"He's crazy," he blurted as he stumbled past the group.

Lily immediately knew what he was talking about. Remus. Of course Remus was going crazy. He must have felt immense guilt, such self-deprecation.

Leaving the rest of the Gryffindors, Lily bounded up the stairs to the boys' dormitory, running up the winding tower until she reached the seventh year boys' room.

She walked in, stepping carelessly over a pair of dragon boxers and dirty robes, making her way to the tightly closed off bed next to the window.

Pulling the curtains aside, she slipped through them and sat down on the bed. Remus was lying on his back, staring at the top velvet drapery with unseeing eyes.

Lily leaned over and stroked his fine brown hair, comfortingly caressing.

"Go away," he said flatly.

"No," she said softly, touching his cheek lightly. "I'm not leaving you."

"I don't need your help," he said in that same monotone.

Lily didn't answer. The conversation sounded familiar, a conversation they had once had, in reverse. This time it was Lily who was there for Remus.

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven," she said, resting her hand on his head. "A time to be born, and a time to die."

Remus finally looked at her, his soft blue eyes full of remorse and self-hatred.

"What's that?" he asked.

"A verse from the Bible, a book that we have…had in our home. A very significant book."

"So what does that mean?"

"We all have a time in which we're born, and a time in which we'll die, and nothing can change that. Nothing could have prevented Dorcas' death. She would have died one way or another, be it the stomach flu or the Death Eater's attack."

Remus smiled softly. "Thanks for trying to make me feel better," he said. "Those are nice thoughts."

"They're true," Lily protested.

"Are they? Did you believe in them when your parents died?" he asked, not unkindly.

Lily flushed and realized the unintended hypocrisy of her statement. Although she did believe them true in general, when it was so close to home, nothing could ease the pain.

"It really isn't your fault, Remus. We don't even know if that's why she went home. Her mother may have gotten sick or something."

Remus laughed bitterly. "Sick mother, huh? I know all about sick mothers."

* * *

Hogwarts became silent and moody after losing its first student to Lord Voldemort's tyranny. Classes resumed, but the students were listless and silent. The loss of Dorcas had hit close to home. The war had once been removed, something that was happening in the adult world outside of the safety of Hogwarts. Now, one of their own had been brutally murdered. It could happen to anyone, it could happen to everyone. Nobody was safe. 

Lily felt herself drawn back into the old circle of friends as they attended the eloquent memorial ceremony led by Dumbledore, as they mourned Dorcas' death in the Gryffindor Common Room after, and as they leaned on each other for support.

It was they, after all, who remembered the most about Dorcas. They had spent nearly six and a half years with her, living in the same quarters as her, enrolled in the same classes, going out together on weekends.

The rejoinder of Lily to the group was slow and awkward. More than anything, Lily valued her privacy, and was unwilling to share her own feelings with any of the girls. They were wary of her, and were exceedingly careful of their words and actions.

To make the tension worse, Lily felt uncomfortable in James' continuing presence. If it weren't for the need she felt to protect Remus, she would have avoided them all. Instead she found herself a quiet, nearly invisible member of the circle that she had once been such a part of, like a link that had distorted and warped, unable to close the gap like she once had.

Remus himself was silent and withdrawn, his thin face gaunt and his eyes dull. Lily found herself transitioned suddenly from the role of protected to protector. It felt like a responsibility to great to bear, a step that she wasn't prepared for.

As if nature was trying to make up for the loss of Dorcas, the setting glided into a fairytale winter. Large crystals of snow hung suspended in the sky, swaying lazily as they slowly descended to earth. A blanketing of whipped cream snow covered the grounds of Hogwarts, radiating light in the bright winter sunlight.

The castle itself held jagged icicles, harsh beauty dangling from the ledges, twists, and etchings of the thick, stone walls.

Younger students built snowmen and enchanted them with everlasting spells, creating a maze of human like snow figures over the hills. The lake, its surface smooth and hard, froze into a skating pond for all to enjoy after classes and on weekends.

Lily even found herself tempted to join the students frolicking in the winter paradise that had came so suddenly, but something in her was still holding her back.

She wasn't quite ready to return to the Lily that she had once been. The carefree Lily of long ago was a stranger to her, an unknown figure that she didn't know whether to welcome back or to avoid.

Instead she spent her time in classes, attending to Heads' duties, and sitting with Remus. Sirius would join them, but he was often convinced to leave his brooding friends for the opportunities the season was providing.

This particular Saturday, however, Sirius was spending the day sipping hot chocolate in the Heads' common room with Lily and Remus. James was absent, presumably studying in the library or off enjoying the freedom of the weekend.

"It's almost Christmas," Sirius commented thoughtfully.

"Truer words were never spoken," Remus answered dryly, lying on one of the crimson couches, staring at the ceiling.

"Hey, have some spirit, it's the season," Sirius protested half-heartedly. It was no secret to Sirius and Lily why Remus was depressed. Dorcas' death had affected them all, but it had hit Remus the hardest. He couldn't shake the feelings of guilt, and none of his friends knew how to ease them.

"Ho ho ho," Remus said, his voice hollow.

Lily, who was sitting with her back against the same couch Remus was lying on, closed her eyes as a flood of memories hit her.

"_Mommy! Daddy! It's Christmas! Can we open presents?" Lily and Petunia scrambled on their parents' large king sized bed, their red hair tangled from sleep and flannel pajamas rumpled._

"_Mmmph…" their father moaned loudly, flinging a hand over his eyes to shade out the bright light that Lily had turned on as she entered the room._

"_What time is it?" their mother mumbled, fumbling for her alarm clock._

"_Five thirty!" Lily chirped, beginning to bounce on the cushiony bed. She tripped and fell heavily on her father, who let out a yelp of pain._

"_Kids…"_

"_Please, Mom?" Petunia pleaded. _

_Their parents grumbled loudly, but slowly got out of bed. It was Christmas time at the Evan's household once again, and the festivities were about to begin._

"Lily? You with us?" Lily opened her eyes to see Sirius peering at her. He was sprawled out in the middle of the floor, his chin propped up in his hand.

"What?" Lily shook her head to clear the cobwebs of days gone by. "Yeah, I'm listening…what did you say?"

"I was asking if you wanted anything special for Christmas," Sirius repeated patiently. A curly lock of his black hair fell over his face and dangled in front of his brilliant blue eyes. He tossed his head in attempts to put the misbehaving hair back in its place, but his efforts were in vain.

"Oh…no, not really," Lily said faintly. Christmas time had always been the most exciting time of year in her home. She couldn't imagine a Christmas without her parents, without her family.

"What about you, Remus?" Sirius asked.

"Can you take away my lycanthropy?"

"You know I can't do that, Moony." Sirius' voice was unusually soft.

"Then there's nothing that you can do for me."

Sirius frowned and rolled over on the plush carpeting. If only James were around more often to help him out; Sirius wasn't used to saving people from their doldrums. Besides the initial bonding after Dorcas' death however, James had continued his role as the absent Marauder.

It wasn't fair, Sirius thought. James had left him, Peter was acting twitchy, and Remus was lost in his tormented thoughts. Not even Sirius' good humor and charm was enough to save the fabulous foursome now.

The month of December, although beautiful, was a gloomy period for the upper-year Gryffindors. Dorcas' death weighed heavily on their minds.

Marlene, Emmeline, and Alice were moping and miserable, Remus had all but disappeared, Peter avoided them all, Sirius was at a loss for what to do, and Lily… Lily was trying to pretend the holiday season wasn't happening.

It was a difficult task when nearly all of her Heads' duties revolved around preparing for Christmas and the celebrations the holiday would bring.

_Snow lay heavily on the branches of the evergreens. Lily could see the boughs of the magnificent trees straining with the effort to bear the burden of beauty._

_It was days like this that had been the best days; the days when Lily, Petunia, and their father would build snow forts and play three-way snowball fights._

_Her mother would occasionally join them, but more often she'd be waiting inside with large mugs of hot chocolate. The steaming chocolate would always have a peppermint candy cane tucked in it, the minty perfection slowly dissolving in the liquid. When paired with the gingerbread men and Christmas cookies the girls had baked, no treat could compete. _

"Lily? Are you with us?" McGonagall's sharp voice jerked Lily out of her reminiscing.

"I'm here," she mumbled, forcing her eyes from the winter scenes just on the other side of the window.

Walking down the hallway became hazardous.

"_Merry Christmas," Petunia said stiffly, holding out a plainly wrapped box. Lily opened it slowly to find a pair of wool socks._

"_Thank you," Lily replied, her voice equally rigid. Her cold voice hid the burning disappointment in her gut. Every year she hoped that something would change; that this time things would._

"Hey, watch where you're going!" an irritated fifth year snapped after Lily walked right into him. Lily blinked and nodded in apology, unable to bring herself completely back to the present. She was being haunted by ghosts of Christmases past, and it was tearing her apart.

_Hey everyone! I hope you liked this chapter. It's very introspective, and I think you'll findthe next chaptera definite contrast! Thanks for all the review, and please continue to send them my way. They make writing this story so much fun! Until next time - Rochelle_


	31. Preparing for the Plunge

_God rest ye merry gentleman, may nothing you dismay…_

Lily woke up at 5:30 on Christmas morning. It was a life-long habit; come Christmas, she was up at the crack of dawn.

This year was different though, instead of running to her parents' bedroom, as she had done even as a teenager, she was alone in her room at Hogwarts.

Groggily, Lily stood up and slipped into fuzzy hippogriff slippers and her still shockingly lime green robe. She padded over to her mirror and took a good, long look.

Her eyes were cloudy with sleep, her hair disheveled, and a long crease ran down her right cheek from her wrinkled pillowcase.

"Happy Christmas," she greeted her reflection dismally. The girl in the mirror didn't answer. She just stared back at her unsmiling. They both knew there was nothing happy about this Christmas.

Unsure of what to do, Lily walked out into the space that she and James shared. It was predictably empty. Lily continued on, out of the Heads' quarters, and down to the Great Hall. It was decorated cheerily in Christmas greens and poinsettias, magical icicles, and festive ribbons, the products of Lily and James' hard work as Heads.

A floating mistletoe hovered near Lily, as if unsure of what do with the single occupant of the room. An intense feeling of loneliness washed over Lily and she turned and fled the room. She ran back up the flights of stairs, nearly shouted the password to the Heads' quarters at the sleeping portrait, and dove back into her own bedroom. A small pile of presents had appeared during her absence, wrapped in bright colors and finished with elegant bows.

Lily ignored the gifts and turned to her trunk. A small bottle of fire whiskey, the lone survivor of Remus and Sirius' great sobering up effort, lay nestled in folds of fabric. Lily grabbed it, stroking it softly with shaking hands.

She had gone so long without a drink. Remus and Sirius had succeeded for the most part in their plan; Lily had found herself turning to them rather than the oblivion of alcohol. Today was different though; it was Christmas Day. Remus had gone home to his family, and Sirius would be celebrating, as he ought to. It wouldn't be fair for Lily to ruin his holiday by collapsing on his shoulders.

Convincing herself she was right, Lily took the bottle and slipped out of the room. James had surely gone home to his family over the holidays, and Lily wanted to huddle in the warmth of the fire.

"_A bike?" squealed five-year-old Lily. "My very own bicycle?" The bike was a shiny red with a sleek black seat._

"_Your very own," her mother repeated in pleased amusement. "Now your dad and I can teach you how to ride it, so you bike with Petunia."_

_Lily and Petunia shared a look of delight. Petunia had received a bike the year before, and the two girls had been yearning for the day when they would be able to travel the neighborhood together._

Lily took a sip of the fire whiskey, both surprised and thankful for the burning sensation it left as it trickled down her throat. She tucked herself deeper into the corner of the soft red couch, trying to envelop herself in its comforting solidity.

"_Here, Petunia, I made this for you," Lily said shyly. It was a framed picture that Lily had painted of the two sisters, depicting the two girls hugging, their red heads touching and big smiles spread across their pale skin._

"_It's beautiful," Petunia whispered as she slowly stroked her thin fingers across the painting. "I'll treasure it forever."_

_It was the last Christmas before Lily left for Hogwarts, the last Christmas where the two girls were still the best of friends. At the time, neither of them had thought anything could pull them apart._

Lily's emerald eyes darkened and welled with tears. _Petunia…_ It hurt to remember how close they had once been. Their parents had been so proud that their daughters didn't experience the sibling rivalry like so many children did. For the first eleven and three-quarter years of Lily's life, they had been the perfect family…

Perhaps that was the reason for its downfall. Perfection never lasts, and neither did Lily's family.

Lily clenched the bottle tightly in her hands and tilted it back again. She gasped as the fiery liquid hit her empty stomach. She started to bring it back up to her lips again when a gentle voice stopped her.

"Don't, Lily. Please, don't." It was James, clothed in plaid pajama pants and a white cotton t-shirt. His hazel eyes were pained as he stood in front of his bedroom door.

Lily lowered the bottle slowly, her cheeks burning in humiliation.

"I thought you were gone," she said.

James shook his head and walked over to her. He wrapped his long fingers around the bottle she was still holding. Lily started at the warm touch of his skin. It had been so long since she had touched him, yet it felt so familiar.

"I couldn't leave," he finally answered. He offered no explanation. His fingers were slowly working the bottle out of Lily's grasp. Numbly, Lily let him.

James stood in front of her for a moment, his body stiff, as if he were unsure of what to do. Then he knelt down in front of her, taking her hands.

"I know it hurts, Lily. I know how badly it hurts." Behind his glasses, James' eyes were honest, sincere, and uncertain.

Lily felt herself grow rigid, wanting to push James away, yet welcoming his presence at the same time. It was as if her mind and body were at war: her mind fighting him, her body wanting him. She felt so alone, and she wanted someone to hold her more than anything.

James slowly wrapped his arms around her, pulling her towards him. Unexplainably, Lily let down her defenses and fell forward into his grasp. Tears of loneliness, sadness, and complete desolation poured from her eyes, slowly soaking the thin cotton of James' shirt.

She sobbed, she screamed, she pounded her fists on his back, until she was too weak to go on.

"It's no use," she said, her voice husky with emotion. "I was doing so well, and then the first thing I turn to is alcohol again. I'm too damn weak."

"You're not weak, Lily," James insisted, his voice low. Lily was surprised to see that his eyes were red and teary as well. "You're the strongest person I know. You've survived more than any of us here."

"I survived it by drowning myself." Lily swiped angrily at her eyes, pulling out of James' embrace. What was she doing? She hated him; she shouldn't be talking to him like this.

"We all make mistakes, Lily." James smoothed her messy hair from her face, gently lifting the strands that were plastered in the salty tears still on her hollow cheeks.

Lily looked directly into his eyes. The hazel eyes, eyes she had known better than her own, reflected empathy, sorrow, and hope.

"We all make mistakes," he repeated. "Drinking can make people do crazy things. It takes control of people, it makes them do things they wouldn't ordinarily do if they were in command of their own body."

Suddenly Lily realized that James wasn't only talking about her. He was talking about himself as well.

"And it's not something that anyone means to happen," he continued. "One drink leads to another, and suddenly you've given complete control to a foreign power."

"And all hell breaks loose," Lily finished.

"All hell breaks loose," James agreed. "Oh, God, Lily," his voice cracked. "If only you knew how sorry I am. How much I wish I had never taken that first drink."

"I'm such a hypocrite," Lily said flatly. "A fucking hypocrite. You screwed up for one night, while I was a mess for months. But because you did it first, anything I did was all right."

"No," James whispered. "It was my fault. I…I'm so sorry, Lily."

Even though she had thought she was completely cried out, Lily felt a warm wetness again slipping down her face.

"I wanted you so bad." Her words came out in a whispered scream. "I was dying inside, and I still loved you so much, but I couldn't do it. It hurt too badly. And then I lost complete control, and made the same mistake you did a thousand times over."

James looked miserable. "I wish I could have been there for you. If only I hadn't done that that night; I could have been there by your side through it all."

"Shhhh…" Lily placed a trembling finger over James' lips. "You can't undo what you did any more than I can change what I did. Let's admit it; we both screwed up."

A quivering, grateful smile lit up James' face. Lily was shocked to realize that it was the first smile she had seen on his face since God knows when. She hadn't been the only one suffering.

Lily took a deep breath as she prepared herself for the plunge. She had already come so far, each step terrifying and slow. She opened her arms and gave him a shaky smile.

James dove forwards, tumbling them over on the couch. Lily laughed, a wild, bubbling laugh. James joined her, and they lay there, laughing and holding each other, reveling in the feel of each other once again.

"If you go look at the end of your bed, there's a gift wrapped in green in that pile," James whispered in her ear after the laughter had ended.

Lily sat up, disentangling herself from his arms and legs. "A present? I…I didn't get you anything."

"That's okay," he smiled. "I don't need anything." His eyes were shining and his face was nearly cracking from the size of his grin.

Lily got off the couch and quickly returned with the small, wrapped gift.

"What's in it?" she asked, shaking it. It was heavy and solid, silent when she shook it.

"Open it," he urged. Lily obliged, recklessly tearing the bright green paper until she saw what it contained.

"A book…" she removed the last of the wrapping paper and dropped it on the floor. "Emily Dickinson…"

"I thought you might enjoy her work," James said shyly.

"I love her poetry. I've never had my own book of it though…" Lily stroked the smooth leather binding, tracing the engraved lettering on the cover. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

They remained like that, Lily on the floor where she had sat to open the gift, James on the couch, for what seemed like eternity. It was an uncertain moment. Where did they go from here? They had forgiven each other for what they had done, and Lily was certain she had done the right thing. She was still unsure however, of what it meant.

She wasn't ready to date him again. No, all Lily wanted right now was his friendship, the knowledge that all was okay between the two of them. There was still too much baggage to take their relationship any further than that. Lily wouldn't feel comfortable with it, and she hoped James would understand that.

On the other hand, James had just saved her from a Christmas of binge drinking. Perhaps the hurt of the first Christmas alone wouldn't be so bad if she had someone at her side.

Suddenly James was there, wiping away yet another outpouring of tears.

"It's still going to hurt, it's still going to be hard…But each day will be better than the last, and each year the pain will dull a little. You just have to make it through the present, and the future with all its promises will come."

Lily tried to smile, but her chin was quivering too hard.

"C'mon, let's eat breakfast," James suggested. He took her hand and tugged lightly. Lily stood up slowly, slipping her hand from his. She could do this, but she would do it in her own time and her own way.

James didn't protest or attempt to take her hand again, content to walk at her side down to the Great Hall. His presence was overwhelmingly new and strange, yet old and reassuring at the same time.

The Great Hall was bustling this time with students and faculty eating breakfast. It was surprisingly full considering it was a holiday. Unfortunately, the crowd was a sign of the times; parents were leery of letting their children leave the safety of Hogwarts. Dumbledore, perched on his throne at the head of the room, watched their entrance. Lily couldn't see them, but she knew his blue eyes were dancing along with the small smile that was playing on his lips.

She returned his smile, although her own was a bit sad. He nodded his head gravely in acknowledgement.

Lily and James continued on to the Gryffindor table. The reaction there was more exuberant. Younger years merely stared for a moment, but the sixth and seventh year Gryffindors all started in their seats. Jaws dropped and smiles bloomed, but the largest reaction was from Sirius.

He let out a yelp and jumped from his seat, spilling pumpkin juice all over himself and the sixth year Gryffindor girl sitting next to him. Then he leapt over his seat to run to Lily and James.

"Lily! Prongs! You're…you're…"

Sirius grabbed Lily and twirled her around. "Happy Christmas!" he bellowed. The rest of the room laughed appreciatively.

Lily poked him until he set her down again. She quickly slid into a seat at the table, James and Sirius sitting down on either side of her. Both boys were wearing identical grins. Lily was significantly more subdued.

"So, what happened?" Sirius asked eagerly.

Lily shook her head and reached for a goblet of pumpkin juice.

"Nothing," James replied, his smile unfaltering.

Sirius groaned. "Fine, don't tell me. I'm just going to sit here in wonder and amazement and thank my lucky stars. How's that sound?"

"It sounds wonderful." James quickly dug into the plate of extravagant food that sat before him. The house elves had exceeded their normal amazing effort for Christmas.

Sirius elbowed him in the side, but settled himself for remaining in the dark. It really didn't matter what had happened, as long as it had happened. Lily was speaking to James, and that was what counted.

_Hey everyone! Was this what you were looking for? I loved writing this chapter, so I hope you enjoyed reading it. Send me a review and let me know! Until next week - Rochelle_


	32. Regrettable, but Inevitable

It was the best Christmas that James had ever had. It wasn't because of the enormous pile of gifts he had received from his family, friends, and admirers. No, his happiness was a direct result of something much more significant. After a half year of low spirits and regrets, he felt nearly whole again.

To be completely whole, he and Lily would be together again, but he knew he had to take things slow. It was likely that all he and Lily would ever be was friends. He'd have to be ready to accept that.

But _Merlin_…the possibilities. The world was a welcoming pool of opportunity, inviting him to dive in.

He looked up and smiled at Lily who was sitting across the room from him on the floor. He, Sirius, and Lily were relaxing in the Heads' Common Room after an enormous dinner. She gave him a small smile, and Sirius sighed happily.

"I just can't get over this! It's too good to be true. I'd pinch myself, but I don't want to wake up," Sirius confessed almost giddily, running a hand through his shaggy black hair.

James rolled off the overstuffed couch he had been sitting on and sprawled out on the plush rug. The ceiling was high and ornate, decorated with lavish gold. He'd echo Sirius' sentiment, but he didn't want to push matters. Yes, he was ecstatic, but he too feared waking up from what would be a cruelly joyous dream.

"I know!" Sirius said suddenly. "Let's play the Scarbble game again!"

"Scrabble," Lily corrected him, wincing comically. Her eyes lit up briefly and she smirked.

"Think you can beat me this time?"

Sirius snorted. "Think I can't? I've been practicing, you know."

"With who?" Lily demanded. She stood up to get the game from her room where Sirius had left it the night of their last sleepover. "I've had it all this time."

"I went out and bought another copy. Then I bullied Remus into playing with me."

James sat back up. "What's Scarbble?"

"Scrabble!" Lily shouted from her room. She poked her head out the door, box in her arms, and scowled at the two boys. "How is it that a two syllable word is so difficult for supposedly intelligent boys like you?"

"My friend! I do think the lady has insulted us!" Sirius exclaimed indignantly.

James just grinned lazily. "Let the lady do as she pleases; it's her game."

Sirius shot him a knowing look, but remained silent.

Lily settled down between the two of them, opening the box.

"I suppose I have to teach you now," she said to James, looking up from the wooden board in her hands.

"If you would."

She looked at him, her beautiful face lifted to meet his gaze. Their eyes locked for a short, heavy moment. Before she could speak, a knock sounded at the door.

Lily leapt to her feet and opened it. It was Remus, his face long and drawn.

"What's wrong?" Lily asked immediately, stepping aside to let him in.

"It's nothing," he said, not meeting her eye. Then he took in the scene before him and looked at Lily incredulously.

"You…?"

"If you jump up and down I might have to shove you back out the door," Lily warned in jest. "I've had enough of that."

Remus grinned and slung an arm around her narrow shoulder. "I promise not to celebrate too loudly," he swore solemnly. "What happened?"

Lily gave him a sideways glance that seemed to answer his question, or at least promise an answer at a later date, and they proceeded across the room.

James, watching, envied the easy closeness they shared. He had little time to think about it however, as Lily and Remus sat down next to him.

"Happy Christmas," Sirius greeted Remus cheerily. "You're back early."

"I must have missed your charming company," Remus said, leaning his graceful frame back against the couch.

"We're playing Scarbble," Sirius announced, smiling cheekily. They all laughed when Lily's jaw and fists clenched tightly. She waved a fist threateningly, and they laughed harder.

It was so natural. All of his best friends, except Peter, who was continuing to be noticeably absent, were reunited once more. It was almost like last spring, when all was going well. It was only if one looked closely that the changes could be spotted.

Remus' gray eyes were a little flatter, Lily was a quieter, paler version of her former vibrant self, and she sat between Remus and Sirius rather than next to James. Sirius appeared relatively unchanged, but even his blue eyes were less carefree and more cautious.

The shift from a highflying, spirited group to a sedated circle was regrettable, but perhaps inevitable, James thought. It could be that it was all part of growing up; realizing that nothing ever stays the same.

The new relationship between Lily and James lightened the atmosphere of the Heads' common room considerably. In place of the hostile silences were cheerful conversation, casual teasing, and discussion. Remus and Sirius dropped by often after classes were over and added to the fun.

However, what frequently began as lighthearted chat would turn to the concerning events taking place in the wizarding world. Voldemort was continually growing stronger, and every day the Daily Prophet screamed stories of more disappearances and deaths. It was impossible to shrug off the stories when the Dark Lord's touch had already brushed them all.

* * *

"What can anyone do to stop him?" a distraught Lily asked one cold January evening. She had been sprawled on the floor, reading the newspaper aloud to the small group.

"I don't know, Lils. I think we should be ready to fight," Sirius answered from his perch on Lily's ornate wooden desk. He was sitting with his feet propped on her heavy wooden desk chair, shoving it back and forth absentmindedly.

"Us?" Lily asked incredulously. "We're too young!" She put her copy of the paper down on the floor and stood up.

"No we're not," Remus countered grimly. He was leaning against the warm stones that framed the fireplace. "We're legal adults in the wizarding world, and this is as far as we go. Once we graduate from Hogwarts, we're done."

"Surely there are more experienced people out there!" Lily protested, twisting her fingers through her long hair. She began to pace the room, black robes flapping behind her. She threw them off in irritation.

"Sure there are. Half of them are on his side though," James pointed out, whisking the discarded robes away with the flick of a wand. "I'll tell you guys something, as soon as I graduate from Hogwarts I'm becoming an Auror."

Lily's eyes widened and she turned to face him. Becoming an Auror meant intense training and dedication, as well as incredible bravery. James' face was earnest and his eyes glowed with eagerness. He looked ready to take on anything, Lily thought. When had he become so determined and ambitious?

"That's great, Prongs," Remus remarked as he used his wand to add another log to the dancing fire. "What about you, Lily?"

Lily flushed. The previous year and a half had been filled with self-centered misery, not plans for the future.

"I don't know," she admitted, sinking into one of the deep couches. "I haven't exactly thought about it much."

"I think you should consider becoming an Auror, too," James suggested seriously. "You're amazing at charms, and it would be a great skill to add to the Light Side's forces."

Lily shook her head. "I could never be an Auror."

The three boys gave her identical slit-eyed looks. She stared back at them impassively.

"What are you talking about?" Sirius finally demanded. "You're brilliant! Besides…think of it as the ultimate revenge - he kills your parents, you kill him."

Remus shot Sirius a cautioning sidelong look, but Sirius ignored him. It was time to stop tiptoeing around Lily; it was best to have everything out in the open.

"Look at how good I am at dealing with things!" Lily argued hotly. "My parents die and I end up a mindless drunk!"

"That won't happen again," James said firmly. Lily looked at him suspiciously but listened.

"If something like that ever happened again, it'd be different. You're too smart to make the same mistake twice," he explained.

"I don't know – I've been pretty stupid lately."

"It won't happen again," James insisted. "I…"

"We won't let it," Sirius interrupted. "And we have proven just how stubborn we can be, haven't we?" He smiled charmingly.

"Merlin, yes!" Lily laughed. She threw a couch pillow at Sirius, then another at Remus. "When I wasn't thinking of killing myself and ending my own misery, I was plotting murdering the two of you!"

They all laughed, and Lily felt small tears prick at the back of her eyes.

"Seriously though, have I ever told you guys how much that means to me? That you would try to hard…" she trailed off, unable to find the appropriate words.

"It's okay, Lily."

"Anytime." The two pillows that she had thrown came bouncing back and hit her right in the face.

Lily willed the tears back and grinned. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should become an Auror."

* * *

As if Dumbledore had read her mind, Lily received an Owl that night from the Headmaster.

"_Dear Miss Lily Evans,_

_You are cordially invited to a meeting at seven o'clock tomorrow evening in the Headmaster's office. The topic of discussion will be the fight against the rising dark powers in today's wizarding society._

_Sincerely,_

_Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts"_

The message was brief and intriguing. What could Dumbledore possibly have to say? Lily showed James the note, and he showed her his own that he had received.

"Do you know what it's about?" she inquired. James was a great favorite of Dumbledore's; perhaps he knew the meaning of the parchment.

"No, I haven't the foggiest," James shook his head slowly. "We'll just have to wait and see."

The next evening, promptly at seven, Lily found herself amongst other seventh years in Dumbledore's chambers.

"I have gathered you here today to invite you to join an exclusive group dedicated to fighting against the Dark Side," Dumbledore intoned, stroking his long silvery beard. "If this is something you don't wish to participate in, please leave now, no questions asked."

The small group remained motionless. The anticipation hung heavily in the air. Lily was twisting and untwisting a lock of hair, Alice was rapidly tapping her foot, and Sirius kept shifting his weight back and forth. It was as if they could all sense the importance of what the headmaster had to say.

"Good," Dumbledore said as he removed his half-moon spectacles. "Look around amongst yourselves and you will see an elite group of the most talented seventh years at Hogwarts. You have demonstrated extraordinary skill, knowledge, and devotion in your classes. It has not gone unnoticed. However, my question for you today is whether or not you are ready to pledge your life to the Light Side."

The group, which included Lily, James, Marlene, Alice, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and a scattering of Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, and a Slytherin stared at Dumbledore with wide questioning eyes.

"We need strong, able bodies to fight against Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Your generation is going to be essential for the war. If we can start training you now, you will be priceless members of the fight."

"How soon can we begin?" James called out.

Dumbledore smiled affectionately at the fervent Head Boy. "Immediately," he answered. "You are to become the newest members of the Order of the Phoenix."

"The Order of the Phoenix?" one boy repeated. Others slowly nodded their heads in recognition.

"It will happen like this…" Dumbledore began. The students leaned forward as if to better soak in his words. It was the beginning of what would become the most important factor of their lives.

_Hey everyone! Thanks for all the great reviews last time! They're all so appreciated. Here's your next chapter – enjoy! Drop me a review and let me know what you think. As always - Rochelle_


	33. Such Great Heights

_Here begins an embarrassing author's note. Last weekend I uploaded the wrong chapter, skipping this essential chapter, as many of you pointed out. I don't know what to tell you, other than check this one out, and then reread the next chapter so it all makes sense! Sorry…but enjoy!_

Dumbledore's plan included rigorous training, such as an auror might go through, to ready the students for battle. It did not just include magical abilities, but physical strength as well.

As the newest members of the Order stood in the empty Great Hall in loose clothing, as instructed, a tall man stood before them.

"I am Bernard Wythe!" His deep voice rang across the room. He looked not more than a year or two older than the seventh year students. As he spoke, he walked back and forth, his dark robes billowing around his well-built body. "Many wizards believe that all they need to do is wave a wand and they will stay alive. I am here to tell you that that belief is false!

"Witches and wizards must be in top physical condition in order to last through the intense hours, perhaps days, of battle. They must be agile to twist away from their enemy, strong enough to withstand pain, and quick enough to dodge spells. Right now, you would find it difficult to handle the strain of battle. When I'm done with you, you will be able to outlast the best of them."

Indeed, Wythe put them strenuous workouts that left them exhausting and aching. The workouts alternated with advanced classes in fighting techniques and defense strategies, taught by Dumbledore and McGonagall. The classes took place in the evening, and when coupled with classes, Heads' duties, and homework, Lily and James found themselves stretched nearly to the breaking point.

"I can't do this anymore!" Lily gasped as they stumbled into their quarters late one night. "I'm dying!"

"We have to," James protested. "Or we really will die."

They both collapsed onto separate couches, bodies weary from hard work.

"I'm serious, Lily. Think how lucky we are to be able to learn how to fight Voldemort. When he comes for us, we won't be novices."

"_When_ he comes for us? I hope I never see that awful man," Lily shuddered.

"Don't be a fool," James said in a low voice. "He'll find us, I can feel it."

"Do you really think so?"

"I know it," James answered grimly.

With James' words echoing in her mind, Lily threw herself into the training sessions. On occasion, the class would meet with the rest of the Order to remain informed on its activities. The members were from varied standings; wealthy purebloods, middle class housewives, filthy street urchins, but all were united by their common cause.

Most of the older members welcomed the students as necessary young blood. A few seemed to resent their imposition, but such members were few.

"It's a sad day when we're recruiting children to fight the most powerful wizard in the world," one man grumbled.

"Hush up!" a red haired woman snapped. "They're all of age, and we need their talent! Anyway, Dumbledore's the most powerful wizard in the world. Keep that in mind, will you!"

The other students at Hogwarts were unaware of the new group that had been formed. It required skill to hide the daily meetings, but it was necessary to keep their existence a secret. Knowledge of the enemy was a valuable thing, and they had to keep Voldemort in the dark for as long as possible.

* * *

By early February the group welcomed Hogsmeade weekend as a relief from the stress of their lives. An entire month of hard work weighed heavily on their shoulders, and they set off on the path to town with freedom-starved bodies.

"Where should we go first?" Sirius asked as the snow covered buildings came into sight.

"Must…eat…" Alice gasped playfully, and they all laughed and steered towards the Three Broomsticks.

They ordered butterbeers and snacks to share and settled into a corner booth. The group included Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Alice, Marlene, and Emmeline. All the seventh year Gryffindors, excepting Dorcas.

It was a surprise, really, that Peter had joined them. He had avoided human contact for so long that he was twitchy and tense, and started when spoken to. He was a Gryffindor, though, so they tried to shrug his odd behavior off.

No sooner had they began drinking their butterbeers when a strange squeal sounded from the streets. It was followed by high pitch screams and a loud blast.

"What is it?" Marlene cried, jumping up to peer out the window.

"Death Eaters!" Lily exclaimed in a low voice. Wizards and witches in long robes and hoods were appearing on the streets, wands withdrawn.

The building erupted in fearful cries. Patrons clung to each other in terror: crying, babbling, screaming.

"We need to go," James urged the group. "We have to help."

"Are we ready for this?" Alice questioned nervously. "I don't know…"

"We're more prepared than the poor people out on the street!" James snapped. "Let's go!"

They grabbed their wands and stepped out of the Three Broomsticks. People who had been shopping were running, bags discarded, down the streets at top speed. Children were sobbing and searching for their parents. Death Eaters were tossing people into the air, bouncing them like enchanted rag dolls.

Lily was grateful to see Dumbledore, along with other members of the Order of the Phoenix, facing off against the servants of the Dark Lord. The students would not be alone in the fight.

"Lily!" Marlene screamed. A Death Eater was heading straight for Lily, wand stretched out in front of him.

"_Stupefy!" _Lily shouted, stopping the masked man dead in his tracks. He fell to the ground at her feet.

"I thought you were a goner!" Marlene gasped, staring incredulously at the still wizard. Lily smiled shakily and moved into the street. It was time to fight.

* * *

Hours later, Lily found herself working alongside James. They were down in the direction of a rundown area of town trying to help a live but unconscious woman on the ground.

"What's wrong with her?" Lily whispered. There wasn't a mark on her body, but the woman was deathly white and moaning loudly.

"I think they used the Cruciatus Curse on her," James answered. "She probably passed out from the pain."

'Why didn't they kill her?"

"It looks like they're here for the thrill of torture and fear more than anything else," James muttered in disgust.

"Oh, we are here for much more serious reasons than that," a high, silky voice interrupted. They looked up to see a tall, thin, hooded man standing over them. Beneath his hood glowed two slanting red eyes.

"Some lives – or should I say deaths – are more valuable than others. Like yours, James Potter and Lily Evans."

Lily stood up slowly with James, her insides quaking. It was surely Lord Voldemort that was standing in front of her. The fact that he knew who she was intensified her fear.

"I must eliminate those who are actively working against me," Voldemort explained in a mock friendly voice. "I'm sure you understand."

"_Stupendio!"_ Lily screamed. Nothing happened. Voldemort chuckled, a high-pitched cackle that scraped at Lily's nerves.

"On the count of three, run!" James whispered in her ear. He tapped her three times and then flung a strange fabric around them .No sooner had Lily seen it then it disappeared. She ran none-the-less with James into the nearest store. He guided her to shop's fireplace and grabbed floo powder. In an instant they were stumbling out of the fireplace at the Three Broomsticks.

"What was that?" she demanded.

"Invisibility cloak," he panted. He quickly folded it up and slipped it back into his pocket. "He couldn't see us. Lily, we have to get out of here. If Voldemort's here, it's bad. He's going to be searching for us; he doesn't take failure easily."

"Where do we go?" Lily asked, her voice rising in panic. She took a deep breath to steady herself.

Suddenly a high trill sounded. It was the Order's "all clear" signal. James and Lily stepped cautiously out of the building and onto the devastated street. Bloody bodies were strewn across the ground. Store windows were shattered and glass shards glittered in the bright winter sun. Exhausted Order members and other fighters on the Light side stood wearily amongst the ruins.

Lily stood with James, unsure of what to do. What did one do after fighting in battle? Sound a victory cry? Cry hysterically from the fear, anger, and confusion that were swirling through her mind?

"We should find Dumbledore," James said, answering her unspoken question. "He'll know what to do next."

"I wonder what happened to Voldemort," Lily mused. "He was just here…where have they all gone?"

"Something must have happened," James answered.

They quickly found Dumbledore, who was organizing the still conscious people.

"Lily, James, please escort all the Hogwarts students who are capable of walking back to the castle," he instructed them brusquely. "Go quickly and silently."

Though full of questions, they acquiesced and began to lead the trembling group of students back to Hogwarts. Many of the students had lasted the battle by cowering in the back of shops, and were horrified at the battle scene. As they walked, Lily began ticking off heads.

"Alice, Emmeline, Remus, Peter…James, I can't see Sirius or Marlene!" she whispered.

James scanned the line of students quickly. "You're right. They're not here."

Lily's eyes widened with worry, but she continued to walk forward. Before anything else could be done, they had to get to Hogwarts, a safe haven for them all.

* * *

Once everyone had been properly shipped back to their dorms, Lily and James made their way to the Headmaster's office.

"Professor, what happened?" Lily burst out as soon as they were seated in front of Dumbledore.

The elderly man looked especially old and tired as he took of his glasses and polished them slowly.

"I'm afraid these sort of random attacks will become increasingly frequent," he began. "You fought very well today."

"Where are Sirius and Marlene?" Lily asked, tugging at her hair.

"Sirius is in the hospital wing, recovering from a brief bout with the Cruciatus curse. Marlene…Marlene didn't make it." Dumbledore's long beard and moustache quivered.

Lily's head began to spin and she closed her eyes to steady her thoughts. Marlene couldn't be dead! It couldn't be true.

Next to her, James sat stiffly. "What happened, sir?"

"I can't say," Dumbledore sighed, his eyes heavy and clouded. "When the battle was over, she was one of the bodies on the ground. She died fighting, that is all I know."

Lily felt hot tears slip down her cheeks. So many people, so many tears.

"Voldemort…" James began slowly.

"Voldemort was there. You were very lucky, I may say, to have escaped him. It does not happen often."

"Why didn't he come after us? What happened that the battle suddenly ended?"

"I came across him shortly after you two escaped. I had spotted the encounter and was on my way to offer assistance. We fought briefly, and then he and the Death Eaters withdrew."

What Dumbledore didn't say, but all knew, was that Voldemort feared Dumbledore more than any other. When up against the experienced, skillful wizard, Voldemort and his followers fled. It was Dumbledore who had saved them all.

"I think you need to get some sleep, James and Lily. It's been a hard day, and tomorrow will be nearly as difficult. We must help those at Hogwarts, for many have lost friends and family. Others are suffering mild physical and mental wounds. So go now, and rest. Morning will come only too soon."

The two students rose slowly and exited the room. They stood side by side as the spiral staircase brought them down to the hallway, it was there that Lily turned to James.

"I can't believe it," she whispered. "She just can't be dead. Why is everyone dying, James? Why?"

"I don't know," he whispered hoarsely. "This isn't the way it's supposed to be."

"I'm so damn sick of everyone dying!" Lily cried in a choked wail. James took her into his arms and she laid her head against his firm chest. The tears that had fallen in Dumbledore's office were gone. She had cried for so many people, so many times, that tears seemed repetitive.

Instead she simply stood there with James, leaning against his strong body, feeling his own grief emanate from his warm skin.

"We should go back," she finally said. "I don't think I have the energy to stand on my own anymore."

James pulled back, but slipped a steadying arm around her waist.

"Lean on me," he said. "I'll get us back."

Huddled together, they stumbled through the deserted hallways, accompanied only by the flickering candles that lined the stone walls. When they arrived at their common room, they silently went their separate ways. In the morning, they would talk. That night, things were still too fresh and frightening.

_I hope that clears things up. Again, sorry for the confusion. Until next time - Rochelle _


	34. Live On

_Author's note: If you look at this chapter and see that you've read it before, please click back to chapter 31. When uploading chapters, I accidentally skipped a chapter. I reinserted it, and you will find things much clearer if you go back and read what happened! Sorry for the confusion._

When Lily awoke the next morning echoes of menacing nightmares plagued her. As she struggled to remember the origins of the dreams, the memories of the previous day flooded her mind.

First and foremost were Dumbledore's grave words, "she died fighting."

Stifling a weary yawn, Lily got out of bed and dressed quickly. She stepped out into the common room to find James waiting for her, his face showing a similar exhaustion.

"I thought we should go down together," he explained. "I'm sure Dumbledore will be making announcements at breakfast, and then we'll be assigned a task to complete."

"Wasn't it nice back when Dumbledore and the staff took care of everything for us?" Lily reminisced. "Sometimes I don't think I can handle the responsibility that they place on our shoulders. I feel as if I'm going to fail and let everyone down."

James smiled desolately and tugged at her hand gently. "Let's go down to the Great Hall," he urged.

Together they entered the Great Hall where students were half-heartedly eating breakfast. The usual din of students was muted and sounds of newspaper pages flipping rapidly rustled throughout the large room.

Once the room was full, Dumbledore rose from the staff table to begin his announcement. He solemnly read the short list of names of students who had been injured, fatally or otherwise, during the previous day's attack.

"Under the circumstances," he intoned severely, "Hogsmeade will be off limits to students until further notice. Students are not to leave the grounds without my permission at any time."

Some students began to protest indignantly, others simply nodded in shock.

"It is with great regret that I say that I believe such attacks will continue frequently. However, I do not want any student at Hogwarts to become indifferent as the death toll grows. Every time another innocent being is victimized, grow angry. Fight back."

Lily smiled waveringly at James. Perhaps that was what she needed to do; if she could channel her anger towards Voldemort and his followers into something productive, maybe she could become someone she was proud to be.

Remus and Alice suddenly appeared at her side. Alice's normally cheery round face was pale and Remus' gray eyes were heavy.

Lily stood up and hugged them both.

"What's happening to us?" Alice whispered in her ear as they clung to each other for a short moment.

"I don't know," Lily confessed. "I don't dare dwell on it, for fear of going crazy. I think we just have to keep going, keep trying to fight, like Dumbledore said."

"I'm scared of dying," Alice said as they separated.

"We all are," James interjected.

"That's why it's so important that we do fight," Lily urged. "Otherwise we're only condemning ourselves."

"We were on our way to visit Sirius. Are you up for it?" Remus asked. James and Lily agreed and the foursome made their way to the Hospital Wing.

"I don't know if I should let you all in here," Madam Pomfrey sighed as she guarded the door to the infirmary.

"We can only stay a short while," James argued smoothly. "It'll just be a moment."

"Is that James?" they could hear Sirius yelling from his bed. "Let him in!"

"He can't be hurt too badly," Lily remarked dryly. "I think they could hear him in the Great Hall!"

"Ten minutes," Pomfrey said sternly, her brows furrowed. Lily sent her a sympathetic look, knowing the nurse was probably overworked and worn out from a strenuous night of tending attack victims.

"Looking good," James greeted Sirius when they had gathered around his bed. Sirius did look well, considering he was in a hospital bed. His curly black hair was tousled and his pajamas were rumpled, but otherwise he showed little signs of injury.

"I had a little run in with my cousin, Bellatrix," Sirius explained cheekily, propping himself up on one elbow. "She thought she had me but I pulled a smooth one over her. She was still swearing revenge when she hit the ground."

"Is she dead?" Alice asked worriedly. It hadn't been long ago that Bellatrix Black had been a student at Hogwarts. It was hard to envision any Hogwarts student fatally attacking another.

"No," Sirius sighed. "I wasn't in top form at that time so I just stunned her. Ah well, there'll be other chances." He smiled and winked a big blue eye at his friends.

"So…are we your first visitors?" James asked uneasily. Sirius was too cheery to have heard the results of the battle.

"Yeah, why? Hey, where is everyone else?"

"Emmeline's sleeping," Alice answered, staring at the dark stone floor.

"And Marlene?" Sirius demanded suspiciously.

"She died," Lily said bluntly.

Sirius closed his eyes and sunk back into his pillow. "Oh," he intoned flatly, his eyes still tightly shut. "I see."

Lily swallowed painfully. The day wasn't getting any easier.

"Lily, James, the Headmaster's looking for you," Pomfrey called from her office.

"We have to leave, Padfoot. We'll be back later," James promised as he and Lily left the room. Sirius ignored them. Remus and Alice excused themselves so they could attend class, and then Sirius was alone.

Lily and James spent the rest of the day running errands for Dumbledore and attending to students' needs in the hospital wing. It wasn't difficult work, but it was tiring.

As they filed written accounts of the battle, James turned to Lily with a pensive look on his narrow face.

"Do you remember what time of year it is?"

Lily frowned. "Um…it's February, so…Valentine's Day?"

James nodded. "Remember last year?"

Lily closed her eyes in thought. Yes, she did remember last year – James had sent her roses, which she had cruelly disposed of, he had escorted Dorcas to the ball, but had kissed Lily for the first time out on the grounds.

"I remember," she said softly, the feel of his body pressed to hers still vivid in her mind.

"Things were different then, weren't they?"

"Completely." It was strange to think of it, which was why Lily rarely did. At one time they were like two parts of one whole, completely immersed in each other. Now they were simply friends, two separate entities.

They worked in silence, both lost in their own memories for a time.

"I think we should have another Valentine's party this year." Lily looked up at James, her expression curious.

"Why do you say that?" she asked.

"Because we can't stop living!" he exclaimed. "I don't want Hogwarts to curl into a little ball as if we were afraid of the world."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't want another formal ball. I want a real party. I'll explain it all to Dumbledore; I'm sure he'll let us do it."

"Us?" Lily quirked an eyebrow.

"Yep – you are the Head Girl, are you not?"

Lily smiled. "I'll help. I was just teasing you."

"You wanna go with me?" His voice was strong and cheerful, but his eyes glinted with uncertainty.

"You're presuming they let us have the party," she laughed nervously.

"They'll let us have it," he answered with quiet confidence.

Lily sighed. James continued rifling through the files, feigning indifference. His slightly rushed motions gave his true feelings away.

"I just don't know, James. You're pushing me."

"As friends? Just two people hanging out, like we always do."

Lily closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. She didn't want to hurt him, to ruin the friendship they had, but she couldn't say yes. It meant too much.

"Even if we go separately, we'd end up seeing each other anyway, Lily. It's what friends do."

"Then we'll all go together – me, you, Sirius, and Remus. But if they get dates, then we'll both do our own thing. Just don't ask me to say yes, James. I can't do it."

James looked away in a poor attempt to hide his hurt.

"Don't you see, this is what happens!" Lily cried in exasperation. "You bring this into the equation and everything gets messed up! Let's just keep things simple. No pain, no disappointment, just friends."

"I know. I'm sorry." He kept his head down, eyes fixed on the files.

Lily said nothing. What could one say after such an awkward moment? Instances such as these were prime examples of why girls shouldn't be friends with their ex-boyfriends.

Yet Lily wouldn't give up his friendship for anything. Sirius and Remus were the most supportive, understanding friends she had ever had, but James was special in an entirely different way.

Being with him made her feel alive. She could feel every moment, and at the same time anticipate the future. It was as if she were constantly suspended on the edge of something new and wonderful.

James himself was intelligent, talented, and effervescent. Dialogue flowed smoothly between them, no matter if they were discussing breakfast or the role of centaurs in the war.

A shadow darkened the box in front of her and Lily turned to see James standing over her.

"Closing time," he announced. "Dinner is being served."

Lily reached out a hand and he effortlessly pulled her to her feet.

"Thanks."

"No problem." He gave her a half-smile. His rumpled black hair had specks of white dust in it, and Lily moved to brush off the offending particles.

Falling back into what was once a constant habit, she mussed up his thick locks.

"Hey!" he yelped in surprise. Lily smirked, her lips twitching from suppressed laughter.

"Just couldn't resist," she proclaimed with a look of mock sorrow. Her dancing green eyes betrayed her otherwise solemn face.

James frowned fiercely, but couldn't hold the expression. The stern look melted into reminiscence.

"You ruthless twat," he sighed. He reached over and tugged lightly at one of Lily's own long red tresses. She grinned easily at him, and he couldn't resist smiling back. The awkward moment had passed, and they had fallen back into their usual comfortable routine.

Dinner was a sobering affair, as a brief memorial for the dead and wounded was conducted. Lily felt guilty for having laughed so lightheartedly. At the same time, her grief mechanism felt worn out, overused. Was it possible that the loss of an old friend was no longer enough to sadden her weary heart? It was only that morning that Dumbledore had warned against the very thing.

She expressed as much to James and Remus, who assured her she was not alone.

"It's happening to all of us," Remus said bitterly. "Death is just another story in the Daily Prophet."

Lily saw his saddened gray eyes and remembered another death story in the Daily Prophet not long ago. She slipped her hand across the wooden table to grasp his hand.

"Some people will never be forgotten," she promised softly. "I guess we just need to live on, even as we cling to the past."

James scowled. "If only someone could kill that bastard."

"Maybe someday you will," Lily suggested, poking at her mashed potatoes. They were light and fluffy with bits of herbs, but she had no appetite. It was peculiar how she had seemed to lack an appetite for the past year, for many various reasons.

"Or maybe you will," James countered, heartily eating his own meal. Apparently it took a lot to suppress his healthy appetite.

"Or maybe I'll just bite him," Remus muttered gloomily, taking a long drink of his pumpkin juice.

Lily and James burst into laughter. Remus looked up in surprise, setting his goblet down with a small splash.

"Can't you see it? Lord Voldemort howling at the moon?" James chortled. "It'd be the perfect revenge!"

Remus gave a half-hearted smile, mopping at the spilled juice. "Don't count on it. I doubt he'd taste very good."

Lily wrinkled her nose. "He'd probably tasted like troll dung."

"Who tastes like troll dung?" a startled voice asked. Lily turned to see Alice slipping into the seat next to her. Her long blonde hair was limp and her shoulders were slumped.

"Lily does," Remus replied quickly with a straight face. Lily's eyebrows shot up incredulously and Alice gave them both an odd look.

"And how does Remus know this?" she inquired suspiciously, her body relaxing a slight bit.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Please, everyone knows I bathe regularly. I taste like soap. Plain, white soap. Except when I use the bubble taps; then I taste like strawberries."

"Lick yourself often?" James asked innocently, his hazel eyes dancing merrily.

Lily turned bright red and jabbed her fork at him. "Damn you, James Potter! I don't taste like troll dung and I don't lick myself, though if I did, it'd be none of your business!"

"It'd sure be interesting though."

Alice shook her head, her pale blue eyes heavy.

"You," she said, looking at all three of them, "are strange. That's all there is to it."

"But lovable. We're very lovable," James insisted.

"Really? When did this develop?" Lily skeptically raised her eyebrows. He stuck his tongue out at her.

"Oh, and so mature, too," Lily nodded gravely. "I'm truly impressed."

Alice groaned. Remus snorted. Lily and James leered wickedly at each other, eyes crinkled in poorly disguised smiles.

Hey everyone! I know a lot of you were wondering when I was ever going to update...but there were unavoidable circumstances. Sorry. I hope you enjoy the new chapter anyway! Please review, because I love to hear from you! Until next time - Rochelle


	35. A Nearly Full Moon

A Nearly Full Moon

Sirius lurked behind a drapery in a dark corner of the Great Hall. He could see his friends mingling with the crowd of Hogwarts students, enjoying the energetic Valentine's Day party. His friends had pulled him down to the event, but even with their combined efforts, couldn't budge him from his corner. Normally he would be with them, but tonight he was remembering another party, exactly one year ago.

Marlene had batted her dark chocolate eyes coyly at him until his defenses melted and he agreed to take her to the ball. They had spent that night, and a few more, wrapped in each others' arms. Then she had seen him kissing that seventh year girl in the library, and now she was dead. Funny how things worked out…he had carelessly dismissed her when she was alive, and now she was completely gone.

The Great Hall was decorated lavishly, though not in the traditionally cliché Valentine's style. The lighting was dim, with bursts of color coming from the special effects of the performing band. It appeared to be more a party held on Valentine's Day, then a Valentine's Day party.

Before Sirius could ponder this difference any longer, he felt a hand take his; it was Lily.

"C'mon," she said softly. "Let's dance." She smiled invitingly, her big green eyes searching his face.

He sighed and ran a hand through his thick black hair. Lily pulled lightly on his arm and began to lead him through the crowd. The band began to play a slow song as they joined the other dancing couples and Lily took advantage of the quieter music and less frenzied dancing to talk.

"The music's good, isn't it?" she asked. He nodded absently. "It was a lot of work to put this together, but it's worth it. Dumbledore agreed that it would be good to have a night to just forget about everything and let go."

Sirius nodded again, staring at a spot somewhere over Lily's left shoulder.

"You know, Sirius, it's okay to miss Marlene. Just remember that it's okay to have fun too. The world is gloomy enough for as it is; it's up to us to brighten it."

He looked down at her, a little fountain of wisdom in a tight black dress. "Aren't we reversing our roles here, Lils? With you counseling me?"

Lily smiled, her worried face relaxing into a pleased expression. She stopped dancing and hugged him tightly. "All for one, and one for all, Sirius."

James felt slightly guilty for interrupting what appeared to be a close moment between Lily and Sirius, but he quickly shoved the feeling aside.

"My turn," he said, tapping Sirius on the shoulder. Sirius stepped back quickly, loosening himself from Lily's arms.

"Later, Lily," he said as he began to walk away. Lily lifted her chin in response before turning to James.

"We were talking," she informed him, scowling.

James shrugged and pulled Lily into his arms.

"You can't just do that! Sirius is taking Marlene's death harder than anyone, and we were finally discussing it and you just cut in!" She held her body stiff in his grasp.

"Lily, he'll be okay. Nothing gets him down for long." Lily continued to frown. "I promise I'll talk to him later, so we know he's fine."

Lily sighed and relaxed into the music. Her body felt soft and warm against his own, her cheek resting lightly on his dark green sweater. It was rare that James got to hold her, but he never forgot how good it felt.

When the song ended and band struck up a faster beat James took Lily's hand.

"Where are we going?" Lily asked as they wound through the throng of students.

James didn't answer as he led her to the giant doors that led to the grounds. The February air was chilly against his face and he knew that Lily would be even colder in her dress. She didn't appear to notice the cold, however, as they walked slowly away from the castle.

"Here we are again," Lily murmured suddenly as they neared the rippling black lake. "You cut in; we dance; we walk outside."

"Some things never change," he commented, suddenly wanting to run his fingers through her soft red hair. The nearly full moon cast its rays across her pale skin, and he thought she had never looked so beautiful.

"What does that mean? That we're destined to repeat ourselves?" she asked, her eyes flashing. "There are some things in life I don't want to repeat."

James stopped walking and turned to face her. She looked up at him, her eyes sheltered, yet oddly pleading.

"No," he whispered. "It means that some things are meant to be." His heart thudded heavily as he watched the troubled expression of the only girl he had ever loved.

Lily's eyes softened, the anger replaced with sadness. They stood close, nearly body to body, but not quite touching. Tentatively, James ran a hand across the soft skin of her cheek. Lily raised her hand to catch his, and they remained like that, her hand cradling his hand cradling her face.

The crisp night air was fraught with uncertainty and James thought he might die if he couldn't kiss her. Still, as much as he wanted to, he knew he couldn't for fear of losing Lily completely. Like a skittish fawn, Lily stared up at him.

Abruptly the long moment ended. "I'm cold," she said, turning towards the castle. She strode as quickly as she could in her delicate shoes, her dress rustling as she moved. James followed, his long legs allowing him to easily keep up.

As they entered the great stone castle James caught Lily's arm. "We threw a great party."

Lily's lips turned up slightly. "We did, didn't we?" She began to skirt her way around the edges of the room.

"Where are you going?" he asked. This time, it was Lily who didn't answer as she almost fled the Great Hall and the continuing Valentine's party that she had helped to create.

Once in the Head's quarters, Lily changed into her pajamas and made a cup of hot chocolate. By now she knew how to conjure the drink by magic, but making it in the traditional Muggle way soothed her. She sat by the blazing fire in the common area, still shivering from the cold winter night.

The hot liquid burned as it slid down into her stomach, easing her chills, but still she trembled. Letting out a slow, quivering breath, she curled up until her head was resting on her bent knees. Tonight she had almost risked everything and the intensity of her emotions frightened her.

How could she have let herself want James? When he caressed her face, gently as if he were afraid she'd run, her knees had nearly given out. She wanted him to touch her, to hold her, to kiss her.

She still loved him.

As stark realization hit, Lily began to cry. She had run so fast, pushed him away so far, only to find that he was still the one she wanted.

What was she going to do? She had prided herself in her ability to recover from hard times, though admittedly not alone, but she never thought she would fall back into what had started it all. She couldn't let herself love him. She leaned too heavily on her addictions, and when they gave way, she inevitably fell hard. An addiction, that's what James was. Just like alcohol, partying, and all the other crutches she had utilized in the past.

The gamut of emotions stormed through her body; the wanting, the fear, the regret. Why did she love him? Why not Sirius? Or Remus?

Lily could feel her nose growing red and her eyes swelling as she wiped the hot tears away with her blue flannel pajama sleeve.

_As she lay on a couch in the Gryffindor Common Room, studying her Transfiguration text, James pounced on the unsuspecting Lily. She attempted to hit him with her book, but he easily tossed it aside. A massive tickling war erupted until they were both shaking with laughter. Though Lily knew others were watching in avid interest, she remained unconcerned about the display they were surely putting on. It felt so good to be with James…_

"Lily?" Lily jumped out of her reverie to see James in the flesh, standing at the door to the Heads' Common Room. "What's wrong?"

Lily jumped up, nearly spilling her mug of hot chocolate which was sitting on the floor beside her.

"Nothing, nothing," she babbled. "I…I must be getting a cold." As she hastily smoothed the wrinkles out of her pajamas, James watched her with unbelieving eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" she snapped, flustered. He looked so calm and sure of himself, standing there in his soft green sweater and khaki pants. His dark hair was rumpled as always and his brown eyes were following her every move.

"Lily, tell me what's wrong," he said softly, cajolingly. As she went to dispose of the remainder of her drink he stepped closer to her.

"No, I can't! I mean – I'm fine." For a moment she froze, her eyes pleading with him to understand. Then she turned and walked slowly to her room, leaving James staring after her, his face wrought with confusion.

The next day was Sunday, which meant that Lily had an entire day with nothing to do. She would have welcomed classes and Order training to keep her mind off her own troubled thoughts.

Looking for distraction, she wandered down to the Gryffindor Common Room. In the round, cozy room Emmeline and Alice sat with Remus discussing the previous night's activities. Remus looked wan, a sign of the imminent full moon.

"I only wish Frank had been there," Alice said wistfully. "It was such a great night."

"I'm sure he could have come," Lily commented as she joined them. "Did you think of inviting him?"

"He was on Auror duty," Alice sighed. "I worry about him out there, facing Voldemort and his Death Eaters." She unconsciously kneaded her plump hands together.

"Frank's a great wizard, Alice," Emmeline assured her. "You know that."

"Of course I know that!" Alice replied defensively. "I can still worry about my boyfriend, can't I?"

"Of course you can," Lily agreed. "But let's not dwell on Voldemort. What else is new?"

"Well, Remus is looking ill," Alice answered, peering at him carefully.

"Thanks," Remus said wryly, sinking deeper into his plush lounge chair.

"I've heard the flu is going around," Lily jumped in. "And I think I'm getting a cold. Maybe you caught it from me."

Remus smiled a quick, grateful smile at her. "Yeah, that's probably it. My head's been pretty stuffy lately."

"You should go to Pomfrey," Alice suggested. "Get a Pepper-Up potion or something."

"Maybe I will."

"So we've touched on absent boyfriends, Voldemort, and Remus' cold. What a chipper bunch we are," Lily said sarcastically, readjusting her position on the couch.

Alice scowled at her. "You have something better to talk about?"

Lily shook her head. She wasn't telling anyone what last night had brought for her. The four of them fell into a gloomy silence.

"My, what fun you appear to be having," a sardonic voice observed from above them. Lily looked up to see James standing there, his eyes focused squarely on her. She gulped as she saw the unasked questions in his gaze.

"I gotta go," she said, jumping up from the couch. "I have to…do something."

"What did you do to her?" she heard Alice asking James as she left the common room.

"That's what I'd like to know," James replied, and then the rest of the conversation was illegible as the fat lady's portrait swung shut behind Lily.

She had to figure out what she was going to do. Leaving the room every time James entered wasn't plausible, considering they were Heads, members of the Order, in the same classes, and most importantly – friends, or supposedly. Where did James get off, making her feel so confused all of the time?

He probably took joy in knowing he muddled her thoughts and left her a massive knot of emotions.

_No_, a little voice whispered in her head. _That was the old James. He's changed, just like you have._

Lily sighed as she made her way to the library. If nothing else, perhaps she could study. Studying never hurt – and it rarely made her think of a certain James Potter.

_Hey everyone! I'm sure you thought I had died, or had given up on updating. Far from it – I am still going to finish this story, but I had to take a summer break. I moved away from home and had little computer/internet access. I hope to return to a schedule similar to my previous updates. Keep watching! Please, send me a review and let me know what you think. Until next time - Rochelle_


	36. An Uncommon Power

Monday came and brought a day full of classes that distracted Lily from her conflicting emotions. The normalcy of her daily routine soothed her heated feelings and allowed her to come upon a plausible solution.

All she had to do was simply pretend she felt nothing more than friendship for James. She would bury her traitorous feelings deep within herself and move on.

At lunch she smiled at James and sat down across the table from him. Acting as if the weekend had never happened, she immediately launched into a discussion of what the next Order lesson would bring.

After recovering from his initial surprise at Lily's cheerfulness, James replied smoothly.

"Well, it's Monday, so I suppose it's going to be endurance and strength training." He shoveled a large forkful of potatoes into his mouth as if preparing for the grueling workout they would face.

Lily groaned. "Do you really think that all this physical training will help? It seems like it's wearing my body more than it's strengthening it."

"Of course," James insisted adamantly. "What good is an Auror if he or she can't last the entire battle? If they can't pursue the enemy no matter how far he runs?"

"I know, you're right of course. It's just too bad that I've never been the athletic type or maybe I'd embrace the workouts." Lily blew on a spoonful of pumpkin soup in an effort to cool it.

"Want to run with me tonight?"

Lily swallowed a mouthful of steaming soup too quickly and scorched the roof of her mouth. After gulping down a drink of cold milk she looked up at James.

"Okay," she finally answered. His face lit up in a smile and she suppressed her panic. She could handle it. She had spent the past two months working closely with James; she could spend a night running laps around the castle with him.

And so it went, a life of daily routine that Lily welcomed gratefully. Days passed, and each day she presented the façade of being a simple friend and partner. If James still wondered about her strange behavior Valentine's weekend, he said nothing. When small flashes of aching longing pierced through Lily's being, she willed them away.

Then came the day that Bernard Wythe announced that the Order of the Phoenix training sessions would be ending.

"Your formal lessons will end, though we expect you to always be working to better yourself as members of the fight against Dark Magic." His voice rang out as he paced in front of the elite group of students. They sat together in an unused classroom, which had become the base of their defensive lessons.

"To assess the extent of your knowledge and skill we will be putting you through a final exam, of a sort. You will be put into a simulated battle and will be graded on your performance. The feedback you receive will be for your benefit only; we hope you will use it as a guide to improve your abilities. Are there any questions?"

The group remained silent.

"The examination will include two segments: solo fighting and partnered combat. Your partners have been selected for you. Your exam times are posted on the door; as you leave, please take note. With that, you are dismissed."

Lily found herself partnered with James, as usual. They were scheduled to go February twenty-third, one of the last time slots.

"Do you want to put in some extra practice before then?" James inquired.

"How would we find the time? We have so much going on, plus you have Quidditch practice to worry about."

"You forget we don't have this class anymore," James reminded her. "I can manage it if you can."

"I guess it wouldn't hurt to practice," Lily agreed. "I know they said this is only for ourselves, but I wouldn't be surprised if their motive is more than that."

"What do you mean?" James asked as they made their way back to their quarters.

"Wythe is an Auror, is he not? If I'm right, he'll be reporting back to the head of his department on each of us and our potential."

"Of course! You're brilliant, Lily."

Lily smirked. "Of course," she echoed. She nudged him with her hip, and he nudged back, sending her much smaller body crashing into the wall. Frowning playfully at him, she dusted herself off and walked a dignified distance from him down the darkened corridor. She thought enviously of all the students sleeping peacefully in their dorms, but knew that the opportunity they were being given was invaluable. If she was right, success on the examination could lead to quick acceptance into Auror training come graduation.

* * *

_He scurried quickly back to his dorm, trembling at the task which he was assigned. Upon his lord's orders he had done all that he could to be accepted into the Order of the Phoenix. Throwing his miniscule pride to the floor, he had groveled at McGonagall's feet until he was allowed into the special class. Now it was all paying off, yet he was more afraid than ever. _

_His watery blue eyes blinked rapidly, imitating the trembling of his fleshy body. Would he be able to follow through? He must…his lord did not take no for an answer.

* * *

_

Upon hearing that Lily and James intended to practice for the exam, and why, the other seventh year Gryffindors decided to join them. They practiced advanced shielding charms, jinxes, hexes, and other various defensive spells.

After Sirius _Reducto_'d his way through a long string of chairs, shelves, and desks, Lily sensed that his angry energy after Marlene's death was being appropriately channeled. She grinned at him from across the spider-webbed classroom they were using and he smiled viciously back. His deep blue eyes radiated a rare intensity that suggested he had finally found his true calling.

Lily and James were assigned to fight Wythe himself in their exam. After each successfully fought their own way through the individual portions of the test, they rested briefly to prepare to face Wythe.

They stood in a large stone chamber lined with shelves, statues, and other free standing objects. The center of the room was mostly clear to allow movement. When it was time to begin the test, the three met in the center of the room for last minute instructions.

"Your task is to pick a place where you wish to begin the fight. When I say 'begin' we will begin our mock combat. You are not allowed to use the Unforgivables; anything else is warranted. Are you ready?"

Lily gulped, her nerves jangling. The individual exam had included Dark creatures, entrapments, and dangerous Dark obstacles, but only a brief combat. This would be much longer, more difficult, and more dangerous. There was a good chance that it would end with Lily, James, or both lying stunned or worse on the floor.

"You'll do fine, Lily. Remember Hogsmeade? This will be easier," James assured her. Yet she could see that his right hand was white at the knuckles as he clutched his wand.

While Wythe turned around, they quickly chose their positions; Lily behind a tall shelf of books that would allow her to observe Wythe through the gaps between shelves, James behind a tall, thick statue that blocked him from Wythe's sight.

Wythe cried, "Begin!" and Lily him turn around, scanning the room for the hidden pair. Quickly he began destroying the objects in front of him to guarantee he was not immediately close to his "enemies".

James caught Lily's eye and mouthed, "Wait." She nodded, going through their strategy carefully. James would attack first, and then while Wythe responded to James' attack, Lily would attack again. Hopefully James would be able to hold Wythe off, and Lily could finish him.

"_Impedimenta!" _James yelled, jumping from his pillar. Wythe easily shielded himself from the stunning spell and lifted his wand. He cast a silent spell that James also shielded. Lily remained behind her shelf, waiting for Wythe to become preoccupied enough for her to move.

James continued to assault Wythe with curses and jinxes that the Auror easily deflected. Lily shifted uneasily, unsure if their plan was going to work. It was possible that Wythe would be able to hold James off until his own attacks were successful.

Then Wythe performed a silent spell that had James hurtling across the room. Lily watched in horror as James hit a stone wall and slid limply to the floor. Spurred into action, she dove around the shelf and began throwing the most powerful hexes she knew at Wythe. As he shielded himself from them, they bounced back towards Lily and she had to execute intricate footwork to avoid getting hit with her own spells. The flashes of brightly colored light lit up the gloomy room like carnival lights.

Thinking quickly, Lily aimed a destroying spell at a heavy chandelier hanging over Wythe's head. The brass chandelier fell quickly and hit the unsuspecting Auror on the head. He stumbled and collapsed to the floor.

Thinking the fight was over, as Wythe was effectively disabled, Lily rushed to take care of James. He was still lying motionless on the floor, propped at an unnatural angle against the wall.

"_Ennervate_," Lily commanded. James' brown eyes opened slowly, blinking dimly at Lily. He lifted a quivering arm to rub his head, wincing as he hit a large lump that was forming.

"That hurt," he whispered. Lily performed a quick assessment of his body, finding no broken bones but many bruises and abrasions. She quickly healed the wounds to the best of her ability.

"Better?" she asked. James winced again.

"I don't know. I feel kind of funny inside." Before he could elaborate Lily was hit with a terrible pain. "_Crucio!_" Wythe had recovered from his fall, and had begun the combat again.

The intensity of the pain was astounding. It felt as if she were burning up, being torn from limb to limb. Her skull wanted to split in agony. She sunk to her knees, and then sagged against the cold, marble floor as the pain took control of her body.

Then, just as suddenly it was over. Through the clinging wisps of sanity Lily comprehended that James had forced Wythe to end the curse to protect himself against James' attack.

Something was seriously wrong, Lily realized grimly. The Unforgivable Curses had been strictly forbidden, yet Wythe was using them easily. Whatever was occurring, it was no longer a test; it was real.

She stood up and joined James against Wythe. The tall, muscular man's face was screwed up in a look of hatred and determination.

They dodged curses, took shelter behind half shattered objects, and fought back and forth across the large room.

A sharp slicing hex hit Lily in the stomach and she could feel blood soaking through her robes. She ignored it and sent a leg-locking curse back. Wythe deflected it and prepared another string of curses.

"_Avad-_"

"_Petrificus Totalus!_" Lily screamed, putting more intensity into the curse than she had ever known possible. The spell hit its mark and Wythe fell to the floor in a stiff, frozen position.

Lily quickly bound him with magical rope and stunned him for extra caution. Then she and James fled the room.

Outside stood Dumbledore and a few other high ranking members of the Order. When they saw the dirty, ragged pair tumble through the doors they turned in astonishment.

"What happened?" An elderly man with a head of curly gray hair demanded.

"Wythe tried to kill us!" James exclaimed. The adults looked unconvinced, but James pressed on.

"He performed the Cruciatus Curse on Lily and tried to kill me with the Killing Curse."

The elderly man rushed into the room that Lily and James had just vacated and the other adults excepting Dumbledore followed.

"Are you sure of this?" Dumbledore asked gravely. "If what you say is true, something terrible has happened."

Lily and James nodded solemnly. Lily put a hand to her midsection, which by now was drenched with her blood. She lifted her bloodied hand for Dumbledore to see.

"I'm bleeding," she whispered, dumbfounded. Dumbledore showed little emotion, yet his blue eyes hardened.

"To the Hospital Wing, Miss Evans. We will continue our discussion there. James?"

James, leaning heavily against the corridor's wall, grimaced. "I think he got me too," he admitted. Dumbledore conjured two floating stretchers, which he forced the pair, despite their protests that they could walk, to lie on.

When they were safely tucked into bed and were being examined by the frantic Madam Pomfrey, Dumbledore began to question them.

"Is this really the time, Headmaster?" the nurse demanded.

"It is a problem of timely manner, my dear Pomfrey. I'm afraid I must do this now." The nurse sniffed indignantly but continued to examine Lily's bleeding torso.

They slowly related their tale to Dumbledore, Lily's account belabored by Pomfrey's painful ministrations, and James' by the curse still twisting his insides.

After Dumbledore had thoroughly digested the story, he sat stroking his long white beard for a time. Then he sighed heavily, the released air ruffling his long mustache.

"Well," he began as he stood up from the chair he had been sitting on, "it is time for you to heal. I will let you rest."

By now, Lily was swathed in yards of white gauze in attempt to stop the heavy bleeding that persisted despite Pomfrey's efforts. James, having been diagnosed with a powerful dose of curses, was given pain-relieving potions and had been told he'd heal with rest.

As Dumbledore reached the door, he turned around once more.

"I must tell you, Miss Evans, that only a very powerful spell could have broken through Wythe's shield at that moment, an uncommonly powerful spell, indeed. Not many can stop the Killing Curse. I am very proud of you, very proud of both of you. You have done well. Good night."

Alone, the two fell into contemplative silence. James turned on his side to look at Lily, who was immobilized by her bandaged stomach.

Her pale skin was deathly white, due to the loss of blood he supposed. Her vivid red hair was draped across the stark white pillows. Her eyes were muddled with confusion and pain.

"What do you suppose happened, Lily?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know. Why us? Why anyone? How could it happen? Why would an Auror want us dead?"

"Do you think he was working for Voldemort?" James puzzled. Before Lily could answer, Pomfrey bustled back in.

"No such chatter!" she commanded. "Here – dreamless sleep potions for both of you. Drink up, now!"

They reluctantly drank the bitter potions and as prescribed, fell into heavy, undisturbed sleep.

_Hey everyone! I know it's been another long wait. I'm sorry, really I am. Please just bear with me, and let me know you're still out there by dropping me a review. Thank you! As always, Rochelle_


	37. Wrapped Up in You

Lily woke up in the morning to the sound of James moaning. The low tones were soft but tinged with pain. She herself felt numb, as if her body were a heavy, useless lump.

"James," she ventured. He didn't answer, so she repeated his name again. His eyes blinked open and his body convulsed slightly.

"Where am I?" he mumbled.

"The Hospital Wing," Lily answered. "Don't you remember?" James rubbed at his hazel eyes wearily and reached for his glasses that rested on the bedside table.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked cautiously. James winced and nodded gingerly.

"I'm fine," he lied unconvincingly. Lily rolled her eyes and he grimaced. "I think the pain-relieving potions wore off, but otherwise I'm fine. What about you?" He peered at her intently.

"Pain free," she smiled, purposely not telling him that she was nearly completely numb.

James sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. The white hospital pajamas he wore hung loosely on his lean frame, their paleness emphasizing the slight flush on his thin cheeks. His normally rumpled black hair was messier than usual, wild tufts of hair fanning around his face. Despite the chaotic picture he presented, it was an appealing image to Lily.

She mentally slapped herself. It didn't pay to think about how, for the first time, and probably the last, she had spent the night with James Potter – though in separate beds. Things like that didn't matter to her. They couldn't.

James caught her eye and lifted a corner of his mouth in a smile. Lily forced herself to remain impassive.

Seemingly unconcerned, James stood up and stretched. Lily caught herself staring as his shirt lifted, revealing several inches of firm, muscled torso. She squeezed her eyes shut quickly.

"So," James said suddenly in a serious voice, "we need to talk about last night."

"What's there to talk about?" Lily muttered. "We still don't know anything."

"I know that you saved my life," he retorted, kneeling slowly beside her bed. His eyes burned into her and held her own captive.

Lily shook her head. "No I didn't. All I did was revived you."

"Not only did you revive me, but you stopped Wythe's killing curse. If not for you, I'd be dead right now," James insisted. He slipped his hand across the bed until it rested on Lily's own. Through the persisting numbness, she could still feel his light touch. "I don't know how to thank you for my life, but know that I am more grateful than you'll ever know."

Lily watched as his eyes grew bright and her heart softened.

"You saved me too, you know. I've never been under such pain as when I was under the Cruciatus. Let's call it even."

James picked up her hand and cradled it in both of his own. "You saved me twice last night. I'll never forget that." Then in one smooth motion he was sitting on her bed and lifting her up into his arms. He held her close against him in a tight hug. She laid her head weakly against his shoulder.

As the previous night played through her mind and the possible outcomes flashed before her, tears welled up in her eyes. If there had been only one misstep, one mistake, she or James, or both, could have been dead.

There had been times in her life that death had appealed to her, when she would have welcomed the respite it offered. Now, having faced it so directly, she recoiled from it. Despite the emotional turmoil that had constantly plagued her, she had a strong desire to live.

"Ahem," a quiet voice murmured politely. Lily looked up over James' shoulder to see Dumbledore standing in the doorway to the room. He was smiling slightly, though his blue eyes were serious.

James drew away, and Lily lay down quite suddenly and gracelessly. He looked at her in alarm.

"I'm fine," she promised. "Just a little weak."

James appeared unconvinced, but he quickly propped pillows up beneath her head so she could better see him and Dumbledore.

"Good morning, Headmaster," he greeted Dumbledore as he stood up from Lily's bed.

"Good morning, James, Lily," Dumbledore answered graciously. He conjured comfortable armchairs for himself and James and they both sat down.

"I realize you have neither eaten nor got dressed, but I wanted to speak with you immediately." James and Lily both watched him eagerly, ready for an explanation.

"It wasn't Wythe that you fought last night. It was a Death Eater under the disguise of a Polyjuice Potion." Lily breathed a quick sigh of relief. It was a terrible thought that a member of the Order, her own teacher, would have betrayed them.

"It seems that word got out that Wythe would be fighting the two of you last night, and on his way to the school he was attacked. Once the Death Eater retrieved the necessary ingredients to finish the potion, Wythe was left unconscious in the Dark Forest."

"Is he okay?" Lily interrupted.

"We have found him, and he has verified this story. His wounds were not serious, and he will be just fine," Dumbledore assured her.

"Why were we targeted?" James asked. "Why not another pair?"

"It could be chance," Dumbledore answered, "but I do not believe it was. It is my opinion that Voldemort has decided that the two of you make unusually formidable foes. I suppose that he thought that by having a Death Eater impersonate Wythe, he could easily be rid of you two. However, he still underestimated your power. Perhaps by separating you, he could have completed his task. Together, you were unbeatable."

He stopped to smile at them for a moment. "Again, I am very proud of both of you. What you did last night was extraordinary."

James caught Lily's eye and smiled quickly at her. It was a small smile, yet it sent chills down Lily's spine.

"What does this mean?" Lily asked quietly. "Are we going to spend our entire lives marked by Voldemort? Are we ever going to be able to live freely?"

Dumbledore sobered again. "Until Voldemort is defeated, I'm afraid you will remain his targets. It is up to you to decide how you choose to live with that knowledge."

Lily shifted uneasily.

"Why?" Her voice was a strangled whisper. She neither expected nor received an answer.

The three of them sat in heavy silence until Madam Pomfrey bustled in. She leveled James with a firm glare.

"You," she said, pointing a finger at him, "should not be out of bed." She gave Dumbledore a small look of displeasure before focusing on Lily.

"And you, dear, look exhausted."

Dumbledore stood up and the chair he had been sitting in disappeared.

"It was pertinent that I spoke with them," he told Pomfrey unapologetically. "But I will now leave so they can rest."

Once Dumbledore was gone, Pomfrey went through the motions of checking up on her patients. She fed Lily a blood-replenishing potion that immediately began to alleviate her numbness and sent life pulsating through her veins. James was given another pain-relieving potion and instructed to remain in bed.

"Can we at least have our clothes?" Lily requested, looking down at the bland white pajamas she too wore. "I feel subhuman in these things."

Pomfrey looked slightly miffed, but acquiesced. She disappeared into her office and soon a house-elf appeared bearing a change of clothing for each of them.

James lifted up the red striped shirt that had been brought for him and began to pull off his pajama top.

"James!" Lily protested, her pale cheeks finally regaining some color. He stopped, quirking an eyebrow. "Will you please draw the curtain?"

He shrugged and grabbed the curtain and quickly yanked it closed. Lily's head was spinning slightly, and not from the effects of the potion. She quickly slipped into a pair of comfortable gray pants and a white sweatshirt.

"Need any help in there?" James asked teasingly.

"I'm just fine, thank you," Lily retorted, running her fingers quickly through her tousled red hair. She stood up to open the curtain again, but swayed dizzily as she grabbed hold of the rough fabric.

James, seeing the curtain sway suspiciously, swept it aside quickly and reached out a hand to steady Lily.

"Sorry, I guess I stood up too quickly," Lily admitted, stepping away from his touch. He smiled at her, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Lily grimaced as another wave of dizziness swept over her.

_I don't know how much more I can take of this,_ she thought. _Or of him…_

James shifted restlessly on the chair he was sitting in. He was going crazy being confined in the Hospital Wing. Yet, even if Pomfrey hadn't sentenced him to rest, he knew he would be in the room with Lily.

If only they could both leave, go outside for fresh air, talk to someone other than Dumbledore. He had too many thoughts going through his head and they were bouncing excitedly off the small walls he was trapped within.

He looked at Lily, who was still picking at the breakfast of eggs and toast that had been brought to them. Her cheeks were a light pink, a welcome change from the sickly white of the night before.

"I can't take this," he blurted out. She looked up at him, her eyes puzzled.

"Sitting in here!" He swept an arm up to demonstrate his point. "I need to get out."

Lily took in his tapping foot, his jittery countenance, and sighed.

"What can we do about it?"

James grinned as an idea popped into his head. "Let's leave," he suggested.

"What?" Lily shoved her food aside and stared at his in disbelief. "Pomfrey'd kill us!"

"Nah," James smirked. "She's too soft."

Lily narrowed her eyes at him. "Did it ever occur to you that we're in here for a good reason?"

James shrugged. "C'mon, what's going for a walk going to do to us? Fresh air is healthy, remember?" When she remained doubtful, he stood up. "What happened to your sense of fun, Lils?"

"Fine," Lily groaned. "Lead the way. But when they ask what happened, I'm telling them you kidnapped me."

James just laughed. "Let's go," he urged, tugging her arm. They slipped out of the Hospital Wing and through the empty castle halls. All the other students were in class, easing their escape from the building.

It was uncommonly warm outside for late February. The snow was nearly gone, disappearing rapidly as the bright sun's rays beat down. James breathed deeply, letting the crisp, nearly spring air seep through his body. Next to him, Lily had raised her face to the sun, absorbing its energizing warmth.

"We better move before someone looks out a window and sees us," James cautioned. "Let's walk over beyond those hills." He pointed at rolling hills patchily coated with snow. The spots of bare ground were a dingy brown, but soon would be turning vivid green he knew.

They moved quickly under the cloudless blue sky until Lily was breathing heavily.

"What's wrong?" James asked. They hadn't been walking long enough to justify exertion, especially not for someone as in shape as Lily.

Lily smiled weakly. "I'm tired. I don't know if I can make it much farther."

"Do you want to turn back?" James offered, though he didn't want to return to the castle so soon.

"No," Lily replied, attempting to breathe normally.

"Then lean on me," James suggested, wrapping an arm around her slender waist. Her body remained rigid for a moment, and then sagged against him. Slowly, with James bearing as much of Lily's weight as possible, they continued on their way.

They found a spot of bare ground, beaten dry by the sun, to rest on. There they sat, laughing and talking about everything other than the attack, Voldemort, and death. For those few precious hours, they were simply living, free of worry, unburdened by fear.

When Lily began to drift off, lulled by the sun's warmth, James knew it was time to go back. Even though he had wanted to leave the castle, at some point they would both need another dose of their potions, not to mention a meal.

Still, as Lily lay back against his chest, her breathing slow and even, James didn't want the moment to end. He ran his fingers through her soft red hair, entangling himself in it as if it would keep her forever close to him. For once, she neither stiffened nor pulled away. On the contrary, she relaxed more and more against him, until she was completely in his arms.

Regretfully, he slipped his fingers from her hair and leaned down to whisper in her ear.

"Can you make it back?"

Lily shook her head softly, tilting her neck so she was looking up at him. She smiled peacefully.

"Can't we stay here?"

"Forever?" James joked.

"Forever?" she repeated, her voice wistful. "Wouldn't it be nice?"

_Yes._

Instead of answering, James stood up slowly, lifting Lily with him. He cradled her loosely in his arms and turned back towards the castle.

By the time they were at the castle doors, Lily was once again nearly sleeping and James could feel twinges of pain pulling at his gut.

"I have to put you down," he told her. "I can't open the door otherwise."

Lily swayed sleepily on her feet and he linked his arm with hers to hold her steady. He pushed the door open and led her through it.

Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey stood in the Entrance Hall before him, both with hands on their hips and eyes flashing.

"Where," McGonagall demanded frostily, "have you been?"

"We were..." James began to explain, but was unable to finish.

"Do you realize what has been going on at the castle for the past few hours? We have been conducting a complete search of the castle and grounds for you two. We contacted outside sources to look for you. We were afraid that Voldemort had attacked you again!" McGonagall shook with fury. Even her tight little bun wobbled.

"Instead we glance out the window and see that you had apparently decided to go on a little walk, without telling anyone, against Madam Pomfrey's direct orders! And you two are the Head Boy and Girl! What were you thinking?" By this point McGonagall's voice had become a shrill shriek.

"We just…"

"To the Hospital Wing! Now!" McGonagall choked. Madam Pomfrey took Lily's free arm and began marching to the Hospital Wing. As his arm was still in Lily's, James was pulled along as well.

Behind them, he could hear McGonagall still muttering furiously.

"I must go tell Dumbledore to refrain from contacting the Ministry…"

The Ministry? James gulped. Apparently their jailbreak had been more serious than he had thought.

_Hey everyone! I hope you liked this chapter – let me know what you thought by dropping me a review. I love hearing from you! – Rochelle_


	38. Cards on the Table

Chapter Thirty-Seven – Cards on the Table

Once James and Lily were tucked tightly back into their beds in the Hospital Wing, Professor McGonagall entered the room and continued her lecture. Since Lily had fallen asleep the minute she lay down, only James heard her stern words. The hysteria that had greeted them at the castle door was gone, replaced with serious consternation "Just last night Voldemort gained access to the two of you through his Death Eaters. Today, when Madam Pomfrey reported you missing, it was a very frightening and real possibility that security had again been breached. We deployed a large number of forces to look for you, which cost many people more than you realize." McGonagall's eyes peered grimly through her wire-rimmed frames, but James caught a glimpse of what appeared to be fear and relief lurking in her gaze.

"It was all my fault," James admitted from his bed. "I was going crazy being cooped up and I convinced Lily to come with me." He snuck a quick glance at Lily, who slept peacefully between the white hospital sheets, her lips curved into a small smile.

"There is no place for frivolity in wartime," McGonagall reprimanded. "Not when it puts your lives at risk. Outside of the castle you are much more exposed. It's much easier for the Dark Side to reach you." Her eyes drifted over to Lily and softened slightly. "And I don't think I need to mention the health risks you faced." Of course, being McGonagall, she proceeded to mention them anyway. "Did it not occur to you that you were both recuperating from serious battle wounds? You appear to be fine, but we can only hope that this doesn't cause a setback in Lily's recovery."

James' head spun as he realized what could have happened. Suppose Lily's bandaging had come loose, and her bleeding had started again. Suppose the loss of blood coupled with the exertion of the walk had further weakened her. He sat straight up and began to get out of bed.

"Lie down," McGonagall snapped irritably. "You've had quite enough time on your feet today."

James sighed and lay back against his pillow, his body rigid with tension.

"Since you appear to be resting so well," McGonagall commented sarcastically, "I'm going to send Pomfrey in and I'll be off. We'll talk again later." She turned and her emerald robes swished dramatically behind her. A cool gust of air brushed against James' face and she was gone.

Lily opened her eyes slowly. Amber evening sunlight streamed through the window above her bed, coating her blanketed body in swathes of gold. She turned to see James lying in his own bed, sunlight dancing on his disheveled black hair. He was lying on his back and staring moodily at the ceiling.

"You look cheerful," Lily observed saucily. James jumped at the sudden sound of her voice.

"Lily! Are you okay?" The smooth skin on his forehead wrinkled in concern, which made Lily bristle.

"I'm fine," she retorted, her playful mood gone in an instant. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"You slept all day…" This was an exaggeration on James part; it had been not more than a few hours.

Lily scowled at him. It rankled her to be coddled. "It was better than the alternative."

"What do you mean?"

"Lying in here all day with you." As she spoke the words she knew she was being unfair and cruel, but it was as if she couldn't stop herself.

James sat up and pulled his knees up on the bed.

"You're doing it again," he said matter-of-factly, his dark eyes boring into her.

Lily didn't say anything. She didn't like the direction this conversation appeared to be going, and she didn't trust herself to respond.

"Every time we get a little too close, a little too friendly, you have to push me away. I am so damn sick of it, Lily. Isn't it time you just let go? Instead of running away from everything, face up to whatever it is you're feeling. I had a great time with you today. As a matter of fact, it was one of the best times I've had in a long time, with you or anyone else, and I'm not afraid to tell you so.

"I have been waiting, keeping my feelings for you low-key, so I didn't ruin whatever friendship we've built between us. I'm done with that – it's time to be honest with each other, Lily. I love you, and I always will." He looked away from her and ran his long fingers through his hair. "My cards are on the table," he added miserably.

Lily felt cold, frozen in what was once a warm and comfortable bed. She raised her shaking hands to her face, as if to cover herself.

"Don't leave me, Lily." The words were a whisper; so faint that she wasn't completely sure he had really said them. They were desperate, anguished.

Her eyes began burning and a hot tear escaped down her icy cheek. The contrasting temperatures stung painfully. Slowly, as if she were moving in deep water, she buried herself beneath the heavy hospital blankets.

Beneath the cool linen sheet, Lily's heart was pounding so hard she was sure James could hear it.

He still loved her. He always would.

She loved him.

If it had been someone else's problem and not her own, Lily would have advised him or her to take the chance, to accept the situation. Or maybe not - maybe she would have told them to run while they could, before they were trapped in a situation that would only harm them.

Dumbledore's words echoed through her shadowed mind. "Only an uncommonly powerful spell could have stopped the Killing Curse…"

Petrifying someone wasn't an uncommonly powerful spell itself, so where had the power come from? The realization, the truth that had been dancing around in her mind, hit her like a sack of bricks. It was only the depth of her emotion, of her intensity and desperation, that could have stopped the Killing Curse.

She bit back a sob as it shuddered through her body. Tears began streaming out of her eyes and dampened the blankets that were so tightly wrapped around her body. With all her might, she attempted to stop her body from shaking, but her efforts were futile.

Then, startlingly, there was a weight resting on her blanket-clad shoulder. It was a tentative touch which slowly became stronger. The hand slipped down to her waist, and then there was someone lying on her bed beside her. Without removing her blankets, Lily knew it was James.

Still hesitantly, he slipped his arms around her swaddled figure. When she didn't resist, he moved closer, until he was warming her chilled body with his own.

Lily remained hidden in the protection of her blankets, but sunk into his grasp. It felt so good – so right. She no longer had the energy to fight him. At least not tonight.

James felt his heart leap when Lily slipped unresistingly into his grasp. When he had spoken those frightening words, he had been deathly afraid that he'd never get to touch her again. Yet, when he saw her slender form shaking beneath her coverings, he couldn't leave her lying there alone.

He didn't attempt to remove her blankets, for he thought perhaps she needed their protection right now. Instead he began to slowly move a hand across her back, caressing her sharply defined shoulder blades, her narrow waist. His fingers traced soft circles across her spine. The fragility of her bones tugged at his heart, but he knew that Lily was just as tough, if not tougher, than he was.

She had proved that the night before, he thought. Lily had showed the entire wizarding world exactly how strong and brave she was.

Now, if only she could be as brave when it came to loving him. When Madam Pomfrey came in bearing a tray of steaming soup, James waved at the startled nurse to set it down on the bedside table. She eyed them not disapprovingly as she slipped quietly from the room.

When Lily's breathing became even once more, James knew she was asleep again. As the soup next to him grew cold, James turned Lily over onto her back and pulled the blankets away so she could breathe easier in her sleep.

The skin around her closed eyes was red and slightly puffy, but she looked as beautiful as ever to James. He studied the way her dark lashes rested on the delicate skin above her cheekbones, the way her lips curled up in sleep, the falling shadows of the fading sun clinging to her ivory skin.

Then, finally succumbing to his own exhaustion, a result of both physical and emotional stress, James too fell asleep. Neither heard when the nurse crept back in to remove their untouched meal. Neither saw the small smile that tugged at her tired mouth. For the first night of her life, Lily rested peacefully in James' arms.

* * *

The next morning came in a clatter of noise as Madam Pomfrey dropped an entire tray of potions on the floor of the Hospital Wing. Lily and James awoke to see the nurse jabbing her wand at the large mess, her face pinched in ill temper.

When she saw the two groggily sitting up, she turned her wand on them.

"You!" she scowled. "Against my wishes, you two have been ordered, by the headmaster himself, to return to your normal routine. He wants you to begin classes at once."

She continued on muttering angry words about undermined authority and crazy old coots as she finished cleaning up the mess. Lily stifled a laugh and looked at the clock on her bedside table. Then she jumped out of bed – if they were to make it to Transfigurations, they had less than ten minutes to get dressed and go to class. _Why hadn't anyone told them before this?_ she wondered anxiously.

Ignoring the fact that she had woken up in James' arms, she grabbed the set of freshly laundered clothes that were sitting by her bed and dove behind the curtain. She could hear James getting dressed on the opposite side. She supposed she would have to talk to him, but she was still at a loss for words.

As soon as her clothes were on, Lily hurried out of the Hospital Wing. If she could avoid James for only a few more hours, she thought she might work up the courage to say what she needed to say.

Savoring the busy halls and exuberant classmates that had been denied to her for the past thirty-six hours, Lily plunged through the throng of students to get to McGonagall's room. The sudden jailbreak was a wonderful surprise.

When she entered the classroom, the seventh years broke out into a buzz of excitement. It was the first time either Lily or James had been seen since the night of the attack. All sorts of rumors had flown, but most proved false at the sight of Lily standing in one piece in the doorway.

Lily quickly took a seat next to Sirius, who flashed her a welcoming smile.

"You're alive!"

"No, it's just my ghost coming back to haunt you for all that you've done," Lily teased.

"We wanted to come and visit, but we were told no visitors were allowed. We even tried to sneak in, but they had a guard posted outside the door."

Lily's eyebrows flew up at this new information. "Are you serious? I never saw a guard. We even left once…"

Sirius snorted. "I know – it had the entire staff in an uproar. Apparently the guard had left for 'fifteen seconds' to fetch a snack. He was dismissed and a new one took his place. Hey, there's James!" The class began buzzing again as James walked in. Before anyone could say anything to him, McGonagall swept into the room and clapped her hands briskly to begin class.

"Order," she demanded, her beady eyes glaring at the class. "It is imperative that we begin on time, as our lessons have never been so important." She let her gaze rest heavily on Lily, and then James. The reason for their sudden expulsion from the hospital wing became clear – Dumbledore felt they had been wasting valuable lesson time.

Lily was grateful for the activity that finally freed her mind from her troubled thoughts. She had missed a lesson, which made the work exceedingly difficult. A quick glance at James, sitting next to Remus, showed he was experiencing no such troubles.

Lily watched as he gracefully waved his wand in the precise manner necessary for the tricky transfigurations. Effortlessly, his desk turned into a red and gold striped lounging chair, which he promptly sprawled out in.

His ability to be perfect at everything boggled Lily at times, yet she knew that he had a hidden vulnerable side that very few saw. As he smiled cockily at Remus, who was still struggling with his own desk, Lily wondered if he was thinking about her, or if he was already working on forgetting.

The thought that he could forget her filled her with a miserable ache.

Her morning lessons flew by, and soon students were piling into the Great Hall for their midday meal. Although Lily's stomach was protesting mightily, having not eaten in twenty-four hours, she focused entirely on her task at hand – finding James.

She stood in the corridor, next to the entrance of the Great Hall, waiting for him. When she finally spotted his tall figure weaving through the crowd, her heart began beating in double time. Silently, she stepped forward and tugged on his sleeve. He stopped in first confusion, and then surprise.

"Lily?" His hazel eyes were guarded, as if he were fighting to keep himself shielded from her.

"I need to talk to you," Lily said in a rush. As if a dam had broken, words began pouring out of her mouth. "Will you come with me? For a second? Please?"

James nodded, although she knew that he too must be starving. They quickly made their way into a deserted classroom and sat down. However, due to her jangling nerves, Lily stood up again immediately.

"I'm scared," she said abruptly. "I was thinking of what to say, and I couldn't decide what was right. It all comes down to me being terrified, and never being sure of what to do. Ever since _that_ night, and the night my parents died, I've become a complete coward, which I never was before. I used to be so sure of everything that I did, and now I'm lost and fumbling for the right words to say, the right things to do." She paused to breathe in and out deeply, and saw James still sitting there with that same wary expression on his narrow face.

"So I've been spending the last few months of my life scared of you especially, now that you're so close. It was easier when I didn't speak to you, because then I could pretend I hated you. Well, for a while I think I did actually hate you. But now I see you all the time, and I talk to you, and I can't decide what to do because I love you but I'm so scared of everything at the same time."

Lily paced in front of the desks, avoiding looking at James. She didn't want to see that awful expression on his face again, didn't want to see him turning away from her.

"I think I'm going crazy," she confessed miserably, unconsciously tugging at her hair. "I'm being torn into pieces by everything, and yet I know that I must be driving you crazy at the same time. And still, I can't stop. And now I'm standing in front of you like this and you must really think I'm insane." She buried her face in her hands for a brief second before sneaking a look at James.

He was grinning. His entire face was glowing, from his ear-to-ear smile to his dancing eyes. Lily's mind raced as she considered the possibilities – was he laughing at her?

"What?" she demanded in mortification. James stood up from his chair and carefully made his way towards her, his movements contradicting the exuberance on his face.

"You love me," he almost sang, taking her thin, trembling hand into his own. Lily froze as she realized that she had indeed spilled out this information during her high-speed ramble.

"It's okay," James said as he saw her stiffen. "This time, it'll be different. This time, it'll be perfect."

Lily's head spun as she comprehended the reality of what was happening. They were going to be LilyandJames, JamesandLily again. Half of her yearned to return to that blissful state, while the other half remained terrified.

"This time," she whispered, finally accepting what was to be, "it will be slower." The words came out in a hesitant, almost questioning tone.

James slipped his arms around her and pulled her close. His face had grown solemn but there was unmistakable contentment in his deep eyes. "This time, it'll be perfect," he repeated.

_Hey everyone! I know it's been a long time between updates once again. I have nothing to offer you but my sincerest apologies. Please, send me a review and let me know what you think. Your comments and critiques are invaluable to me. Until next time - Rochelle _


	39. Giddy

James spent the rest of the afternoon lost in vivid daydreams of Lily and himself instead of focusing on lessons, which didn't go unnoticed by his professors.

"Potter," Slughorn barked, "you're about to add double the amount of nightshade! Read the instructions!"

With each chastisement, Lily's cheeks flushed as if she were the one being spoken to. James winked at her, which only deepened her blush.

"Pay attention or you'll kill us all!" she hissed as she stirred her own lime green potion clockwise precisely seven times.

"But what a way to go," he teased, his hazel eyes dancing. "Just you, me, and a little explosion…"

"And the rest of the class!" Lily insisted, stopping to add powdered garlic into her cauldron.

"You're right," James agreed cheerfully. "Not romantic at all. I'll have to revise my plans."

Lily scowled at him but he could see her lips twitching in a suppressed smile.

"As a matter of fact, I think I may have the answer," James added seriously.

Lily sighed in defeat and asked "And what is it?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out," James intoned, his eyes gleaming devilishly. He was acting noticeably giddy, but he didn't care. He had cause to celebrate.

Lily rolled her eyes and pointed at his potion. "Okay, Mr. Know-it-all, are you going to add your garlic or are you still planning on blowing us up?"

James turned to his violently bubbling potion and quickly added the garlic. It wouldn't pay to blow them up, not when he had Lily to look forward to.

He devoted the rest of Potions to his Invincibility Potion, but as soon as class was out, his mind was racing once again. The minute Slughorn dismissed them from what was their last class of the day, James leaped out of his desk and waited impatiently for Lily to pick up her books and supplies.

"Come on," he urged.

"What's the hurry?" Lily finished putting her ingredients into her bag with agonizing slowness as he shifted from one foot to the other.

"We don't want to waste a minute," James answered firmly. He ushered her out the door and up out of the dungeons to their shared common room.

"I'm going to go change now," Lily announced as they stepped through the portrait hole. She cast him a suspicious glance, apparently wary of his excitable behavior. She slipped away from him and into her room before he could say anything.

James sighed. There was nothing he could do, he supposed, but go and change himself. Somehow, it just wasn't the same as his fantasy of whisking Lily over the threshold and ravishing those soft, pink lips.

When he stepped back out of his room, Lily was sitting on the couch. Studying. He groaned again. Lily, it appeared, just didn't have a clue.

Lily watched James come back out of his room out of the corner of her eye. She cradled her heavy Potions text protectively in her lap. James, it appeared, had forgotten his promise of taking it slowly. Actually, come to think of it, he had never really promised to take it slowly. He had just insisted that everything would be perfect.

She had purposely changed into her most boring outfit. A plain white button down shirt, buttoned nearly up to her neck, and a pair of faded blue jeans. Her long red hair was tightly pulled back in a high ponytail. She was hoping her efforts would serve to cool James' heated emotions.

"Aren't you going to study?" she asked, staring pointedly at James' empty hands. James sighed again and grabbed his own Potions text. He sat down beside her on the couch, slouching into the deep corner of the red leather. They managed to study in peace for a quarter of an hour before another attack of bedevilment hit James.

"Hey, Lily," he said suddenly. She looked up from her book and looked at him.

"Hmm?" she asked absently, her mind still halfway lost in the chapter on strength potions.

"Want to know how to make a potion of eternal bliss?" His face was the picture of innocence, his eyes round and serious behind his glasses.

"How?"

"You take you, me, and a red leather couch and mix it all together. Then you throw in a darkened room and stir passionately…" He waggled his dark eyebrows suggestively.

"You're awful!" she half laughed, half moaned. "Have you thought of anything else all day?"

"Since you took me by the hand and told me you loved me? No," James answered truthfully. "C'mon - you know it'd be fun, Lily…" He sat up and moved toward her menacingly.

Lily's heart began to beat in double time. She wasn't sure how to transition from the role of close friend back to girlfriend. It had been so long, and all the ease that had once been there seemed to have disappeared. She wanted him, she could admit that, but she wasn't quite sure how. When James slipped an arm around her back, she found herself holding her body stiffly away from him. In her head it seemed so easy to let go, to melt into James, but she couldn't physically do it. It had been too long, too painful to slip back into what they once were so effortlessly.

James, thankfully, sensed her unease and simply cradled her gently in his strong arms. He tugged the elastic out of her hair, freeing it to tumble down her shoulders and into his hands.

"You have the most beautiful hair," he whispered reverently.

"It's _red_."

"And beautiful," James insisted, running his fingers through the thick locks. "It's shiny, vivid, and gorgeous, just like you."

Lily felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment. "Well, you're not so ugly yourself," she said to cover her discomfort.

James pulled back slightly and stared at her in mock-dismay. "I call you beautiful and all I get back is 'not ugly'?"

"Fine, you're stunning! And you damn well know it too!" Lily retorted.

James laughed. "But there you're wrong – I'm much more modest than I used to be."

"Thank God," Lily smirked. "You were unbearable then."

James nodded, but then his face sobered.

"This is all true," he noted, "but we're supposed to be focusing on the present. Our whole new beginning."

Lily shivered at the words. A new beginning. Was it possible to wipe the slate clean, to forget everything that had ever happened?

James caressed her cheek softly, tracing her high cheekbones, the hollow of her cheeks, her smooth jawbone. As she savored the moment, tears sprung into Lily's eyes. How long had it been since someone had so gently, so lovingly touched her? When the first touch of wetness hit James fingers, he stopped abruptly.

"You're crying," he observed in bewilderment. "What's wrong?"

Lily laughed and wiped away the tears with her shirt sleeve. "Nothing's wrong," she answered honestly. "I'm just so happy."

James eyed her skeptically, gently wiping away the last shiny spots of tears with the calloused pads of his thumbs.

"It sounds stupid, I know," Lily insisted. "It's just… I can't believe that we're together like this."

James sat up and pulled her against his solid chest.

"Believe it," he whispered as he slipped his arms around her waist. "Because one of us needs to."

Dinnertime came and went without James or Lily moving from their common room. Their potion texts lay abandoned on the floor, their owners sitting with their limbs intertwined on the couch.

"At some point," Lily remarked, looking at the grandfather clock in the corner, "we should consider moving."

"Why would we want to do that?" James asked in puzzlement.

"Because if we don't, we're going to become one with the couch," Lily answered gravely. "And red leather has never been my style."

James grinned at her. "I think I'd like you in red leather."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Do you _ever_ think of anything else?"

James pretended to think hard before finally emphatically replying, "No."

Lily sighed. She was beginning to doubt the wisdom of allowing the head girl and boy to share a common room, so isolated from any supervision, or even the presence of other students. If only James didn't have such adorable floppy hair, or such mesmerizing eyes. If only he were a fat and stupid instead of a brilliant, well-muscled Quidditch player.

She jumped off the couch, stumbling only slightly as she disentangled herself from James' grasp.

"You," she ordered as she pointed at him, "need a cold shower. And I need food. I'm starving. I seem to have missed dinner."

"A trip to the kitchens is definitely in order," James agreed solemnly. "And I am willing to sacrifice my cold shower to go there with you."

"I'll just bet you are," she muttered. He ignored her and headed for the door.

"Aren't you coming?" he asked innocently. He smiled his most charming smile. As if magnetically drawn to him, Lily found herself falling into step beside him.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're simply awful?"

"All the time."

As they exited the kitchen, their arms laden with steaming pasties and bottles of butterbeer, Dumbledore appeared in the corridor ahead of them. He eyed their loot speculatively.

"I see you missed dinner," he observed, his twinkling blue eyes smiling at them. "As much as I desire to see you perform well on your N.E.W.T.s, I hope you're not exhausting yourselves by studying too hard."

Lily felt her cheeks betray her with a deep blush. The twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes increased and his long white beard twitched in suppressed amusement.

"Don't worry about us, Headmaster," James said cheerily. "We weren't…"

He stopped when Lily's elbow jabbed his ribcage sharply. He contented himself with smiling through clenched teeth at the elderly headmaster. Dumbledore bid them goodnight and swept away down the hall.

"That hurt!" James protested as soon as the headmaster was out of hearing range.

"If you didn't shut up, he'd think we were getting down and dirty in the common room!"

"I can only hope," James sighed melodramatically. Lily jabbed him with her elbow and he burst into laughter.

"Get away from me, evil woman!" he chortled as he began to run down the hall. Lily took off after him, but he beat her to the common room and slammed the portrait. When she tried to open it, he was leaning against the other side.

"James…" she called threateningly.

"No more elbow jabs!"

"No more elbow jabs," she promised.

"And repeat after me..."

"What? James Potter, let me in!" She set down her food and pulled on the frame of the portrait. The lion inside roared in annoyance. Lily scowled at it.

"James Potter is brilliant, gorgeous, and I am madly in love with him," James called through the crack between the wall and the portrait. Lily groaned.

"I'm waiting," James sang through the crack.

"James Potter is brilliant, gorgeous, and I am madly in love with him," Lily finally repeated.

"Said with a bit more annoyance than necessary, but I suppose it will do." James swung the portrait open with a flourish and Lily picked up her food and stepped through.

As they hungrily ate their food on the rug in front of the fire, Lily found herself watching James closely. His eyes were bright and his thin cheeks were heightened in color.

"Are you feeling okay?" she asked carefully.

He quirked an eyebrow and quickly swallowed a mouthful of food. "Of course," he answered, sipping his butterbeer.

"Well, you've been acting giddy all night, and I just thought maybe those spells were still in effect," Lily defended herself, trying to act nonchalant as she brushed off some crumbs that had fallen into her lap.

James smiled at her, a happy but almost shy smile. "It's not the spells," he said, his eyes dancing behind his round glasses. "Don't you know it's you?"

Lily felt her cheeks turning pink for what must have been the hundredth time that day alone. She dropped her eyes and stared intently at the elegant patter of the red Oriental rug on which she sat.

"Don't you know that I love you?" James asked. "I never stopped loving you, Lily. I never gave up on you and me."

_Hey everyone! This chapter is a little shorter than the previous ones, but I felt this was the appropriate time to end it. I'll try make up the length in the next chapter, which I hope is coming out shortly! Please let me know what you think – all comments, critiques, and suggestions are extremely valuable to me! Thanks to all of you who offer these regularly – you're great. Until next time - Rochelle_


	40. Remember Her

Lily found herself with little spare time to be with James. She was avidly preparing for the N.E.W.T.s that the seventh years would face in only a few short months, as well as attending Order meetings. She continued to follow the strict training regimen that her former Order instructor had devised for her. It seemed that the only time she saw James, other than in class, was late at night as she reviewed her notes and texts. Determined to perform optimally on her exams, she even spent meals in her room revising.

Still, it appeared that their renewed relationship hadn't gone unnoticed by the staff. When paired in class, the professors watched them with looks of pleased approval. Slughorn, his eyes twinkling with joviality, had pronounced them a "dashing young couple." Though Slughorn's comment had been both embarrassing and amusing, the most startling response occurred one night when James was feeling in a particularly amorous mood.

"Did you know that there is such a thing as studying to death?" James asked Lily gravely as he took in the scrolls of notes that littered the floor before the fireplace. Lily sat in the midst of the organized chaos, her hair rumpled and her face drawn.

"James," Lily sighed with a bit of annoyance in her tone. "There is no such thing. Now either be quiet or go away."

James scowled back at her. "All I _ever_ do is be quiet or stay away. I'm sick of it. I would like to just be with you for once!"

Lily softened slightly, encountering that melting feeling she always experienced around James. Still, her studies tugged at her conscience, sending strong twinges of guilt.

"Just fifteen minutes," he wheedled. "I swear you'll feel completely rejuvenated." He winked a sparkling hazel eye at her. "Otherwise I might have to steal your notes so I stop feeling jealous of them."

Lily gasped in mock horror. "Never!" she exclaimed, scooping them protectively into her arms. When it appeared that James indeed did plan to hold her notes hostage, she squealed and leapt to her feet. James advanced on her and she neatly dodged him and scurried around one of the large couches. James followed in hot pursuit as she ran for her bedroom.

Lily burst through the doorway only a split second before James, but rather than feeling his arms grab her in victory, she heard a sudden muffled explosion. Dropping her scrolls, she turned to find James lying bewildered on the other side of the doorway, his hair standing straight on end and his eyes wide with shock.

"What the hell just happened?" he demanded as he sat up. Lily shook her head mutely and walked out of the room. She cautiously inched her toe towards the doorframe, it crossed the threshold without any resistance. Carefully she stepped through the doorway, but nothing happened.

"It doesn't do anything to me," she remarked. James once again attempted to follow her and once more ended up on the floor with his hair standing up in straight, porcupine-like spikes. Lily stared at him in disbelief. Then she started laughing.

"What is so damn funny?" James growled as he stood up.

"I can't believe I didn't think of it! It's an entrance blocking spell – Dumbledore must have set it up!" She doubled over in laughter that verged slightly on hysteria, the result of too many days of long, intensive studying. As she caught a glimpse of James' face, which was half angry, half pouting, she laughed even harder. Soon tears were streaming from her eyes and she sunk to a limp heap on the floor.

"And why would he do that?" James asked, apparently unaware that his hair was still vertical on his head.

"It's his idea of protection!" Lily gasped between laughs. James looked first annoyed, but then finally a small smile formed on his face.

"How very clever," he said, his tone still faintly indignant.

"It is!" Lily agreed full heartedly, wiping the tears from her eyes. She picked up the scrolls she had dropped and stood up on wobbly legs. James watched her and scowled again.

"Are you still planning on studying for the rest of the night?"

Lily pretended to think it over. "Well…if you'll go look in the mirror, I might take a short break."

"Go look in the mirror?" Lily smiled mysteriously at James's confusion and swept out of the room past him. James bolted for the bathroom as she went to grab an apple from the bowl of fruit on the table. As she sunk her teeth into a crisp red apple she heard a howl of outrage.

"My hair!"

Lily snickered as she heard the shock in his voice. James had always been slightly vain about his appearance, although much improved from their fifth year.

James appeared momentarily from the bathroom. Water soaked his shirt as it dripped from his drenched hair. "Lily," he uttered in a hushed voice. "It won't go down."

Lily bit back a grin and occupied herself instead with taking another bite out of the perfectly crunchy apple.

"It's going to stay like this forever!" James sounded slightly panicked. "And Dumbledore's going to know that I was trying to get into your bed…I mean your room, and he'll separate us for real then!"

"Relax, I'm sure it'll go back to normal - eventually," she added as an afterthought. "If it's still like this in the morning then we'll know we're in trouble." Her words did nothing to placate James, who had returned to the mirror to further his hair smoothing efforts. Though it was amusing to watch his long fingers swatting at the stubborn locks, she finally took pity on him.

"C'mon, James. I did promise you a quick break; we might as well use it." She walked over to him and took his hand. "And if your hair is like that tomorrow, I will do everything I can to fix it."

James cheered up and was soon back to his normal self. And indeed, by morning, his hair was back to its regular, tousled state. Although Lily was eager to share the amusing story with Alice and Emmeline, James swore her to secrecy. Which he was more embarrassed about, the expulsion from her room to the floor or his sacred hair, Lily was never certain.

* * *

As exams approached, the seventh and fifth year students, the latter who were studying for their O.W.L.S., began to walk around in catatonic states of lethargy. As a respite, Dumbledore announced a visit to Hogsmeade for the three upper years. This would be the first visit since the Death Eaters attacked and Marlene died. As a safety precaution Dumbledore announced it the morning of the visit to ensure that there was no time to alert anyone of the impending visit.

"I have reserved this trip for only older students because I am aware that there is an element of danger in it," he warned them from the staff table at breakfast. "It is my wish that you are alert and prepared for any sign of evil that might lurk. Still, it is my belief that we must not allow trying times to hold us captive, so I am inviting you to go to enjoy yourself."

The tables hummed with excitement. James grinned at Lily. "This will be fantastic!" he exclaimed. Lily looked hesitant.

"Lily, you are not going to stay behind to study," he said firmly. Sirius and Remus nodded their heads in agreement.

"We will drag you there if we have to," Sirius added.

"But…" Lily protested. Sirius clapped a hand across her mouth.

"Not a word!" he warned, his blue eyes flashing. "We need you there." Behind the sparks in his eyes Lily perceived a touch of sadness. He was thinking of Marlene. Although he had never meant there to be anything serious between him and Marlene, Marlene had, and he still carried the pain of her death with him.

"I'll go," Lily decided. Sirius grinned at her, his expression so bright she wondered if the sadness had ever truly been there, or if it had only been imagined. Still, Remus, James, Alice, and Emmeline looked so happy that she was going she felt she had made the right decision. It hadn't been long, she thought, since had been in self-imposed isolation.

As the conversation turned to which shops they would visit that day, Lily saw Peter scurrying out of the Great Hall. It seemed that often these days he was hurrying off on his own, which was odd for Peter. He had always been so utterly dependent on James, Sirius, and Remus. But Peter was an unremarkable person, and Lily turned to join the discussion at the table.

Later that morning they bundled into the carriages that took them to the village. The streets were quiet, and the few people walking them were hastening quickly with their heads down. Shop windows were dusty and the lettering on many of the signs was faded and cracked. Hogsmeade looked sad, if a town could have emotions

When Lily and her friends walked into the Three Broomsticks, Madam Rosmerta greeted them with her usual hearty cheer. In the bleakness of the small village, her bright face was a welcome defiance of the Dark Lord's deadening power. As they sat down at a corner booth, she followed behind to take their order, winking dark lashes coyly at Sirius. Sirius smiled dopily back before Remus elbowed him. He flushed and Madam Rosmerta chuckled.

The tabletop was clean at least, its scarred wooden surface gleaming. Their butterbeers arrived and as students finished their first round of shopping they filled the pub with noise. Hogwarts students created a constant racket, talking and laughing, their glass bottles clanking against the wooden tables.

Eventually the bar emptied again as the students left to visit other stores, but Lily and the group lingered. When the door opened again and a welcoming bell rang cheerily, nobody noticed. When a chilling voice cut through their boisterous talk, it took a moment to register before they turned. Two Death Eaters stood cloaked before them.

"Hello, boys and girls," one said in an oily voice. "Are you enjoying your visit?"

They remained silent.

"It's too bad it's your last," the other commented in a voice that dripped with mock pity. "Such a crime, for little boys and girls to die so young."

"Little boys and girls should know better than to side against the Dark Lord," the oily voiced Death Eater reminded the other. "They chose their fate, and now they will go willingly."

"That's what you think!" Sirius rumbled as the group leapt to its feet. It was a difficult task, since they were sitting in a booth, but with surprising grace they slid out. Each had their wands ready and drawn.

"Oh, the little boys and girls want to fight," the second Death Eater said in a surprised voice. "The Dark Lord did say they might try this."

Lily fought to ignore their idiotic commentary as she concentrated on the string of hexes that she began to throw. The pub filled with beams of light zinging back and forth, hitting walls and bouncing through the room. It was the ultimate test to continue to focus on casting her own spells while maintaining a shield to protect herself in all directions.

Eventually Lily, James, Sirius, Emmeline, Remus, and Alice had the two men surrounded in a circle. The Death Eaters were still fighting vigorously, using spells that Lily had never heard of. _Dark magic_, she thought grimly.

The fighting continued, and Lily's strength waned, until suddenly the two Death Eaters disappeared. She slowly lowered her wand, her arm shaking, and stared at the spot where they had once stood.

"They must have Disapparated out," James said, his glasses askew and his face pale.

"I didn't think you could Disapparate in places like this," Emmeline commented as she sunk into a chair. Her green eyes were dull with exhaustion.

"They must have broken the spell barriers," Remus answered. "With the village in its current condition, it wouldn't be too hard to do."

"Is anyone hurt?" Alice asked, surveying the group.

It appeared that nobody had suffered more than minor cuts and bruises. Madam Rosmerta came rushing in from the back, her eyes wide and teary.

"I can't believe this," she trembled. "I can't…" She stopped mid-sentence and gasped.

"What is it?" Lily demanded. Madam Rosmerta pointed a quivering finger to a booth not far from the one they had been sitting in. Slumped in the seats, half under the tables, lay two Hogwarts students.

Alice and Lily quickly knelt beside the two girls and checked for their pulses. There were none.

"I think they're dead," Alice said gravely. "But who are they?"

Lily examined the face of the one Alice had checked.

"I don't know this girl," she said, pointing at the one before her, "but the one you have is Sonya – she's a Gryffindor a year or two behind us."

She turned to face James, whose face was contorted with conflicting emotions.

_Remember her?_ Lily asked silently. Yet she felt no malice, only a strange, numbing feeling. The two girls must have been unable to escape the Three Broomsticks, so they had hid under the tables and been hit accidentally by the Death Eater's curses. Though no fault of their own, they were dead.

"Let's go warn the others," Emmeline urged, heading toward the door. Lily remained frozen next to the two dead bodies. Alice slipped an arm around her and pulled her to her feet. Still, Lily felt unable to move.

"Lily," James said, his eyes pleading. "Let's go." As much as she wanted to go to him, to feel his arms slip around her, to feel safe with him, she couldn't do it. Alice gently guided her forwards, and Lily finally moved. James looked hurt, and Lily felt a tight ball of guilt settle in her gut.

_I'm sorry,_ she tried to signal to him with her gaze. _I'm sorry._

_Hello everyone. Another long wait, I apologize. I hope you're pleased with the action that took place in this chapter, and I will be following it up with another (I hope) shortly, so you can read about the aftereffects of the attack. I hope you all had happy holidays and aren't suffering too much from the return to reality (a.k.a. end of winter break!) Please let me know what you think of this chapter by dropping me a review! Thanks, as always, to my awesome beta Sierra! Until next time - Rochelle_


	41. No Easy Way to Say

_A review of where we left off: the seventh year Gryffindors were in Hogsmeade when they were attacked by Death Eaters. They fought off the attackers, but Sonya (the girl James slept with after the Quidditch party) and another girl were killed. When Lily realized who it was that had died, she found herself frozen and flooded with memories. Now they have returned to Hogwarts._

He was sitting backwards on the wooden desk chair in their common room; his arms resting on the top of the chair back, his chin propped on his folded arms. When Lily stumbled tiredly into the room, his head lifted and he watched her with dull brown eyes. She had hoped he had gone to sleep while she lingered with Alice in the Gryffindor Common Room.

His gaze followed her as she started across the room and then stopped. She didn't know what to say or do, but it felt wrong to leave him alone while she went to bed. Even in her current state of exhaustion, she doubted she'd sleep.

A spark of hope lit his eyes and he stood up from his chair. His pants were scuffed with dust and the buttons on his shirt were undone and revealed the white t-shirt he wore underneath. He too looked tired, Lily noted, but even weariness couldn't erase the power of his looks.

_Oh, James, _she thought miserably. _Why do we do this to each other?_ Yet as she thought this she knew that this time it was she who was causing the hurt, she who was allowing an unpleasant ghost to stand between them.

"Lily," he began, his voice rough.

She shook her head to stop him. "When I saw her lying there, all I could think about was finding you in her bed." James winced, but she continued. "I wasn't angry, but it was as if that horrible numbness that I lived in for so long was sucking me under again. I couldn't think, I couldn't feel. I knew it was wrong, but I was too weak to fight it."

She stood there, her arms wrapped protectively around herself. The room was chilly and she felt stripped and raw. Then James was there, slipping his arms around her.

"You're not weak," he whispered fiercely. "You're the strongest person I know. You've lived through hell and you're still here."

James ran his hand over the tender skin of her cheek. "Someday this will all be over," he promised her. "The Dark Lord will be vanquished and we'll be able to start over without ααthe hurts of the past."

Lily buried her face in his chest, inhaling the scent of him.

"Do you believe me?" His tone was urgent, as if it was of utmost importance that she did. "We're going to get through this, and then everything will be perfect." He lifted her face in his hands so she was looking him in the eye.

Lily stared into his burning eyes and saw his determination, his strength, his faith that good would prevail. And looking at him like that, she felt as if she did believe. She believed in James, and James believed that all would be right in the end. That was good enough for her.

"I believe you," she whispered. He crushed her against his body and let his head fall to rest on her shoulder. Now that she believed, it seemed, his energy was again sapped.

"We should get some sleep," she said, through reluctant to let him go. He mumbled something unintelligible into her hair.

"Come again?" she asked.

"I don't want to let you go," he repeated, more clearly this time.

Lily caught his hands in her own, idly marveling at their size and power. They had the ability to do so much; to hurt and to heal, to love and to destroy.

"C'mon," she said softly, pulling him towards her bedroom. Tonight she trusted those hands to be too tired to do anything more than to hold her as she succumbed to slumber.

* * *

Hogwarts became a cloistered school, which was to the benefit of the frantic fifth and seventh years. Exams edged closer and closer, until suddenly they were upon them. With grim determination Lily took exam after exam, both practical and theoretical. As soon as one was over she and James tucked themselves away to study furiously for the next. Although James strived to look outwardly relaxed about the exams, Lily could see he was as stressed as she.

"Bloody hell, it's just Potions! Who needs that anyway?" James asked in a rather over cheery tone. They were on their way out of the written portion of the Potions exam, which Lily felt sure she had not done as well as she should have on. Overall, she had done well in Slughorn's class, yet she had a sinking feeling that today she had mixed up the properties of nightshade and witch hazel.

Lily frowned at him. "You do – if you want to become an Auror that is."

James waved a hand dismissively. "You can become an Auror, I'm going to play Quidditch and make a fortune. Not to mention enjoy vast amounts of fame."

Lily rolled her eyes. "I can just see it. Posters of you ruffling your hair while posing with your broom will be plastered on the ceilings of all the teen girls in Europe." James appeared rather taken with this idea and a dreamy expression took over his face.

"Get over yourself, you prat!" Lily yanked at a tug of the aforementioned unruly locks of hair. "If your head gets any bigger we're going to have to roll you out of Hogwarts come the end of this week."

James sobered suddenly. "I can't believe it's really nearly over. That we won't be back here next September starting lessons with Trelawney and Flitwick."

"You better believe it," Lily answered grimly. "This is it for us here." She herself wasn't overjoyed to leave the safety of Hogwarts for the loneliness of her house in London. It would be a long summer waiting to hear if she was accepted into Auror training. Would she be able to see James regularly? She wasn't certain just how safe wizard travel was at the moment.

She looked up to see James staring at her with a look of both worry and contemplation. His dark brows were furrowed and he was uncharacteristically biting his lower lip.

"What are you looking at me like that for?" she queried, feeling suddenly self-conscious.

"What? Oh, it's nothing," he replied dismissively. Yet as they made their way to the Great Hall for dinner he continued to brood.

Finally exams were over and it was the end of the year celebration in the Great Hall. A vast feast of food was arrayed on the sagging wooden tables and spirits ran high as the students tucked in.

For James it was the first time the celebration had brought mixed feelings. Other years he had been ecstatic to leave Hogwarts to spend a summer playing Quidditch with Sirius, to leave books and exams behind for two months of carefree exploits.

This year, it meant leaving Lily, which seemed unfathomable. He had a secret yen to take her home with him, but doubted his parents would see it as a reasonable move. Then again, they had welcomed Sirius with open arms. _They didn't have to worry you'd knock Sirius up while living under the same roof,_ a niggling voice reminded him.

Of course, now that he was done with school and of age, it was fully reasonable to get his own flat. He had intended to wait to see if he was accepted into Auror training or if he would have to pursue a different career, as that would affect his locale, but it was still an appealing option. Would Lily go for it? She had been rather reluctant to go too far with their relationship, yet James firmly believed that hope sprung eternal.

Then a hand clasped firmly upon his shoulder, stealing him from his weighty thoughts. It was Professor McGonagall, her face looking particularly pinched.

"Potter, come with me," she ordered sternly. James stood up in bewilderment. He had given up serious pranks ages ago, and all other debauchery had been put on hold for exams. What could he have done?

Yet as he faced McGonagall he thought that while she looked grim, she did not appear angry at him.

"Come," she repeated in a quieter but equally stern tone. By now quite a few faces were watching to see why the Head Boy was being pulled from the festivities. McGonagall prodded him forward and he reluctantly fell into step.

Before they could reach the doors to the corridor Lily joined them. "I'm coming with," she declared defiantly when McGonagall eyed her. Lily stared back with stony determination.

"Very well," McGonagall replied in a clipped voice. She continued forward, her steps brisk and angry.

"What is it, Professor?" James asked, unable to hold back any longer.

"I will not tell you until we are properly situated, Potter. It isn't a matter to be discussed lightly," McGonagall replied in that same clipped voice. James felt his heart sink. Then he realized that they were not heading toward McGonagall's office as he had assumed, but to Dumbledore's. He looked at Lily, who apparently had also noticed.

He felt her small hand slip into his and he squeezed it gratefully. Whatever was happening couldn't be good.

The headmaster was seated behind his desk as they stepped into his office. His half moon spectacles were perched at the tip of his nose, as always, but the usual sparkle was gone from his blue eyes. Instead he was worriedly stroking his silvery beard, a mannerism James had never seen on the self-controlled man.

"Please sit," he said, conjuring three comfortable armchairs with a wave of his hand. He didn't seem startled or displeased to see Lily amongst his guests. Once they were seated he fixed his gaze upon James.

"There is no easy way to say this, James. Your parents are dead." James heard Lily gasp softly but he remained devoid of motion or sound.

"Death Eaters raided the house earlier this afternoon. Your parents were home and both perished in the ensuing fight. They were badly outnumbered and had no chance." Still James said nothing, but instead looked down at his hand which was still linked with Lily's. His knuckles were white and he realized that he must be crushing Lily's slender fingers. He quickly released them.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. Then he bolted out of his chair and ran for the door. He was too fast for a surprised Dumbledore or McGonagall to stop him, and he pounded down the revolving staircase. He ran down the empty hall, only vaguely aware that lighter footsteps were trailing his own. He ran until he found himself in a dead end.

Faced with a stone wall, he clenched his fist and rammed it again and again into the heavy marble. Then Lily was there and she grabbed his arm and forced him to stop.

"You've hurt yourself," she whispered, cradling his hand in her own. Her eyes were large with sorrow as she peered up at him.

"Fuck it all, Lily," he groaned. "Fuck Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Why did they have to die?" Lily let go of his bleeding hand and slipped her arms around him. He felt suddenly unsure that he could support himself any longer and he slid slowly down against the wall, pulling Lily with him.

That was how they remained when McGonagall and Dumbledore finally found them – Lily in his lap, her arms around him and his head burrowed into her shoulder. He looked up briefly at the two elderly teachers, his eyes hard and dry, before letting it fall back where it had previously rested.

Eventually McGonagall interrupted, her expression uneasy as she bent down to place a hand on his arm.

"James," she said in a strangely soft voice. "You need to get up and let Madam Pomfrey examine your hand. And then there are arrangements that must be made."

James stared up at her blankly.

"I assume both you and Sirius intended to return to your house tomorrow, but it is in no condition to return to as of yet. And there is the funeral to plan, and as you are the only surviving family member, you must be in on that discussion." James continued to stare blankly. It felt as if he had no power of emotion other than the horrible dead feeling that twisted at his gut.

Lily slipped out of his arms and extended a hand to help him up. He slowly lifted his right hand and saw that he had shredded the skin on his knuckles into bloody oblivion. When she winced, he offered her the other hand and quickly got to his feet.

He was ushered to the Hospital Wing, where Pomfrey cleaned and mended the skin on his hand. She applied a salve that tingled with icy relief on the stinging wounds.

"Now, your mother's friend Celeste Cyrus has offered to see to the funerals," McGonagall began awkwardly as Pomfrey wound a light gauze bandage around his fingers. "However she wanted to ask if you had any requests regarding the arrangements."

James hated that word. He had heard it three times in the last fifteen minutes, all times regarding his parents' deaths. Arrangements. As if it was a party.

He shook his head mutely. He didn't know anything about planning funerals. McGonagall nodded briskly and moved on to the next subject.

"Well then, I will let her know to go forward. Now, about returning home. As that is out of the question, have you and Sirius anywhere else to go? I'm not aware of any family on your part, but perhaps a close family friend like Celeste would be willing…?"

James shook his head again. He was an adult, he'd be damned if he'd be shuffled off to a close family friend. But as he had previously contemplated, he had nowhere else to go other than his childhood home.

"They have me." He looked up to see Lily reaching for his now bandaged hand. "They'll come with me to my house," she said firmly.

McGonagall looked as if she wanted to forbid it, but James knew she was powerless to do anything regarding what they did once they left Hogwarts. Lily apparently realized this as well.

"For God's sake," she snapped. "We're all adults, I have a big, empty house, and it's just until James's place is straightened up. It's the only reasonable solution, Professor."

To James' surprise, McGonagall nodded. "Yes, that will do, Miss Evans," she said brusquely. She looked taken aback by Lily's sharp words. Once she had composed herself, she stood up.

"I should return to the Great Hall to see to the students," she said. "I expect that the others will understand if you don't join them before retiring for the evening."

With that she left, and they were left alone to find their way back to their room.

Lily tugged lightly on James's hand. "Let's go," she urged. When he didn't respond she tugged again. "There's nothing left to do but go on, James. We can't stay here all night."

"Well, there _are_ beds," he noted grimly. His skin was a sick shade of white and his eyes were a dead, muddy brown. If Lily hadn't known the truth of the night, she would have thought the Hospital Wing was the best place for him, looking as ghastly as he did at that moment. When dealing with physical ailments, Pomfrey could heal all. However, when it came to healing the pain of the soul, Lily knew that the nurse was no better than anyone else.

Just when she thought she would have to resort to drastic measures to get James to move, he finally stood up from the chair he had been sitting in. She slipped her arm around his waist and he draped his over her shoulder. Entwined around each other, they slowly made their way up to their shared common room.

Once there, Lily slipped out of James's grasp and guided him lightly to one of the couches before the crackling fire.

"I'll be right back," she promised before dashing to the bathroom. As she stood before the mirror she saw that her face was splattered with drops of blood, presumably from James. She quickly washed her face and then ran a toothbrush through her mouth to wash out the bitter taste the news had left. As she was drying her face with a towel she heard a choked noise coming from the other room.

"James?" she called as she stepped out of the bathroom. He was doubled over on the couch, elbows on his knees and head cradled in his hands, his shoulders shaking. Lily approached him slowly, sliding onto the couch next to him.

He turned and looked at her, his eyes red and miserable.

"They were the only family I had," he whispered. "How could they be dead? I was supposed to see them tomorrow. And now they're gone."

"Shh…" Lily ran her hands through his thick hair, down his back, stroking him as a mother would to soothe a sobbing child. Slowly he relaxed against the back of the couch and she leaned her head against his chest. His heart beat slowly and steady with every ragged breath, but Lily knew firsthand how badly it was hurting at that moment.

_Once again, I am sooo sorry this is taking so long. Some have emailed me asking if I intend to finish – and yes, I do! My goal is to finish this story this summer so when I leave for college in the fall I am done. Thank you for sticking with me this long! Please send me a review to let me know what you think - Rochelle_


	42. It Never Ends

Though the heavy gray skies threatened rain, nary a drop fell on the somber gathering of the Potter's mourners. A distinguished, silver haired man spoke gravely, the rise and fall of his voice underscored by distant rumbles of thunder.

James stared at the freshly dug hole in the ground willing himself not to envision their dead bodies lying within their polished coffins, their skin mottled with death.

There was something twisted, he thought, about huddling around the decaying remains of a person – or in his case, the persons – you loved. When he had envisioned his parents' deaths, admittedly a rare occurrence, it had been a picture of elderly grandparents slipping off in their sleep, not of middle aged parents orphaning their only son.

It was, he knew, a terrible state of self pity that he was wallowing in at that moment. As the man, the head of some Ministry department or another, finished speaking and the assemblers began to disperse, James stared at the gleaming coffin lids laden with white roses. It felt wrong to leave them, to allow them to lie unprotected in this gloomy cemetery so far from home.

Suddenly Lily was at his side. "Sirius told me to tell you the Portkey is being activated in five minutes," she said softly. "If we're to get back to my place, we have to leave." Regret was written all over her face.

James took her hand. "It's okay. They're not here anyway."

"Where do you think they are?" she asked pensively.

"I don't know. Somewhere better than here, I guess."

"I've never been to my parents' gravesite," Lily commented as they walked toward the group at the Portkey. "I wasn't able to attend their funeral service, and then I spent most of last summer getting too drunk to care." She sighed.

An idea flashed wildly through James's head. He and Lily were both orphans, and as Petunia had written Lily off, they were both devoid of family. Families, however, were created every day. Why couldn't he and Lily do the same?

The pieces began to fall together as if they had always been there, just waiting for him to chance upon the missing piece. He and Lily would marry that summer, begin Auror training (provided they got accepted), buy a house, and everything would be all right again. Somewhere down the line they'd have kids, and he'd teach them how to get into all the sorts of mischief that he and Sirius had accomplished.

"James?" Lily was staring at his expectantly, and he realized that he needed to grasp the book they were using as a Portkey before he was left behind. He would wait for a better moment, he decided, before he asked her. As he placed his hand next to Lily's, he felt the familiar tug on his navel, and everything began to spin.

Lily was thankful for the company of James and Sirius in her London house. She introduced them to Muggle life like a tour guide for foreign visitors. They loved the movie theaters and cars, took delight in ordinary items for sale in stores, and were intrigued by the details of her Muggle house.

"I don't know how you stand it," Sirius shuddered a few days after the funeral. "All that _staring_." He was glancing nervously at framed pictures of Lily's deceased grandparents that stood on the mantelpiece. "You think they'd have something better to do."

Lily rolled her eyes. "They're not supposed to do anything else," she informed him. "Muggle pictures never move."

"They do in the theater," he retorted, turning the frames around so the offending eyes faced the wall.

"Maybe they just don't like you," she suggested dryly as she leaned over and turned the frames back to their proper positions. James, who was lying on the couch, snorted. He had been alternately brooding and then nearly giddy. Often Lily found him lost in thought, but then he would look at her and his eyes would flash and he'd morph into gregariousness. It was disconcerting, but Lily forced herself to act as if it was nothing.

Though his roots had been torn from beneath him, the relationship between James and Lily continued to grow deeper every day. His behavior seemed to take on even more intensity and sometimes Lily felt a tangible weight to his gaze. There was a sense of waiting for something to happen—a restlessness that left Lily slightly on edge. When James touched her, it was more often with urgency and hunger than contentment.

The power of these heightened sensations didn't frighten Lily nearly so much as they once would have. She had changed from the raw, insecure girl she had been into one who knew that she didn't want to face an uncertain future alone.

"I'm going to ask Lily to marry me," James announced suddenly. Sirius looked up from the sandwich he was preparing, a towering stack of bread, tomatoes, slices of meat, and cheese. Startled, his hand jerked up and a glob of butter flew from his knife to the ceiling.

"Marry you?" he repeated in hushed awe. "Already?"

"Already. What else is there to wait for? For Voldemort to finally finish us off?"

Sirius put his knife down and temporarily abandoned his sandwich. "No, although I don't think he has a chance against either of you. I guess congratulations are in order." He sounded slightly wistful.

"She has to say yes first," James reminded him.

"She will," Sirius replied. "And then it will be the two of you, and then you'll start a family and that'll be the end of the Marauders."

James stepped forward and picked up the butter knife. "Sirius, with all due respect, shut it. You spent half of our growing years at my house—you're like a brother to me. You are and always will be part of my family, even if you're not my blood. I'd like to ask you to be my best man if she says yes, but not if you act like such a bloody arse." He waved the knife emphatically at Sirius, looking as if he wished it were either more dangerous or magical.

Sirius scowled at him, but James could see a flicker of gratitude in his eyes. "Give me the damn knife, Prongs, I'm trying to make a sandwich here." James threw the knife at him and turned to leave the kitchen.

"Best man, eh?" he heared Sirius call after him." Glad you've finally recognized my ultimate supremacy." James rolled his eyes. Sirius's down moods never lasted long—his infallible bravado and arrogance always helped him bounce back in record time.

Unable to wait, James asked Lily to go for a walk with him that evening. They left the house and walked to a nearby playground. Lily jumped on a swing and began to pump, her long red hair tumbling behind her as she moved, her eyes closed. James sat beside her, not as comfortable on the small plastic seat as she appeared to be. He hated to interrupt her though when she appeared to be so many miles away.

Finally she slowed down, letting her feet drag on the sand beneath them.

"I used to come here with Petunia," she said wistfully. "My dad would push me, until I got big enough to do it myself. We always had so much fun here."

James stood up and reached for her hand. "Come on," he said, "I have something I want to talk about." They walked around the small park, across the playground equipment and toward a grove of trees.

He tried to remember the little speech he had thought up, the moves that he was going to execute to make the moment just right. Instead he found his mind empty of anything other than a few bumbling truths. When he looked at Lily, his heart swelled and he began talking—speaking in a fast, rambling rhythm.

"I wanted to say this just right, but I don't know how to do it. I wanted it to be perfect, the perfect moment, but I couldn't decide just what that would be. I just can't take it any longer, and I need to know."

Lily looked up at him, her green eyes confused and slightly alarmed. "Know what? Are you feeling all right, James? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." He began to swing into giddiness again. "I love you, Lily, and I can't imagine going it without you. Marry me—promise me you'll marry me."

Lily began to tremble and she reached a tentative hand up to his face, cradling his cheek softly in her palm. Her eyes watered and her jaw began to quiver.

"For God's sake, say something Lily!" James said, slightly wildly, as he began to panic. Maybe he had read her wrong, perhaps he had been mistaken all along. She didn't love him as deeply as that.

"Yes," she finally whispered. Then again, but louder. "Yes, I'll marry you. I promise."

James threw his arms around her and picked her up in a crushing embrace. He let out a wild whoop of uncontainable joy, causing the few passersby in the area to regard him cautiously. Lily laughed and then gasped.

"I can't breathe!" she yelped. He let her go and she slid down, still maintaining close contact with his body. He tilted his head down and found her lips waiting for his. He hadn't said it just as he had planned, or performed all the right moves, but somehow it had ended up happening anyway. It was Lily, he decided before he turned himself over completely to the endorphins pumping through his brain. She had a way of making everything seem just right.

As the sun began to slip behind the trees and shadows grew longer in the the park, Lily took James' hand and pulled gently. "It's time to go," she said softly. "It's not safe to be out here when it gets dark."

She hated to bring up the danger of their reality, but it was unavoidable. If they wanted to have a future, they had to protect themselves with near paranoia.

It was funny, she thought as they passed the swings, how her thoughts had gone from those of loneliness to filled with joy. When she had sat down on the swings, she had remembered the family she had lost, her parents dead and her sister estranged. Then James had taken her and reminded her of the powerful love that still remained in her life.

It seemed that every time she found a hole in her life, someone was there to fill it. First it had been Remus and Sirius who were there when she had been eaten away by jagged pain and self inflicted oblivion. Then it was James who had awakened her from the lingering depression that had once filled her existence. Now he was becoming the family she had lost.

_Please, _Lily begged, a silent plea to an unknown power. _Let it be this way forever. _It wasn't that she couldn't live without him, but that without him, she was left with an aching emptiness that no other could fill.

The sun hung heavily just above the horizon, painting the world in dusky pink and crimson shadows. As they reached the door of Lily's home, Sirius was waiting on the other side for the news he knew would be good.

Already the future was preparing to hurry along, yet the moment was weighty and endless. As she reached for the doorknob, Lily turned to look up at James. His profile was bronzed by the fading sunlight, emphasizing the hunger in his eyes and the determination in his thin face.

"I love you," she whispered, letting go of the doorknob to mess his hair. Instinctively he jumped.

"Hey, watch the hair!"

Lily laughed softly and kissed him lightly. "It never fails," she teased, remembering all the times that James had obsessed over his precisely messed hair.

"It never ends either," a voice moaned from the other side of the door. "Are you two going to stand out there all night or are you going to put me out of my misery?" Sirius was indeed waiting anxiously for their return.

"Just for that…" James called back threateningly.

"This is ridiculous!" Lily exclaimed. "Instead of standing here yelling like idiots through the door, why don't we just go inside?" She threw out the door to reveal a beaming Sirius, his blue eyes glowing in his handsome face. Behind him, surprisingly, was Remus.

"Yes?" he questioned, his tired face brightened with expectation. Sirius must have summoned him for their return.

"She said yes!" James crowed. Sirius slapped him in a rather violent hug and then turned to Lily. He gave her a slightly more gentle, yet still effusive embrace.

"I said yes," she repeated softly, standing between the three eighteen year old boys who had grown too fast. They weren't school children anymore—they were adults facing both the world's more violent wizard and a wedding.

Visions of her wedding day filled her mind: the walk down the aisle, her dress, and the party after with a laughing Sirius as best man toasting in the new couple. It would be okay, she thought, to let something light and happy like a wedding fill her thoughts for a summer. There would be so many years afterward to deal with heavier affairs.

**Hey everyone, I finished this story years ago but realized I had missed posting chapters 25 and 28 and was discouraged from fixing/posting everything. I am finally putting everything up. If you have issues with it, please refrain from commenting because at this point I don't really care! If you like it though, I'm happy that you kept reading! All the best to all who read this—Rochelle**


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